They Don't Deserve You...

[OldRomantic83]

Ok, I can honestly say I am a proud convert to the No Contact rule.

 

Seriously, I have literally no idea why I didn't do it before, so many people on here and elsewhere advised me to do so but as always I knew best. From experience I can now say that trying to cling on to an irreparable relationship is like putting yourself through the worst kind of torture imaginable... trying to salvage something or chasing something that causes you all kinds of mental and physical pain can never end well, and I don't care what anybody says... a relationship can NEVER be the same after you've been unceremoniously cast aside, you'll always be looking sideways no matter how happy you appear to be as a couple, especially when there was a third person on the sidelines in the relationship previously. The trust will never be there, and every time they have their head in their phone doing whatever... believe me, your mind will be doing overtime... is that truly something you want for yourself...?

 

If you've been mistreated in the past, or suffered any kind of mental or physical abuse at the hands of a partner, you will no doubt be questioning your own self-worth without them, like who would ever want you again... you've been conditioned that way, to feel like you owe them some great debt just for being with you, it enables them to get away with just about anything in your life, while you as a partner blindly defend them whenever somebody posed any questions or tries to make you see sense, I'm guilty of that myself, you don't see the tornado when you're whirling around inside of it... other people do, and they often get hit by the debris which comes flying out of it. Again, so guilty of that... I turned against my family while trying to defend the indefensible, cut a lot of people out of my life because she didn't like them speaking against what she was doing to me, they saw it... they saw a outspoken, confident, strutting man become a bloated introvert, a shell of himself, who would do just about anything to avoid being alone, to feel loved, even if it was pseudo-love... it was love nonetheless. My friends, listen to these people, the eyes from the outside often have the clearest view... and to the people that tried in my case to help, I could only say how sorry I was for my behaviour, that they were right all along.

 

So for those in a similar situation to mine, believe me... there is something else, don't allow these people power to decide when something ends when you're the one taking the abuse, take the power away from them and tell them to hit the bricks... you don't deserve abuse, whether you're male or female, no human being deserves to feel like an expendable possession... you have feelings, you have a heart, and most importantly you have a voice, you don't need this...! And if you find yourself in a position where you've been cast aside like a piece of rubbish, don't inflate the person's sense of ego by chasing them... block them out of your life in every way no matter how difficult it may seem, that person made you feel like you didn't deserve them, when in reality it is them who don't deserve you... you'll find yourself remembering the good times they allowed you to have, however rare they might have been... and if, like me, you allow yourself to focus on these... it'll kill you, but what you need to do is remember that this person allowed you these nice times to maintain a grip on your mind... knowing they have you on the end of a string should they ever choose to pull it.

 

Well, DON'T...!! cut that darn string... don't torture yourself with thoughts of what might have been, and what could still be... they aren't worth the time in your day or the effort in your fingers to send a message, Block them in every possible way you can, it will truly be the best step you can take, as tough as it is to do. This person used you... now you use them, use them as a lesson that toughens your soul, strengthens your heart... and makes you a better person for the one that's truly lucky enough to have you, because you ARE worth it my friends.

 

You can't move forwards if your eyes are always behind you.

[Inspired]

Thank you so much for this! I am having a down day and was just dwelling on what could have been and might still be. But I need to remember how he just discarded me like our time together meant nothing. He doesn't deserve me at all. Not even my thoughts.

[OldRomantic83]

Thank you so much for this! I am having a down day and was just dwelling on what could have been and might still be. But I need to remember how he just discarded me like our time together meant nothing. He doesn't deserve me at all. Not even my thoughts.

 

I'm glad you found it helpful... it really doesn't help to dwell on what if's... that's the biggest killer, trying in some way to blame yourself or thinking you could have fixed it in some way, turn that thinking around... there's something much greater waiting just around the corner for you, someone that deserves you... in all the ways he didn't. Never ever blame yourself ok...?

[Edmund Exley]

Saying someone doesn't deserve you kind of excuses what ever role you may have played in causing the break up, and thus makes it unlikely you will learn from it.

[OldRomantic83]

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 3 years, being humiliated, controlled, mentally battered, prevented from associating with anybody she didn't sign off on... including my family, putting up with her constant humiliations of my family, her having such a grip on the money coming in that EVERYTHING I had went on bills etc, leaving me with next to nothing and her living in her own lap of luxury, I would have to beg for the odd handout from her then made to feel I should be grateful for the crumbs I was being thrown. Having to sit and watch her talking to other guys, promising she'd leave me for them... taking great pride in telling me she was leaving me then getting a greater kick from the sobbing mess that was begging on the floor for her not to go, because I had been battered down mentally EVERY SINGLE DAY, constantly being told nobody would want me again, and that I owed her for staying with me. If I so much as questioned any of this or developed a voice I'd be ducking the next solid object that came flying at my head... she cut my friends from my life, she drove a wedge between me and my family, and would sneer at me, almost bragging at me that she 'knows exactly what buttons to press to get you started'... well, I can honestly say (and I'd even take a polygraph on this one) that I never once touched her, I suffered on a constant basis for almost 3 years and have been left needing therapy and medications to deal with what she left me with.

 

So, in a nutshell... she doesn't deserve me, no victim of an abusive relationship should be blaming themselves, because when you've suffered in that way it's natural for you to blame yourself in the aftermath, looking for ways you could have fixed it, well let me tell you it's taken me a while to get to this stage when I can say 'it wasn't my fault', and it's been a struggle, but once a victim makes that disconnection and can finally free themselves of any notion they could 'fix' a damaged/abusive partner, only then can they truly move forwards... I'm doing that now, and I refuse to blame myself and more.

[theanongirl89]

trying to salvage something or chasing something that causes you all kinds of mental and physical pain can never end well, and I don't care what anybody says... a relationship can NEVER be the same after you've been unceremoniously cast aside, you'll always be looking sideways no matter how happy you appear to be as a couple, especially when there was a third person on the sidelines in the relationship previously. The trust will never be there, and every time they have their head in their phone doing whatever...

 

Pretty much. Second chances are not always what you truly need. Yeah perhaps you WANT that second chance. But it just doesn't exist. No matter what. One of you will not try hard enough, and one of you will get frustrated. Then you will break up again. That's basically how it works. And when there's someone else, RUN. As fast as you can. There's no need to go through that pain. It truly hurts.

[cyssan]

use them as a lesson that toughens your soul, strengthens your heart... and makes you a better person for the one that's truly lucky enough to have you, because you ARE worth it my friends.

 

Thanks for this. Pain is really a great teacher, if we allow it. Not a lot of people can achieve this kind of mindset after being in an abusive relationship. I'm glad you're out of it, and can post this kind of helpful advice.

[OldRomantic83]

I'm glad it helped you... believe me, this mindset was really difficult to achieve, and in equal part it's just as difficult to maintain... as the person inevitably finds a way to get to you and tries to work the old tricks. It was so tempting to return the messages and 'slug it out' with her for what she put me through, and there was a much smaller part that wanted to attempt a civilised conversation with her... the key was realising that neither of those options would achieve anything, they wouldn't move me forward, but yet had the potential to set me back in my progress... so the easiest route was resist both temptations to plug that hole so she couldn't get through it again. All told, her actions have made it very easy for me to cut her off completely... and I owe her a very cynical, sarcastic thanks for that.

 

But anyway, how are you holding up...? Christmas getting any easier for you...?

[cyssan]

It's harder for me because my ex was/is really a good person. Weighing my bad and good days, I find it hard to hate her. Sometimes I wish she was this really bad person so that I could at least work on something, right? My ex still sends "how are you?" messages, insisting to be friends. I don't answer. It hurts me that I don't, but I know it will also hurt if I do.

 

As far as Christmas is concerned....I just want this season to end lol. December also happens to be a favorite wedding month here, a friend got married last Saturday, and while it was fun during the ceremony....I got really awfully down the day after. Anyway, I opted to work during the holidays (while most of my colleagues take their vacation) so that at least would help keep me busy. Hope yours turn out much, much better, man!

[OldRomantic83]

It's harder for me because my ex was/is really a good person. Weighing my bad and good days, I find it hard to hate her. Sometimes I wish she was this really bad person so that I could at least work on something, right? My ex still sends "how are you?" messages, insisting to be friends. I don't answer. It hurts me that I don't, but I know it will also hurt if I do.

 

As far as Christmas is concerned....I just want this season to end lol. December also happens to be a favorite wedding month here, a friend got married last Saturday, and while it was fun during the ceremony....I got really awfully down the day after. Anyway, I opted to work during the holidays (while most of my colleagues take their vacation) so that at least would help keep me busy. Hope yours turn out much, much better, man!

 

You're doing 100% the right thing in not replying, as difficult as it is for you... I completely agree that it's much easier to disconnect if you're dealing with a horrendous person, it's a case of just remembering those times and the feelings that came with them, but don't get me wrong... the good times (and there were some) come creeping in too, those are the challenging parts... and all part of the person's game to stay inside your head. But from your description it sounds like you are dealing with a fundamentally good person, and it's a natural human response to guard your heart against further harm once it has been broken... it's when those 2 things collide it becomes a problem for you emotionally. But you're totally on the right track, keeping your mind going is a great way too combat the thoughts that will enter your mind, and they will... you wouldn't be human otherwise, and try your best to keep the NC up, unless you're 100% sure you can achieve something positive as a result then it really isn't worth taking the risk and opening yourself up to potentially more emotional trauma.

 

Yeah, wedding season... happy couples signing pieces of paper to prove their undying love, and I bet you had pictured it all in your mind too at one stage right...? a simple, mapped out future leading to the happy ever after... yeah, I did too. But what you mustn't lose sight of is that it's still out there for you, you can still have that future, at the right time and with somebody who truly 100% shares your hopes and dreams, so many people see a breakup as an end... no my friend, it's not an end, it's just a painful transition into something even more special, don't forget that.

[OldRomantic83]

And I've literally just noticed in one of your other posts, that you were in an age gap relationship, you being 33 and your ex 23, odd thing... my ex and me were the same ages when we split... not really making a point with that, just an observation really.

[cyssan]

 

Yeah, wedding season... happy couples signing pieces of paper to prove their undying love, and I bet you had pictured it all in your mind too at one stage right...? a simple, mapped out future leading to the happy ever after... yeah, I did too. But what you mustn't lose sight of is that it's still out there for you, you can still have that future, at the right time and with somebody who truly 100% shares your hopes and dreams, so many people see a breakup as an end... no my friend, it's not an end, it's just a painful transition into something even more special, don't forget that.

 

Thanks for this, my friend, it really is a helpful reminder. Yeah, we had plans for a ceremony next year...now it'll just be another date in 2017 that I need to overcome. Like they say, new beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. I know you'll also get your special and happy ending with that right person.

 

And I've literally just noticed in one of your other posts, that you were in an age gap relationship, you being 33 and your ex 23, odd thing... my ex and me were the same ages when we split... not really making a point with that, just an observation really.

 

It's odd how I find that kind of comforting. I read your story, and I'd say it again--I'm glad you're out of it. You deserve a fully functional and happy relationship. It's just heartbreaking that our exes--maybe in their youth and their current worldview/ mindset--chose to follow that path in their lives that does not include us, chose not to fight for a life with us----even if the rest of the world sees us as very good people. But I'd like to think these are all for the best, and part of a much more beautiful life down the road. All the best to you, my friend.