Facebook pokes with an EX

[HurtHusband]

Good evening everyone,

 

Some of you may remember me from my prior thread that pertained to my wife and I having some major relationship issues. We have now been in couples therapy for a few months, took a couples retreat, went on a romantic trip to Mexico and my wife has even started seeing a therapist for her individual issues. These have all been positive things and our relationship seems to be headed in a healthy direction.

 

A brief overview on a recent issue before I get to the Facebook dilemma. As explained in my previous thread my wife craves male attention and that primarily comes from the gym. I am quite active at the gym now so although we go at slightly different times we do overlap and see each other there most days. Recently when I was having a quick conversation with my wife (between sets) this guy comes up, hits my wife gently on the back with his lifting belt and bends down towards her face and says "Hey you, how are ya??" She politely said "hello" and turned back to me. I was instantly insulted that a guy would actively interrupt our conversation and go so out of his way to get her attention. I immediately said "hey man, if you want to interrupt our conversation you could at least say hello to me too." He got all confrontational and said "I don't even ******* know you dude, what's your problem?" so I said "actually you do know me, I've been a spot for you before and we've chatted a few times and this is also my wife of 12 years, not just a girl I know." He said "whatever dude" and walked away.

 

After my wife was done working out she left and I continued my workout. I usually have headphones on but I didn't for some reason. I could hear that same guy making fun of me with a few other guys at the back of the gym. I've been trying to stand up for myself more so I confidently got up and walked over and made it clear I didn't appreciate the earlier situation and also had issue with him making fun of me about it. I went on to say that I'm sick of guys hitting on my wife constantly when she's just at the gym trying to work out. I said I wanted the stares to stop, I wanted the pointless attempts at flirty conversation to stop. He was surprisingly polite and seemed to understand where I was coming from. He showed me his wedding ring and said his wife had a baby on the way and he seriously wasn't flirting with my wife he just liked to be pleasant and say hello. I accepted that and moved on with my workout. Later on he came up to me and once again apologized for making fun of me and also for interrupting my conversation with me wife. He asked if we were "cool" and I said we were. One day later...ONE day later, I wasn't at the gym because I had an out of town job with the company I own.

 

My wife told me this horrendous story of events that transpired the day I wasn't there. My wife was finishing part of her workout so was taking a short rest, she had her headphones in her ears. This same guy proceeds to walk all the way from the other side of the gym and motions for my wife to take her headphones off. He asks "how long have you and your husband been married?" "12 years" she says. He proceeds to talk about his wife and the baby on the way and how much he loves her and is excited to be a dad. He then asked why I wasn't at the gym and she said I was working a job out of town that day. My wife then did something she admits was a horrible idea. She proceeds to tell this guy that we had been having some issues in our marriage but that things have been getting better as we are doing fun things together and both making changes. He then flat out says "Well I wanted to suggest something...if you'd ever be down I would totally **** you." My wife once again didn't do the best thing and said "You'd actually do that to your wife?" He then says "well she wouldn't find out and its happened once before because like you there was a woman I just had to have"...my wife again in my opinion didn't say the best thing. She said "I'm flattered but that's not something I'd be interested in doing RIGHT NOW (right now????) and I don't cheat on my husband. I don't want things to be awkward though if we don't do it." He then said "don't worry it won't be awkward, I just wanted to put it out there and I'm down to **** if you are."

 

While she was telling me this story I couldn't help but just shake my head and smile because I told her not even one day earlier that I knew he was a piece of **** and I knew what he was after even after his BS conversation with me. I got upset with her regarding the way she responded to his proposition and she agreed she handled it poorly but defended herself saying that she was just shocked and didn't know what to say. She said she never gave the impression that she was interested in sex at all and certainly didn't mean to come across like she was interested in doing that at a later date. I told her I was going to confront him at the gym the next time I saw him and she pleaded with me not to say anything. I'm trying to be more confident so I initially respected her request and saw him the next day but said nothing. One day after that I was working out with a friend and he came strolling up to me and said "hey buddy, how are ya??" with a big stupid grin on his face. What set me off was the fact that he must have at least considered the idea of my wife telling me the whole situation. I almost felt like he was taunting me. Enough was enough so I turned to him and said "I know what you did you ******* piece of ****, stay the **** away from my wife!" He put his head down, his expression changed from a smile to a frown and he silently walked away. I went back to my workout but could see out the corner of my eye that he had begun pacing back and forth. Within a minute or two he charged at me...can you believe that??? Charged at me! Fists flying so we got into a physical altercation. A gym employee had to get between us and my friend also got in the middle of us. He started screaming at me "You ****! I'll ******* kill you if you ever look at me or speak to me! Your wife is a ******* liar!" I hadn't even said what my wife had told me...guess she must be a liar. Anyways I'm writing a novel about this but the whole situation calmed down. The gym called the cops but I didn't press charges as I said I'd give the guy a chance to leave us both alone and just do his workouts. I'm way too reasonable of a person. So far so good. He stays away, looks away and if either of us get close to use equipment he leaves the area. He attempted to apologize to me but I asked him to **** off. I don't want an apology from a piece of ****. My wife seems concerned about the situation now being awkward and wishes I hadn't said anything. I told her she would no longer be taking away my manhood and that this was totally a situation I needed to handle as a man and husband.

 

My question is regarding my handling of the situation. Did I do the right thing? Any additional advice for me? I'm all ears.

 

The Facebook thing was a lot quicker. I went out with my wife and some friends last night. We were having an amazing time together and with our friends. Having drinks, all over each other and dancing. Best time we've had in a long time. My wife and her friend needed to use the washroom in the bar we were at so us guys stayed back and had a drink. When my wife comes back I could tell something was up. She says "please don't be mad but an ex boyfriend of mine is here and he noticed me and came up and said "Hey! Wow you haven't aged a bit and you look amazing!" I told him I'm here with you, my husband and he said "Oh thats great, I'm also married with two kids" and that was it." I initially said "why would I be mad? You can't help who is here and who talks to you, I'm not mad at all." She then for some reason told me that she sometimes creeps his Facebook page because he was one of the few guys like me that actually treated her nicely and that she was just too young when they dated and he was way too short for her. That's sort of where I feel the situation went from being something that wasn't an issue and turned into an issue. Today I asked her to show me her Facebook so I could see just how often she creeps his page. It turns out they aren't friends on Facebook but she seems to check his page about two times per month. I also noticed that she had checked his page when we got home from the bar and then again this morning when we woke up. That bothered me. To make things worse I noticed that she "poked" him on Facebook. She then got irritated with me saying I'm blowing this out of proportion and that he had poked her first, then she poked him back and then he poked her again. She had deleted his pokes for some reason...very strange. She then said she feels like I am trying to keep her from talking to everyone. I felt like I was being attacked because thats never been my intention but I do feel couples have no business creeping ex's Facebook accounts on a regular basis nor should they be poking each other. Felt very childish to me. The other part I failed to mention was that after she told me she saw him and he talked to her he actually came up to our table and started trying to talk to me. He said I seemed like a nice guy and he was happy for us. I sort of felt like saying "why do I care what you think buddy...I've been with her for 12 years and you guys dated for a few months, get lost" but I remained pleasant and eventually said "Okay well have a good night..." hinting for him to leave and he did. My wife got angry with me today regarding my concerns over the creeping and poking on Facebook. She even went on to say that she feels she should be able to have a Facebook conversation about how he's doing and his family and tell him how we are and about our family because it's completely harmless...thoughts??? Help me out here, am I being crazy over this?

 

Our therapist, her friends, her therapist and I have all noted how she seems to have self destructive tendencies and destructive tendencies regarding our relationship. No one agrees that her seeking male attention is reasonable and everyone says I put up with too much. Her therapist said she needed to make major changes or I'm going to leave and I am now fully prepared for that situation. We've discussed it and it would actually be her that would leave. I would stay in the house with the kids since I do night duty with the kids every single night anyway. I greatly appreciate everyone who reads this and gives me some constructive feedback.

 

Thanks everyone!

[SherrySher]

Your wife is a trouble maker and loves drama and other mens attention...either get used to it, or leave.

You've tried couples therapy, you've tried a couples retreat, she has had individual counselling and STILL...she is pulling the things she is. Which is why my point was so blunt.

Nothing else you can do.

[kbbcoop77]

Sounds like she's waiting for the ideal time to cheat, it's obviously on her mind. Unfortunately it's probably going to happen if it hasn't already..

[RainyCoast]

yes, the gym histrionic bleep. i was wondering when the next time her character nullified all reasonable attempts at decency in a relationship would be.

 

it's who she is man. it's how much of a "partner" she is, and what you see is her "love".

 

i would not project her lack of morals onto others and get confrontational with her man hoes. it was her who had explaining and confronting to do, and boundaries and morals to keep. they weren't bothering her, harrassing her, or assaulting her. they were responding to her, and she kept up the interaction, and even blames you for "making it weird" for her. if she were bothered, she would have asked them to stay he heck away from her and reported them to the staff if they didn't keep her distance.

 

her fb ex wasn't taunting you. she was taunting you.

 

it honestly sounds like she shares these indiscretions with men with you because the male frustration and competitiveness boosts her ego. and it promptly irks her when you send the "competition" away.

 

she's the issue. the men are just milking what she's offering.

[SherrySher]

Exactly, RainyCoast! My points exactly summed up in a bit more detail.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, she's encouraging the attentions of other men, creating these dramas - such as telling them about the problems in your marriage - and then relishes describing them to you afterwards. It sounds as though the guy in the bar was trying to let you know that nothing untoward was going on; it was your wife who turned a non-issue into an issue.

 

Unfortunately, against this background, you're likely to be hyper-vigilant to any minor hints of cheating, and her behaviour isn't helping.

 

It seems that this is a clear pattern in your relationship, and if you want to handle this like a man - the dignified thing to do is to end the relationship as cleanly as possible, and walk away with your head held high.

[HurtHusband]

Throughout the last few months I've pondered what my options are. I've started to realize that the most beneficial response to her behavior is to end the relationship and attempt to find someone who makes me happy and who I make happy. I know the road will be difficult and she will put up a fuss about her life as she knows it coming to an end. I just don't feel like a man anymore. I feel cut off at every turn. Her every move around the opposite sex makes me cringe and makes me feel disrespected. I can't even see her have a harmless conversation with a male family member without wondering if shes flirting. I feel like everyone flirts. If you are a nice person and in turn are nice to members of the opposite sex it would probably be interpreted as flirting and that's totally acceptable. It's the sexual flirtation that drives me crazy.

 

I haven't been truly happy, nor felt like a man in a number of years and this isn't healthy. I'm pushing for a separation because as much as this has negatively impacted me, I know it has also had that effect on her. She's 100% an attention seeker and she will never feel fulfilled with me or any guy for that matter but maybe she can find some pitiful amount of happiness in "the chase" as she has constantly put it. "I just like the chase! That's all I want. I want someone to want me and try to get me and then I'm done with it. It would never move past that point." It's become ridiculous and I'm ashamed of her for it and ashamed of myself for allowing it to happen.

 

She comes home from her one on one therapy saying things like she wants to make a change and she's so sorry that shes been so disrespectful to me. She now understands that there needs to be boundaries with the opposite sex. She even commented last week that she feels like shes now working out for the right reasons. She said that she legit just likes working out now and doesn't care who's watching or who is around her. I, of course, got a false sense of security with those comments. I felt like maybe she could change, maybe she wanted to change, maybe our relationship was finally headed down a path of rebuilding and mutual respect.

 

Today at the gym it was pretty empty. We have been switching it up. Going to a different gym every now and then because people don't know us there. Seemed like the perfect opportunity for her to show her new found respect for me and our relationship. Seemed like the perfect opportunity for her to enforce these new boundaries with the opposite sex and show me that she could work out just to work out and be healthy. I was having a great workout today. I would look over at her between sets and I noticed that she was half attempting everything, pacing around, going in and out of the change room and had a look of distaste on her face. I asked her what was up and she said "I'm not feeling it today. I'm not feeling my workout today and I've got no motivation. I hate this gym and I don't want to be here." I looked around at the gym we were in and said "it seems to me that this gym has all the same equipment as the other one, it just seems to be lacking the attention feeders." She began to get red faced and started to cry. "After this set I'm leaving" she said. "I have no motivation and why do I even do this anyway? What's the point? This is all for nothing." I just shook my head and said "I'm here, I'm working hard. I'm looking more fit than ever and having a really good workout. I should motivate you like you motivate me." "You don't motivate me though," she said. "I know, I don't motivate you, you need the attention feeders," I said. She didn't disagree.

 

This has been a long and difficult path we have traveled together. We have a lot to show for it. Our beautiful children, a beautiful home and a life that many would and do envy. She just doesn't belong here in this life with me anymore. She's caused me such pain and heartache these last few years. It's a harsh reality I'm finally accepting. I'm not happy and I haven't been happy for quite some time. Shes not happy. I love this woman to death and I know I always will. It will crush me to see her with other men and know shes with other men but maybe that will fade with time. I've started looking for a condo close by for her. She needs to remain close for the kids. They love her and she loves them. They don't see the pain and disrespect. I'm happy for that I guess. How could I be so blind for so long. A separation was always going to happen. Nothing I changed or tried was going to have any impact on that. I deserve to be happy and my kids deserve a happy father. I'm not looking forward to this but I'm having this conversation with her tonight. Is it unmanly that I'm quietly crying as I type this??

[WantsKids]

Dude! Drop this lady. She has zero respect for you. You do realize you can date other people and eventually find a more fulfilling relationship, don't you?