Trust issues with girlfriend

[Aidle]

So me and my girlfriend have been together for about 1 year and 3 months. We've been living together for about 6 months now and over the course of our relationship I've began to have trust issues due to some of her actions. It might just be paranoia and things I just need to let go, but I'm looking to get outside perspective. Here is a list of things that have me concerned.

 

Our commute from work. We work about the same distance away and get off around the same time. Lately I've noticed that even though she should be home quite a bit sooner than me, she still arrives a half hour later. I know this because I've seen her out on the road. When confronted about it she gave me a few reasons which didn't make sense. One was to see her cousin, who she has expressed her hatred for multiple times and always tries to find an excuse to leave early when we're both visiting. The other reason was going to a local supply store. This one doesn't add up because although I've seen her car parked, the shop has been closed for at least an hour. This has happened on multiple occasions.

 

Her exes and other men. She still keeps in touch with at least one ex that I know of. The other she has to my knowledge stopped talking to. About 8 months into our relationship I did something bad and went through her phone. The conversation I saw with the ex was a bit disheartening. She would send selfies, he would tell her how hot she is and ask what her plans were. I also noticed that sometimes she would message him some of the exact questions she would ask me just a few moments prior, or maybe even before. Lately I've found myself wondering if she has this behavior with all the men she talks to, and if she thinks that's okay.

 

Our intimacy. In the first half of our relationship she was an extremely sexual person and she would often do certain activities even when she knew the favor could not be returned given the time. Now that's all gone. We make love maybe once a month and there is never a moment where I am taken care of if she can't. I would never ask her to, but seeing as how it used to happen so naturally the lack of it has made me worry.

 

Last but not least. She loves displaying little figurines around our apartment. It wasn't until a few months ago that I've learned that some of these were purchased as a gift from an ex. This doesn't bother me a whole lot but I do think about it every now and then when looking at them. She told me I shouldn't have a problem as there is no sentimental value.

[lostandhurt]

Okay let's leave the suspicions out of this for a moment.

 

You have been dating 15 months, live together and only have sex once a month? That would concern me not because I thought she was cheating but because it will only get worse from there.

 

The fact that she talks to her ex like that is an issue too. If they were old friends that tried dating it would be one thing but he obviously wants to get in her pants so that makes it inappropriate.

 

If you want to know where and what she does after work follow her. It is a big break in trust if you do though.

 

I think there is more going on here than the lack of oral and driving slow on the way home. Stay silent and keep your eyes open and see what you see. The truth will show if you look with clear eyes.

 

Lost

[j.man]

Honestly, dude, it's kinda creepy that you count the minutes to make sure her commuting time is appropriate and that you've apparently stalked her vehicle. The bottom line is that you don't trust her. You don't like the way she interacts with men or that she's friends with her ex. You have sex with her once a month.

 

Why make a decision to be miserable? Find love elsewhere.

[Aidle]

As far as sex goes we have both been a lot busier and exhausted by the end of the day. She's also been having problems with how her body has been reacting to some medication, that being said she has been on this medication since we've been together and never had a problem taking care of me then. I also know that she has taken care of herself in the bedroom at least a few times during this 2 times a month period we've been having.

[Aidle]

I'm not stalking her by any means. We take the same route home and the supply store is right off the road. I haven't been looking for reasons but when it pops out like that then yeah, I'm going to notice.

[Wiseman2]

Agree the sex dropping off to once a month after living together 6 mos is disconcerting. It seems things went too fast in the beginning sort of too much to soon if she moved in after 10 mos. What was the big rush?

 

It seems her change in commuting habits makes you think she's having an affair or seeing her ex? When were these messages from? How recently? The knickknacks mean nothing. The commuting times could mean anything and the sex could be dropping off for any number of reasons. Such as the grind of playing house too soon.

 

Talk to her about your concerns regarding lack of affection/sex. Make sure you are keeping up the romance at home not getting sloppy or forgetting date nights,etc.

 

But leave the knickknack and supply store tinfoil hat off and don't launch into mere suspicions that are more or less unproven. That makes you sound insecure since none of it can be proven.

1 year and 3 months. We've been living together for about 6 months now

Our intimacy. In the first half of our relationship she was an extremely sexual person and she would often do certain activities even when she knew the favor could not be returned given the time. Now that's all gone. We make love maybe once a month and there is never a moment where I am taken care of if she can't. I would never ask her to, but seeing as how it used to happen so naturally the lack of it has made me worry.

[gebaird]

I agree with lostandhurt -- you're basically in a sexless relationship, acting like an old married couple when it should still be new and exciting. Whether she's cheating or not, THAT issue needs to be addressed or the relationship will fail.

[Aidle]

The commute was a concern to me because of how informative she was in the beginning. There was an expectation set because she would usually tell me about even the smallest things, like stopping for gas. It was not something I ever asked for but she did it and I did the same. I don't suspect the worst case scenario, but I do have a feeling in my gut that something is being kept from me.

[No1]

Unless both of you go to couples counseling to get everything out in the open this relationship is doomed. You are hiding things from her and she is hiding things from you. Is it possible she is hiding things from you because you are controlling? You used the word "confront" I can tell you this.. if you ever 'confront' someone, its not going to turn out good. You are most likely going to get into a huge fight or hear only what you want to hear to end your interrogation. When you confront someone you immediately put them on the defensive.

 

You two have issues, weather or not they can be worked out is up to you.

[browser]

Show more interest in how she is spending her time when she stops somewhere on the way home. If she went to visit her cousin, ask her how the cousin is doing, are they working, hows the cousin's relationship with whoever, maybe the cousin wants to come over for dinner.. if she freely discusses these things, then you're probably all good. If she says "why are you asking me this" it's either because she's lying or because you're not very good at getting information out of her without appearing suspicious. Are you active on FB? Maybe friend the cousin. Say to the cousin I'm glad you and GF are back in touch, I'm adding you to my friends list. Then you can learn more about the cousin and ask your GF about particular things pertaining to her cousin.

[Aidle]

As far as me being controlling goes....I guess I could be. But honestly I've never told her not to do anything. I've told her that talking to an ex made me uncomfortable, but also said that she didn't have to stop talking to him. I've even told her I don't mind if she stops to see an ex from time to time depending on the reason.

 

I could ask her about her cousin, but again I never know when these trips happen. I was basically given a couple of reasons for the late arrivals, and was expected to figure it was either of those every time it happens.

[Dorey]

I think you are looking bit far into this. If she was up to something that would risk the relationship, why would she do things where you would see her parked or what ever when you both travel the same route. If she talks to her ex, so what, so long as it isn't aimed at anything sexual, she has every right to talk to whom ever she likes. You sound a somewhat insecure and jealous almost. Be reasonable and talk to her about your concerns if this is such a concern to you. It is probably nothing, you may be over reacting..

[catcountry]

Just saying.... When I leave work, that's when all my pit stops happen. Whatever needs to be picked up happens at that time. I don't want to do it on a weekend as that's when I want to be home and relaxing. If my BF were keeping tabs on my doings it would be a problem. If there is a sex issue it might be that the meds she is on is finally taking hold of her libido. DO NOT question her but keep your eyes open just in case.

[nutbrownhare]

I would feel really creeped out by a partner keeping tabs like that. You clearly don't trust her at all, and she's very likely to have sensed this on some level - which would explain why she's keeping her distance sexually.

 

This relationship isn't going to work. Without trust and respect, you've got nothing.

[MissCanuck]

I agree that keeping tabs on her is creepy, but I also question what exactly her motives are in sending selfies to an ex to elicit compliments. That is a sign that she doesn't have appropriate boundaries and is an attention-seeker, plain and simple.

 

The longer commutes home could be nothing. Same goes for the figurines.

 

But you are right to be concerned that she's looking for attention from an ex, and that your sex life is already in the toilet. You don't trust her, rightly or wrongly. So, where do you envision this relationship going? You are already on shaky ground and you're still a relatively new couple.

[Aidle]

I would feel really creeped out by a partner keeping tabs like that. You clearly don't trust her at all, and she's very likely to have sensed this on some level - which would explain why she's keeping her distance sexually.

 

This relationship isn't going to work. Without trust and respect, you've got nothing.

 

Again, the only reason I've noticed is because we take the same route home and it happened quite a few times within a short period before I brought it up. When it was brought up I only asked if she had stopped anywhere and that was that. The reasons she gave me aren't exactly what I've written here, but one of them is very time sensitive which is why I was curious.

 

Also I don't mind who she messages, but if it were anything like what I saw with one of the ex's then I would have a problem with it. Selfies and heavy flirtation on their side leaves me wondering why it's important to keep in contact with them knowing their intent. I should also point out that it would be less of a problem if she were more open with it, waiting until I'm not around to message them makes it seem like there is something being hidden. There have also been some provocative pictures taken by her that were never sent to me, I get that some people do it just for themselves but if those pictures were going to another man then obviously that's also a problem.

 

I'm not keeping tabs, but when it's something obvious then I'm not going to remain oblivious.

[nutbrownhare]

There's no trust or respect in this relationship. By the sound of it, from either side.

[Aidle]

I agree that keeping tabs on her is creepy, but I also question what exactly her motives are in sending selfies to an ex to elicit compliments. That is a sign that she doesn't have appropriate boundaries and is an attention-seeker, plain and simple.

 

The longer commutes home could be nothing. Same goes for the figurines.

 

But you are right to be concerned that she's looking for attention from an ex, and that your sex life is already in the toilet. You don't trust her, rightly or wrongly. So, where do you envision this relationship going? You are already on shaky ground and you're still a relatively new couple.

 

 

Honestly I love her very deeply. I've had many long term relationships but this is the first time I have experienced any problems like this with the woman I am with. One of my more recent ex's would message other men and some ex's from time to time but she was always very open with it. I never asked her to be but she was, any time it happened she would tell me she was talking to one of them and talk about there conversations.

[Wiseman2]

Believe or not this vehicle tracking device is being heavily marketed for Christmas but for adults to track their teenage children. I only asked if she had stopped anywhere and that was that. The reasons she gave me aren't exactly what I've written here, but one of them is very time sensitive which is why I was curious.

"Hum, which costs $14.99 per month, includes a module that plugs into a car's OBD port and a handsfree unit that can clip to a visor. Between the two — plus a smartphone app — the service offers vehicle health monitoring, roadside and emergency assistance, and stolen vehicle tracking. In addition to the location and speed alerts, this month's update will enable location tracking and a driving log, which measures travel times, engine idle times, and average speeds".

[nutbrownhare]

Believe or not this vehicle tracking device is being heavily marketed for Christmas but for adults to track their teenage children.

"Hum, which costs $14.99 per month, includes a module that plugs into a car's OBD port and a handsfree unit that can clip to a visor. Between the two — plus a smartphone app — the service offers vehicle health monitoring, roadside and emergency assistance, and stolen vehicle tracking. In addition to the location and speed alerts, this month's update will enable location tracking and a driving log, which measures travel times, engine idle times, and average speeds".

 

You mean someone else would be able to monitor when you'd got lost, went the wrong way down one-way streets and that you'd taken an inordinate amount of time to get back to your car because you'd forgotten where you'd parked it? So you could be held up to public ridicule and mockery?

 

Oh dear...

[Aidle]

I'd like to thank everyone for their replies so far. After reading them it's easier to realize that I'm looking to far in to certain things but there are also some things I should be concerned about. I'm going to be open with her about everything and explain that a lot of what's on my mind are probably just insecure thoughts that I need to get over. I think not being open about them from the beginning was wrong, no matter how silly it might seem if we're not completely open about what's on our mind then it's a problem. I'm hoping I'll find reassurance but I wouldn't blame her for thinking I'm crazy and wanting to leave.

[lostandhurt]

Why don't you leave the insecure parts out of the discussion for now. Better for you to work on the other issues that are concrete first and I would bet some of the other stuff will fade away.

 

The lack of intimacy needs to be addressed. Ask her if she is okay how often you are intimate. Also don't say or think things like "She took care of me" or "Doesn't take care of me as often as she used to" Sex/making love needs to a shared experience not just an orgasm.

 

If her contact with ex's really bother you then you need to express that in a way so she can understand where you are coming from and you also need to establish boundaries you are comfortable with. If she decides to keep seeing ex's as "friends" and it bothers you then it is time to rethink this relationship don't you think?

 

Don't just eat your emotions and stay with her because you are afraid you will never meet someone new, you are half of this relationship so speak up.

 

Lost

[PICCOLLO]

Trust in a relationship is about letting go. It means that she could be cheating and you'd not know because of the freedom she has. The moment you keep tabs on someone they feel trapped. Trapped people want to be free. Letting go is a very liberating feeling in a relationship. Try it?

 

The messaging the ex thing needs to be addressed and agreed boundaries set. But, in my experience, if you guys are out having fun, having sex and forging a life together, exes are generally forgotten. Remember, they are exes for a reason.

 

Relationships get stale if you let them. Be free to voice your concerns but focus on the positives. If after all that you still feel suspicious, cant ignore she's hime late or continues to text the ex after youve told her how upset it makes you, time for a fresh start. You might be lonely at first but a bad relationshio can make you even more lonely.

[Aidle]

Why don't you leave the insecure parts out of the discussion for now. Better for you to work on the other issues that are concrete first and I would bet some of the other stuff will fade away.

 

The lack of intimacy needs to be addressed. Ask her if she is okay how often you are intimate. Also don't say or think things like "She took care of me" or "Doesn't take care of me as often as she used to" Sex/making love needs to a shared experience not just an orgasm.

 

If her contact with ex's really bother you then you need to express that in a way so she can understand where you are coming from and you also need to establish boundaries you are comfortable with. If she decides to keep seeing ex's as "friends" and it bothers you then it is time to rethink this relationship don't you think?

 

Don't just eat your emotions and stay with her because you are afraid you will never meet someone new, you are half of this relationship so speak up.

 

Lost

 

Thanks for the advice. To clarify a little bit and give everyone a little more info that I should have given at the start I will explain her getting home later a little better. Like all of you have said it's probably insecurity but the situation isn't exactly as I described. The real reason she told me is that she stops to fix her makeup because the sunlight makes it easier, and when she does it's behind a building off our main route home. If I look over as I'm going home you can barely see the tail lights poking out. The reason it had me a little concerned is that this has been happening at night during winter. I know it's still insecurity and yeah probably creepy but I wanted to come clean. Thanks again for the help everyone.