No chance of moving in together

[kittykitty]

Looking for a little perspective. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year. We about live 35 min apart. Last January he was looking at places for us to move in to together between us and I said no because it was too soon. I have kids, and 50/50 custody. He has 2 kids and his ex has full custody. I make 95% of the effort to go see him because it makes it easier with his work schedule.

 

After I said no to moving in with him he ended up finding another house and moving. This caused issues because I felt like he went from wanting to live with me to moving into a new house and at this point he changed to now having no idea what will happen in the future but he assured me he still wants to live with me. This was last spring and I gave it some time.

 

The subject recently came up again when I asked him where he saw us in 5 years. He got angry that I brought this up and clearly his answer was in the same place - me making all the effort for us to see each other, him compromising by buying me things to keep me happy and that's it. We see each other on the weekends only. The odd time if he happens to be in my city he will stay over on a weekday.

 

After the anger was gone he finally admitted that he loves his house and doesn't want to leave. There is no way I could move that distance with my kids (who are 10) and he has always known that. We talked about it early on in the relationship and he did know 100% what I wanted in a relationship aka living together, marriage

 

I asked him if it came down to it and I needed more and let's say in 2 or 3 or 5 years I either needed to move in together or we would have to break up, what would he do. He said he would choose to stay in his house and let me go.

 

I'm crushed. I love him and he apparently loves me but he made it clear that there's no possibility of moving in together at all until my kids are raised and out of my house when I can move in with him. Despite promises at the beginning of our relationship - he's now decided there will never be a compromise.

 

I'm torn. I'm 35. I love him but I can't imagine just "dating" for 10-15 years. I'm sure I posted about this before however he finally told me the truth about how he feels - before I was speculating. I don't want to waste my time seeing someone on weekends for a decade. But I love him and the thought of ending it hurts too.

 

I'm also questioning how he really does feel about me if he would choose a house over having me in his life. Moving in together wouldn't over complicate his life because we would only be 15-20 min from where he is now. He has quite literally chose a house over me. I don't know how this feel about this

[Birdie]

This sounds very emotional and difficult, sorry you're going through this.

 

Unfortunately he made it clear he's not willing to move. And the reasons you've listed for wanting to stay where you are are valid, along with what you want in a relationship.

 

I think you know the answer...good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry for this situation. I think when you rejected his offer to move in together, and he experienced his move, he changed his mind about you. He transitioned from seeing a meaningful future with you to one where you are a weekend girlfriend. I think you know what you need to do.

[kittykitty]

I'm sorry for this situation. I think when you rejected his offer to move in together, and he experienced his move, he changed his mind about you. He transitioned from seeing a meaningful future with you to one where you are a weekend girlfriend. I think you know what you need to do.

 

This is a feeling I get. And it's sad because honestly 2 months together and moving in really was too soon.

 

It's hard though and he does tell me how much he loves me and how he does *want* to live with me and how he sees himself growing old with me.

 

I have a hard time knowing if this is genuine or if this is to make him look like the good guy if I eventually do leave I resent that he acts like it's a bad think that I want more. He gets frustrated when it comes up and just tells me how much he loves everything the way it is. I feel like the bad guy for wanting more, as if I should just be content to have a good relationship because he is.

 

ETA: I do know that if I said I would move in with him now he would say ok. The problem lies in the compromise because I literally cannot move to his place because I have my kids.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. you were right to say no to moving in together buying a house together after only a few months. Especially with kids involved. He hasn't asked you to move there, so there is no need to fret about the distance and your children etc.

 

He has to do the right thing for his children first and if that means buying a house in this area near their mother, school etc. that makes perfect sense. Whatever is best for his kids.

 

It sounds like his rebound/infatuation blindness wore off and he started thinking straight about putting his kids first and not his dating life.

 

With both of you being single working parents seeing each other will be challenging, especially on weekdays. After dating less than a year particularly with the logistics of kids it's way way too soon to talk about moving in together no less buying a home together.

 

You seem to be resentful that you go to his place rather than he drives to yours? Yet his input is fancy dates and treats. Do you want him at your place?

 

Shouldn't your weekdays be about work and organizing the kids for school etc., not your new dating life? It's nice you can spend weekends together.

 

Unfortunately he was honest with your theoretical ultimatum, so you can make your decisions based on that. Sadly it sounds like you have not recovered from your divorce and you want an insta-marriage/family situation to restore that.

 

Some counselling may help you see that you Are a still a family with your children and don't need to force yourself into anyone's home to build an insta-family.

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year. I felt like he went from wanting to live with me to moving into a new house. me making all the effort for us to see each other, him compromising by buying me things to keep me happy and that's it. We see each other on the weekends only. There is no way I could move that distance with my kids (who are 10) and he has always known that.I asked him if it came down to it and I needed more and let's say in 2 or 3 or 5 years I either needed to move in together or we would have to break up, what would he do. He said he would choose to stay in his house and let me go.

[kittykitty]

Sorry to hear this. you were right to say no to moving in together buying a house together after only a few months. Especially with kids involved. He hasn't asked you to move there, so there is no need to fret about the distance and your children etc.

 

He has to do the right thing for his children first and if that means buying a house in this area near their mother, school etc. that makes perfect sense. Whatever is best for his kids.

 

It sounds like his rebound/infatuation blindness wore off and he started thinking straight about putting his kids first and not his dating life.

 

With both of you being single working parents seeing each other will be challenging, especially on weekdays. After dating less than a year particularly with the logistics of kids it's way way too soon to talk about moving in together no less buying a home together.

 

You seem to be resentful that you go to his place rather than he drives to yours? Yet his input is fancy dates and treats. Do you want him at your place?

 

Shouldn't your weekdays be about work and organizing the kids for school etc., not your new dating life? It's nice you can spend weekends together.

 

Unfortunately he was honest with your theoretical ultimatum, so you can make your decisions based on that. Sadly it sounds like you have not recovered from your divorce and you want an insta-marriage/family situation to restore that.

 

Some counselling may help you see that you Are a still a family with your children and don't need to force yourself into anyone's home to build an insta-family.

 

Thank you for your comment.

 

No I'm not looking for an insta family - I did mention 2 - 5 years from now. Not today. I have fully recovered from my divorce as that was 7.5 years ago. I have 50/50 custody so no I don't have my kids every night of a weekday and neither does he. And no- the move was not to be close to his kids as where we would look to move is 15 minutes away and that was his suggestion earlier. I'm a little resentful yes, because if I don't physically make that effort then he wouldn't come to see me more so how often we see each other depends on the effort that I am willing to make.

 

I'm not asking for anything right now - I'm asking him to see if we are on the same page on what we are looking for in a relationship because when we first started dating we were and now that apparently has changed

[happyfrank]

Relationship is very new to talk about moving in together and marriage.

 

It's too much IMO.

[browser]

Well this is certainly a classic case of "Be careful what you wish for".

 

He was probably very hurt when you declined his invitation to cohabitate, and the "switch" inside his head clicked, and he accepted that the relationship would never be full time/live in. Now, you've had a change of heart but he's no longer on the same page, and he's been honest and forthcoming and told you he's not looking for more.

 

You can either- accept this is not what you want in your life, and cut the cord sooner rather than later.

 

Or accept a part time relationship because he's worth it, even though there are lots of guys out there that you would be very happy with who would want that full time commitment with you.

 

Or wait and see if he softens his approach down the line. But that waiting around for him can really do a job on your emotional state over time.

[Zaphod]

Well you can either carry on seeing him with the 35min trip, which isn't too bad, and maybe that might be fun and you'll both have your own space, etc.

 

Or if you insist on marriage and living together, then split up.

 

I don't think anyone else can make that choice for you.

 

When you ask him where he sees you both in 5 years, how is he meant to know that? It's kind of an impossible question to answer. Also, it's a loaded question.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry for this situation. I think when you rejected his offer to move in together, and he experienced his move, he changed his mind about you. He transitioned from seeing a meaningful future with you to one where you are a weekend girlfriend. I think you know what you need to do.

 

I agree, but you were smart to reject his initial offer, and it's a good thing you did. He showed you that he has lousy judgment right off the bat. While that hasn't prevented you from falling for him, he's showing you now where that judgment has lead him.

 

That's about him, not you.

 

I'd ask myself, "If I knew that this is all that BF has to offer me--no less, but no more--would I stay or go? If the answer is stay, then here you are. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, when?

 

Head high.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately agree with happyfrank and Zaphod that after under a year of dating talking about moving in is too soon and unwise. You say theoretically in a few years, but you are asking him this Now and incorporating ultimatums.

 

Also are you paying for this 15 min away house or this theoretical join house? What about your house? Can you sell it? So many logistics to look into. It seems just staying over together when your kids aren't around is a such a huge priority

 

Also it sounds like you are incompatible already which is what dating the first year is to find out. Dating a few months is to get to know each other not shop for houses or argue over locations of a house He bought for His kids.

 

You also seem to resent driving 35 min even though "him compromising by buying me things to keep me happy and that's it". Seeing each other most weekends is actually fine if you both work and have kids and need some time during the week for other things.

 

Sadly you seem to be in a huge rush to move in and be together as a family. Why not date first and see if you and your respective families are even compatible. What's the rush?

 

Maybe slow down and reflect on your concerns resentments and where they are coming from and if he is maybe not the guy for you if a 35 min drive or waiting to move in is creating this much anger.

I did mention 2 - 5 years from now. Not today. I'm a little resentful yes, because if I don't physically make that effort then he wouldn't come to see me more so how often we see each other depends on the effort that I am willing to make

[DancingFool]

I think you need to take a step back and consider some things about him.

 

When he asked you to move in with him, you barely knew each other and it was completely impulsive and inappropriate.

You have now known each other longer and he is telling flat out that his house is more important than your relationship.

You also say that if you didn't make all the effort to go see him, you likely wouldn't see each other much at all.

 

I don't know, what started compulsively, seems to have cooled off as it should, except that instead growing into a more deep bond, it kind of went the other way into convenient coasting. I think you might have dodged a bullet by not moving in with him back then. Probably need to reconsider the state of your relationship now. I think what has changed for you is back then you weren't so emotionally invested so were able to think more clearly. Now you are so much more invested, so it's clouding your judgment, but I do think that you already know the answer and know what you need to do.

[Zaphod]

I don't want to waste my time seeing someone on weekends for a decade.

 

Why would it be wasting your time? Either you like him or you don't.

 

I'm not sure I see what's wrong here. You're doing fine, he's doing fine. You go and see him and then you come back and get on with your life.

 

I can understand his point of view. He has a nice house that's his. He has his own space. He probably doesn't want to be suddenly having to cope with more people living there, especially more kids.

 

Also, the house is stability for him. A relationship, although nice, is not. He could give up this house for you and then suddenly you dump him and leave him in the lurch in two years, or whatever. Seems like high stakes.

 

You have to give him a risk/reward proposal that is more balanced than that.

[boltnrun]

Well, for me a weekend-only relationship is perfect. I can't stand someone being all up in my business 24/7. I need my personal space.

 

You, however, feel differently. You want more time together.

 

So, the two options are to carry on as it is now, or realize it won't change and cut your losses and then work on meeting someone else who wants what you want.

[JaggerJim]

Ok so why does he not want your kids included in the moving in together arrangement?

 

I have to agree with Miss Darcy that he now see's you as his weekend girlfriend. Does he not like kids?

[Zaphod]

I'm not sure he "sees her" as his weekend girlfriend, it's just that is the pragmatic arrangement they have, which seems to make perfect sense to me.

 

They both get on with their jobs or whatever during the week, and see each other on weekends, with him occasionally staying round if he's in the area. To constantly expect over one and a half hours extra commute during the week is a heavy demand, as is expecting him to completely give up his privacy and organisation at his house in order to accomodate at least 3 other people.

 

Again, I'm not really seeing the problem here. Seems like a great arrangement to me. Keeps things fresh, allows you both your own lives, etc.

 

I'm assuming the OP has her own place, which she's not desperate to get out of for any reason? So what's the issue?

[j.man]

You haven't even been with him for a year right now and he was suggesting moving in together last spring?

[abitbroken]

Another hand raised in this was all too premature.

 

First of all - you both have kids - the relationship should move very slowly in the beginning because of that - date nights on non-custodial nights, etc., and above all, not having your kids live with someone not married to you for their own stability.

 

I think what you need to do is to decide what your ultimate wish list is. if you want to be married again, then you should decide that marriage is your end game, not "marriage or living together" and then making half baked plans to live with a guy to fulfill that goal. People who move in with someone and someone else's kids is not looking for marriage - they are looking to play house to see how they like it - a blended family requires a commitment. No one in their right mind moves in quickly when kids are involved.

 

If you find a guy who wants to marry and its just a matter of finding the right one, etc, then don't be in a hurry. Date - let the relationship progress. At 35 are you wanting more kids? If you are not - then there is no harm in dating 5-6 years before engagement or more so there is plenty of time to develop the relationship - then time to gradually introduce them to the kids if you get to that point. Blending families is a balancing act.

 

The problem is many people feel that when someone doesn't want to move in with them yet, they are rejecting you as a person.

[abitbroken]

If he was looking for a house at the very start of the relationship - depending on how long he has been divorced, maybe he wanted an instant family - its hard for some men to live alone when they are used to having a wife. Maybe now that he has a house he is content with the idea that its okay to be alone and have his own space and he likes it.

 

I am glad he was at least clear about where he stands. Its best for him to find someone nearby to date. And you best do the same.

 

When you decide to date again - then you should make sure you are not doing all the heavy lifting. its okay to be the one that does slightly more because of schedules - it shouldn't be a tick sheet (if someone gets out at 8 pm, its reasonable to have the other person who is off at 3 be the reservation setter most of the time, etc), but if you do 95% of the effort, you need to review if you are with someone who really wants a relationship and is not just in it if its convenient. He is proving that once again, you should be the only one to make all sacrifices.

 

If you are content to just date - then date this man - but only go half as much to his side of town as you did, and if he doesn't start to match you a little - then what's the point of dating him? Personally, I would let him go. it is totally okay to just date if you are not looking for anything more than that - but it isn't dating if you are the only one making an effort.

[Zaphod]

My last girlfriend I travelled one and a half hours to see her, for the record. Not that that has much relevance, but just sayin' - you know, a bit of travel can add a bit of spice in a funny kind of way.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Sometimes you have to be inconvenienced a bit when dating. Patience especially with kids is truly a virtue when starting to date.

 

But you will never find love if you limit your radius to 15 min and 35 min for dating a few months is "95% of the all the sacrifices".

 

If you really thought he was worthwhile, you would be more interested in making some investment (he pays and buys you expensive things, right?) not just what's in this for you and how soon is he going to give you a house in your exact desired location.

My last girlfriend I travelled one and a half hours to see her, for the record. Not that that has much relevance, but just sayin' - you know, a bit of travel can add a bit of spice in a funny kind of way.

[Zaphod]

At my last place of work, there was this Bangladeshi woman who was around 50, who told me about how her and her husband "courted" (it was an arranged marriage) - she said that before they got married, they sent each other 1 letter a month. The distance between them was so great. They also had grainy photographs.

 

I guess that was the equivalent in Bangladesh in say the seventies, as online dating is now. And it was a very romantic story, I must admit.

 

She didn't say whether he sent her pics of his meat and two veg or not.

[faraday]

Ignoring the house/moving thing for a minute...

 

I would not be cool with being the one that does all of the driving to see him...and I would not be cool with only spending weekends together (at a year in). He should be putting in more effort to see you...and my guess is, the moving in thing is just the big red "stop" sign at the end of a road of flares. This does not sound like an equal relationship...and having someone say they'll never move is...well, it doesn't give you the warm and fuzzies, does it? He just doesn't seem that invested. I think it's time to walk.

 

You did the right thing not moving in with him...and you're in the right for not wanting to the one always driving to him. You're also in the right for wanting more than weekends.

 

A 35 minute drive isn't that far. My husband's commute used to be 45 minutes each way....every day. When we dated, we lived 30 minutes apart and we saw each other at least 3 times a week.

 

I think you need to walk away from this one. Find one that's willing to compromise.

[kittykitty]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I do feel a bit of both sides here. On one hand I am actually very happy with this set up in the present moment. I'm not currently resentful of my commuting to see him however when I look forward 10 years and picture myself doing the same thing then that's what makes me a bit resentful and frustrated. I do feel that it's way too soon to discuss moving in and even told him that if he asked me to move in today I wouldn't be ready - mostly because at this point he rarely sees my kids and that would be too much on them and maybe not even in a year. On the other hand I spend entire weekends playing and baking with his kids so he in fact would be ready.

 

So present moment is fine, I'm not ungrateful or resentful. The question I ask myself is if I can do this for the next 10 years. I do realize that I have taken his statement as something personal and related that to maybe him not loving me enough so that's on me.

 

The whole thing is just confusing. It's too soon to talk about yet he was the one that brought it up 2 months into dating so I felt justified bringing it up. At the same time if I know there's not a chance of taking a next step then I'm not sure what to do. I guess it comes down to commitment, im scared that 10 years of this and someone else will come along and give him what he wants immediately and I will have wasted my time but I guess that can happen in any situation. Because he does say he wants to move in and if we lived closer he would want me to live with him and would be ok even if that was now

 

I guess the biggest thing is taking what he said and feeling like he's maybe not as serious or does not love me as much as he says but again, that's on me.

 

After our fight he promised me to make some more effort. My complaints about me commuting come from feeling like part of his life but not feeling like he's part of mine. I feel deep down that if he did make more effort to be part of mine then the moving thing wouldn't be as big of an issue so we will start there and see

[catfeeder]

I spend entire weekends playing and baking with his kids so he in fact would be ready.

 

I don't understand this. Do you mean you've been playing Suzie homemaker with his kids to persuade him?

 

Also, what's his anger about? I can see expressing disagreement, but why did he get angry about it?