Feel like I have a son, not a boyfriend.

[skyline3365]

Hello, Everyone .

 

This may be a tad bit long, but I have some things that have been bothering me and I would like an un-biased opinion.

 

So, Ive been in a relationship with this 26 year old man for a few months now (I'm 28 years old)... We shall call him "Danny". Danny is a really super nice guy, he's trustworthy, affectionate and also very nerdy (I like that in a guy). Danny has not really had much experience with relationships in the past and It's becoming evident as to why. He's very insecure and basically an adult man-child. I hate to say it...

 

Honestly, I feel as though I have to mother him way too much. I know that some men need guidance from a female, but I have never had to deal with it like this before.

For example, I noticed that he didn't have sheets for his bed, only a mattress pad. I went out and bought him sheets as a surprise and he wasn't very receptive to this action. Almost like he didn't want to put them on the bed. He did but as I was helping him put the sheets on, I found out that he didn't know that the mattress pad wasn't a sheet and that it was supposed to go under the fitted sheet. I really don't understand how a 26 year old doesn't know that? I had to explain it to him. I also noticed that he needs new pillows. His only pillow is yellow and pretty gross. He uses pillows from the couch when I sleep over. I can't let anyone I care about sleep on something like that. I really want to go get him pillows now. Why will he not do these things on his own? I am not his mother and This is what adulthood is.

 

Personally, I think it's a huge turn off when men will not provide for themselves, even if they have the means to. He's like this with everything. Clothes, food, car problems etc. His priorities are way out of whack. His mother set up a college fund for him (hes already gotten his associates but wants to go back) There's over $3,000 in there and he wants to withdraw that money and buy a $3,000 video camera that supposedly will help him get a job in his desired field. I'm all for supporting dreams but he's in desperate need of a mattress, bed frame and other things. There are holes in his mattress and it's dirty. It's not pretty sight at all In the eyes of priority, doesn't providing essential items for yourself come before material items? I honestly feel as though he is a teenager and we are in some sort of high school relationship. These are just some examples. There are more but don't have time to type them all. I feel really horrible for even writing all of this, but I need to get it all out.

 

I really wanted to date outside of my "Type" because all I was getting was men who "didn't know what they want". I finally have someone I can trust who is super nice and I want to break up with him. Am I just being too picky? Sometimes I feel as though my expectations are too high. The last man I dated "James", surpassed my expectations with flying colors. He was so great and I feel as though he kind of set the bar really high for all the men after him. Now, because of James, I feel like I'm being too picky all the time because men don't meet my expectations.

 

Has anyone had to deal with anything like this before? I really don't want to break up with him because I do like him, but if he's not willing to accept my guidance, then I'm not sure what else to do. Any advice for me? Are all men like this? I feel super frustrated.

[JaggerJim]

It's really not sexy to try and change a man. I think it's best if you leave be.

 

But the yellow pillows did need to go.

[Jibralta]

I don't think you're being too picky. You have to go for what you like. Can't just be "nerdy," though. You also need to add "responsible" and "takes care of himself" to your list because "adult man-child" isn't your flavor. It's a waste of time to try to change people. Best to recognize them for what they are before you get attached.

[j.man]

Yeah, you are more of a mother than a girlfriend. Why? Because, despite all the effort you're putting in now, you went the lazy route of finding a guy and trying to change him to what your guy would be rather than finding someone who's innately compatible with you.

 

Let him live as a teenager with his exposed mattress topper, yellow pillows, and camera. Find someone who's on the same page as you. Being frustrated with your "type" doesn't give you a license to find any guy and cattle prod him until he's level with your expectations.

[reinventmyself]

It sounds like you are trying to justify these things because he's nice and trustworthy.

 

This fundamental side of him where he doesn't really care about providing a decent atmosphere for a date is really telling of

what you are likely up against.

 

And no, you shouldn't have to 'guide' a grown man on basic hygiene. Besides, it's not your job.

He was raised by his parents and not wolves, correct?

 

You aren't being picky. Hygiene is a deal breaker. . .So is cluelessness.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you're right he's a bit helpless and immature. However you need to stop mothering him and trying to fix or change him. You don't have to scrape the bottom of the barrel in order not to seem "too picky".

I went out and bought him sheets as a surprise and he wasn't very receptive to this action. I finally have someone I can trust who is super nice and I want to break up with him. Am I just being too picky?

[Wiseman2]

He was raised by his parents and not wolves, correct?.

]

[skyline3365]

It sounds like you are trying to justify these things because he's nice and trustworthy.

 

This fundamental side of him where he doesn't really care about providing a decent atmosphere for a date is really telling of

what you are likely up against.

 

And no, you shouldn't have to 'guide' a grown man on basic hygiene. Besides, it's not your job.

He was raised by his parents and not wolves, correct?

 

You aren't being picky. Hygiene is a deal breaker. . .So is cluelessness.

 

So, when I go for this breakup, I feel as though I need to explain to him what is wrong or he's going to keep getting dumped by women. How do I go about explaining this in a nice way? I really don't want to hurt him more than I'm going to...

[JaggerJim]

List everything in detail, and include pictures and diagrams of where it all went wrong.

 

He needs all the information you are willing to provide.

[Wiseman2]

I would not recommend any more mothering or explaining that he's "broken". He's not going to change. A girl will come along who lives like a pig, plays video games all day and they will be happy together making love on a bare dirty mattress. Just tell him it's not working out, adios.

 

Instead, try to reflect on your own need to fix, change and mother men. It could be control issues you may want to explore, so you don't keep dating the wrong guys.

I feel as though I need to explain to him what is wrong or he's going to keep getting dumped by women.

[SooSad33]

Your 'guidance'?

 

Well yes, a guy should know about sheets. As for a pillow.. again, is up to him to change that.

You dont like only because you saw.

 

What matters to YOU does not to him.. so you have your differences.

 

He's sounding like a guy still 'learning' about Life.

 

If you dont fancy this.. probably not for you, long term.

[Ms Darcy]

I would have taken one look at the mattress pad and the yellow pillow, said "gross", and walked away forever.

[Ms Darcy]

]

 

om gosh, that's too cute!

[j.man]

om gosh, that's too cute!

As a surprise residency completion gift, I booked a lodge in Norway that lets you pet and cuddle with wolves. They're her favorite animal.

[Ms Darcy]

As a surprise residency completion gift, I booked a lodge in Norway that lets you pet and cuddle with wolves. They're her favorite animal.

 

Too bad you didn't read the back of the brochure that 94% of the people who cuddle with wolves are maimed or murdered.

 

Hopefully they're tamed. But seriously, wonderful gift!

[listenup94]

Hello, Everyone .

 

This may be a tad bit long, but I have some things that have been bothering me and I would like an un-biased opinion.

 

So, Ive been in a relationship with this 26 year old man for a few months now (I'm 28 years old)... We shall call him "Danny". Danny is a really super nice guy, he's trustworthy, affectionate and also very nerdy (I like that in a guy). Danny has not really had much experience with relationships in the past and It's becoming evident as to why. He's very insecure and basically an adult man-child. I hate to say it...

 

Honestly, I feel as though I have to mother him way too much. I know that some men need guidance from a female, but I have never had to deal with it like this before.

For example, I noticed that he didn't have sheets for his bed, only a mattress pad. I went out and bought him sheets as a surprise and he wasn't very receptive to this action. Almost like he didn't want to put them on the bed. He did but as I was helping him put the sheets on, I found out that he didn't know that the mattress pad wasn't a sheet and that it was supposed to go under the fitted sheet. I really don't understand how a 26 year old doesn't know that? I had to explain it to him. I also noticed that he needs new pillows. His only pillow is yellow and pretty gross. He uses pillows from the couch when I sleep over. I can't let anyone I care about sleep on something like that. I really want to go get him pillows now. Why will he not do these things on his own? I am not his mother and This is what adulthood is.

 

Personally, I think it's a huge turn off when men will not provide for themselves, even if they have the means to. He's like this with everything. Clothes, food, car problems etc. His priorities are way out of whack. His mother set up a college fund for him (hes already gotten his associates but wants to go back) There's over $3,000 in there and he wants to withdraw that money and buy a $3,000 video camera that supposedly will help him get a job in his desired field. I'm all for supporting dreams but he's in desperate need of a mattress, bed frame and other things. There are holes in his mattress and it's dirty. It's not pretty sight at all In the eyes of priority, doesn't providing essential items for yourself come before material items? I honestly feel as though he is a teenager and we are in some sort of high school relationship. These are just some examples. There are more but don't have time to type them all. I feel really horrible for even writing all of this, but I need to get it all out.

 

I really wanted to date outside of my "Type" because all I was getting was men who "didn't know what they want". I finally have someone I can trust who is super nice and I want to break up with him. Am I just being too picky? Sometimes I feel as though my expectations are too high. The last man I dated "James", surpassed my expectations with flying colors. He was so great and I feel as though he kind of set the bar really high for all the men after him. Now, because of James, I feel like I'm being too picky all the time because men don't meet my expectations.

 

Has anyone had to deal with anything like this before? I really don't want to break up with him because I do like him, but if he's not willing to accept my guidance, then I'm not sure what else to do. Any advice for me? Are all men like this? I feel super frustrated.

Just out of interest does or did he have a male role model in life?

[kamurj]

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.