Discarded after a years worth of abuse. Very upset.

[Yakno321]

I dated this man for over a year. Things were great in the beginning, constant texting and seeing each other and he was very flirty. About 2 months in, when I tried to initiate plans he would get all weird. Our hanging became sporadic. When I questioned him about it, he basically said it was his busy time for work (travels more than anyone i've ever known, including me) and he would have a day free soon and reach out. Anytime we'd make plans, he'd end up bailing for work related stuff. Id be disappointed like anyone would, but anything Id say after that he'd turn into an argument - call me psycho, and this is why he HATES making plans with anyone, because someone will get pissed off if he cant make it. We continued to see each other and things were well here and there.. He'd call, text - wed engage on Facebook - constant communication. Until, July. We had a HUGE fight. What started out a miscommunication turned into a full fledged blow out, with him calling me names I have never heard in ALL my years on this planet - Toxic, disgusting, crazy, psychotic. etc. Anyways, my gut didnt like that, so I immediately blocked him on Facebook and told him that I never wanted to see or speak to him EVER again. A few hours later - he text me all nice. Sending funny meme's to my phone & when I tried to explain why i didnt want to talk to him, it was ME who made him react that way toward me. But his tune changed. He begged me to talk to him again - He liked me, he was so interested in me, i was so attractive blah blah blah. Anyways, after 2 months or so of him trying, I let it go. I NEVER unblocked him from Facebook though, which he had a HUGE problem with. He is a HUGE attention seeker on that site, everything is about him, and how great and nice of a person he is. Couldnt be further from how he is in real life. My gut would not allow me to lift the block. Everything I'd say was wrong, how I felt was wrong because i was too 'sensitive' and I just cant let things go, oh and my favorite was - I should be thankful he wanted to stay in my life regardless of my shortcomings. Stupid me. I took him back again after all that. A few weeks ago, we were talking about plans and I reached out to follow up on it - and he responds that he WISHED we were facebook friends again, so that I'd know that he was dealing with depression that a friend of his killed himself. I said I was very sorry about that, and we dont have to speak right now if your so upset about recapping your life to me, because were not FB friends - He took it as passive agressive, and Cut me off. Said he was done with me, because EVERYONE was reaching out to him with love kindness and understanding and I wasnt. Turns out, the 'friend' wasnt even a friend at all - It was just someone he knew. He isnt married - Ive been to his house and I wasnt a secret. He stopped wanting to be intimate. When i initiated it, he shut me down. We were only intimate when he wanted to be, which was rare after a while. He started also looking at pictures of naked men. I know I probably made some mistakes here, No one is perfect. I dealt with some of the craziest rages, outbursts, gaslighting and silent treatments ever. And yet Still, my brain keeps thinking - What did I do wrong for him to cut me off like I'm garbage? I didnt plead for him to talk to me after his last message. He said I got what I finally wanted and that he was done with me. That wasnt what I wanted at that time, but I never responded. Is my brain wrong to think it was me?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to here this. It's hard to believe you stuck around that long but it's good you can finally cut your losses.

 

This wasn't a relationship it was a power struggle. Make sure you completely block and delete him him and go no contact, so you can regroup, reflect and heal

 

These love-hate style relationships tend to drag on because people miss the drama and intensity.

He took it as passive agressive, and Cut me off. Said he was done with me, because EVERYONE was reaching out to him with love kindness and understanding and I wasnt. We were only intimate when he wanted to be, which was rare after a while. He started also looking at pictures of naked men.

[Yakno321]

I always thought he had some personality disorder or narcissism. You made a good point. It may have been more of a power struggle than anything. I think much of his life is that way - he is very argumentative and has to 'win'!

[Seraphim]

Jump for joy you don't get to spend another year like this .

[Wiseman2]

Agree.

Jump for joy you don't get to spend another year like this .

]

[DancingFool]

Don't think it's your brain but rather your ego talking. Namely that someone as damaged as him couldn't possibly leave you but did.

 

Anyway, as already said, you should be jumping for joy and celebrating that such a toxic, nasty, abusive creature is out of your life. Truly hurrah for a better new year and pull out the champagne to celebrate that.

 

Dealing with someone like him is a bit like trying to swim upstream with a rock tied around your neck. I don't care how well you can swim, you will still get nowhere. Since the rock conveniently slipped off your neck, enjoy your freedom and a life without him dragging you down all the time.

[Yakno321]

Well, a part of me feels 'free' to not have to walk on eggshells with anyone anymore! After all this time I did not know what was acceptable to ever say! If i didnt talk to him, he'd think I was being cold - if i DID talk to him and try to make conversation, I'd get 'you just do not know how to have a short chat do you?' - As, I write all of this - I am finally seeing how sick he is. Youre totally right about all of this!!!

[abitbroken]

Well, a part of me feels 'free' to not have to walk on eggshells with anyone anymore! After all this time I did not know what was acceptable to ever say! If i didnt talk to him, he'd think I was being cold - if i DID talk to him and try to make conversation, I'd get 'you just do not know how to have a short chat do you?' - As, I write all of this - I am finally seeing how sick he is. Youre totally right about all of this!!!

 

 

I don't understand why you would not have bailed at the 8 week mark when he got weird. I am an abuse survivor - I understand about feeling trapped, or the mean and sweet cycle - but in my case it really didn't show up until way farther in AND I had low self esteem and his treatment of me just reinforced my feelings about myself. I hope that this is a good time to reflect on personal boundaries - if someone doesn't treat you right - you CAN leave - but after 8 weeks - there was nothing really to "leave" - you dated a guy for 8 weeks and were not in a relationship unless you feel you get too invested too quickly.

 

So please, put this guy behind you as far as you possibly can and next time, don't go on a 4th, 5th, or 10th date with someone who weirds out on you

[Hollyj]

I would seriously question why you stayed on board after the two-month mark. There were so many red flags with the "relationship" that you chose to ignore. I would address why you believe you deserve so little.

 

Put the focus on you, so that you never entertain this type of situation again. Such a waste of your precious time!

 

Lastly, stop seeing yourself as a victim! You are not! You chose to stick around for the dysfunction .

[Capricorn3]

Instead of feeling very upset, you should go out with your friends and celebrate the fact that you are finally rid of this abusive jerk. Make sure to block and delete ALL contact and go full NC. Never, ever, ever respond to him if he contacts you. Once you start that, you'll never be rid of him.

[Yakno321]

Yes, and thank you - Thats the plan!!

[Yakno321]

He was very charming and manipulative when he wanted me back, each time. Kind of got trapped in all of it- The cycle. Narcissists have a way to make you feel like youre questioning your own sanity all the time. He took a woman who had built a life for herself, had a home, plenty of money, friends and family - and then turned me into an emotional mess. I think it was a challenge for him, and to watch me go down this spiral, well i think that made him feel better about himself. I truly need to work on getting back to being me now!

[DancingFool]

Just block and delete him from everything. He shows up on your doorstep, call the cops. I'm serious. Toxic relationships have an addictive element to them very similar to drugs in your brain. So best way to get rid of them is cold turkey and making sure that you absolutely do not permit any further contact ever again, aggressively so.

[Wiseman2]

Read up on "red flags for abusive relationships" and "warning signs of controlling relationships", so you can tell what healthy is compared to this and why you got involved in an abusive situation.

Well, a part of me feels 'free' to not have to walk on eggshells with anyone anymore! After all this time I did not know what was acceptable to ever say

[Yakno321]

I doubt hell try to contact me again. So I'm not too worried. Thank you all for the advice.

[Edmund Exley]

Well, a part of me feels 'free' to not have to walk on eggshells with anyone anymore! After all this time I did not know what was acceptable to ever say! If i didnt talk to him, he'd think I was being cold - if i DID talk to him and try to make conversation, I'd get 'you just do not know how to have a short chat do you?' - As, I write all of this - I am finally seeing how sick he is. Youre totally right about all of this!!!

 

Break yourself free of the Save a Bro mentality. You said that you thought he has a personality disorder or narcissism as if it was an excuse to be OK with his behavior.

 

Very unhealthy

[Yakno321]

Break yourself free of the Save a Bro mentality. You said that you thought he has a personality disorder or narcissism as if it was an excuse to be OK with his behavior.

 

Very unhealthy

 

Yeah well, you don't see the trees when you're in the Forrest sometimes!

[Edmund Exley]

Yeah well, you don't see the trees when you're in the Forrest sometimes!

 

Lesson one. Realize when you're in the forest.

[Yakno321]

Solid point.

[Hollyj]

It seems that you are not acknowledging your part in this.

[Yakno321]

It seems that you are not acknowledging your part in this.

 

Huh?!? Why for putting up with it? Yes, I'll own that.

[Jibralta]

And yet Still, my brain keeps thinking - What did I do wrong for him to cut me off like I'm garbage?

Is my brain wrong to think it was me?

 

I would say yes, your brain is wrong for thinking it was you. When another person chooses to be an a$$hole, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. You need to come to terms with the fact that you are not responsible for the behavior of other people. You also need to realize that kind and decent people do exist in the world. They take responsibility for their own actions and don't lay blame on other people. Learn to recognize the difference between decent people and entitled, embittered people, and next time aim for a relationship with a better-quality person. Say good-riddance to this person and keep on moving.

[Yakno321]

Thank you!!!