What can you do if you're really not happy on your own?

[TimmyBoy]

A lot of the advice I see online goes as follows: you need to be happy on your own in order to be happy in a relationship.

 

The problem with this advice is that it appears to assume that this is just a choice you can make. As if you can just flick a switch and brainwash yourself into being happy on your own.

 

I have a social life and I have hobbies to fill my time. But that's all I'm doing: filling my time. It's fun for a while, but it's not the same. It's a painkiller, not a cure, and the idea that I have to just accept defeat and stick my head in the sand doesn't sit well with me.

 

What do you do?

[mustlovedogs]

You need to reframe your thinking. You can't think of being single as being defeated.

 

I'm having fun being single but I still want a relationship - being happy on your own does not mean you avoid relationships. It just means you know how to make yourself happy on your own.

[TimmyBoy]

It feels like defeat in the sense that trying to solve the problem is futile, therefore I have to just focus on other things and/or brainwash myself.

 

What sorts of things do you do to make yourself feel happy on your own? Do you not get lonely?

[mustlovedogs]

Yeah I get lonely but everyone does. You're banking on a relationship solving all your problems which it won't. It's not brainwashing - you just have to do things you like.

 

Do you have friends? Hobbies? Go do those things.

 

I miss cuddling with a SO or having a best friend around, BUT by not being in a relationship I can flirt whenever I want, go eat whatever I want without worrying about someone else's opinion, watch that embarrassing tv show my ex hated, go travel without coordinating schedules, avoid dealing with a second family at the holidays... those are all good things about being single.

[TimmyBoy]

I know being in a relationship will solve this problem because, when I had relationships in the past, I felt so much better and didn't feel lonely anymore.

 

I have hobbies and friends but it's not the same.

 

I get that there are minor advantages to being single such as those you mention, but on balance it's nowhere near as good as being in a relationship. People wouldn't get married otherwise.

[mustlovedogs]

Ok. My point is not saying that being single is better. But you have to be happy on your own. You have to know how to make life work for YOU. Otherwise, what could you possibly offer to another person? If you don't like being on your own, why would anyone like being with you?

[TimmyBoy]

Sorry but I don't really understand that question. It seems like a non-sequitur.

[Lucha]

Double post sorry

[Lucha]

The saying that you need to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else doesn't imply love will only come to you when you are happy on your own. You should interprete it more like getting into a rs with someone isn't the end all be all. If you are not happy on your own chances are you will not be or stay happy in the rs.

 

That said, I think it is just a cliche phrase we like to tell people that are looking to get in rs to soothe ourselves that IF you do that, a rs will surely follow. The truth is there are no guarantees that you will or will not meet someone again to be in a rs with. So you'd better find other stuff to depend your happiness on besides love.

 

Imo, a lot of people aren't happy without a significant other, bc we humans are simply here to bond with other human beings. So it's not abnormal.

 

Good luck.

[TimmyBoy]

The saying that you need to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else doesn't imply love will only come to you when you are happy on your own. You should interprete it more like getting into a rs with someone isn't the end all be all. If you are not happy on your own chances are you will not be or stay happy in the rs.

 

Why is that?

 

I know I was happier when I was in a relationship.

 

That said, I think it is just a cliche phrase we like to tell people that are looking to get in rs to soothe ourselves that IF you do that, a rs will surely follow. The truth is there are no guarantees that you will or will not meet someone again to be in a rs with. So you'd better find other stuff to depend your happiness on besides love.

 

Good luck.

 

So, in the end... I do have to accept defeat?

[Iggy5129]

You can't depend on another to make you happy because then if they leave you will lose your happiness. True happiness comes from within. Nothing outside ourselves can give true happiness. What you are describing is an illusion and not true lasting happiness because when the person is gone so is your happiness.

 

If you find happiness within you will be happy with or without a partner. Like another poster said it's about a change in perspective. It's not about admitting defeat but about having your own life and personality and happiness that is not tied to someone else. That is really giving someone a lot of power over you.

[TimmyBoy]

Iggy, do you have any tips as to how I might achieve that state of affairs?

 

If I feel lonely, I feel lonely. If I know I want a girlfriend, then I know I want a girlfriend. I don't want to have to just kid myself that being alone is ok when it's not.

[Iggy5129]

I understand. Loneliness is a part of being single. But it doesn't have to mean you are completely unhappy.

 

As for finding happiness within I meditate and do yoga. It works really well. It helps you realize your never really alone and are part of a bigger picture. Finding a hobby that you can get completely absorbed in and puts you in a meditative state is really helpful. Like coloring, drawing, writing, whatever you like to do. But if you really want to start looking within and finding some deep lasting spiritual happiness there's nothing like yoga.

 

I would also suggest volunteering. Giving back is a great way to realize how fortunate you really are.

 

It's going to be hard to change the way you think, like you said it's not a switch you can flip. It takes time, practice and patience. But it's really worth it and will improve all parts of your life not just relationships.

 

I hope you are able to find some lasting happiness. I used to be a very depressed, lonely person until I found yoga. Now I'm a yoga teacher trying to share what I've found with others. Hopefully it can help you too.

[TimmyBoy]

The problem is that I already have plenty of hobbies (plus limited funds, tbh) and they are only painkillers. It's not the same.

[rosephase]

Iggy, do you have any tips as to how I might achieve that state of affairs?

 

If I feel lonely, I feel lonely. If I know I want a girlfriend, then I know I want a girlfriend. I don't want to have to just kid myself that being alone is ok when it's not.

 

Why is being alone not okay? It sounds like it's not perfect but it doesn't sound like you are in misery and agony.

 

Most people feel a drive to have a romantic partner. But finding someone you get along with won't make you happy. It might make things more fun. It might make you crazy happy for awhile... but when people are saying you need to be happy with yourself they are pointing out that after the new love chemicals wear off you'll still be who you are. And if who you are is lonely and sad then you will be lonely and sad with a partner.

 

And yes... being happy is complicated. Learning how to like your own company, how to sooth yourself, how to find joy in your day to day... that is a life time of work for most people. It isn't a switch. It's a long road with a lot of self refection and work. But it's super worth it.

[TimmyBoy]

I certainly feel miserable a lot of the time. I am seeing a therapist.

[mustlovedogs]

Timmy, why would someone want to be with you now? I'm not trying to be mean, but someone who is miserable is not attractive at all.

 

You need to find ways to be happy most of the time on your own. You have to do this for your own well-being and so someone else can see good qualities in you.

 

You need to start reframing your point of view. Stop wallowing in your own misery. Tell yourself "I'm going to do [x] today because [x] makes me happy." And when you get sad, force yourself to think about something else. Distract yourself. Watch a funny movie. Go workout. You need to TRAIN your brain to be happy again and it truly is "fake it till you make it." You cannot allow yourself to keep thinking it's hopeless because then it will be hopeless.

 

Start a journal and, everyday, write down 3 things you like about yourself and 3 things you are thankful for. And, everyday, try to do one thing that makes you happy. If you can't think of anything, go workout - endorphins are literally happy chemicals.

 

It takes time. I was miserable once and I did all this to RE TRAIN my brain to be happy.

 

So, to prove you're trying this, do not make another post about how miserable you are. Respond to my post with the 3 things you're thankful for and the 3 things you like about yourself. Don't add in any negative language. This transformation needs to start now.

[TimmyBoy]

Timmy, why would someone want to be with you now? I'm not trying to be mean, but someone who is miserable is not attractive at all.

 

You need to find ways to be happy most of the time on your own. You have to do this for your own well-being and so someone else can see good qualities in you.

 

You need to start reframing your point of view. Stop wallowing in your own misery. Tell yourself "I'm going to do [x] today because [x] makes me happy." And when you get sad, force yourself to think about something else. Distract yourself. Watch a funny movie. Go workout. You need to TRAIN your brain to be happy again and it truly is "fake it till you make it." You cannot allow yourself to keep thinking it's hopeless because then it will be hopeless.

 

Start a journal and, everyday, write down 3 things you like about yourself and 3 things you are thankful for. And, everyday, try to do one thing that makes you happy. If you can't think of anything, go workout - endorphins are literally happy chemicals.

 

It takes time. I was miserable once and I did all this to RE TRAIN my brain to be happy.

 

So, to prove you're trying this, do not make another post about how miserable you are. Respond to my post with the 3 things you're thankful for and the 3 things you like about yourself. Don't add in any negative language. This transformation needs to start now.

 

I'm sorry, I know you're trying to help, but that just doesn't work for me. I don't want to have to fake anything. I'm an intelligent adult and I believe in facts and logical analysis.

 

Why would someone want to be with me when I am miserable? Well, that's a sad indictment of their character, but putting that aside for a moment... I don't broadcast my misery to the outside world. People know me as a funny, sweet and jolly person, and this is the front that I put out to all but my closest friends and family. I also don't feel like this when I'm with a girlfriend. It's when I come home and I'm alone that it's a problem.

 

I don't *want* to merely distract myself from my problems. I want to SOLVE my problems so that I don't feel like this anymore. I already know plenty of things I like about myself and for which I am grateful. But none of that is relevant to this problem.

[mustlovedogs]

I'm sorry, I know you're trying to help, but that just doesn't work for me. I don't want to have to fake anything.

 

Why would someone want to be with me when I am miserable? Well, that's a sad indictment of their character, but putting that aside for a moment... I don't broadcast my misery to the outside world. People know me as a funny, sweet and jolly person, and this is the front that I put out to all but my closest friends and family. I also don't feel like this when I'm with a girlfriend. It's when I come home and I'm alone that it's a problem.

 

I don't *want* to merely distract myself from my problems. I want to SOLVE my problems so that I don't feel like this anymore. I already know plenty of things I like about myself and for which I am grateful. But none of that is relevant to this problem.

 

I'm giving you a way to solve your problem. It worked for me and it's worked for many others. Why post if you don't want advice?

 

For the record - you listed 3 good things about yourself. That's a good start.

 

Try it. Try what I say. What's the worst that can happen?

 

You will not get any other advice other than what we've said.

[TimmyBoy]

I'm giving you a way to solve your problem. It worked for me and it's worked for many others. Why post if you don't want advice?

 

For the record - you listed 3 good things about yourself. That's a good start.

 

Try it. Try what I say. What's the worst that can happen?

 

You will not get any other advice other than what we've said.

 

I didn't say I didn't want advice. It's just that I am already doing things to distract myself, I already know good things about myself and I already have things I am thankful for. So effectively, I am already doing what you suggested. But like I said... distracting myself from a problem =/= solving the problem. It's just a painkiller.

[limichelle]

The real truth is, is nothing is guaranteed in life. If you don't have your own happiness to fall back on you will never enjoy living. What if you find someone and they die? Or you break up? Life changes in the blink of an eye. It doesn't mean you have to be alone just be happy in between those relationships. Loneliness sucks! I get that!

 

Just know that no matter what you need yourself to rely on for happiness.

 

Nobody should complete you, they should love you completely.

 

Lisa

[TimmyBoy]

Then I guess I'm back to the magic wand.

 

Sorry guys, I guess I'm just beyond help.

 

Thanks all.

[Ms Darcy]

I have a social life and I have hobbies to fill my time. But that's all I'm doing: filling my time. It's fun for a while, but it's not the same. It's a painkiller, not a cure, and the idea that I have to just accept defeat and stick my head in the sand doesn't sit well with me.

 

What do you do?

 

Can you clarify your question? Do you mean what does a single person do to fill his/her time?

[notalady]

If you're this unhappy with being single, even with hobbies and friends, then yes seeing a therapist is a good idea.

 

A lot of single people are actively looking for a relationship, but they are generally happy most of the time when they're single. Lonely sometimes yes, but generally happy. And they don't see being single as "defeat", that's the first time I've heard it being described that way to be honest, and it's...an interesting view.

 

It seems like you don't like your own company, you can't stand being in your own company. Otherwise you wouldn't be this miserable when you're alone. I see relationships being the painkiller (being with someone so you don't feel the pain of loneliness), not the cure. The cure is when you can be comfortable in your own company. Something to ponder.

 

At the end of the day, we'll all end up being alone one way or another (we get old, partners pass away, children leave the nest), you can't always rely on someone else (your partner) to solve your problem (loneliness).

[Batya33]

I was happy on my own - I had a fun, fulfilling life. I never pretended that being single would be ok with me long term -my goal was to be married (happily) and have a family. I never played that game of "being single is better because..." with all those reasons that suggested it's freer to be single (for me it was more restrictive to be single). I almost never felt lonely. I had a good career, friends, interesting activities and I loved my alone time/living on my own. I do not miss, and never missed, being single.