Former wife inviting former husband to adult childrens birthday parties

[Sunshine1234]

Hello - Just looking for some opinions. I'm in a situation that I'm trying to see both sides and be understanding of, but struggling.

 

History: My boyfriend of two years has been divorced for almost 10 years. He is 56 years old. He has two adult children: 24 and 22. His 22-year old daughter has a three-year old. So my BF is a grandpa to one grandchild.

 

He and his former wife have a cordial relationship, but still share some financial ties, as well as he still has some of their shared property in his house that has yet to be gone thru, divided up.

 

The former wife and adult children have planned birthday parties and invited him, their father. To her place/home. The first time was for the son's 24th birthday. I was not invited. It was a hot topic between my BF and I, because I believe as we are in a committed relationship of going on three years, I should have at least been invited. I have met and hang out with him and his adult children from time to time. I worked thru my emotions and his explanation of the kids wanted him there, to go, so he went for them, to make them happy. I understand this, but am struggling with why the celebration has to be joint, and at her house. He is 24. At this point, as they are adults, shouldn't divorced parents be having separate celebrations, birthdays? I can see graduations, weddings, funerals, BIG occasions, and two divorced parents being together in that situation. But birthdays for adult kids?

 

Recently, the former wife and daughter have planned a big birthday celebration for the granddaughter, as well as for the daughter's husband. The former wife's whole family; all her siblings, their kids (cousins), and her parents, will be there. Her whole side of the family.

 

This time, my BF spoke up and asked if OK if I was invited to come along as well. They said, yes.

 

I am thankful and grateful that he spoke up for me, but on the other hand am questioning why the former wife is inviting him to this birthday? Yes, it's for their granddaughter, but her WHOLE family will be there. I have never met any of them, or the former wife. It sounds a bit overwhelming for me. And inappropriate perhaps for me to be there?

 

I am not happy or thrilled that two grown adults in their 50's, being divorced for almost 10 years, feel they must include each other anymore. Why can't they do separate birthday parties for their adult children, and grandchild? Isn't that the appropriate behavior, healthy boundaries to have?

 

It's uncomfortable for my BF, but he will go, because he can't say "no" to his kids and says he's trying to do what's best for them, that going to these things she invites him to, are for them. I feel conflicted, because they are ADULTS! Not little kids. Isn't it time for two divorced people to live their lives 100% separately? Or am I being selfish, making it about me? I can probably get thru this party, but I have no interest in going to his former wife's house, being around her whole family, hearing them all talk about "old history", memory lane, etc. Just a difficult situation.

 

I know dating at this age is going to bring issues, this kind of baggage to deal with. I just wish their lives were lived 100% separately, and that their adult children would understand this, would not ask for their parents to do these kinds of things together. Why does a 22 year old and 24 year old still want or need their parents to celebrate their birthdays together? Isn't separately appropriate and best for everyone, including the new people in their parents' lives?

 

Advice and opinions, appreciated! Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately even though they are divorced they have children and to those children, even as adults, all those people are relatives. Her siblings and parent's are the kids aunts, uncles and grandparents.

 

It involves traditions that have to do with extended families of the kids and has nothing to do with their divorce. The adult kids did not divorce the mother's relatives.

 

Your bf and they are inviting you, so just enjoy the situation. It's not going to change and the best you can hope for is to go along and try to have fun.

He and his former wife have a cordial relationship.the former wife and daughter have planned a big birthday celebration for the granddaughter, as well as for the daughter's husband. The former wife's whole family; all her siblings, their kids (cousins), and her parents, will be there. Her whole side of the family. my BF spoke up and asked if OK if I was invited to come along as well. They said, yes.

[Fudgie]

once you have biological children, your lives are never 100% separate. He wants to be there for his children, yes, even though they are adults. I think the idea of having 2 whole separate parties JUST because their mom and dad got divorced 10 years ago is, frankly, ridiculous. If the former wife and husband can tolerate each other, why not be there for their children? I'm 27 and while my parents aren't divorced, I'd tell you that if they were divorced, I would want them to both be there for me because I love them both.

 

If your boyfriend isn't being all friendly with his ex wife, getting loads of texts/calls from her, then what is the big deal? It's a few get-togethers and parties a year. That's not emotional infidelity or even close to it.

 

Some people are just REALLY into parties/birthdays. I would not fight on this issue, if he is acting appropriately and treating you well. Also, if you don't want to go to an event, don't. You're by no means obligated.

[browser]

Its totally out of line that you are not invited to these events and occasions. You are part of his life, you belong there.

 

The appropriate approach for your boyfriend to take is that either you go or he doesn't, end of story.

 

As far as them still having shared property that has "yet to be divided up" after 10 years, that's a sign of another potential problem.

 

They maintain an unhealthy bond on more than one level, or so it seems.

[Seraphim]

I could tell you what it's like when your parents have a really acrimonious divorce and even as an adult wishing that I could have both my parents at events . I couldn't even have my dad at my reception .

 

I can tell you that picture is more ugly .

[kbbcoop77]

Does the former wife have a new boyfriend or husband?

[Seraphim]

All of your threads have been about this exact situation . Either you don't want him to interact with his adult children at their special times in life . Or you don't want him to have a cordial relationship with his ex-wife . That is really better for his kids. Why not find a partner who has no previous connections at all ?

[Doc Blaze]

Its totally out of line that you are not invited to these events and occasions. You are part of his life, you belong there.

 

The appropriate approach for your boyfriend to take is that either you go or he doesn't, end of story.

As far as them still having shared property that has "yet to be divided up" after 10 years, that's a sign of another potential problem.

 

They maintain an unhealthy bond on more than one level, or so it seems.

 

 

pretty sure thats a very immature way to approach the situation and will probably end badly.

[Hollyj]

Its totally out of line that you are not invited to these events and occasions. You are part of his life, you belong there.

 

The appropriate approach for your boyfriend to take is that either you go or he doesn't, end of story.

 

As far as them still having shared property that has "yet to be divided up" after 10 years, that's a sign of another potential problem.

 

They maintain an unhealthy bond on more than one level, or so it seems.

 

I too, think the property issue is strange.

[agent1607307371]

why the former wife is inviting him to this birthday? Yes, it's for their granddaughter, but her WHOLE family will be there.

 

C'mon, OP. That's a terrible question.

 

Isn't that the appropriate behavior, healthy boundaries to have?

No, that's a recipe for trouble and your husband to lose all contact with his kids.

 

Honestly, you remind me of my aunt who got with a married guy and asked him to give his kids up. And then after that marriage failed, got with another guy who had kids and got jealous that they were his kids.

 

If you're going out with someone who's been married and has kids, this is what you sign up to navigate. Yes, he needs to speak up for you to be included, but you need to drop these fantasies that you can cut his family out.

[Seraphim]

C'mon, OP. That's a terrible question.

 

 

No, that's a recipe for trouble and your husband to lose all contact with his kids.

 

Honestly, you remind me of my aunt who got with a married guy and asked him to give his kids up. And then after that marriage failed, got with another guy who had kids and got jealous that they were his kids.

 

If you're going out with someone who's been married and has kids, this is what you sign up to navigate. Yes, he needs to speak up for you to be included, but you need to drop these fantasies that you can cut his family out.

 

That kills me that you want him to treat his granddaughter like crap . OF COURSE ALL THE KID'S FAMILY WILL BE THERE.

 

When you have kids it is FOREVER not just 18 years. Your grandkids are forever too.

[Ms Darcy]

I know dating at this age is going to bring issues, this kind of baggage to deal with. I just wish their lives were lived 100% separately, and that their adult children would understand this, would not ask for their parents to do these kinds of things together. Why does a 22 year old and 24 year old still want or need their parents to celebrate their birthdays together? Isn't separately appropriate and best for everyone, including the new people in their parents' lives?

 

I think this is at least the third thread where you have said this exact same thing. You prioritize your needs and wants over what the kids want. That's backwards.

 

Personally, I think it's normal for children, even adult ones, to want to share big moments with their parents.

 

Why not date a man without children? You cannot seem to handle it.

[Wolfshook]

I have to say that it's actually nice they can at least make kids birthdays nice. My aunt is married to a man that is good with his ex wife and they meet up at birthdays etc and are very nice to each other. Kids shouldnt suffer because of their parents.

[Seraphim]

I have to say that it's actually nice they can at least make kids birthdays nice. My aunt is married to a man that is good with his ex wife and they meet up at birthdays etc and are very nice to each other. Kids shouldnt suffer because of their parents.

That's lovely. My mom is remarried and my step dad is wonderful. He allows me to talk about my dad with my mom at their house. He is the only grandfather my son knows. My mother is awesome to his children and grandchildren . It makes life a blessing really .

[Seraphim]

OP, did you spend any birthday after the age of 18 with your parents?

[Sunshine1234]

After over two years together, this is the first time I've been invited. Again, I've met and spent time with his kids and his granddaughter with him (my bf), but this is the first time I've been included/invited to a get together at her house, which is where all these events take place. Of course I have NO problem with him and his kids' relationship. And I'm happy I've finally been included! I am just struggling with the situation, bc it's at HER house, with all of HER family. It's just an ackward situation and I need some help to work thru my feelings! Aren't they normal to have? I have never been at this stage in a relationship before, this is my longest relationship since my own divorce, married for 20 years. And my ex and I only communicate regarding our shared adult kids health, financial issues, college, etc. Nothing personal. We don't do birthdays together! He is remarried and has a wife. They do their own celebrations with our kids, I do my own. They are not little kids. And we are divorced, living separate lives. I don't like my ex. So I don't choose to be around him. I'm not going to be "fake" or "do the right thing", just to appease my adult kids. They know I don't care for him. That is why I divorced him. Of course we are cordial, say Hello, go to graduations, other main events. But birthday parties for adult kids? I'm sorry, but just don't get that.

 

It's interesting that when she had a boyfriend in her life, these invites were very rare, their contact. Now that she no longer has a man in her life, now she's inviting exhusband to her house. When she had a birthday get together for their 24 year old son last year, her family came of course, ex husband invited, went. I was not invited. But interestingly - her live in boyfriend did not attend, wasn't there.

[Seraphim]

So everyone has to do divorce and be with their kids the way you would do it. That is what you are saying.

[Wiseman2]

Just do as you would to any other party. They are just people guests, etc.

 

Your contentious relationship with your ex is not the only way it has to be. He and his ex and their kids, extended families, etc do not have to be like yours.

I don't like my ex. So I don't choose to be around him. I'm not going to be "fake" or "do the right thing", just to appease my adult kids. They know I don't care for him.

[Sunshine1234]

No, I did not spend birthdays with my parents, who were divorced. They both remarried and lived separate lives. I spent birthdays with my father and stepmother. My biological mother and stepfather were not included. A few Christmas' here and there maybe, my graduation from HS. Both my parents moved on with their lives, had new spouses. I spent time with both couples, but rarely together. And I was fine with that. I knew my parents were divorced, didn't share life together in any way together. I spent time with them, alone. Would have been weird if we all hanging out together, because I knew they didn't like each other. That's why they divorced! I don't know, I was brought up differently. You get divorced, you go your separate ways, be friendly with ex, but you don't hang out like a "family" anymore. You are not a family anymore; it's called reality. Yeah, tough, but truthful and living in honest way in front of your kids. I'm at an age that I don't do things I'm uncomfortable with, or situations I don't feel relaxed. Not for anyone. That's not living in honest, authentic way. My kids know I don't like their father. It is what it is. That's why we divorced. I'm not going to invite him to a birthday party for my 23 year old. I do my thing with my kids and my family, my ex does his thing with the boys, on his time, with his family, including his current wife, her children. (my kids stepbrother and stepsister). Why we need to all be together for an adult birthday, when exes don't really like each other, or are uncomfortable, is questionable to me. That's all.

 

I just live my life in an 100% authentic way these days, not out to please anyone, or "do the right thing." I do what makes sense, what is healthy boundaries, what's comfortable for my kids, me, everyone. My boys would not be comfortable with both parents together for a birthday. Would seem fake and silly. But I guess everyone's situation is different, there is no "right" or "wrong", and I need to be respectful of that. What works for me, doesn't work for everyone.

[Seraphim]

So why not authentically break up so you are true to you?

[Seraphim]

And no, what is authentic to you is not a universal truth . Divorced people don't have to hate each other .

[Sunshine1234]

And yes, it's a tough situation. Here I am, an outsider-They all know each other, have so much history. Huge family, etc. Nothing I am used to. Just difficult. It's too bad no one on this board, forum, understands my feelings.

 

I just have other questions for my bf, that I need to get to the bottom of. Is the ex still asking personal favors from him? Does he still have stuff of hers in his house? Do they communicate about anything else besides health and financial stuff re: adult kids?

 

I think if I felt a bit more confident in OUR relationship, this wouldn't be such an issue.

 

I'm trying to figure out if he's only doing things honestly just for the benefit of his kids, or there are still residual feelings or pull of loyalty to her in any way, or if he still cares what she thinks of him, his choices.

 

She divorced him. He didn't want the divorce. So yeah, lots of baggage still to work thru. Understandably, but not easy by any means. And trying to figure out how he truly feels for me, if this investment in time and energy, is really worth it. He is not an expressive guy. Not easy.

[Sunshine1234]

I am not saying they have to hate each other! It's about boundaries and being respectful to new person in your life, and their feelings.

 

I am not used to divorced people doing joint birthday parties for adult children. Younger kids, sure. But everyone I know who is divorced with older teens, and up, they do that particular celebration separately. That's all I'm saying.

[Seraphim]

And yes, it's a tough situation. Here I am, an outsider-They all know each other, have so much history. Huge family, etc. Nothing I am used to. Just difficult. It's too bad no one on this board, forum, understands my feelings.

 

I just have other questions for my bf, that I need to get to the bottom of. Is the ex still asking personal favors from him? Does he still have stuff of hers in his house? Do they communicate about anything else besides health and financial stuff re: adult kids?

 

I think if I felt a bit more confident in OUR relationship, this wouldn't be such an issue.

 

I'm trying to figure out if he's only doing things honestly just for the benefit of his kids, or there are still residual feelings or pull of loyalty to her in any way, or if he still cares what she thinks of him, his choices.

 

She divorced him. He didn't want the divorce. So yeah, lots of baggage still to work thru. Understandably, but not easy by any means. And trying to figure out how he truly feels for me, if this investment in time and energy, is really worth it. He is not an expressive guy. Not easy.

 

Again you want their divorce to be like yours and your parents .

 

My brother is getting divorced but he still has birthdays for kids with his soon-to-be ex-wife whom he hates with a passion. They spend Christmas Eve at her parent's house because that's what his children would like . He doesn't want to cause his children anymore distress then like they have already suffered .

 

People just do things differently .

[Sunshine1234]

And of course children, no matter the age, want to share special moments with their parents! But why do they assume or expect that that's going to be together with both parents, if their parents are divorced? Wonder if parents aren't comfortable with each other? They aren't respectful of that, and just want their "way"? Don't parents, grown adults have a say in how they feel, what they want, what is best for them, if divorced? They are obligated to do birthdays together? For how long? Odd to me.