Too Unattractive for Love?

[fatamazon]

So I've been dating this guy for a little more than a year now and we live together. Things were okay for a while but shortly after moving in our sex life got weird and uncomfortable. Now whenever we... you know... it's always me doing for him and he never does anything for me in return. I've tried to give pointers and stuff but he either gets offended or ignores me or forgets and gets frustrated that I'm constantly reminding him. I'm almost always on top, which please excuse me for being so... graphic, but he's never willing to do anything actively. Always says he's too tired but still wants sex. I have a high libido and want to feel desired and desirable but lately things have been particularly bad and we hit an awkward wall where things were one sided again and I was frustrated. He apologized and said he wanted to be fair but didn't want to do anything and so after some talking I found out he basically finds me too fat and ugly. I'm very tall and am plus size but I never thought I was too ugly. I walk around the house in pajama shorts and short sleeve shirts which took me a long time to feel comfortable in. I'm not huge, but I'm size 18 and 6 feet tall. So please can I have some advice? He's not attracted to me and my feelings are hurt and he's worried I'm going to leave him and his feelings are hurt. Is our relationship hopeless? Am I too fat and ugly to be loved? I never thought that was a thing, I always refused to accept or believe any negative things like being too ugly but he hates it when I wear makeup, thinks I'm too fat, and not attractive enough. But he's overweight too. I'm hurt and confused. He thought I was pretty when we started dating and I have gained some weight since we started dating but not much. I have a gym membership and am trying to get healthy and in shape but that's just not enough....

[mustlovedogs]

You are NOT too unattractive for love! I promise you, you deserve better than this. He's worried about you hurting HIS feelings?! Who is he kidding? I say you leave. A relationship should NEVER make you feel bad about yourself.

[Capricorn3]

so after some talking I found out he basically finds me too fat and ugly. He's not attracted to me , thinks I'm too fat, and not attractive enough. ..

Did he actually say this to you?

[SherrySher]

He literally used the words.."you're too fat and ugly?!" If he said those words directly to you, you need to get some self respect and leave. That is emotional and verbal abuse, never mind the fact that he's being a complete jerk in the bedroom. The only one who tells you your value...is YOU. Don't allow people to treat you this way or speak to you this way. If he treats you like this, there is no getting better from him. Leave, and don't look back.

[melancholy123]

I'd leave him. I too am larger than the average woman but do not consider myself fat and ugly and I hope you dont start thinking of yourself that way. How dare he say that to you! Then you say he's overweight, so who is he to talk?

[fatamazon]

He talked around it and when I asked him directly he sat in silence for a while and I asked a little bit later and he said that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and he was overweight too. He avoided talking about my appearance but I feel like he does find me unattractive and "ugly" based on other conversations we've had before where my appearance was the subject of mockery. He has never come out and said ugly, only little cracks here and there and jokes. Most of it is centered around my weight but he comments a lot on when I do or don't wear makeup on various flaws. He'll sometimes say something snarky or kind of mean and then says it's cute that my lips are so big, or my hips are wide or my eyes are small but always after saying or doing something that makes me feel like crap first. I know he doesn't want to hurt my feelings (judging by what he said) but he's not seeming to be willing to meet me half way. Maybe I'm just upset and seeing things the wrong way though.

 

But it feels wrong that he gets all of the good aspects of being in a relationship and I draw the short straw on everything. He's handsy and selfish sometimes but I could never do the same to him. Both because I find the behaviour appalling and because I love him. But if I try to find even ground and ask for what I want or whatever he disrespects it and ignores me or "half-arses" it. Or at least I feel he does.

[Ms Darcy]

I would suggest you leave him if for no other reason than he's obviously not attracted to you and your libido is mismatched.

 

If, after you leave him, you take a good honest look at yourself and assess that you need to become healthier, then definitely do so.

[RainyCoast]

he is a joke.

 

while one may choose to decide some people of some shapes/features are not attractive enough for them...what that means is that they get to choose to not date and sleep with such people.

 

to choose to date you, live with you, have sex with you (or, well, recieve it) and then comment your appearance as unsatisfying takes nerve.

 

btw not that it would justify debasing remarks even if you were a whale...but the conversion chart says you're a european 48 at 1.83 meters. which sounds largeish, but not fat or unattractive. the majority of women i see on trips to finland is about that size, and they're all smoking hot amazons. (and every male friend or coworker that's ever roamed helsinki with me found them damn attractive)

 

he sounds like an a$$. i don't want to throw the word abusive around... but i've observed this behavior in bullies.. "nice lipstick, deflects the attention from your squinty eyes... the cut of that jacket looks great on you, it covers all the problem areas"...yeah...

 

i think everyone knows the type of remarks about appearance ppl find hurtful. and absolutely everyone can avoid making them. if they want to.

 

i would dump him. not usually one for vengeful behavior, but i might be inclined to dump him for "reasons" that contain the words "it's a lot tinier than i'm used to...the technique just isn't there....find myself fantasizing about...endowed men" added with " i require a lot of intellectually stimulating conversation and i don't feel like i should push you beyond your limits...sexually and cognitively...i think it unfair to keep you from someone who...doesn't think"

 

okay, not. take the high road of "we're just a bad fit".

[pippy longstocking]

My advice .....grab him by his nuts and walk him to the door , then boot him as hard as you can ...out !!

 

Don't now be thinking no one will love you and you have to put up with this because no one else will ever want you ...that is how emotional abuse leaves you feeling ...so don't do it to yourself ...stand up for yourself respect yourself and own who you are .....get rid of this @ss

[Sportster2005]

You're just not a good match. I think your relationship is hopeless, and it should be. His behavior borders on abusive.

 

I applaud your efforts in the gym. But let me be crystal clear and firm. Do it for you, not him, or anyone else. Getting in shape is a positive life changing event. But if you're doing it for someone else, or for the wrong reasons you will likely fail. Do it out of a sense of love, and wanting to look after yourself, and wanting to be the best you, you can be. Do it completely selfishly.

[Zaphod]

but i've observed this behavior in bullies.. "nice lipstick, deflects the attention from your squinty eyes... the cut of that jacket looks great on you, it covers all the problem areas"...yeah...

 

That's "negging" - it's what blokes without any game do because they read it in some pick up artist book from the 1960's. Some amateur psycho babble about lowering the woman's self esteem makes her more likely to sleep with you. Whereas probably the opposite is true, ironically.

 

My advice .....grab him by his nuts and walk him to the door , then boot him as hard as you can ...out !!

 

Or you could combine these and simply boot him in the nuts. Followed by a sharp right cross to the chin.

[RainyCoast]

Some amateur psycho babble about lowering the woman's self esteem makes her more likely to sleep with you. Whereas probably the opposite is true, ironically.

yes, that's what i envisioned exactly. the "get her to hate herself enough to stay with me" is (apart from being an incredibly ironic statement of their thus self-proclaimed low quality) what makes me consider this bullying/abusive. i've seen women do it too, to their "friends" whom they feel like they have to compete with and are jealous of.

 

the theme here being it's intended to make her feel like crap about herself.

 

OP sounds you are starting to believe him, so loose him sooner than he undoes the realistic and healthy self-image you had before him.

[Zaphod]

i've seen women do it too, to their "friends" whom they feel like they have to compete with and are jealous of.

 

Oh reeeeeeeeally?

 

Now that's an interesting insight, indeed.

[RainyCoast]

Oh reeeeeeeeally?

 

Now that's an interesting insight, indeed.

 

lol?? frequently?!

 

it's "well-intended", and "they're just trying to help her"

[Zaphod]

lol?? frequently?!

 

it's "well-intended", and "they're just trying to help her"

 

The intricate workings of groups of women together. Fascinating!

[Ms Darcy]

The intricate workings of groups of women together. Fascinating!

 

Not all women!

[Talblkman]

It really sounds like you love this guy. And you are hoping he's going to eventually love you the way he first did when you two met. I feel bad for saying this, but love doesn't hurt. And your hurting, that's not love. It's more like hope.

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear this. It's unbelievable he said this to you. Why did you let him move in so quickly, what was the rush? Do you support him?

 

Wait he calls you fat and ugly then cries that HIS feelings are hurt and he's worried you'll leave him?

 

There is no point in begging for love and respect from someone this bizarre. You deserve someone who accepts you and loves you. He dated you all this time so why after moving in is he suddenly revealing this?

a little more than a year now and we live together. He apologized and said he wanted to be fair but didn't want to do anything and so after some talking I found out he basically finds me too fat and ugly. he's worried I'm going to leave him and his feelings are hurt.

[Zaphod]

I think "Fat and ugly" is probably realistically code for "Decided I don't fancy you" which is a far cry from "Fat and ugly". I mean there are supermodels I don't fancy, that's just a chemistry thing. In fact there's quite a lot of supermodels now I don't fancy, give 'em a few pies, someone, quick. Get some curves on'em.

 

Anyway, I digress. You're probably not actually fat and ugly. He's just decided he doesn't fancy it any more. Happens.

[KantSleep]

You deserve better. If I knew my BF found me unattractive, I would run, not walk, out the door. What an esteem killer. He may have his good qualities, but making you feel good about yourself is not one of them. He should love and cherish you, not make you feel bad. Sorry this is happening to you

[TiredOfDating]

He talked around it and when I asked him directly he sat in silence for a while and I asked a little bit later and he said that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and he was overweight too. He avoided talking about my appearance but I feel like he does find me unattractive and "ugly" based on other conversations we've had before where my appearance was the subject of mockery. He has never come out and said ugly, only little cracks here and there and jokes. Most of it is centered around my weight but he comments a lot on when I do or don't wear makeup on various flaws. He'll sometimes say something snarky or kind of mean and then says it's cute that my lips are so big, or my hips are wide or my eyes are small but always after saying or doing something that makes me feel like crap first. I know he doesn't want to hurt my feelings (judging by what he said) but he's not seeming to be willing to meet me half way. Maybe I'm just upset and seeing things the wrong way though.

 

But it feels wrong that he gets all of the good aspects of being in a relationship and I draw the short straw on everything. He's handsy and selfish sometimes but I could never do the same to him. Both because I find the behaviour appalling and because I love him. But if I try to find even ground and ask for what I want or whatever he disrespects it and ignores me or "half-arses" it. Or at least I feel he does.

 

your boyfriend is a jerk. You say you're plus sized, but it doesn't sound like you suddenly became that way. so why is he only now taking issue with your appearance? if he's always makes cracks about your looks and weight, that's basically mentally abusive.

 

I am also plus sized, and my boyfriend is NOT. I was always self conscience in the beginning, but he's slowly helped me overcome my insecurities. Not once has he EVER mentioned my size. the people we love should never make us feel bad about ourselves.

[katrina1980]

Couple of thoughts:

 

Firstly, I am familiar with negging and hate it. It just never comes out right, and the guy ends up sounding like a complete a$$.

 

I think it does "work" though on *some* women - the insecure ones, who already have a rather low level of self-esteem.

 

From what I've read (reddit and other PUA sites), the goal is to throw her a bit off balance, get her questioning how the guy feels, and chase him.

 

In some men's "eyes" (PUAs), he interprets her chasing him as 'high interest.'

 

I think it's a warped way to think and behave, and will leave it at that.

 

Secondly, OP, pls leave this relationship. It is only bringing you down and causing you to feel bad about yourself.

 

That is not what relationships should be!

 

Relationships should lift us up! Enhance our lives!

 

Believe or not, there are many men who actually love "big" women, prefer them!

 

There are many on line sites that cater to men like this.

 

Google it, and register with one of those sites. You will be barraged with messages from men who will love you *exactly how you are*!

 

If, however, your goal is to lose weight and become thin, then don't do it.

 

Cause men who become attracted to the big beautiful girl, may lose his attraction once she gets thin.

 

If the latter is the case, then break up with this bozo, and work on losing and getting in shape.

 

Always remember, you are beautiful no matter what size you are!

 

And any man or person whose words or behavior causes you to feel otherwise - one word.

 

NEXT!

 

Good luck!!!