How to handle situation with partner's father...

[nutbrownhare]

My partner has a very complicated extended family - not least because his own parents were divorced when he was a child, and both of them subsequently remarried twice. I've met many of the relatives and it's always been very pleasant, even though I lose track of who's who.

 

Recently, an aunt on his biological mother's side passed away, and we had tentative plans to go to the funeral. His biological father has had nothing whatsoever to do with that side of the family for 40 years, but saw the obituary in the paper and sent his condolences. He also phoned my partner telling him that if he was thinking of going to the funeral, not to take me because it would be inappropriate because it's a family occasion. In fact, I've attended several such occasions with my guy, relating to branches of the family his actual father isn't connected with, and it was no problem whatsoever.

 

Given that his father has had no contact with them in all that time, isn't related to them, only knew about the death because he'd read about it in the paper and can't be said to speak for the family in any way, it really isn't any of his business. HOWEVER... it does say something about how he sees me in relation to the family as a whole and my role (or lack of role) in it. I have no problem with this, but I think it would be wise to keep a respectful distance from family events which DO involve him unless I've been specifically invited by others. He is very elderly and frail, increasingly unable to grasp new ideas and life changes.

 

Unfortunately, my partner is upset about this whole scenario, talking about not wanting "a rift" between me and him. I've tried to say gently that there can't be a rift if the relationship wasn't there in the first place, he's perfectly entitled to his views, and I'd prefer to keep my distance rather than tread on his toes; I'm happy to send cards, write letters and do anything else for the sake of politeness. But, to be honest, I feel very uncomfortable at the prospect of meeting his father again, if it's just the three of us, and would prefer it if my guy sees him alone; I also suspect the old man would rather have his son to himself for the day. I know he's taken an intense dislike to his other son's wife and complains about her frequently, even though she's unfailingly kind and welcoming to him.

 

Does anyone else have any thoughts about how to handle this situation graciously?

[gebaird]

I'd just ask your partner what he would like you to do in this difficult situation and go along with it. Your relationship with his father means very little, but his relationship with his father and with you both matter deeply to him. Find a way to overcome any resentment or trepidation regarding his father and do what you can to keep the peace. It's not worth the drama.

[Wiseman2]

This is the biofather's sister-in-law? Agree is sounds like a slightly senile suggestion. Don't go if you really don't want to. Perhaps call and send condolences to the biorelatives of this aunt, his mother, etc.

His biological father has had nothing whatsoever to do with that side of the family for 40 years, but saw the obituary in the paper and sent his condolences. He also phoned my partner telling him that if he was thinking of going to the funeral, not to take me because it would be inappropriate because it's a family occasion. He is very elderly and frail, increasingly unable to grasp new ideas and life changes.

[j.man]

How close was your boyfriend to his aunt? I had an aunt and uncle die within a year, and we're a pretty tight-knit family, but it wasn't quite on the level of if my mom, grandma, or sibling were to pass away. I didn't ask nor really feel comfortable asking my girlfriend to take the time and effort to come with me to a funeral I could emotionally handle fine solo. Unless him and the aunt were particularly close, it could just be a battle not worth fighting. I'd simply tell your boyfriend to make the decision that would make the ordeal easiest for him and that you're fine any way it goes.

 

All of that said, in your partner's shoes, I would've told my dad in only slightly nicer terms to **** off. Or, if he's seriously senile in some way, simply say "OK" and take you anyway (assuming you both want to attend). No idea how he'd find out either way.

[nutbrownhare]

The funeral actually took place this morning, but my partner was going to visit his father on the way back. Both of these are in the same part of the country (ish), a couple of hundred miles away, and it made sense to do both at the same time. His father phoned up specifically to tell him not to take me, just in case he was thinking of doing so, and although my partner told me he disagreed with Dad - I felt that it would cause unnecessary trouble if we then turned up together, and it was obvious that my OH had paid no attention to his father, and so I bowed out graciously.

 

(It just gets worse...) the main reason I was going to attend was because my partner has brain damage which doesn't significantly affect most of his functioning, but he finds stress and emotional upset very much more difficult to handle than most of us, and I do my best to support him. In the end I felt that the most supportive thing to do would be to stay away, as it all panned out.

 

I'm more concerned about to handle things in the future; it's going to be difficult to keep my partner happy without treading on his father's toes - or at least where his father thinks his toes have a right to be! - and I suspect I'll need to be creative and convincing in the excuses department at least some of the time...