Your thoughts please

[Boj27]

So I've been seeing this girl for around 5 weeks now. During that time we've spent a lot of time together and we both like each other. She told me she was seeing other people while seeing me. she is a very guarded person because of her dating past, she spent 3 years with someone who was pretty abusive towards her at the end, and cheated on her multiple times. Because of that, she was very weary about who she wanted to be attached to which is completely understandable. I've never felt the need to break up with a girl in my past and whenever something happens I'm always the one who tries to fix things, not one to just throw in the towel. I made sure to tell her this early on, and that I've never cheated on anyone. About 2 weeks in after seeing each other around 6-8 times, she pretty much told me she was scared that she was catching feelings for me and was scared of getting hurt. I made sure to address all of her concerns with what I've mentioned above.

 

We kind of made an agreement to see each other exclusively at this point. Not be girlfriend and boyfriend, but just see each other exclusively.

 

Fast forward another 2-3 weeks and we are at the present day. She introduced me to her mum, and family. At this point I felt things were going well. About 6 weeks in she told me she thought she was going to end up loving me and I said the same thing.

 

Today, I received a text message from her saying that she has kept something from me. She told me that she slept with someone else about 3 weeks in. This was after we kind of made an agreement to only see each other, but let me iriterate that we are only seeing each other, and we aren't strictly official and together.

 

It's left me very confused and it hurts quite a bit. Part of me is saying that I should break it off with her while it won't hurt Too much, and if this has happened so early on, what's to come in the future? She told me she would never cheat on anyone as she knows what it's like to have that. The other half says give her a chance, we aren't official and I should give her a full chance to show her worth when we are completely official and if anything like it happens again, then end it, as technically she hasn't really done anything wrong.

 

I asked for her thoughts and justifications on it, and she said she only went to meet him as she was seeing him while she was seeing me before we made that exclusivity arrangement, and that she wanted to make sure she didn't have any feelings for him, and sleeping with him wasn't supposed to happen.

 

I knew they talked beforehand, and I was fine with it as I didn't even know they'd met up. So after finding out, I pretty much said okay the first thing you're going to have to do for me is delete his number and block him and tell him that you're seeing me and it's getting serious and that that's what it's going to take to even keep me remotely interested in keeping this going. She's done this and while she showed me the message she sent him, I could see they really haven't talked very much in the past week and she actually ignored him on some occasions. I pretty much made the point that if she wasn't willing to do this, then she obviously had feelings for him.

 

At this point I've left it with her telling her that I need some time to think and process my thoughts which she's fine with. She said she wanted to be honest with me and have no secrets. It was only 3 weeks in, so I'm half tempted to keep it going.

 

What are your guys' thoughts please?

[gebaird]

This certainly isn't an ideal beginning for a relationship, but you have to admire her honesty. For the right girl, I'd be willing to forgive an incident like this -- once. A second occurrence would be a deal breaker.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but you did the right thing stepping back from this. At only 5 wks in, you may want to cut your losses. Lots of red flags right up front.

 

She presents herself as damaged and wounded

Not over her abusive/cheated-on past.

She dates others

She sleeps with others after being exclusive.

Wants to 'make sure' how she feels about other guys by cheating. But then wants to "be honest, no secrets" about it.

 

To be honest I would pull the plug. She doesn't sound ready to date and from what you've seen in just 5 wks, there may be more surprises, headaches and heartaches to come.

 

She's just too messed up. Don't fix or try to rescue her. was this guy she slept with the abusive cheating ex? These types often run back to these guys..

She told me she was seeing other people while seeing me. spent 3 years with someone who was pretty abusive towards her at the end, and cheated on her multiple times.

Today, I received a text message from her saying that she has kept something from me. She told me that she slept with someone else about 3 weeks in. she wanted to make sure she didn't have any feelings for him and sleeping with him wasn't supposed to happen. At this point I've left it with her telling her that I need some time to think and process my thoughts which she's fine with.

[Scoe141]

I'd pull the cord. It's time to bail out on this one.

 

Do it now while there isn't a significant emotional investment.

 

Sorry you have to go through this, but there are women who won't treat you this way.

 

Good luck.

[Talblkman]

Wow this is tough. I don't have an answer I just simply wanted to admire you! You appear to be pretty awesome and whether you stay with her or not.....the right woman that comes into your life will be very fortunate.

 

If I did have to give an answer I would suggest you give her a second chance because of her honesty. Unfortunately, if the shoe was on the other foot I couldn't forgive her because I have an issue with trusting from the beginning. I know that didn't help...I'm sorry.

[Boj27]

Thanks for the replies guys, it's much appreciated. I have told her I need to give it a few days just to mull it over, and she is perfectly fine with it and she understands. At the moment I am leaning towards giving it another chance, but as one of you said above, just once. I also told her that I'm glad she told me and that I didn't find out myself by mistake. Keep the replies coming

[katrina1980]

 

 

I asked for her thoughts and justifications on it, and she said she only went to meet him as she was seeing him while she was seeing me before we made that exclusivity arrangement, and that she wanted to make sure she didn't have any feelings for him, and sleeping with him wasn't supposed to happen.

 

 

So then why did it happen?

 

She went to see him to be sure she didn't have feelings for him (which as a woman sounds like BS but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on that one), but common sense dictates that since she did have sex with him, she still has feelings for him (obviously).

 

She may not want to, but we cannot control our feelings, they just "are."

 

It doesn't matter what you tell her to do, and/or what she does (delete his number, block him, whatevs), bottom line is she still has feelings for him otherwise she would NOT have had sex with him.

 

If it were me, this early in, I would walk away.

 

I applaud her honesty, but it doesn't negate the fact she still has feelings for ex and it's just not smart to get yourself mixed up with a girl who still has feelings for her ex.

 

I wouldn't if roles were flipped.

 

Just not smart and you're asking for trouble IMHO.

[lostandhurt]

If I were you I would leave the sleeping with this guy out of it and think about the rest of the things you do know about her, how she treats you, responds to you, looks at you, shows interest in you and your life, treats others and on and on.

 

Once you take a good long look if she is gf material then decide if you can accept that she had sex with a guy after you kind of sort of became exclusive. Technically she didn't cheat and she did come clean with you. If you do decide to continue (not give her another chance because she didn't do anything wrong) then you have to be all in and put this behind you. No throwing in her face or holding it over her head.

 

I think you will keep dating her so keep your eyes open to anything that you don't like and be sure to communicate.

 

Good luck

Lost

[Wiseman2]

She's hot/good in bed, right?

At the moment I am leaning towards giving it another chance. I also told her that I'm glad she told me and that I didn't find out myself by mistake.

[HeartGoesOn]

Unless I'm misreading something, the fact that you weren't exclusive at the time would classify her as a free agent. My apologies if I misread anything...

[DancingFool]

Sorry but sex doesn't just "happen". It actually takes effort and mutual involvement to a pretty high extent.

Also there is absolutely nothing confusing about agreeing to be exclusive. You either are or you aren't. The very term implies NOT sleeping with or seeing others.

When you add to it her claims of being damaged, stringing you along with "oh I just need to be sure", etc, etc, etc.

 

I'd say....RUN don't walk away from this girl. Remember that the greatest lies have a huge element of truth to them. It's what makes the lie so effective.

 

So look at her. She tells you she is such a victim and that she would never cheat and what does she do? Cheats. Then she has the audacity to look you in the eye and pull the victim card "oh I just had to be sure I don't have feelings for him by sleeping with him".....it's so bad it's funny really. She is not a victim, she has giant brass balls and she is truly pulling one heck of a mind fck on you.

 

I sincerely hope that you opt to walk away from her. Whatever she is, one thing is very clear from where I'm sitting - this girl is very bad news and to be avoided at all costs, unless you enjoy a roller coaster type relationship that will leave you questioning your sanity.

[katrina1980]

Technically she didn't do anything "wrong"... but that shouldn't even be the issue.

 

The issue is, she still has feelings for ex, and unless you want to get mixed up in that drama, walk way.

 

Or as DF said, RUN AWAY.

 

Like I said in previous post, you are asking for trouble (and potential heartbreak) if you don't.

 

Your choice.

[Boj27]

Technically she didn't do anything "wrong"... but that shouldn't even be the issue.

 

The issue is, she still has feelings for ex, and unless you want to get mixed up in that drama, walk way.

 

Or as DF said, RUN AWAY.

 

Like I said in previous post, you are asking for trouble (and potential heartbreak) if you don't.

 

Your choice.

 

Thanks for the reply. The guy isn't an ex, he was someone she was seeing before we agreed to be exclusive, just to make things a little bit clearer. They only met the once and she has been very detatched from him since the incident happened after looking at what their conversations were like. She knew him a similar length of time so what I knew her when it happened (about 3 weeks)

[missmarple]

I would give her a chance as I had done something similar when I had started dating my ex husband. After we became exclusive and during our years of relationship and marriage, I never cheated on him..so, yes, it can be done

[Boj27]

well i've been looking back at previous messages. I remember having an spoken agreement with her on the 3rd of December. The incident happened on the 1st of December before the said agreement of exclusivity. I've mulled it over today and as events happened before the agreement, i am willing to let it go. I have told her if anything of the sort did happen from the 3rd onwards, she needs to tell me. She has promised nothing has happened, so I am willing to give her another chance and come to terms with it. wish me luck for the future!

[TiredOfDating]

So I've been seeing this girl for around 5 weeks now. During that time we've spent a lot of time together and we both like each other. She told me she was seeing other people while seeing me. she is a very guarded person because of her dating past, she spent 3 years with someone who was pretty abusive towards her at the end, and cheated on her multiple times. Because of that, she was very weary about who she wanted to be attached to which is completely understandable. I've never felt the need to break up with a girl in my past and whenever something happens I'm always the one who tries to fix things, not one to just throw in the towel. I made sure to tell her this early on, and that I've never cheated on anyone. About 2 weeks in after seeing each other around 6-8 times, she pretty much told me she was scared that she was catching feelings for me and was scared of getting hurt. I made sure to address all of her concerns with what I've mentioned above.

 

We kind of made an agreement to see each other exclusively at this point. Not be girlfriend and boyfriend, but just see each other exclusively.

 

Fast forward another 2-3 weeks and we are at the present day. She introduced me to her mum, and family. At this point I felt things were going well. About 6 weeks in she told me she thought she was going to end up loving me and I said the same thing.

 

Today, I received a text message from her saying that she has kept something from me. She told me that she slept with someone else about 3 weeks in. This was after we kind of made an agreement to only see each other, but let me iriterate that we are only seeing each other, and we aren't strictly official and together.

 

It's left me very confused and it hurts quite a bit. Part of me is saying that I should break it off with her while it won't hurt Too much, and if this has happened so early on, what's to come in the future? She told me she would never cheat on anyone as she knows what it's like to have that. The other half says give her a chance, we aren't official and I should give her a full chance to show her worth when we are completely official and if anything like it happens again, then end it, as technically she hasn't really done anything wrong.

 

I asked for her thoughts and justifications on it, and she said she only went to meet him as she was seeing him while she was seeing me before we made that exclusivity arrangement, and that she wanted to make sure she didn't have any feelings for him, and sleeping with him wasn't supposed to happen.

 

I knew they talked beforehand, and I was fine with it as I didn't even know they'd met up. So after finding out, I pretty much said okay the first thing you're going to have to do for me is delete his number and block him and tell him that you're seeing me and it's getting serious and that that's what it's going to take to even keep me remotely interested in keeping this going. She's done this and while she showed me the message she sent him, I could see they really haven't talked very much in the past week and she actually ignored him on some occasions. I pretty much made the point that if she wasn't willing to do this, then she obviously had feelings for him.

 

At this point I've left it with her telling her that I need some time to think and process my thoughts which she's fine with. She said she wanted to be honest with me and have no secrets. It was only 3 weeks in, so I'm half tempted to keep it going.

 

What are your guys' thoughts please?

 

I was in a very similar situation with my current BF. He made it clear for several weeks that we were NOT exclusive. His marriage had just ended due to his wife cheating on him.

 

your girl was honest, and it happened before you guys were exclusive. And even if you sort of agreed to not see others, you also made in clear in your original post that it still wasn't an "official relationship". its understandable to be a little hurt. yes, it may have happened much earlier, but you were closer when she told you about it. She may have felt the need to be honest before fully committing to you, to give you a chance to decide if you want to proceed.

[Boj27]

I was in a very similar situation with my current BF. He made it clear for several weeks that we were NOT exclusive. His marriage had just ended due to his wife cheating on him.

 

your girl was honest, and it happened before you guys were exclusive. And even if you sort of agreed to not see others, you also made in clear in your original post that it still wasn't an "official relationship". its understandable to be a little hurt. yes, it may have happened much earlier, but you were closer when she told you about it. She may have felt the need to be honest before fully committing to you, to give you a chance to decide if you want to proceed.

 

That is exactly what I was thinking, could have worded it any better.