In a stable long distance relationship but jealous of friend's new guy

[WhatSayYou]

I've been in a good stable relationship for a little over two years. She moved temporarily for work and thus the last year has been long distance. We get along great. It has not been easy as a "cake walk" but we manage. We talk and text several times a day and I could see us being married. There is a 10 year age gap, me being 40 and she being 30, but it doesn't bother either of us.

 

I met the other woman at work shortly after my girlfriend moved and was instantly attracted to her. She knows about my girlfriend however I sensed a mutual attraction. I tried to keep myself distanced from her to avoid temptation. However, being co-workers we have gotten to know each other.

 

Things were fine until I noticed her and another co-worker seriously flirting with each other. This made me jealous and I realized that I had much stronger feelings for her than I thought. This has been eating me up inside typo the point that I've been losing sleep. I want her to be happy and I don't want to hurt my girlfriend. I've been debating telling my coworker how I feel but I know this would be unfair to her and my girlfriend and instead of one good relationship I could end up with two bad ones. I'm not sure how my coworker would take the news, I do know that my girlfriend would not take the news well.

 

As therapy, I wrote each of the women a letter about me feelings towards them. I don't intend took send the letters. However, I find myself being drawn to the letter I wrote to my coworker more. Any advice you can give would be appreciated.

[EKM]

This could depend on what kind of relationship you want. You mention you are 40. Do you want to get married soon? Do you see yourself marrying your girlfriend or the coworker? The coworker may just be temporary lust. Your jealousy may be your new friend spending more time with someone else, or her leading you on while leading on another guy as well.

 

A woman may suit you more being a girlfriend, than a wife. That's why I said it depends on what relationship you want.

 

However, you shouldn't stay in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt the other party. Long term, it will end up hurting both parties. You would feel unhappy in your relationship, and thinking for yourself is important as well as thinking for her. If you still love your girlfriend, try to make it work. If not, break it off. Also, never stay in a relationship just because you have been together for a long time and feel obligated to continue.

 

Don't avoid your coworker. Avoiding the problem will make you feel worse. If you suspect it might be temporary lust, maybe just hang out more and that lust will disappear. You will start to see the coworkers flaws etc. and wonder why you even liked her in the first place. However, if it doesn't disappear, you really may have fallen for her. But just remember, the coworker may not return your feelings.

 

If you decided to be with the coworker more, I do wish you would break up with your girlfriend first before advancing. Otherwise you'll be seen as a cheater.

 

Also, just note this is my own opinion. You don't have to agree or take it too seriously. I am only 20 after all and know almost nothing about love. Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

When are you and your girlfriend going to be closing the distance again? How often do you see each other?

 

Some of this might stem from sheer loneliness, with your girlfriend being long-distance. But it would be a good opportunity to see where and if you and your girlfriend can strengthen your connection.

 

I agree with the above poster that this is probably a passing crush. LDRs are hard and when there is someone in your vicinity giving you attention, it's not always easy to ignore. But also bear in mind that you are possibly idealizing this woman, too. She - like all of us - has her flaws, as EKM noted too. I would definitely not tell her how you feel. But I would talk to your girlfriend about improving your bond, as I would guess there's a disconnect of some type there.

 

The only time this has happened to me (ie harboring a rather intense crush on someone else while in a relationship) was when my ex and I were growing apart. We had already been drifting in opposite directions but meeting someone else for whom I had an intense attraction magnified the gap between my ex and I. Nothing ever came of that crush, by the way. I never revealed how I was feeling to him or my ex, but I did do a lot of soul-searching and realized my relationship was coming apart. I tried to redirect my focus and energy back into my relationship, but in the end we decided to part ways. That may or may not be the case for you, but I would strongly suggest that if you see a future with your girlfriend, start looking at ways to build up your bond.

[Andrina]

When an emotional connection is lacking in a primary relationship, it's easy to fall into an emotional affair, especially with a co-worker who you see so regularly. Since you have a gf, you need to realize that the depth of friendship you've allowed to get yourself into with your co-worker is wrong. If you plan on staying with your gf, the ethical thing to do is to gradually start treating the female interest as any other co-worker. That means you don't seek her out at work for chats. You don't eat lunch together. If she stops by your desk for chats, you can be pleasant but then cut her short and say you need to get back to work. If you have a brief conversation, only discuss topics you would with any other co-worker.

 

If she asks you if anything has changed and you're acting weird, tell her the truth. Let her know you've realized that you let an opposite sex friendship go a little too far and it's not good for your relationship with your gf.

 

Read some articles on emotional affairs. You will see yourself there, with tips on how to extricate yourself and learn from your mistakes. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but this isn't a "stable LDR". You are attracted to someone else and that's not a good sign. She's your coworker so that in itself is reason to maintain your boundaries.

 

Break up with your gf rather than string her along or worse send dopey letters about your work crushes to her.

 

Do not blurt out your crush. For two reasons. One is you don't want a sexual harassment problem at work and two she knows you have a gf so blurting that out puts you in the cheating creep zone.

 

Your coworker could take that letter to the management as proof of sexual harassment. She goes to work in order to work not be the subject of your crush and assist your cheating.

I've been in a good stable relationship for a little over two years. She moved temporarily for work and thus the last year has been long distance.

I met the other woman at work shortly after my girlfriend moved and was instantly attracted to her. I realized that I had much stronger feelings for her than I thought. I've been debating telling my coworker how I feel I'm not sure how my coworker would take the news, I do know that my girlfriend would not take the news well.

[WhatSayYou]

Thanks all.

Sometimes knowing the truth and accepting it is not the easiest thing to do. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else.