I blew it, I was negative and didn't see it...until it was too late.

[Trinity11]

Apologies for length...its a little release as well as background/ask for advice.

 

Almost 2 years ago I met the guy of my dreams (I am early 30s). We were not the usual couple, we spent time away from each other as by SO works away as a geo. That didn't stop us from staying in contact and feeling good.

Unfortunately I let the team down in a few ways. To him, more often than not, when we would do an activity sucy as snowboarding, i would complain, or ask for his help, but get annoyed when he didnt know how to communicate/instruct to my understanding. Or sometimes I would not go with him and his friends when offered (I did not go with him much). Now I know this was mostly just my lack of confidence. He and his friends were very good and I didn't feel encouraged/reassured that it would be low key. Of course there were some good times, but not enough.

 

In general he said i was negative, like not super friendly with cashiers or if someone asked me something he knew i was excited about I would come off blase. He was led to think I was not interested in the things that were important to him...and generally being a drag.

 

Finally he asked one of his good friends what he thinks of me, I like this person, but don't know them well. They come to visit on weekends, I work weekends. They didn't have much to say either way as we do not know each other so well. That was saddening. I have avoided big group situations with his friends as there was one time he took off for a few hours, and i don't speak the same first language, so while i got on for a bit, i got increasingly upset that he did not check on me. I figured next time rather than get mad, id just not put myself in that situation. Small groups however are ok. To him, it seems i didnt care about his friends.

 

While he made small critical comments like "you are really complaining a lot today" It made me feel defensive. It also seemed like a passing comment, rather than saying it was affecting him and his relationship...Im a slow learner. Funnily enough, I am NOT usually a negative person and I do not carry on this way with others. I did not know why I did at the time but have thought about it since and believe i just wanted reassurance in new situations and I communicated this poorly.

 

He told me there was issues two days before leaving for work for 6 months. We had a marvellous time after that...then we went on holiday and i complained about my heavy backpack and refused his help when he offered to carry it - I know, i thought i was being a burden..but it was childish. For him..that was the last straw.

 

I had a panic attack at work one day (never had one before) about university, i took on too much....however that was unlike me...so i went and got a blood test. I was rock bottom in Iron and Vitamin D. Got my levels up and felt like a new person.

 

He carried on contact and was counting down the days for his return and I had been telling him about the good things in my life that had been happening. I signed up for a vegan potluck with ppl i dont know, joined a dancers workut at the gym (i have never joined gym but was a dancer once) and i started a fb group and made new friends to go snwboarding with so i would not complain i had no one to ride with. I felt terrible for the incident on holiday but had made changes in my life and thought once he was back things will be awesome and i could share the positivity. I never got that chance.

 

I think that if we could have consitently hung out and had fun, and if he could communicate in a way that i understand, things would have been ok. He had mentioned that he thinks so too, but i guess there is an issue of trust, that things would be the same as they were...and he is not ready to go there at this stage, but he did love me, but that got dampened by my actions which he thought must be my core personality (his words) I think about how one person at work makes me feel with their complaining and griping, I like them...but it makes me tense. I actually feel sick when i think I must have made my ex feel like that. I feel the most horrible about that than the breakup I think. Knowing that it was me....but also knowing that isn't me, and certainly isnt me right now.

 

Although the breakup is truly devistating... and for now i have to accept that the man i waited for 6 months so eagerly i will not get to see...I still feel really good. Honestly, the vitamin deficiency played a HUGE role in how i felt, my confidence everything...its actually crazy. I did tell him that, but I guess I cant expect him to understand.

He said he would be interested in going snowboarding sometime...but not while we are so emotional as he is scared that if it didnt work out my heart would be broken again. I said i agree its not the right time. Ive had time to reflect about what he said we we chatted, and that chat should have happened a LONG time ago, I think we both understood where we both were coming from, and if given a second chance, i would love it, but ONLY if he can communicate a bit better.

 

I text him after the BU a list of things that I found important in a partner and a few lil areas that we let each other down a bit, I also made it clear i do care about the things he finds important and his friends and i had wanted to do a bday at his house as a step to have better relations with him (i had tried to find a good time with him to do this pre breakup). I have been in no contact since he messaged me to tell me he would be interesting in snowboarding some time...Im not sure if i should ask when he is free or wait for him to ask me.

 

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before. Blewitbutdidntknowit? Is there any chance of reconciliation?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Were you dating or just friends? It sounds like you are incompatible on so many levels that ending it was bound to happen, plus LDRs are very difficult.

 

Post BU contact is not a good idea and will hurt you and backfire. Why bother texting him a list of what you want in a partner after breaking up? go no contact so you can heal better and move on.

[Trinity11]

I had texted him before we had a lengthy chat.

Yes we were in a relationship.

We were compatible (things started out well) but I guess I grew complacent and I also had the vitamin deficiency that affected my mood.

I am not usually a negative person and definitely wouldn't say it's my core personality, my friends are a bit shocked and sad for the situation and see I made a mistake . It was my fault, I made us un compatible, when we otherwise were by being selfish. I just had a rough patch and things have been looking up since I started to do things for myself. This was before the break-up but he was not here to enjoy the change.

 

Generally we laughed and played, enjoyed alone time and with friends it was just one aspect that when I went Snowboarding I would become a pain..as I said not all the time, but enough that he didn't want to do those things as much with me.

I certainly regret not picking up what he was not so obviously putting down.

[Wiseman2]

If a snowboarding date caused the end, he was looking for an excuse to breakup. LDRs are too difficult for most people. Vitamins don't cause breakups and it takes two to be incompatible.

I made us incompatible. it was just one aspect that when I went Snowboarding I would become a pain. but enough that he didn't want to do those things as much with me.

[Ms Darcy]

I think that if we could have consitently hung out and had fun, and if he could communicate in a way that i understand, things would have been ok.

 

But he cannot communicate in a way you can understand. That's the heart of the incompatibility. And yes, you guys are incompatible on many levels. I am glad he seemed to give you a lot of feedback so you won't be left wondering why he left. But don't use that as a means to second guess everything about yourself.

 

I think with this new knowledge and the correction in your hormones (with the vitamin D), you are primed to heal and be ready to meet the right person for you.

[Trinity11]

Really? Aside from that I didn't see any problems but of course I am not in his mind. He would do things to show me love like if I was too busy too see him because of school he would come over and make a meal just to see me.

Over time I think my complaining became a problem, not a couple of isolated incidents (or a snowboard date) . He said he thought because I complained when we did things that he found important, maybe I didn't and I might not be a good match. It's a shame. From when he voiced his concern(properly) to the end was a bit sudden.

I asked why he told me he loved me at the airport after holiday and he said he thought that would make things easier?? (it was only the second time he said it, but I don't say it either)

The chat/goodbye was hard. He cried a fair bit, more than me I think. I did feel like I let us down not that he had planned it.

 

People are confusing.

[Trinity11]

Thanks Ms Darcy. I guess I was left a bit in the dark. It hurts though. I didnt feel as though this was coming but I can see why. I don't think I'm double guessing I think his point is valid I was being a drag, and it's just not me. Thats the hard part.

 

Iv mentioned many negative it's what I came realise from our talk. It's what I took away a I want to improve , not exactly what was said. But overall it was a positive relationship

 

When things started we both thought this was it..that was discussed. Our friends thought so too.

I guess in the end what will be will be. I would hope for a chance to share tge positives I've made for myself but plan I'll never see him again.

[RayF]

It was likely a slow burn, something he was thinking about a lot and being long distance makes it easier to think and disconnect especially if the other person is left behind, the one that leaves home it's a lot easier to separate.

 

You're doing a character assassination it's not all you here, it's a two way street. I'm sure you made mistakes... the negativity was not easy to deal with, I've done it to people I know. But I also know life happens, there are hard times. Someone needs to stick around or the long term.

 

I don't think it's an issue of incompatibility, that's a term that gets thrown around a lot as an excuse to decide it's easier to walk away from something than compromise. No one is completely compatible. That's BS.

 

He did not want to compromise anymore, Im not sure why. He probably thinks you are who you are and he should not change you. Or maybe it's an excuse to justify his actions of leaving you. Even if you convinced him to stay or you are aware of your actions it would not matter. Trust me. Been there, done that, his mind is made up and it's likely a lot of things but mostly he just does not want to deal with a real relationship. It sounds like his priority is snowboarding.

 

You can learn from your negativity and use it as an opportunity to try and your outlook on life a bit or catch yourself in the next one and simply communicate when you are in a bad spot so the person does not internalize it.

 

But don't think this is all your fault, it's not. He had issues too even if on paper he was what you want, what you need is someone who can accept yu for what you are and accept people have hard times and negativity and are not always "on".

[Ms Darcy]

I respectfully disagree Ray. An ex and I had similar issues regarding communication and negativity. Overall, it seemed like a decent relationship for a while though. But now that I am with my husband, it is 1000% better. We are not always in agreement, but we are generally on the same wavelength.

 

A part of me would have died trying to compromise my NEEDS for the rest of my life. I am pretty sure we would be divorced by now. Who wants that?

 

Relationships are for figuring out who is right for you for the long term .... Like the next 50 years.

[Trinity11]

It was likely a slow burn, something he was thinking about a lot and being long distance makes it easier to think and disconnect especially if the other person is left behind, the one that leaves home it's a lot easier to separate.

 

I don't think it's an issue of incompatibility, that's a term that gets thrown around a lot as an excuse to decide it's easier to walk away from something than compromise. No one is completely compatible. That's BS.

 

He did not want to compromise anymore, Im not sure why. He probably thinks you are who you are and he should not change you. Or maybe it's an excuse to justify his actions of leaving you. Even if you convinced him to stay or you are aware of your actions it would not matter. Trust me. Been there, done that, his mind is made up and it's likely a lot of things but mostly he just does not want to deal with a real relationship. It sounds like his priority is snowboarding.

 

 

Thanks Ray. What was your situation when you managed to get a chance?? Yeh i think he was just sick of my negativity and decided to leave, you are right that he thought I am who I am and you cant change people, I wouldnt change him...but the thing is...im not negative. I was, but Im not and no one can change me but me..and I did..and it did not even have to do with him at the time crazily enough. I just felt better. gah! haha

[Trinity11]

@Ms Darcy, who was the one a bit down in that previous relationship? You or they..did they recognise there was an issue if it was them..or did you if it was you? I NEVER had any complaints about him at all, we never argued, more that i would complain that i could not do something, my boots hurt that kind of thing.

[RayF]

With my situation it was a girl who was 23, I'm 32. She was way wise beyond her year but she still is a young girl. She lacks life experience, She didn't know that a connection like ours is a rarity and a person who's willing to compromise is even rarer. She thought everything should just work out and there is never a reason to focus on the negative or deal with that side of life. It's why she's never happy but she has not figured that out yet. I can't teach her that she needs to live many years of maturation to get there. I know this now, but I still miss her desperately.

 

I generally am not a negative person (I used to be) but I am still rather pragmatic and will call a spade a spade if I see it. I'm not hopelessly optimistic either, and I may tend to air glass half empty as a way to keep myself in check but I'm not a complainer and I get things done and am successful. But I can really burden myself with the burden of stress, I can internalize it and be moody. I realize that's hard to deal with. With this girl I just had the absolute worst year career wise I never had and I was negative. She told me her issues with my attitude and my "lifestyle". I told her it's circumstantial I can and will change and I did change my actions a lot. She was feeling a lot better when she had to move back to her country to get her school finished for her visa.

 

But the long distance and what she said was " the bad experience of us living together left irreversible marks on me" made her want to break up with me after she came and visited me in October. She in her mind gave it a chance wanted the feeling to change and eventually it never did and being so far form me she wanted to end it even though she said she loved me and did not know how she would be without me. She did not want to be with me. The issue was "Who I am and not what I do".

 

When I've told objective people my story they seem to tell m all the same thing. She's young, she's not capable of dealing with a real relationship, you tried, you put effort in and were willing to compromise, she was just using excuses not to get too deep into a relationship that is not always perfect because she does not have her own life skills and strength to deal with that.

 

And you know what? She even said some of the same things to me. I at least have to respect her for that.

[Ms Darcy]

He was the complainer. But he was frustrated when he would explain stuff to me and I didn't get it.

 

Honestly, we weren't suited.

[Trinity11]

Ray that sounds very familiar in my case my stress factor was university, i took on too many classes that i could also work with. I was supposed to work less but we were short staffed. I get the feeling ex I think expects things to roll along, they are very outgoing and positive, and thinks my way of thought was my "lifestyle" too. Its not. Also when went on holiday....that was my chance apparently..but I didnt know/ take it. I feel so silly. That is a fairly similar story..but we are both older.

[Trinity11]

Thanks Ms Darcy. Im beginning to wonder if I am suited to anyone. I just know i can't go on driving people away.

[RayF]

Trinity I truly do relate to your story it's similar and hits home on many levels.

 

What happens though if you have a death in the family, or fall ill, or loose your job or any other hosts of problems. Don't take this personally for yourself, he needed to be strong enough to handle all that and frankly he should have done a better job communicating his needs to you. Complaining about your boots being too tight is small stuff he was sweating because he did not want to be with you on some deeper level. Whatever that was.

 

I told my ex I'd try she reluctantly let me and I really did do it with the best of intentions, I was not trying to change myself for her but I sure was trying to convince her that it's not all that she thought (and it wasn't) but the fact that she didn't just KNOW that an accept that made the whole thing a moot point in the end. At this point the only thing you can really do is ask him if he thinks the relationship is worth giving you a shot to be more mindful of his needs or not. It sounds like he already said no, so just DO NOT beat yourself up over this. All you can do is be mindful of your faults for the next round and let the person be strong enough or match with you enough to accept you for who you are.

 

I really respect Ms. Darcy a lot and her advice (she's given me so much great advice) and she is probably right that maybe someone down the line will just "get" you or be suited to you. But I think it's a lot more complicated than that. While it will happen with the right person, it also comes paired with a rationalization that no one is perfect and no two people are really compatible on all levels. Both people need to have that maturation of understanding so they can accept things for what they are and look past the less than ideal elements for the general overall good a healthy relationship brings. So timing and place in life has a lot to do with it. If that learning can not come from eachother but from relationships prior.

 

Ms. Darcy I'm not meaning to talk "about you" and not "to you" by the way, Just wanted to clarify that!

 

I know personally several people who worked past issues to become more compatible with each other and are really happy now. It would have been easier to walk away for sure... But you both have to be in it, know yourself and each other and have great communication skills.

 

My girl wasn't anymore and neither is this guy it seems.

[Trinity11]

I know i had said i wondered what would happen if the tables were turned, if i got sick or went to school, would he support me like I had him? Even in a perfect relationship.. He had never really be tested. I think if he was commited yet...i mean he has done things for me..its not like its all doom and gloom.

It was just so confusing...i mean he messaged me the WEEK before to send me a link of gloves to pick out and also offered a suggestion (which was the same pair i picked) as i had said a couple of days before when it was super cold i was reminded that my gloves were a bit old. It was so nice and i was so excited he had heard what i said in my message about how id had a great day in the cold.

 

I can say im proud of making changes without his prompting, I had come to that decision on my own, so it was for me..and i guess benefited him too...but ultimately I had made positive steps without him.

 

He does not seem totally convinced with his decision from things he has said in the couple of chats and text, but i will not push as I think I need my own time, and i also do not wish to lose my dignity (at least in front of him)

I have been ok as long as im doing something physical...snowboarding has actually become my vice and i have rallied a few ppl to go on an overnight snowshoe trip...ive never done it, i dont think i have enough gear...but i want to do it. A fire, nature...hot chocolate and friends...

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks Ms Darcy. Im beginning to wonder if I am suited to anyone. I just know i can't go on driving people away.

 

Is that a pattern in your relationships? Driving people away.

[Ms Darcy]

I really respect Ms. Darcy a lot and her advice (she's given me so much great advice) and she is probably right that maybe someone down the line will just "get" you or be suited to you. But I think it's a lot more complicated than that. While it will happen with the right person, it also comes paired with a rationalization that no one is perfect and no two people are really compatible on all levels. Both people need to have that maturation of understanding so they can accept things for what they are and look past the less than ideal elements for the general overall good a healthy relationship brings. So timing and place in life has a lot to do with it. If that learning can not come from eachother but from relationships prior.

 

Ms. Darcy I'm not meaning to talk "about you" and not "to you" by the way, Just wanted to clarify that!

 

I know personally several people who worked past issues to become more compatible with each other and are really happy now. It would have been easier to walk away for sure... But you both have to be in it, know yourself and each other and have great communication skills.

 

I totally understand you RayF. And in many ways, I agree. There are definitely couples who can work through some tough issues and end up happy on the other side.

 

I also think the language difference plays a pretty big role in the communication challenges in this relationship. That's just my gut feeling.

[Trinity11]

Do you mean english language or foreign or just communication? My ex bf english is better than mine (Im native english), he enjoys reading a lot, french just becomes a problem with others when i am in a large group of people where i cant speak to smaller groups at time for instance a bar/nightclub...it is hard to flit between conversations when you can barely hear so people get tired. I understand a little so can follow, although i cant speak it so it becomes tiring for me. Smaller groups like bbqs or where i can move around and speak to everyone is better. Everyone is very polite and tries, but their english is not as good as my ex's always.

As for the communication, I love it when we chat pillow talk or whatever and get out things that are bothering us. I usually initiate and its a non stress situation and we have gotten somewhere in the past with it. With his passing remarks that come off like...say something my mum would say, i just didn't hear it as an issue. he relays some information, but not how it makes him feel so i didn't connect the dots. My bad. I myself would make the mistake of saying "i have no one to do x with" instead of being upfront and ask if he would do x with me. I think with the stress of school i lost my confidence and time a little and it was not a good recipe.

 

Oh as for driving people away, I think i may have once before. Well sort of, i mean just taking the fun out of something for my partner. i was intimidated by my lack of skill and they didnt care, but i stressed out over it anyway (also snowboarding). However that was a totally different relationship and not a healthy one at all, he was manipulative and all sorts of other...but i do think of a particular day that i was stressing out ..and he was frustrated rather than supportive, so there is a good chance that my insecurity may ruining good things. That is why I am self blaming quite a bit here... I was not aware of it back then, but i am now so hopefully that counts for something although the realization came a bit late.

[RayF]

I totally understand you RayF. And in many ways, I agree. There are definitely couples who can work through some tough issues and end up happy on the other side.

 

I also think the language difference plays a pretty big role in the communication challenges in this relationship. That's just my gut feeling.

 

 

I agree with that too Ms Darcy about the language barrier being challenge for Trinity's relationship, and I know first hand because I think that and the cultural difference played a bit of a part in mine too. But communication is definitely key. I think that comes from maturity and experience and self respect an respect for others too.

 

in my case my ex was actually a decent communicator but not good enough because she did not let me in on her disconnection with me. She says it's because she could not put it into words because she was trying to understand the feelings and hoping it would pass. On one hand I kind of get that but it did not help especially when we were at a distance.

 

I expect it's a bit of the same thing going on here.

 

Trinity don't mistake a few casual thoughtful messages from him as communication. I'm sure even if he made the decision to leave he wrestled with it and you were the closest person to him, so its natural he would still show warm moments before he walked out.

 

My ex was telling her friends she was going to break up with me but was still hesitant to do it, and during that time she was really supportive when I lost my job, sending me silly snap chats or whatever... basically jut normal stuff. But it did not mean things were going on behind the curtain.

[RayF]

Trinity your lack of snowboarding skills should not make you believe you drove away a former partner. Thats beating yourself up over something like that! Anyone who would not want to be with you because you did not have skills in a hobby they enjoyed is not worth your time. A real person who loved you would be thrilled you were trying and would want to teach you and share that experience with you. And they may even just accept you if you didn't share that hobby at all. Common interests are important but there is a lot more to a healthy relationship. This stuff does not matter.

 

The insecurity you speak of comes from within, you need to love yourself and know the right person will love you for who you are.

 

Just say, Hey i'm super excited to be here... I kind of suck but we will have fun anyways, can you teach me few new tricks? Or tell him you are afraid you won't be able to keep up, and he can (and should) say, no problem why don't you and I go separately and I'll go with these friends another time? Or Hey no worries at all it's all about having fun together you will do just great, we want you there.

 

A guy should want a girlfriend not a competitive snowboarder to be his companion.

 

Obviously I know you know all this and I'm not trying to belabor the snowboarding thing, I'm just truing to use it as an example to encourage you to not get so down on yourself and let you know the insecurity goes a lot deeper than snowboarding, taking on too much classes or any other number of hosts that life brings along and will challenge you with , never bet yourself up for these kinds of things or a person not accepting them about you. It's natural to be negative or insecure about not being good at something, you just need to laugh it off and be confident and love yourself enough to go with the flow.

 

Same goes for uni, it's ok to be stressed, complain, even be moody... a partner should be there to help with that. But yes, you nee to be mindful of their needs to and be sure not to take your stress out on them. Its finding the right balance but you know that managing stress and hardship comes from within too... This goes beyond any partner.

 

Its just about communicating and being self ware and sensitive to your partner, you will take this learning into your next relationship and be just fine.

[Trinity11]

You're right, I'm sure they didn't care, but I am a little competitive and hard on myself and I just want to learn. He said I wanted a coach.. I kind of did. But he's not there for that, he could have been my champion not coach though and I didn't let it happen.

 

I've been thinking today..while I could act happy, I need to BE happy. I think I expected too much, I didn't create positivity I thought it would come to me, I complained I didn't have Ppl to ride with etc instead of taking action.

The things I have done for myself since this journey... I'd say after that holiday, is create situations of positivity. I reached out, and there was people there. I rallied a few people together for a snowshoe overnight trip. Two things I've never done, it was surprisingly easy and I am excited about it.

I didn't like who I had become on that holiday and I knew I couldn't go on like that. It was not anyone else but me, and in the end, I'm the person that will hurt the most.

 

So I'll carry on, the break-up has been easier I think because I have a positive outlook now, but of course I have my bad days, I simply regret not acting sooner..but I can't change the past.

 

I really appreciate everyone's comments x

[RayF]

Trinity I know all too well what you mean and you know what I admire that you can take a self reflective stance and know you need to change!

 

I didn't want to see you beat yourself up when he clearly has parts to blame but you are right that going out of your comfort zone and challenging yourself for self improvement is a great additide to take!

 

Post break ups man have I ever challenged myself to change and it was and is hard but man I'm a happier person for it let me tell you.

 

My ex was a bit delusional and nieve and unfair but she was right in some ways I needed to lighten up and open up.

 

If these people never come back in our lives they left us with this lessen and it's their loss if they never want to benefit from that. Someone else's gain, and most important ours.

[Sparkle99]

I don't think you should be so eager to change yourself for someone, maybe you long to be with someone who is thoughtful the way he is, that doesn't mean you should be with him, there are plenty of people on the world capable of treatin another human being right. It doesn't have to be him