Baby Mama Drama

[Confounded1]

I've been with my domestic partner for six years. We have two children together, I'm on his insurance, I have his last name, and I'm a stay at home Mom. We basically live as husband and wife. He recently traveled out of state to visit his children and attend a court hearing as he hopes to get custody. After he got on the plane to return home he received a text from his children's mother which read "thank god my tubes are tied or that would have been another baby for sure." Followed by kissy faces. I didn't believe it. The only reason I saw it was because it came through on my daughter's iPad which has his account linked. I have NEVER read through his text but now I began scrolling. Above that she'd texted what an amazing time she's had and how she'll do everything in her power to make him the happiest man in the world and hopes he goes home and makes the right decision which I guess is leaving me and my children to be with her. So against my better judgement I call this woman (evil home wrecker) and the gist of it is that she tells me they're in love and had it been anyone but her it wouldn't have happened and not to blame him. After I hang up on her we have a texting war via his text account; so when he gets off the plane he sees the whole thing. I'm very proud of myself that I never yelled or cussed at this EVIL home wrecker. Side note this woman is a drug addict who does not have custody of her children, they live with her parents, and she has to have supervised visitations. Which takes us back to the court hearing. I have never stood in the way of his relationship with his children and was very encouraging not only about him going but also his children coming which is going to be a huge adjustment in our family but I'm about what's best for kids. So now my head is reeling because it's at least true he had unprotected sex with her, what else did she say that was true. Anyway he lands and sees the whole thing and begins calling me frantically begging me to please come get him so we can at least talk. Meanwhile I'm crying and my kids are wondering what's up. Our kids by the way ADORE him, something I encourage easily because ultimately he is an amazing man. So of course I go get him, I need answers. He doesn't deny having sex with her but insists he didn't even complete the act because he knew it was wrong. He proceeds to beg forgiveness, promising to do whatever it takes. I ask him to call her on speaker and tell her what he's telling me so we're all on same page; she hangs up and he hasn't been able to talk to kids since. He says the reason he had sex with her was to keep her more open about allowing kids to come with him. I call BS but the bottom line is I love him. Our kids LOVE him. He is NOT a cheater, I know this. But I'm beyond hurt. I told him no sex until I know he didn't catch anything but I've already had sex with him twice (condoms) and for some reason I have the urge to have sex SO bad; I want to again. I'm so confused because he's so apologetic and says he made a terrible mistake and it's barely been a week and it's like I've already forgiven him... AM I SO stupid? Should I make him suffer more... make myself and my children suffer more... is the sex some weird by product of my emotions? Input/Opinions PS. My kids and I did go on an AMAZING first class 3 day vacation right after he got home so there was a little separation and a lot of thinking and talking and apologizing... okay whew

[HeartGoesOn]

He says the reason he had sex with her was to keep her more open about allowing kids to come with him.

 

Yes, he is a cheater, and it wasn't a mistake, it was a conscious choice. His excuse (above) is pathetic, and should be an insult to your intelligence. Obviously he had an opportunity, and rather than thinking of where his loyalty lies, he ran with it.

 

In any event it's your call, but can you honestly trust him in the long term? Easier said than done, yet you need to choose wisely.

[Confounded1]

Yes, he is a cheater, and it wasn't a mistake, it was a conscious choice. His excuse (above) is pathetic, and should be an insult to your intelligence. Obviously he had an opportunity, and rather than thinking of where his loyalty lies, he ran with it.

 

In any event it's your call, but can you honestly trust him in the long term? Easier said than done, yet you need to choose wisely.

 

Thank you for your input... you're right, there is nothing easy about it. But the reason I say he's not a cheater is because in six years this is the only thing that's happened. He goes to work every AM at 4:00 and comes home every night. He doesn't go out with friends. If he's not with me and the kids he's upstairs or in the garage. Until this I had NO reason not to trust him. He also said he had every intention of telling me. But you're right he totally messed up! We were good and he messed with that

[Hollyj]

You can't be this foolish!

 

Stop blaming her, he is the one that is destroying your relationship. You are not doing your kids any favors by staying with this creep!

 

Pick your self respect up off the floor and dump this cheating a$$hole!

[Hollyj]

Thank you for your input... you're right, there is nothing easy about it. But the reason I say he's not a cheater is because in six years this is the only thing that's happened. He goes to work every AM at 4:00 and comes home every night. He doesn't go out with friends. If he's not with me and the kids he's upstairs or in the garage. Until this I had NO reason not to trust him. He also said he had every intention of telling me. But you're right he totally messed up! We were good and he messed with that

 

Good grief! Talk about denial.

 

He would not have told you, and he is a cheater.

[Confounded1]

I do blame both of them but a home wrecking who$e is a home wrecking who$e. When I came along their relationship was long over. For her to try and persuade him to walk out on me and my kids is pure evil to me. But I thank you for your input I asked for it. Walking away isn't as easy as people seem to think... I guess I've already made up my mind...

[BeenThereB4]

Keep in mind that by staying with him, you are giving him permission to cheat. He's going to have this woman in his life. She's not going anywhere.

 

Was he ever legally married to this woman? Why didn't he use a condom?

[Cheetarah]

You don't really blame him. It's easier for you to paint her as a demonic ho instead of facing the reality that your partner is the one who promised you commitment and effed that up. While her actions are a contribution, he is ultimately the one responsible to you, your children, your relationship.

 

Persuade him? You've no idea what he said to her while he was out there. What 'promises' he made her while he was dipping his stick. Even so, he's a grown man and can't be 'persuaded'. This isn't an after school special where the little bad ass kids in the alley are trying to appeal to some 12 year old so the kid will take a hit off a joint.

 

If you want to forgive it and move on, that's your choice. But you need to see the forest for the trees and stop demonizing his ex, and realize your partner is not a saint whose biggest sin is shattering a vase. Sure you can rug sweep and paint her out as a monster, but in the long-term you're going to boil over with resentment and that will destroy your relationship.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

Lol not to mention he tries to justify it by saying he "didn't finish".

 

Oh really? Oh that's okay then!! As long as you didn't come inside her because THAT is cheating. The rest of it wasn't though?

 

You can't possibly be this naive. It's ultimatley your decision, but don't for a second think this was an accident.

 

Sorry to hear this and I can't imagine being in your shoes. Especially since there are children involved. You can lie to us but who are you trying to fool? Yourself?

[Confounded1]

Keep in mind that by staying with him, you are giving him permission to cheat. He's going to have this woman in his life. She's not going anywhere.

 

Was he ever legally married to this woman? Why didn't he use a condom?

 

He never married her. She lives in another state which is a four-five hour plane ride to get to. So I don't think he'll continue anything. He said that by not using a condom should prove he wasn't up to anything and it wasn't planned or he would have had a condom for sure. He saw me on here and continues to say he knows he messed up but to please judge him on the man I know him to be and not on this mistake (terrible, horrible mistake his words). Even his nieces are telling me what a good man he is (he helped raise) and that in their whole lives they've never seen him cheat in a relationship and how much he loves me and that me and the other woman are so different that you can't even say a red and green apple it's like comparing apples and oranges. My oldest is three and heard us and said to me "Daddy made you sad and he's sorry. Don't leave Daddy! I want to go home and I want you to go home. I love my Daddy!" (I took them and left a couple of days.) She usually loves going places but this time she just kept telling me she loves her Daddy and wants to go home. We've since been a lot more careful talking but she is watching every move. (She heard him begging me to please come home and not to leave him.) Long reply wanted you to see whole picture.

[Confounded1]

Lol not to mention he tries to justify it by saying he "didn't finish".

 

Oh really? Oh that's okay then!! As long as you didn't come inside her because THAT is cheating. The rest of it wasn't though?

 

You can't possibly be this naive. It's ultimatley your decision, but don't for a second think this was an accident.

 

Sorry to hear this and I can't imagine being in your shoes. Especially since there are children involved. You can lie to us but who are you trying to fool? Yourself?

 

Maybe I am... he says the same thing not to blame her that he messed up and I should be mad at him. I am but I also love him and it's not that easy to just walk away from my life. I demonize her because she knew about me and sent him texts to please make the right decision and she'll make him the happiest man alive. The right decision meaning walk out on me and my kids 3/1. Also he is not the only baby daddy that she has he's just the only one that takes care of his kids, the only one that isn't ORDERED to pay child support, he just does it. In fact her oldest son told him that he caught her doing witchcraft spells on him (my domestic partner) (her oldest even loves my domestic partner) She hates me and she pretty much let me know that. I've never even met this woman she was already in another state when we got together I never would have ever tried to come in between a family that's what makes her a demonized home wrecking you know what. I also wanted to know what promises he made to her for her to feel like she actually had a chance for him to leave. But anytime we all try to talk about it she just hangs up or doesn't answer the phone. I want to make sure no one is lying. The bottom line is I didn't do anything wrong and I'm supposed to give up MY LIFE because THEY made a mistake it just doesn't seem fair. It's a HUGE mistake and I'm not sweeping it under the rug or I probably wouldn't be on here. Maybe counseling? We've also made a commitment to start going back to church as a family. As I typed this he sent two texts asking if I was okay and called me. He says he is so sorry and please forgive him or punish him but please don't leave him.

[Confounded1]

So... I just want to say thank you all for your input. I guess I am that stupid because I am willing to forgive him. I love him and I am not willing to give up our life because of this mistake. He admits he made a mistake he knows he is wrong. I have been married twice before but these are my only children and my only father for my children; walking away from him won't just destroy our lives, it would destroy their's also they love him so very much as do I. So again thank you but I am choosing to fight for my relationship my feelings about your guys' answers pretty much solidified my decision.

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear this. This is about the worst excuse for cheating anyone's ever heard. So he can get custody?

 

As a stay at home mom with no income, no job, no insurance, no marriage it sounds like turning a blind eye is the only choice you have?

He says the reason he had sex with her was to keep her more open about allowing kids to come with him. Our kids LOVE him. He is NOT a cheater.

[Confounded1]

Wow sorry to hear this. This is about the worst excuse for cheating anyone's ever heard. So he can get custody?

 

As a stay at home mom with no income, no job, no insurance, no marriage it sounds like turning a blind eye is the only choice you have?

 

Is forgiveness a blind eye? For the record I have a Masters degree and I'm currently working on my doctorate... I'll be okay financially if I leave. I get job offers every day. And I would make him keep the kids on his insurance and me getting insurance would not be a problem. It is my emotions that I am concerned about do I give up the love of my life because he made a mistake? The answer is no... that would be like punishing myself for what he did. Again thank you for your input.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

No absolutely not. Honestly I think forgiveness is disregarded these days....it's just that people don't like being CHEATED on.

 

It's your decision. I can understand why you wouldn't want to throw everything away, do you know for a fact he won't do it again?

Cheaters ALWAYS cheat. And when they know they got away with it (he obvioulsy knows you won't leave) they just do it again. There are SEVERAL and I can imagine even hundreds of posts on this forum where people are I your shoes.

 

I would recommend at least reading some and get some tools to work with.

 

I personally wouldn't believe someone for a second. Cheaters know what they are doing. Always. And the guilt always comes when they get caught....NEVER right before the act.

 

Another thing I'm confused about, you said you want sex all the time now? After you found out? Or was that just in general before all of this?

[Seraphim]

He won't " get custody " by having sex with the person who in the first place doesn't have physical custody. That idea is ludicrous . Custody is decided by a court not who you have sex with.

[Confounded1]

No absolutely not. Honestly I think forgiveness is disregarded these days....it's just that people don't like being CHEATED on.

 

It's your decision. I can understand why you wouldn't want to throw everything away, do you know for a fact he won't do it again?

Cheaters ALWAYS cheat. And when they know they got away with it (he obvioulsy knows you won't leave) they just do it again. There are SEVERAL and I can imagine even hundreds of posts on this forum where people are I your shoes.

 

I would recommend at least reading some and get some tools to work with.

 

I personally wouldn't believe someone for a second. Cheaters know what they are doing. Always. And the guilt always comes when they get caught....NEVER right before the act.

 

Another thing I'm confused about, you said you want sex all the time now? After you found out? Or was that just in general before all of this?

 

As for the feelings of wanting sex it was before I found out but hasn't gone away as I thought it would; it's almost worse. Like an itch that has to be scratched... And I know you think I'm completely blind to the truth but he says he never had any intentions of lying to me about it and I do believe him. I could see if this was an ongoing affair but it was it wasn't.

[Hollyj]

I do blame both of them but a home wrecking who$e is a home wrecking who$e. When I came along their relationship was long over. For her to try and persuade him to walk out on me and my kids is pure evil to me. But I thank you for your input I asked for it. Walking away isn't as easy as people seem to think... I guess I've already made up my mind...

 

He is worse than she is, as you are the relationship with him, not her!

[Cheetarah]

My oldest is three and heard us and said to me "Daddy made you sad and he's sorry. Don't leave Daddy! I want to go home and I want you to go home. I love my Daddy!" (I took them and left a couple of days.) She usually loves going places but this time she just kept telling me she loves her Daddy and wants to go home. We've since been a lot more careful talking but she is watching every move. (She heard him begging me to please come home and not to leave him.) Long reply wanted you to see whole picture.

 

Well, she's 3. What was she to say, he's a cheater! Dump him! I am not sure what you are getting at mentioning it. She saw Mommy upset, Mommy staying over for a few days somewhere else, and overhearing anger/crying/scary words. And being afraid that she won't get to see her father anymore.

 

You see already the havoc it is starting to wreak in a little one's mind? That's on YOUR partner. And well, also she shouldn't have heard any of that, and I am glad you are being more careful..But I digress.

 

This is why you must really take the time to think and reflect. It's been a week and you say you feel you've forgiven it, but if that were the case, you wouldn't be here feeling a little conflicted. If you are both committed to working out your marriage, then you both need to be on board to do what it takes to...for the lack of a better phrase, 'fix this'. Yeah he's going to cry and stuff right now, make his promises and be scared out of his mind you'll take the kids and go, etc. But what is he going to be like in a month, 2, 6 from now? He knows he got to get away with it at least once that you know of. And he'll remember that if he's only blabbing stuff out of fear right now.

 

With that being said, I am not saying you should punish him. But what I am saying, is he needs to be the one to demonstrate he can earn your trust again. He needs to be the one to take these initiatives, whatever they may be. Watch him. See how true he stays to his words. If you accept anything less than true accountability then you will become a doormat.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

As for the feelings of wanting sex it was before I found out but hasn't gone away as I thought it would; it's almost worse. Like an itch that has to be scratched... And I know you think I'm completely blind to the truth but he says he never had any intentions of lying to me about it and I do believe him. I could see if this was an ongoing affair but it was it wasn't.

 

Ugh that is rough. It almost makes him worse because he tries using honesty to cheat. As long as you tell the person it makes it okay? His logic is so far off its ridiculous. Just try not to fall for the garbage excuses.

 

I know a hundred percent what you're going through. I dated one girl years ago with two awesome kids. Both called me daddy. They were 2 and 3. Her and I were toxic. She was a terrible person in general and extremely stubborn. I knew after a year I didn't want to be with her but I just couldn't leave the kids.

Needless to say we became more and more toxic and I stopped having sex with her completely. I slept on the couch. We were roommates basically.

When I finally couldnt do it anymore I just left. It was a break up with the kids and that took me awhile to get over.

 

It wasn't the same as your situation but I feel you on your motives. Do you see it getting any better as far as him being loyal or stopping contact with his ex?

[Confounded1]

Well, she's 3. What was she to say, he's a cheater! Dump him! I am not sure what you are getting at mentioning it. She saw Mommy upset, Mommy staying over for a few days somewhere else, and overhearing anger/crying/scary words. And being afraid that she won't get to see her father anymore.

 

You see already the havoc it is starting to wreak in a little one's mind? That's on YOUR partner. And well, also she shouldn't have heard any of that, and I am glad you are being more careful..But I digress.

 

This is why you must really take the time to think and reflect. It's been a week and you say you feel you've forgiven it, but if that were the case, you wouldn't be here feeling a little conflicted. If you are both committed to working out your marriage, then you both need to be on board to do what it takes to...for the lack of a better phrase, 'fix this'. Yeah he's going to cry and stuff right now, make his promises and be scared out of his mind you'll take the kids and go, etc. But what is he going to be like in a month, 2, 6 from now? He knows he got to get away with it at least once that you know of. And he'll remember that if he's only blabbing stuff out of fear right now.

 

With that being said, I am not saying you should punish him. But what I am saying, is he needs to be the one to demonstrate he can earn your trust again. He needs to be the one to take these initiatives, whatever they may be. Watch him. See how true he stays to his words. If you accept anything less than true accountability then you will become a doormat.

 

So right and why I'm actually about to delete this app... needed to talk it out and didn't have anyone to do that with... I've had my reflection and I've made up my mind to work on my relationship. I love him and I'll forgive him; I'm not a doormat; I am a very selfish person who is unwilling to give up her life because I didn't do anything wrong.

[Confounded1]

Ugh that is rough. It almost makes him worse because he tries using honesty to cheat. As long as you tell the person it makes it okay? His logic is so far off its ridiculous. Just try not to fall for the garbage excuses.

 

I know a hundred percent what you're going through. I dated one girl years ago with two awesome kids. Both called me daddy. They were 2 and 3. Her and I were toxic. She was a terrible person in general and extremely stubborn. I knew after a year I didn't want to be with her but I just couldn't leave the kids.

Needless to say we became more and more toxic and I stopped having sex with her completely. I slept on the couch. We were roommates basically.

When I finally couldnt do it anymore I just left. It was a break up with the kids and that took me awhile to get over.

 

It wasn't the same as your situation but I feel you on your motives. Do you see it getting any better as far as him being loyal or stopping contact with his ex?

 

I do see it getting better he's willing to do whatever it takes and interestingly enough this whole morning he's been texting me from work about how he's so sorry that he did this to us... and he takes full responsibility he puts no blame on her... I really do love him though... and I am relieved that he is sorry and shows remorse rather than defensive trying to come up with excuses... he realizes that his reasons are not an excuse

[Hollyj]

That's it!

 

I think that most cheaters would behave the way he is behaving now.

 

I wish you luck, because you are showing him that he can basically do anything and get away with it. There has been no consequence for his actions.

[Wiseman2]

Forgive his cheating? That's up to you, but first you claimed "he's not a cheater"? As long as you are staying because you want to not because you have to, it's all good.

Is forgiveness a blind eye? It is my emotions that I am concerned about do I give up the love of my life because he made a mistake?