My boyfriend doesn't take on responsibility well

[Moon13]

Me and my boyfriend live together and everything is fine except for one thing. He is so wrapped up in his mind, it's like he's not there sometimes. We will be talking about financial stuff, or getting the xmas stuff together, ect... and he just zones out all of a sudden and opens Facebook, looks up Overwatch material, or his Ableton program and starts working on music when we are trying to handle a situation or complete a task. I often find myself cleaning everything, and he only cleans unless I ask him to. Even HIS cats litter box! I have to tell him to clean his poor cats litter.

 

I feel like I have to mother him and tell him what to do, otherwise I end up doing almost EVERYTHING. My brain is so distressed from thinking about my responsibilities and his responsibilities. He gets up for work today, and I have the day off, and I find myself waking up to his alarm, and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "babe you need to do you taxes"... because I was literally dreaming about it. It's bloody December, and he still hasn't done his taxes for 2 years. That scares me. I am extremely patient with him, and hardly get mad, as I prefer to tell him how I'm feeling. I tell myself, and know for a fact, that people don't change and this is who I'm with. The question is, is this a deal breaker? No it's not, because everything other single thing over weighs this issue. However, it is a big issue. I am not his mother, nor do I want to feel like a mother, and I definitely don't want children with him, until he's fit to keep up with his own responsibilities.

 

Sometimes I get snarky with him during the week before my time of month (which is right now), because I don't have as much patients. We went out for dinner, and we get home, and he goes straight to the computer as usual (to work on his music, which I support, and I'm happy for him to do so), but I did mutter under my breath, "yup go straight to the computer as usual, you live on that thing." And he said, "I prefer that you aren't a during my creative flow." I guess I said it, because he's constantly on there unless he is at work. Dinner doesn't happen unless I make it happen.. unless I tell him to start dinner, because I'm going to be late coming home. I just wish he would take the motivation to accomplish some responsibilities, I work full time too, and I manage to go to dance classes after work, and still make dinner. I'm a creative person do, I am an artist myself, and I fully understand his need to create music. But I'm not some home care giver who does everything for you while you sit in front of a screen working on your art. Maybe I'd like more time to work on my art...

 

I don't know what to say to him anymore to make him understand my side. He's always the harder worker apparently, because he is a carpenter (framer).. yes I know it's hard work.. but there's not excuse to not do your taxes and clean the apartment once in a while. Suggestions?

[Zaphod]

You say he's a carpenter. What's your job?

 

Also, stop running around after him doing all his stuff. There's little incentive for him to do it when you're constantly providing a safety net there for him. Let the chips fall where they may. Or the erm.... contents of his cat litter tray.

[Wiseman2]

Stop the mothering. Relax they are his taxes not yours. If he gets audited or backlash it's his problem. The more you pull these reins the more resistance there will be.

 

Worry about you not him. Nothing will kill the romance more than resenting each other because of parenting and not stepping up.

 

There's a difference between artistic and arrogant. This is arrogant 13;6711265] he said, "I prefer that you aren't a during my creative flow."

[agent1607307371]

But I'm not some home care giver who does everything for you while you sit in front of a screen working on your art. Maybe I'd like more time to work on my art...

 

Then stop doing everything for him and start putting that time towards your art. It's gross, but if he doesn't look after his cat, then his cat doesn't get looked after. Don't make his meals, don't do his laundry. Let him freak out about his taxes.

 

He's letting it fall to you because you're the woman, and to a certain extent, yes, he is expecting you to mother him. So stop it. He's letting your life get harder because it makes his easier.

[Zaphod]

Also, tell him his kick drum lacks punch in the 200hz frequency range. That'll get his attention.

[notalady]

Unfortunately this is who he is. He understands your side perfectly, he is just not willing to step up and take responsibility of his fair share in the relationship, or for his own (or his cat's) s**t .

 

I suggest you think about whether you can see yourself living like this for the next 50 years, then consider whether you should stay with someone like this, rather than trying to change him.

[Ms Darcy]

It does effect you if he doesn't clean. Stop cleaning for him and see how quickly you want to move out.

[Batya33]

It's not because he is wrapped up in his music -if it wasn't his music it would be something else. He simply makes irresponsible choices. I would move out ASAP because unless you want to be his maid at some point you also will be in trouble with the landlord for the mess/odor. And as far as taxes -fine for now but if you marry or combine finances you could be on the hook too.

[Zaphod]

I suggest you think about whether you can see yourself living like this for the next 50 years

 

50 years, Christ. Who can plan for the next 50 years?

[MissCanuck]

OP, you say this isn't a dealbreaker, but then you also said you won't have children with him unless he changes. (Understandably so!)

 

Is having children very important to you? Imagine he doesn't change and you get married, have kids. Think about what it will be like trying to parent both him and your little ones. It won't work very well. Also, his refusal to pay his taxes thus far also points to a much greater sense of irresponsibility, and poor money management. That is not good when thinking about family-planning. You need to re-evaluate your stance about his lackadaisical behaviour not being a deal-breaker. I don't see how a future will be very viable given the current state of affairs.

[catfeeder]

The more responsibility we take for someone else, the less they'll take for themselves. Playing parent to an adult is not only the most unsexy thing you can do, it's also the most destructive to your relationship.

 

I'd quit that and let BF decide when he wants to do his own stuff. If that means you'll clean the whole home, consider that if you were living alone you'd need to do it all yourself or hire a service anyway. If his stuff gets in your way, throw it in a box in his closet. Don't do his laundry, and if meal prep and cleanup are an issue, just do your own and let his fend for himself.

 

Go on strike, and see if it he picks it up a notch. If not, then you'll figure out what you'll want to do going forward. Dating him from separate homes is an option, or, ditch him and meet someone who's more on the ball.