Why is he so angry with me?

[inthepink]

I'm 44 working as a contractor on the railroad. He's a 48 yr old lead foreman. We met in July and he never stopped showing interest. Among other things, he would always wave from whatever he was riding in, would come and sit with me, and would watch me when I wasn't looking.

 

This one time I wore all white to the trainyard & he jumped up smiling when he saw me. I waved hello and he bowed back in front of everybody. Everyone knew about his attraction and were happy for him. People who knew him said his actions were definitely out of character.

 

He finally got my number a month ago. We kept making plans to go out when he came back to town but we both were always tied up. So last week we decided to get together when he came back this time. He came back yesterday and we agreed on today.

 

We talked last night about our plans for today and were flirting as usual. I asked if I could kiss him and he asked me to come to his hotel. I thought he was kidding but he got angry, called me a tease and said I was the one that came on to him.

 

This was a lie and it both hurt and made me angry. I told him what he was calling me was a d-teaser and that it was hurtful. He asked for forgiveness and when I jokingly said no, he blew up at me again.

 

I got off the phone at that point and thought we'd talk about it during the date. The last thing I expected was for him to stand me up without a care in the world, but that's what happened.

 

We were to have dinner after work today but he didn't call when he got off. I finally called him and his tone was cold when he answered - something that's never happened before. I asked if he was standing me up & he said that he didn't do it, that he had a conference call. He said nothing else so I told him to take care and that I'd talk to him some other time. I was so hurt that I just hung up without waiting for a reply.

 

After months of him showing so much interest, consideration and care, I was starting to fall for him. Sometimes we would just look at each other or I would catch him looking at me and I thought I saw love there. He came close to saying it one night but told me that he would say it when he was looking deep into my eyes. He asked if he could hold me when he did eventually say it.

 

I also feel it is way too early for anybody to be in love, but I did think I saw some form of it in his eyes. This, his actions and body language were telling me so and this is why I am feeling so hurt by him. The way this was unfolding was so beautiful and I can't understand why he turned so cold.

 

Even he was just after sex, wouldn't a 48 yr old lead foreman understand that he had a better chance today rather than getting upset, calling me names and lying about who came on to who like he did last night? It doesnt matter who came on to who, its the point that he lied about it that I don't understand.

 

I really don't understand any of this and could really use some insight and wisdom from this forum. I've never dated a foreman before and I don't know what to do or how to handle it other than to walk in there with my head held high tomorrow. I can't keep someone in my life who would treat me like this. Still I am hurting and am deeply confused and could really use some help through this. Can someone respond and let me know their thoughts? Thanks inthepink

[Jibralta]

He's not the man you thought he was. He's much less. It wan't you, it was him. He showed you a little attention--don't mistake that for consideration or care. It was smoke and mirrors. A beautiful unfolding but empty inside.

[inthepink]

Thank you for such a powerful response Jibralta. No he's not the man I thought he was and it does feel like he is much less. Maybe it's all the emotions I'm feeling, but he seems like a monster to me now.

 

I think it takes a horrible person to behave the way he did toward someone who has not done a thing to harm him.

 

As you said it was a beautiful unfolding but empty inside. Just as empty as he is. Thank you again Jibralta.

[MissCanuck]

My ex-boyfriend sounds a lot like this man.

 

He would fly off the handle over the smallest things, suddenly switch from loving to cold and mean. Little jokes would be totally misinterpreted and blown way out of proportion. It's not a side I would have seen had I not started dating him. I - like you - was completely baffled the first time I saw this. And it got worse. Much worse.

 

He was (and still is), for all intents and purposes, very emotionally unstable. I would bet any money that this man is the same. You are seeing an important red flag here. Heed it wisely and don't pursue him any further. Please take my word for it.

[Broomwood]

I agree with the interpretation of MissCanuck. He does appear very emotionally unstable, and it is only going to hurt you much much more if you continued with him. I too see it as a big red flag, and would stay away from interacting with him further.

[inthepink]

Thank you so much for responding MissCanuck and Broomwood and I totally agree. This is a huge red flag that I can't ignore if I want to keep my self respect and dignity.

 

I know I shouldn't have called him last night but was hoping for a chance to speak my peace bc the conversation troubled me so bad.

 

The things he said and how he said them hurt bc he said he would never disrespect me and I believed him. For almost 6 months he's been nothing but respectful, even helping me to get this job back when my contract ended the first time. I didn't ask him to do that, so to have him walk by me now as if I said or did something that was so offensive to him that he had to stop speaking to me beaks my heart all the more.

 

I went thru so many emotions at work today ranging from sadness to anger, but in the end I will never believe that I did anything to deserve to be treated that poorly by him. So I stood strong and faced him at the morning briefing and everytime I saw him today, it gave me more strength. I know he wants me to feel awful for no good reason and this makes him all the more evil to me (I'm not sure if evil is the right word, but that's what this feels like now and did when I first saw him).

 

This was before we were introduced. And after he made his attraction known to me, I asked 2 other contractors who've known him for years what they thought of him and they both said the same thing. That there was something about him that they just couldn't put their finger on.

 

This is the same feeling I got when I first saw him, but I chalked it up to him being what others would call an unattractive man. He is obese with crooked teeth and different skin tones from working in the sun.

 

Others do call him names and make fat jokes behind his back, but when I started liking him back, I began taking up for him whenever they did that around me.

 

He looked at me a few times today and I looked right back wondering if I really was looking at something evil. Again, I'm not sure if evil is the right word but it is definitely unsettling and I am determined to not let it get the best of me.

 

I found out last week that they are disbanding his crew and bringing in a different one to finish the project here. This is due to poor work performance and no other crew wants to work with them either.

 

He never knew this, but I cried when I got the news bc I wasn't ready to see him go. That's how much my feelings have grown for him.

 

I'm still not ready to see him go, but I'm getting there. I'm coming to terms with the fact that there is something very wrong there and it's evident not only in how he runs his crew but also in the way that he treated me. These are the things that go thru my mind as I look at him now and go thru this last week with them.

 

I'm unsure if my contract will renew with the new crew, but I am thankful for him renewing my old one and I'm trying to let go of the other hurt and sadness that I am feeling. Maybe once they do go, my pain will begin to ease and I am beginning to feel thankful for that too.

 

In the end, this man said and did the some of the sweetest things for me and I slowly developed strong feelings for him. Because of that, I am going to deeply miss his presence in my life.

 

But I also feel that short of me disrespecting him, if he truly cared for me then there would of been no way that he would have turned on me as he did. Do you guys think I'm right about that?

 

Thank you again for listening and helping me as I go thru this very tough situation. It is appreciated more than you know. Love inthepink

[inthepink]

I really struggled at work today. This is the 2nd time I've agreed to date a coworker and I will never ever do this again.

 

I don't like the tension, the not speaking, the trying to stay strong, to not let him see me down. This hurts so bad and is so stressful.

 

This is also triggering alot of issues that have never fully healed anyway. I'm the only child of a very emotionally and physically abusive woman whom I haven't seen in 10 years bc I am that done with her and all other abusers that are out here too.

 

I've come a looooong way in learning to love & respect myself, but every now & then something like this happens that sends me right back into some serious self-loathing.

 

So I've relasped into that same frame of mind. It's been 8 yrs since I've been in a relationship and besides a few nights w/that other coworker, I've been celibate ever since then.

 

That coworker asked me to sleep with him on my birthday & when I said no, he got extremely nasty with me too.

 

I didn't sleep with the current guy so I'm now having trouble believing that there isn't anything wrong with me.

 

Because of my childhood, I don't speak to others the way these men have spoken to me. I treat people with the respect they deserve as human beings, so I can't understand why I can't find the same. I don't understand why I can't find anyone to treat me the way I feel I deserve to be treated and not the treatment that they think I deserve.

 

I told the other coworker how I felt about his words & never spoke to him again, but this one stood me up & is now ignoring me on the job as if I'm just some piece of trash. This is what hurts the most, but I stand strong at work and then fall apart as soon as I get home.

 

I'm tired of waiting for the man for me and I'm losing hope that I'll ever find love again. Its been 8 long years of remaining hopeful and optimistic and I just don't feel that I have that in me anymore. It feels like this was the last straw for me.

 

He's leaving on Tuesday, way earlier than I expected. This also means that my job will end on Tuesday as well. I wasn't expecting any of this and feel like my whole world has been turned upside down.

 

I just feel so devastated right now and could really use any words of wisdom, encouragement or guidance thru this.

 

Thanks again for listening. inthepink

[Broomwood]

Hey Inthepink, I really feel for you, buddy. Really do. Partially because I am also the only child of a very emotionally abusive mother.

 

Look, I am really proud of you that you stay strong and say no to men like this, and can face them the day after with your head high. Even if you fall apart at home.

The infatuation that you felt with this last guy is easily explainable given your background. Just a few kind looks your way and gestures is enough for you to start feeling attraction. But this is not enough for a healthy relationship. Like this last guy, it was all smoke and mirrors in reality, like the poster above said. While your imagination made something quite big out of it. With his attitude he does not deserve you, and basta. You said that he extended your contract and that therefore he cared about you. Bullocks. He cared about himself above all else. First, because if he fancied you he wanted the object of his fancy near him. And second, if you are decent at your job, then wanted you for the kind of work you do, and not for anything else.

 

A piece of advice that I can give you. Maybe two actually. One, I mediate myself out of inappropriate infatuation. We just fall in love with the wrong people sometimes, and even if they are wrong for us, we still want them. So when it hurts like you describe, I would sit for hours with this pain inside, and just watch the thoughts that run through my mind, not trying to direct them anywhere other than where they choose to go. The answer or insight always comes, and it becomes so liberating afterwords. After you got this piece of insight, you are emotionally free and whole again. You have no more chains, and are aligned what is right and true for you. Does it make sense?

 

Another piece of advice, try to heal yourself as fully as you can. The one tape that helped me was Katherine Woodward Thomas Conscious Uncoupling. I had a very bad break up several years ago, and without it would have never managed to extricate myself from it, I felt so weak. This tape is a marvel, and her voice is so soothing and she is so compassionate, and yet very very good at what she does. If you want, email me privately about this, and think I still have a password for it somewhere. It takes some work though, like a few weeks.

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear this. It sounds like he wanted a hookup in the hotel. You should have just shut him down and gone no contact after that. All the flirting and whatnot beforehand doesn't mean love, it's just a lead up to his proposition.

 

First dates should not be hotel meets. If someone wants to date you, they will ask you out. They will also not have an attitude and try to be intimidating if you don't hookup.

I'm 44 working as a contractor on the railroad. He's a 48 yr old lead foreman. I asked if I could kiss him and he asked me to come to his hotel. I thought he was kidding but he got angry, called me a tease and said I was the one that came on to him.The last thing I expected was for him to stand me up