Depression caused the breakup. Will he return?

[Vpuff]

I was with a my then boyfriend for 5 months.

I noticed he was going through a lot all within the last 2 months together, his family divorcing, him being over worked, looming job redundancy, large debt and health issues.

 

He broke down and opened up to me, he tried to plan dates but couldn't function. He got aggressive when he went out, slept in, cried, and abused alcohol/drugs more often. He went to the doctor at his breaking point. Got diagnosed with severe depression, and saw a counselor.

 

He went distant for a few weeks and then broke it off with me as he couldn't cope with the pressure of everything and didnt want to drag me down.

 

I was devastated, as I fell in love with him 4 months in to our romance. Anyway, I gave advice at arms length, and we havent spoken in a few months afterward.

 

I went over there last month to pick up my things, I got a shock that he went to kiss me straight away, and that he missed me.

 

He told me he is taking my advice, wanted to know my plans, caught up on everything and in that 1 hour, he mentioned he was unwell three times, so I know he is telling me he isnt ready. But he wanted to come over to mine, if I forgot something at his place etc. He was keeping the hope there.

 

A week later I wrote a letter to him, saying I was still in love with him, said what I needed to say about him needing to experience new things to get better and I set him free.

 

Im keeping busy, very happy with my life, but its been 1 month since that last meetup. I cannot stop thinking about him.

 

I understand him. Ive been there years ago, but I didnt have a partner when I suffered depression. It took at least 6 months to feel normal. So am I holding onto something thats not there? I have this faith that it will turn out okay. Will he return?

[ThatwasThen]

You wrote him a letter setting him free so now you're saying you wish you hadn't done that? You closed the door and for good reason. Get on with your life and doing the mental work you need to do to get over him. Time to stop wishing to be with a depressed guy who has told you he isn't ready to be responsible for your heart. If you're going to write letters setting people free then you have to free yourself of any hope at the same time.

 

It was five months wherein the last two were not the best of times for either of you. Its time to let go.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he needs time to himself to regroup. He may return if he can handle the demands of a relationship again. In the meantime give him this time alone to address his needs.

[j.man]

Alright, serious question. What is it about this guy that sounds like a good idea? Sometimes life hands you favors. This guy's doing a big one for you.

[Vpuff]

You wrote him a letter setting him free so now you're saying you wish you hadn't done that? You closed the door and for good reason. Get on with your life and doing the mental work you need to do to get over him. Time to stop wishing to be with a depressed guy who has told you he isn't ready to be responsible for your heart. If you're going to write letters setting people free then you have to free yourself of any hope at the same time.

 

It was five months wherein the last two were not the best of times for either of you. Its time to let go.

Answering your remarks here:

No. I did not close the door. Its an invite if he feels the same months down the track to show me. You know the saying? 'set them free, if they return it's yours, if not, they never were'.

 

When people say 'let go' what does it mean?

 

Im not in contact with him at all, Im socially active, and I have a life without him.

 

How do you unthink someone?

[Vpuff]

J.man There's a unique history between us that I dont want to write a novel about.

He was fantastic to me, we always did and said things from the heart, never did we have fights, we talked through our feelings and came up with solutions. Same dreams, habbies and interests. It was seriously the best to have another person feel the same as you. Ticked all the trust, attraction, sex, respect, safety, and communication boxes!

 

Whats the favor Im getting?

Obviously, we're not together, is that it? depression makes you numb/scrambled emotionally, I understand that, and have pity for him. If and when a new relationship starts, it would take someone so much better, for me to get over my ex. That seems very unlikely for me. Don't get me wrong, I am quite happy with myself esteem, but its the moments we had, the history before with our families, and our personalities.

 

But Id like to know what is it specifically that made you put him in the too-hard basket? Life isnt a fairytale you know.

[Vpuff]

It sounds like he needs time to himself to regroup. He may return if he can handle the demands of a relationship again. In the meantime give him this time alone to address his needs.

 

Yes exactly Wiseman2 thats what I am doing, and I believe that if he doesnt return, it wasnt meant to be, but if he does, he'll be a better person. It is a win-win situation.

Still it doesn't help how I feel left -wondering.

 

It also feels strange jumping back and mingling with guys with that wild card thought in my head.