Clingy and over-affectionate roommate. Need advice.

[Eskimo2000]

Hello,

I just had a new roommate move in. I needed someone to fill a room and ended up asking a friend. The first few days was fine, but now she's become too clingy and affectionate to the point where it's uncomfortable. She's always rubbing my back when I'm sitting on the couch, or trying to come into my bedroom when I just want to be left alone. I though I could handle it and that it would pass, but last night was different.

I have an old girlfriend in town this weekend. I told my roomie that she was coming over. She texted me saying that she could make her bedroom available for her if needed. I replied that she would stay with me in my room. The night before she came she would take any excuse to touch me. Rubbing my back or the back of my head. Even standing outside having a smoke for a moment of peace, shell come outside and stand next to me, rubbing my back. I told her to stop, I just want to be left alone.

I decided it wasn't a good time for my friend to stay over so we got a hotel for the weekend by the beach which ended up being perfect. My roomie kept texting me "are you coming home?". I replied no and that should have been that.

Yesterday I brought her to the airport and went home. As soon as I get home, she's touching on me, even hugged me from behind and wouldn't let go until I turned, forcing her to. I went into my room and shut the door. Ten minutes later I got a text asking if I was coming back downstairs. I said no, I'm sleeping and I have to get up early. Within 30 seconds I heard her call my name from outside the door. She didn't even knock, she just walked into my dark room, sat on my bed and started to rub my head. I said I'm sleeping, turned away, and she started to rub my back. "Am I bothering you?" She asked. I said yes, you didn't even knock. I'm sleeping, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

This morning on my way out she stopped me on the stairs and tried hugging me again. She hugs me about five times a day.

I have been direct with her in the past, that we were friends only. She was desperate for a place and so was I. How do I, in the politest way possible, tell her that I don't like being touched. I need my space, and that she has to respect that. It suvks because my life is stressful enough as it is. Home is my sanctuary. Now it feels like I have to strategize every move I make to avoid a clingy or passive aggressive person who just wants to be in my space at all times? I want to be as delicate as possible because it's her home too now.

[HeartGoesOn]

How were you involved with her previously?

[rosephase]

Ugh. That is a tough spot. I think you really need to set some boundaries with her, possibly in writing. I find e-mail to be a clearer form of communication when dealing with detailed and sensitive topics. If you write out what is making you uncomfortable (Don't come into my room without knocking, don't hug me or hold me or rub my back, please leave me alone unless I invite you to spend time with me ) it can be easier for someone to understand.

[Wiseman2]

Hmmm...sounds like she wants more than roommates. Just keep saying No to back-rubs and when she enters your bedroom tell her you are busy.

 

You picked her for a roommate so you need to talk and have some boundaries for real. Apparently she thinks you are teasing, or kidding or somehow keep inviting it. Did you ever sleep with her?

 

How old is she? Tell her to get a bf. Set her up with someone.

I needed someone to fill a room and ended up asking a friend. She's always rubbing my back when I'm sitting on the couch, or trying to come into my bedroom when I just want to be left alone. I told her to stop, I just want to be left alone.

My roomie kept texting me "are you coming home?". As soon as I get home, she's touching on me, even hugged me from behind and wouldn't let go until I turned, forcing her to.

[j.man]

Sorry, but it sounds like a situation where you can either have a friendly roommate or you can have your personal space. Doesn't appear to be an option for both. What was your relationship with her prior to moving in? Had you hooked up with her or engaged with her in any similar way?

 

You've tried asserting yourself and asking nicely, and you'll most likely have to resort to being blunt. She'll most likely stop being chummy, but it wouldn't be the first apathetic roommate situation that's ever been. It's the risk you run when moving in with anyone, much less a stranger. Most of us have our own roommate horror stories to tell.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

I agree with above. Sounds like she thinks you're playing. Especially if it's been going on and that many times a day.

 

I knew a guy that would always tell stories about how he told people to f^€

 

Not sure if that's how your situation is but from where I'm sitting it sounds plausible.

 

I agree with above, try email. Honestly if it was me I would sit her down and tell her to her face but it's 2016 and people have big problems with confrontation. If you don't like it, voice it. Tell her.

 

It sounds like she thinks you guys are in a relTionship.

[Eskimo2000]

No I have never ever hooked up with her in any way. I've known her for about six years. She was my assistant then when I went independent I have been getting her work here and there. There was one time like this in the past where I had to be firm and tell her to stop. That was years ago. She was in a very abusive relationship before and has major abandonment issues. For the past few years it's been fine. It comes off as friendly and affectionate but I don't want her to do it. It feels codependent and it drives my anxiety through the roof. It's making me mad because I don't feel like it's fair for her to impose her neediness onto me. She acts as though if I'm on the phone, reading in my room, or just out with a friend, she acts as if I'm doing it not because I want to but because I don't want to spend time with her. Then when I get home, she clings to me as if I can disappear again.

[SherrySher]

Do your best to find another roommate and in the mean time, try to be as polite as possible and tell her no to the back rubs and so on.

Once you've found someone else who will share the rent with you, let her know she has to go or you're moving. You can't remain living with a person who won't keep their hands off you, even if you speak to her about it, your home life will become awkward and uncomfortable. She needs to go.

[greta96]

I don't really see your dilemma, because the answer to your conundrum is pretty simple from where I stand. Why not, next time she rubs you or does anything you are not comfortable with, tell her something like "listen, I am really uncomfortable with you being this touchy feely, as you know I am only interested in being roommates and nothing more, so please respect my private space so we can both enjoy a pleasant, calm cohabitation".

Unless you spell it out for her in no uncertain terms, she won't stop. And can you imagine what will happen when you get yourself a girlfriend? She will do her best to ruin it for you! Better to discourage her now, before she has a chance to mess with something important going on in your life.

PS - also put a lock on your door.

[Talblkman]

I suggest you make it short and sweet "As much as I don't mind you being my roommate I have serious issues with this touchy feely thing. The next time you touch me I will have to ask you to leave. And I'm very serious". Good luck.

Or you could set her up on a blind date, she'll feel hurt but get the point.

[DancingFool]

As the old saying goes, people will only push your boundaries when you allow it.

 

You say that you don't want this or that, but in actions you are tolerating her behavior. So, that sends a mixed message to her, so she will choose to read it how she likes, aka you must be shy and deep down like the attention. For example, when she walked into your room, you should have gotten up immediately, walked her out while telling her it's unacceptable for her to enter your room like that, shut the door and locked it behind you. Then gone back to bed.

 

Next day, you should have sat down with her and talked to her again how absolutely inappropriate that was and that you will not tolerate this kind of an invasion of your privacy and personal space. That as a roommate you expect her to respect that and if she can't, you will be moving out and mean it. Be blunt and be consistent.

 

Could she turn on the waterworks? Sure. She might, but keep in mind that if she does, she is actively manipulating you and the way you address that is by looking at her with disgust and telling her that if respecting a roommate's space and privacy upsets her, she needs to find her own place starting today. Her behavior is unacceptable and her reaction is disappointing to you. Then you get up and walk away and let her have whatever tantrum she wants to have. Once you show her that you have a spine and say what you mean and mean what you say, she will back off.

[Wiseman2]

Keep in mind You invited her to live with you, so you need to own that as well has having accepted the hugs and back-rubs. Plus you knew she was needy, yet of all the folks you could have asked to live with you you reached out to her.

 

You can't blame her for your lack of assertion and boundaries when you invited her to live with you and led her along at first with allowing these boundaries to be crossed and accepting this physical contact.

 

All you can do is finally be honest and firm..or give her notice. Take responsibility for allowing this to happen and inviting her to live with you, knowing very well how she can be.

There was one time like this in the past where I had to be firm and tell her to stop. It comes off as friendly and affectionate but I don't want her to do it. I don't feel like it's fair for her to impose her neediness onto me.Then when I get home, she clings to me as if I can disappear again.

[agent1607307371]

Lock on your bedroom door in the short run. In the long run, you need a new room mate. She's busting through boundaries at an uncomfortable rate. She just walked into your bedroom and started touching you. That's so beyond unacceptable.

 

Clingly and over-affectionate are not the words for her behaviour.

 

What would you tell a female friend if she had a roommate who was doing this? It'd be to get his ass out of the house before she woke up to him assaulting her.

[Eskimo2000]

I agree. Blunt and to the point is the best option. It's just hard because it will really hurt her. The problem with her leaving is my lease is up in February and I won't be able to find a replacement since I'm leaving today and not cominback for three weeks. It was a mistake having her move in, but being desperate in a living situation took over. I was in a draining co-respondent relationship for three years, I broke off the engagement because of it. This is triggering me big time. The pressure to be on the hook for someones basic well being is debilitating

[agent1607307371]

It's just hard because it will really hurt her.

 

She's a grown up. Time to take responsibility for her behaviour. She's hurting you right now. She doesn't care about that.

 

Have you been in therapy for your co-dependent tendencies? Because that would be a big help in avoiding this kind of stuff.

[Wiseman2]

If this is a pattern, you're the common denominator. You are going away. Have the talk and leave it at that. Door locks are great ideas. You are creating your own drama here not her.

I was in a draining co-respondent relationship for three years, I broke off the engagement because of it. This is triggering me big time. The pressure to be on the hook for someones basic well being is debilitating

[Eskimo2000]

With all due respect, I don't find myself in these situations often. My former fiance was the first and this is my second. Hence the idea for posting on this forum. I am out of my element and don't know how to best go about it.

[agent1607307371]

Defintely by enforcing your boundaries. Don't let her grab you - move away the moment she does it. Locks on your door. Don't answer your phone every time she rings. She's latched on to you, now you have to make sure she doesn't burrow in.

 

And you will feel like the bad guy. But you're not. She's the one who is behaving inappropriately.

 

 

Just consider that if you've been caught by two people like this, you need to figure out what's attracting them.

[reinventmyself]

I agree. Blunt and to the point is the best option. It's just hard because it will really hurt her.

 

If you have asked her to refrain from these things and she continues, you saying something doesn't - hurt her. She is hurting herself by not taking you seriously and forcing you to repeat something more firmly or in a way that she can hear.

[DancingFool]

Speaking up and firmly, consistently asserting your boundaries doesn't hurt anyone ever.

 

Quietly suffering, growing increasingly resentful until one day you can't bear it anymore and explode over things IS going to hurt pretty much everyone because you are effectively blindsiding them and being dishonest with them and yourself about the situation. The resulting blowout will leave scars on both sides and is a very unhealthy approach to conflict.

 

I know you say that you've talked to her about it before, but as I said in above post, your words and actions are inconsistent. On top of that, what you feel was firm, wasn't firm enough because she isn't hearing you. If you want peace, you will need to find a way to be much more clear, firm and consistent in both words and actions.

 

It's pretty hard to hug someone against their will. You might get surprised by that once or twice, but after that you will see it coming and are able to take evasive action to stop the contact, along with a firm "No, I've asked you not to touch me, I mean it. Please respect my personal space. Thanks." and walk away. If that hurts her, it's not your problem, it's a problem she needs to address in therapy.

[Wiseman2]

My former fiance was the first and this is my second. I am out of my element and don't know how to best go about it.

]

[SherrySher]

I have to agree with Wiseman and others. If women are becoming clingy and co dependant and so on..it's because you're letting them. You need to be more assertive and not keep giving off the vibes that you are open to being whatever they need and want, whenever they please.

You need to start setting boundaries and stop being these women's doormat. It's one thing to be cautious of their feelings, it's another to keep allowing these kinds of things to happen and barely say anything. It only takes one time or telling someone...no, it is NOT this way, and NO I am not comfortable with it...end of.

If it'c continuing, its because you're letting it.

[Unreasonable]

She obviously has a big crush on you and wants to get in your pants. Honestly, I would find a way to get her removed from premises as soon as possible. You have a girlfriend for Pete's sake. This is a recipe for disaster. Write out an agreement that she's not to do anything she's doing that bothers you and sign it, otherwise you'll have her evicted.

[kamurj]

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