Being taken for granted?

[Sarah83]

Hello,

 

I'm kind of depressed at the moment. I tell my friends that I miss them and it hurts when they don't acknowledge it at all. I feel like they ignore that statement when I tell them. I never hear my friends tell me that they miss me either.

 

I feel like my kindness and big heart gets taken for granted. I'm not sure what to do about it?

 

I know I can't make people do anything, but I feel like just shutting them out of my life for the moment. Maybe if I'm not around they'll notice, who knows. It just isn't a good feeling it makes me feel like I don't matter much to them.

[gebaird]

Are you telling them you miss them just so they'll say it back to you? If you are, it may be coming across as emotionally manipulative. Instead of saying "I miss you," offer a sincere compliment. Don't be looking for constant validation from your friends.

[Sarah83]

Are you telling them you miss them just so they'll say it back to you? If you are, it may be coming across as emotionally manipulative. Instead of saying "I miss you," offer a sincere compliment. Don't be looking for constant validation from your friends.

 

No I don't just say it because I'd like it said back to me. When I do tell a friend I miss them I'm being totally genuine when I say I miss them and I truly do.

 

Some examples: I've told a few coworkers that I missed working with them and they didn't say anything back to me. I also told some friends who I haven't hung out with in a while that I missed them too and again nothing said back to me either. These people act like they didn't hear it and I know they did cause I told them right to their face.

 

It just hurts when they don't acknowledge that I've told them that. Or seem to feel the same way.

[gebaird]

It depends on your tone, of course, but people could be sensing a level of desperation and/or emotional neediness that makes them uncomfortable. The fact that non-response hurts you so much seems to validate that theory.

 

Saying "I miss you" to a friend or coworker leaves you vulnerable to being hurt. Such statements should be reserved only for your closest relationships. Try saying "I really enjoyed working with you" to your co-workers instead and see if you get a more positive response. With your friends, instead of saying "I miss you," just say "It's been a while since we hung out! I'd love to see you sometime!" and see how they respond. My guess is they'll be more open to the idea of getting together.

[Batya33]

What you see as "a big heart" might be a "big load of neediness" - I remember you venting to your friend in an email because you felt she wasn't there for you enough or giving you enough attention. You gained a lot of insights from that thread as I remember. Don't play the victim thing -not a good look and nothing to do with "big heart".

 

I agree instead of expressing I miss you express specific interest in getting together.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

So it doesn't matter if they legit love you or miss you so long as they say it?

Would you like to just hear it?

 

I'm sorry but you can't MAKE anyone miss you. Personally I would rather not hear anything than hear something fake.

[Hollyj]

A response from one of your friends:

 

"I'm tired of you always telling me how to be your friend. You make it seem like so much work! Plus, you do this every few weeks. None of my other friends do that. I shouldn't have to be told how to be friends with someone. You need to understand that people are not always gonna be the same way. People change. You need to accept that. Just because I don't do certain things anymore, it does Not mean I don't want to be friends with you. I don't say much when you vent about stuff anymore because I'm tired of telling you the same stuff that I've been telling you. You also know there's a new guy in my life, and I've been talking to him more. That does Not mean I'm blowing you off in any way.

 

When you sent that email, I realized that I need a break. I am IN NO WAY throwing out our friendship. I just can't deal with your emotionality right now. After all, you're the most emotional person I know. It does get on my nerves sometimes. Plus, I'm dealing with some family bull that I can't talk about (respecting my mom's wishes).

 

I'll contact you again when I'm ready. In the meantime, please do not text, message, or call me. Please don't reply to this either. I just need time."

 

I'm sorry but you are exhausting as a friend and incredibly needy. I suggest that you get some counseling to address your self esteem issues and constant need for validation. You are going to push everyone away if you continue with this behavior.

 

STOP WITH YOUR GUILT-TRIPPING!

[Sarah83]

It depends on your tone, of course, but people could be sensing a level of desperation and/or emotional neediness that makes them uncomfortable. The fact that non-response hurts you so much seems to validate that theory.

 

Saying "I miss you" to a friend or coworker leaves you vulnerable to being hurt. Such statements should be reserved only for your closest relationships. Try saying "I really enjoyed working with you" to your co-workers instead and see if you get a more positive response. With your friends, instead of saying "I miss you," just say "It's been a while since we hung out! I'd love to see you sometime!" and see how they respond. My guess is they'll be more open to the idea of getting together.

 

Thanks Gebaird, I always use a positive tone when I've expressed I missed them. I'm not being desperate or needy. I've only told the coworkers and friends twice and over a period of time between the 1st and 2nd. I never thought telling people you miss them would be a negative thing.

 

I'm just wondering how to get over feeling hurt by it? I didn't express this at all to anyone I know, just feeling depressed on the inside and trying to deal with this emotionally on my own.

 

I mean if the shoe was on the other foot. Let's say you told your coworkers or friends you missed them and they didn't say anything, wouldn't you feel a little hurt by that?

 

Maybe, I'm just being too sensitive, but honestly it is a sucky feeling.

 

Thank you, for suggesting other ways to express 'I miss you' without actually stating those exact words. That is an excellent idea. I will try those suggestions next time.

 

Since I am feeling down at the moment I'm just keeping my distance from the people I know, until I get over this feeling.

[Sarah83]

So it doesn't matter if they legit love you or miss you so long as they say it?

Would you like to just hear it?

 

I'm sorry but you can't MAKE anyone miss you. Personally I would rather not hear anything than hear something fake.

 

Not sure what you mean by fake? I'm not being fake when I tell people I miss them, I truly do. I'm not expecting it back from them. I know I can't control how they react to it.

 

I'm just hurt that it's not even acknowledged-that is where my issue is. I'd like to learn how to get over the feeling that I have, that is what I'm seeking help on here for.

 

This has nothing to do with me being needy or needing validation from these people. They don't have to tell me they miss me nor am I laying any guilt-trips on anybody. I'm trying to process this emotion internally on my own.

[Wiseman2]

Why not change the conversation? For example ask former coworkers how's the new job, or talk about the old place or something else fun or interesting, don't make it about you.

 

Suggest to friends you miss to get together soon. Upbeat interactions will have better results than those laced with longing or nostalgia.

 

In general ask friends what's new, how are you etc. then simply say we should grab a drink, dinner, coffee, whatever together soon. What's the point of merely saying 'miss you'? .

I've told a few coworkers that I missed working with them and they didn't say anything back to me. I also told some friends who I haven't hung out with in a while that I missed them too and again nothing said back to me either.

[Hollyj]

You have a pattern: I read through some of your previous threads. Until you deal with the problem (your insecurities) you will continue to feel this way.

 

Address your problem through therapy, and you may be able to understand your behaviors

[Sarah83]

You have a pattern: I read through some of your previous threads. Until you deal with the problem (your insecurities) you will continue to feel this way.

 

Address your problem through therapy, and you may be able to understand your behaviors

 

Ok Hollyj, I know we're different people obviously, but put yourself in my shoes to this post, not my past posts.

 

What would you do or how would deal with this? I'm just curious.

[Sarah83]

Why not change the conversation? For example ask former coworkers how's the new job, or talk about the old place or something else fun or interesting, don't make it about you.

 

Suggest to friends you miss to get together soon. Upbeat interactions will have better results than those laced with longing or nostalgia.

 

In general ask friends what's new, how are you etc. then simply say we should grab a drink, dinner, coffee, whatever together soon. What's the point of merely saying 'miss you'? .

 

Thank you Wiseman2 for the suggestions. Good ideas!

 

To answer your question, I say that because I do miss them. I don't see anything wrong in saying that to people. It's the truth so I tell them that.

[gebaird]

Let's say you told your coworkers or friends you missed them and they didn't say anything, wouldn't you feel a little hurt by that?

 

I would feel totally hurt by it! But it would also be a one-time event. I'd never say something vulnerable like that again after getting a non-response the first time. Instead, I'd look for other ways to gauge where I stand and strengthen the relationship. I'm all for authentically and honestly expressing emotions, but I'm very selective about when, how and with whom such things are shared.

 

I think this issue is deeper than words for you. It seems to touch on feelings of worthiness and belonging, which are things that many people struggle with. I empathize with you and am sorry for your pain. No one enjoys feeling alone or unwanted.

[Hollyj]

Ok Hollyj, I know we're different people obviously, but put yourself in my shoes to this post, not my past posts.

 

What would you do or how would deal with this? I'm just curious.

 

You are no different from your previous threads. I'm sorry, but you are the problem, here. Please address this through therapy.

 

I guess I would be a little hurt, recognize they wern't my friends, and move on. I would not put any more energy into something that is so one-sided.

[Capricorn3]

Multiple accounts not allowed. Thread closed.