Juicy, long vent post about the ed up relationship of two ed up teens

[KhalDrogo2399]

This has been building up for some time so excuse the rant ahead.

Also, I'm new so I don't know if these forums are supposed to be family-friendly so warning: profanity and NSFKids stuff ahead

 

So I went out with this girl a little over a month ago. She had been a crush of mine for pretty long but because we were in very different social circles, different school (we are both 17 now) and only met occasionally it was only surface and I didn't really do anything about it until probably two months ago when she messaged me out of the blue and was very warm and we started talking. Long story short, we talk a lot via facebook and about a month ago I ask her out, she says yes, we go out and I kiss her that night. We sat in each other's hug for a while and then she had to leave, but in the following days we decided that we have lots of fun together and we should keep the thing between us going and see where it goes. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, we like spending lots of time with each other and I'm very in love with her, I feel different than any of the girls I previously had been with and all that, and she is in love too, she tells me and shows me all the time. She is also very sexually open and mature for our age and quite well-versed on the subject so we have talked a lot about sexual subjects and she has been very very clear that she wants to engage in sexual stuff with me asap. The problem is we both live with parents and siblings who aren't away often and it's super cold outside so we don't have where to go, but I find a 3-4h time interval during which my house will be totally empty one day and she comes over, fully conscious of what that implies will happen. She was on her period at the time so she only went down on me (all her own initiative, I never pushed for, asked for or even mentioned anything) but I was super nervous because we had little time left when we finally got down to business and I was looking out to hear my parents and siblings if they came back. It was taking a while and she tried, a little too hard because she started gagging at some point and almost started crying and told me she had been bulimic for 2 years until a year ago. She insisted though that she got the job done anyway but I had to help because especially after her confession it wasn't going anywhere. She told me she felt very bad that she couldn't make me feel good on her own but I assured her it wasn't her and that I would prove it when we had more ease of time in the future.

Anyway, I'm not trying to brag about anything here, I just wanted to share this anecdote because it contains two very important points:

1) I found out she was bulimic

2) Feeling bad and blaming herself afterwards was a first demonstration of self-blame which was something I later identified as a pattern in her behavior

We are both in senior high school year and shortly after the above incident she gets rejected by her first-choice uni. She says she's not that sad about it but to me it is obvious it has affected her a lot. She constantly worries about failing and is always pessimistic about everything, from expected grades in tests to our relationship (the latter I couldn't even deal with because I loved her so much and she was saying how she loves me so much but she will 100% screw up and mess the us thing up, and it broke my heart to even think about it), and especially the academic part is something she worries a lot about naturally due to all the pressure this year.

Meanwhile, especially after the thing at my place, she is quite horny whenever we are together, she grinds me all the time when we make out and one time I also went 3rd base on her (my hands were used, that should clarify what is meant by 3rd base) which prompted her to beg me to find a way to have sex soon because she wants to very much, according to her. All these interactions happened in secluded but nevertheless public places, just saying so you get the extent of her libido. I walked her to a friend of hers house a couple of times at night and on the way she dragged me to the side of the road, started making out with me, got really suggestive with the grinding and then cut it off right there, leaving me turned on like a , knowingly and saying she likes to torture me like that. Don't get her wrong, she is compassionate and loving and caring in all other aspects of our relationship up until that point, but this only makes it even more weird that she needs to have that control and feel that power over me in that situation, and I have never engaged in such a power struggle in our relationship or been manipulative.

Then, a week ago, she is going on a 5-day school trip. The trip is Thursday to Tuesday so it takes up the weekend and I won't be seeing her then, so we go out for a quick bite the day before she leaves and I meet her mother too for the first time and everything seems great. Then, during the trip she initially seems fine; she calls me everyday because she misses my voice, she constantly sends me photos of everything there etc etc. Then the last day she starts being super sad about how it is their last trip and she is going to miss these people next year when she leaves for uni. The night they get back, a Tuesday, they all go out together again because the next day they have an off day from school because of the trip. Like the rest of the nights of the week, I am staying up doing uni applications and at around 3am she messages me, drunk, saying she is sorry and she doesn't know what she wants, that she loves me like hell and that she is super scared she will do something stupid like always and ruin our relationship, that she doesn't deserve me. I'm more or less speechless and too tired to have a conversation and halfway through me asking what the she means by all this and her trying to explain she probably falls asleep and doesn't answer until the next day. The next day, when she finally wakes up, she tells me she was so sad the night before that she relapsed and purged again. She is ashamed about it and I try to tell her I will support her through it but she is absolutely stubborn that she will deal with it on her own as she did the last time and it kind of puts our interaction in an awkward spot. I am pretty sad myself because I basically have no life these days because of the overload of schoolwork and uni applications, and this attitude of hers breaks my heart even more because it seems she is isolating and putting herself in a dead end and it hurts because I love her and empathize with her so much. I apologize for being pressy, which I was in trying to find an alternative to her dealing with it on her own, but she says she gets it and appreciates how much I care. The next day, i.e. yesterday, a childhood friend of hers comes back from uni for Christmas and she is seemingly happy again and we talk normally like nothing happened, but I don't really know if it's really like that because it was only through text. I'm guessing it wasn't because we went out today (Friday) after school and she was super hypotonic, did not show any signs of libido and generally didn't seem well. She blamed it on a cold she caught on the school trip and denied anything else is wrong. I tried to talk to her about how it's stressful for me too, this time of the year, and how I've arranged to go to therapy, in an effort not to sound condescending to her and get on her level when I try to encourage her to go to therapy too. But she becomes instantly cold again, almost angry, distances herself (withdrew herself from my arms and refused to look at me for a while) and breaks out in tears 2-3 times, instantly surpressing them, while saying she doesn't want to talk about her thing. From my point of view, she is being defensive and close minded for no reason because I didn't even suggest talking about it, I just told her to go to therapy like I do because it will help, but again she insists she knows how to deal with it, doesn't need or want help etc. and begs me to stop talking about her issue and act like it doesn't exist. I do and we get back to normal convo, we laugh a lot and have fun with each other and then leave from the cafe we were sitting at to take her to the same friend's place where she had done the "turn you on but leave you there" thing the other times. She does it again but she isn't as into it at all, I don't get it at the time (ing hormones, I totally went under and didn't know what was happening to me once she turned me on) and I move forward in the escalation of things without her following. She isn't into it for a while but I still don't get it and finally she says she doesn't wanna do this so I realize finally and stop. I walk her to the house and leave, feeling like because I realized how pushy I was being and taking her out of her comfort zone.

Afterwards she tells me over text she wants to talk on the phone later in the night, once she finds time from her friends to discuss some stuff. I feel like so much though that I have a terrible stomach ache, so once I get home I tell her I wanna sleep because I feel sick and to tell me now whatever she wanted. She says over text that she obviously isn't well the last few days, and that she wants to spend time alone to deal with it on her own because that's how she wants to do it and it's better for us to take it slow, be more laid back with each other for a few days so that she can concentrate on schoolwork and friends. She assures me this is neither a break nor a break up, that she loves me and would never want to lose me, asks if this changes anything between us because she doesn't want it to and if I love her any less because of it. I obviously answer that no, that I can take care of myself and that she should do whatever she thinks she has to in order to take care of her own self, including as much time and space as she wants. We left it there.

My interpretation is that she is going through a crisis because of the stress of exams, grades and everything else (senior year sucks, I'm stressed as too), because of the prospect of leaving home, of the mounting responsibilities of the incoming adulthood, and the identity crisis as per career path and dreams she seems to be having (especially because she failed to get into her first choice uni). She is a troubled person, as we all are, with family issues (she doesn't even like her dad) and horrible manipulative exes, compounding on her body image issues which I assume stem from her being a ballerina (clinically found as a vulnerable group for eating disorders because of its strict body standards) and her approach and way of dealing with all this seems far from ideal (negative cognitive patterns is something we went over in Psychology class and it seems pretty relevant). I don't know what to do because she categorically refuses therapy and any form of help and I just hope she isn't consumed by her own isolation. It pains me greatly for her to be going through this and what scares me even more is that over a period of just a few days of me being unhappy because she is, I have become more stiff and distant, less empathetic, I assume as a coping mechanism to prevent myself from suffering because of my empathy and love for her.

 

This has not really been a post asking any specific questions on any of this, I just needed to blurt it out to someone (and I can't tell my buddies because she knows/will meet them and I don't want their view of her to be affected), but feel free to express any thoughts or comments. Also, sorry for the hazy timeline, writing this was emotionally charged and I just wrote it as it came to mind.

[Wiseman2]

You need to step back from the drama. Let her parents or trusted adults, teachers etc. help her with the eating disorders. You're not her therapist.

I went out with this girl a little over a month ago.we are both 17 now. I'm very in love with her. I found out she was bulimic.I don't know what to do because she categorically refuses therapy and any form of help

[KhalDrogo2399]

She fits right into the secretiveness of bulimics in that her parents don't even know about it. Nor of the 2 years neither of the relapse. Of the 2 years, she has only told a number of friends you can count on the fingers of one hand and I doubt anybody else but me knows about the relapse.

Also, I never tried to be her therapist. I just told her I'd be there for whatever she needed and asked to go to an actual therapist, if it wasn't clear, but I appreciate your comment because indeed it can be hard to take an objective, rational point of view when I'm too caught up in it...

[Capricorn3]

Would this happen to be your girlfriend?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Have you read this thread? It's strikingly similar to the issues you are posting

 

 

 

She fits right into the secretiveness of bulimics in that her parents don't even know about it.

[KhalDrogo2399]

Yes, I read it, definitely not my gf and the guy is definitely not me. I already told you I did encourage her to go to therapy like the girl in the post would want the guy to do, plus my gf is the opposite of the girl in how she talks to me about it, my gf always downplays it way too much like it's no big deal

 

edit: she has also never initiated conversation about it except the time she first "confessed" it to me

[Capricorn3]

Yes, I read it, definitely not my gf and the guy is definitely not me. I already told you I did encourage her to go to therapy like the girl in the post would want the guy to do, plus my gf is the opposite of the girl in how she talks to me about it, my gf always downplays it way too much like it's no big deal

 

edit: she has also never initiated conversation about it except the time she first "confessed" it to me

 

ok. Thank you.