Moving in with someone before even dating

[Jacob Jacobi]

Hi, need some advice outside of my own head. On my phone so will keep it blunt and short, grateful for any good advice.

 

I'm in my thirties and single, I've been friends with a girl since uni (15 years on and off friendship). We always get on but can both be a bit socially awkward so neither has made the right move to make something happen between us. Anyway, last month she got in touch after a while (we fell out over something silly) and is in a 6 year relationship with a guy, living with him, however she's unhappy.

 

So we chat more and she tells me she loves me, I tell her the same and they I've always loved her which is true I suppose even though we're kind of awkward around each other. I wonder if it's infatuation, I just don't know, anyway, she's in a situation where she has no money or options and has to live with this guy but wants a relationship with me but the catch is I have to move her in with me !

 

As you can imagine I am cautious about basically skipping the whole dating part and diving into moving in. When I express these doubts with her she basically tells me that we're not getting younger and we should start a future, she's even mentioned kids. So this is moving at 1000 miles per hour and I'm constantly slamming on the brakes.

 

But on the other hand i don't want to live without her and I feel I could lose her for good to this guy, maybe she'll get pregnant or married I don't know, she's 32 so probably ready but obviously not sure if it's him she wants forever.

 

What shall I do? I have my own flat but I'm scared. I may love her but it's all unproven. We've hooked up once in the past and I don't know if we'll gel.

[abitbroken]

Do not rescue her! This is what she is asking for - she is asking for you to swoop down and take her in - to protect her from this guy but mostly to prevent her from making an actual decision on her own. If you truly want to date her - she needs to break off the relationship and move in with family or to her own place and not act like a child who needs rescuing. She is totally using you, dude. She'll move in with you - and not be over her ex and will keep promising you a relationship that will never be. Tell her that if she doesn't like the relationship she is in - she needs to end it and find a place of her own or live with a girlfriend and when she is over her ex and healed that you will consider dating her to see if something is still there after all this time. You will not help someone cheat and you will not move someone in with you who is not a male roommate or is not your fiancee.

[abitbroken]

I tell her the same and they I've always loved her which is true I suppose even though we're kind of awkward around each other.

 

You guys are awkward around eachother - how are you going to have a romantic relationship with someone you can't really talk to? And "its true I SUPPOSE?" to want to commit to a woman, you should be absolutely sure. this is not an arranged marriage where you both commit and choose to marry and love eachother. This is a rescue me from making an adult decision situation. If she ends up marrying someone else and having a baby - it will be what it will be. You can't move her in just to not lose her in your life.

 

btw, if she hightails it away from an ex who she lives with - you don't think he'll be calling/coming over to try to win her back? Or perhaps collect her half of the bills that she abruptly left him high and dry with?

[JaggerJim]

Ummmm no. She's just using you for a place to live.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear about this dilemma but your fears are well founded.

 

At this point you don't know if she'll tell you anything just to get out of her situation and find a roof and someone else who'll support her.

 

Another red flag is that she's cheating on the guy with you to line up the next free crash pad. Does she drink or use drugs? Maybe he's kicking her out? Why the sudden contact and ILYs?

 

Unfortunately this catch that "she has to live with me" sounds more like a scam than love. Why doesn't she work or go live with friends or relatives. That tells you something.

 

Have you met up in person recently? To be honest so much has changed you really don't know her anymore.

last month she got in touch and is in a 6 year relationship with a guy, living with him, however she's unhappy.

she's in a situation where she has no money or options and has to live with this guy but wants a relationship with me but the catch is I have to move her in with me !

[itsallgrand]

What an insult to you. What do you love about her exactly? You should be running as fast away from this clown as you can. She comes offering nothing except maybe a vague suggestion of sex - she has no money, she's in a relationship, she has no place of her own to live, she has no prospects.

 

Maybe it's time to just let go for good of your hopes for this person. You haven't even dated her and she's shown you so much about who she is.

[Capricorn3]

Bad, bad idea. ' Nuff said.

[j.man]

Dude.........

[notalady]

Add my vote to the "absolutely freaking bad idea" pool.

 

Do you really need us to tell you why it's a bad idea? I think you already know, otherwise you wouldn't have so much hesitation and constantly pumping the brakes.

 

So many red flags flying, itsallgrand has pointed out some of them.

 

Just because you know someone for a long time, on and off, doesn't mean you know anything about them in the dating context, you still have to treat it like someone you need to get to know in the dating context. Go out on dates, let things slowly progress, or die off, which is a real possibility because you've always been awkward around each other, it's very likely that after some dates, you realise you really are not a good match.

 

What you're really hooked on is a fantasy of who you think she is, of how you think things could be between you, of what it's like to live with this person you've always infatuated about (and yes it is absolutely infatuation, not love) and you're picturing this fantasy happily ever after and that she's "the one". Tell me I'm wrong.

 

Think about how you would feel if she was dating you and living with you, a year or two later, she's not happy, but instead of breaking up, she talks to other guys and try to move in to their place.

 

To me she just wants someone to rescue her from her own unhappiness (which she needs to be the one to change, no one else can), someone to provide roof and have a baby with, literally anyone can be plugged into this "rescuer", "baby daddy" role, you were just conveniently there and available (sorry to burst your fantasy bubble).

 

Honestly this woman has A LOT of issues. Just don't go there.

[Jacob Jacobi]

Yeah I think I knew all this, just had to hear it from others. I just hope I'm not being totally played, I think she genuinely has wanted me for years but I've been reluctant for years because I just know the drama that follows this girl. Red flags all over the place. I guess I wished she'd changed. Ah well, Ce la vie.

[Wiseman2]

Good insight. Yeah don't be this guy

I just know the drama that follows this girl. Red flags all over the place.

]

[notalady]

I just know the drama that follows this girl. Red flags all over the place. I guess I wished she'd changed.

 

If you already knew this, then all the more reason to stay far far away. People like that don't change.

 

I don't know what your obsession with her is if you already knew this is who she is.

 

Drama doesn't follow anyone who doesn't invite (and secretly love) drama.

[abitbroken]

Yeah I think I knew all this, just had to hear it from others. I just hope I'm not being totally played, I think she genuinely has wanted me for years but I've been reluctant for years because I just know the drama that follows this girl. Red flags all over the place. I guess I wished she'd changed. Ah well, Ce la vie.

 

Okay - so your gut is a good one. I would be very firm that you are not going to help her cheat on her boyfriend and that she is not to contact you again about the matter.

[Jacob Jacobi]

Look, I don't think she's a bad girl, I just think she's looking for a place to call home and it isn't with this guy but she can't get away, she's trapped, financially. And she doesn't really have family. So I don't want to cut ties all together, she's still a friend. But you're right, she needs to walk her own path as I mine.

[abitbroken]

Look, I don't think she's a bad girl, I just think she's looking for a place to call home and it isn't with this guy but she can't get away, she's trapped, financially. And she doesn't really have family. So I don't want to cut ties all together, she's still a friend. But you're right, she needs to walk her own path as I mine.

 

You need to set a boundary and cut ties for now, though. If she calls you and says how she loves you, wants you - then you have to hang up. That is a codependent statement - that you need to put yourself through her games just because she doesn't have a family. A family is what you make. If she has no other friends, that's on her. If she truly was being abused, she can go to a women's shelter. There is a difference between someone sponging off another person and financial abuse where someone takes someone's car, locks them in so they can't work, takes their money, etc. So financial dependence doesn't always mean financial abuse.

[katrina1980]

 

So we chat more and she tells me she loves me, I tell her the same and they I've always loved her which is true I suppose even though we're kind of awkward around each other. I wonder if it's infatuation, I just don't know, anyway, she's in a situation where she has no money or options and has to live with this guy but wants a relationship with me but the catch is I have to move her in with me !

 

 

So she will only be your 'friend' (under the guise of "saying" she wants a RL which is a lie - same as telling you she loves you is a lie) but ONLY if you allow her to move in with you and support her.

 

Sorry but she is NO friend. A friend would never give you that type of ultimatum, let alone someone who claims to "love" you. Never ever. "I will only have a "relationship" with you IF you let me move in and support me."

 

What kind of BS is that anyway, I cannot believe you are falling for that manipulative garbage.

 

This goes way beyond her being a drama queen, she is using you in the worst way imaginable, but you are in too deep to recognize that (denial), so you convince yourself that she's your "friend," move her in and everything will be hunky dory.

 

I don't mean to offend, and apologies if this sounds harsh, but dude if you do this, you are right up there with the biggest fools who ever walked the face of the planet.

[Jacob Jacobi]

Ok take it easy. I. Being very level headed about it, no need to be insulting. I appreciate the advice and moving her in will never ever happen.

[Ms Darcy]

Dude.........

 

Lol. Exactly.

[Batya33]

Look, I don't think she's a bad girl, I just think she's looking for a place to call home and it isn't with this guy but she can't get away, she's trapped, financially. And she doesn't really have family. So I don't want to cut ties all together, she's still a friend. But you're right, she needs to walk her own path as I mine.

 

She's not a "bad girl" -she's a person who is making selfish, irresponsible and bad choices.