How to get over the fact that my girlfriend got an ex boyfriend ?

[JCVD]

Hi, sorry for my bad english in advance.

 

I’m with my girlfriend since 6 month, we know each other since we are in middle school. After that she go in another school and in an other high school in the same town.

We are now both 20 years old, we started to speak together after all these years via facebook and we date some days after, she told me that she had 1 boyfriend during her last year of high school and it lasted 6 month, she lost her virginity with him and i appreciate a lot her honesty.

 

Now we love each other a lot, I see all my futur with her and for no reason i can break up, that’s the same for her.

At first the fact that she was no more virgin didn’t bother me at all ( I do not care if a girl is a virgin or non virgin ).

 

But the problem is that 3 month after we started this relationship i really fell in love with her and started thinking about her doing her first time with her ex boyfriend and a lot of more bad things. I was thinking that it’ll go outside my head with time ( i tried to no give matter to it ), but the fact is that the days passed and i was thinking more and more about it, i kept everything for me after 1 month of struggle i’ve decided to tell her what was going on.

 

I told her that i was thinking about all this and that it was bothered me since 1 month.

She answered me that she regret to have done her first time and to have be with him and that she is very sad about it, she didn’t know why she did this ( I think it’s because like a lot of people now she wanted to lose her virginity as soon as possible,specially at 20 years old and i understand this ).

 

It was during her last year in high school and he was in her class, she told me this is the thing that she regret the most in her life and if she could go back in times she would only change this, she told me that she was just attached to him and that she saw him only during class, that she slept only around 10 times with him and after 6 month he left her she said that she didn’t think about him one time since she is with me, that he is an and that she have forgot him with no difficulty ( I’m aware that i’m young, that it’s all my problem and that it’s all in my mind, and certainly not her problem ).

 

She said that she discovered the real love with me and that she love me more than everythings.

After this conversation i didn’t speak again about it with her because i don’t want, some days after, i spoke with her mom about this ( i know her since 10 years ) and she told me that my girlfriend wanted to see me and date me for years and that she was speaking about me everytimes, that i was in her mind everytime and that she never thought being with me one day.

 

The last thing i regret the most is that i come 6 months to late because she wouldn’t met this guy.( and i know that 100% of people in this world regret things in their life and that the majority would preserve himself/herself for the love of their life ).

I’m aware that there are a lot of worst thing in this world and i do my best everydays to get over it but i can’t and it’s hurting me everytime i think about it, and trust me i think a lot about this. I feel like i’m blocked because i can’t leave her but i can’t go back in time to change that, the only thing i can do is to accept it but i don’t even know if it’s possible

Is there any people who had nearly the same problem ?

 

How can i work on myself to accept this and stop hurting me with these thoughts ?

 

Thank to everybody who have read this and who try to help me and sorry again for this bad english.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. She doesn't owe you her past sexual history and certainly not an apology.

 

She can't undo this and become a virgin again for you. So your problem, as you said, is all in your head and solely your problem not hers.

 

Why are you speaking with her mother about this? That is outrageous and shows a deep lack of respect and boundaries.

 

Unfortunately you need to breakup because you are obsessed with "taking virginity" and you don't respect her and she can't change her past.

I’m with my girlfriend since 6 month. We are now both 20 years old and we date. and started thinking about her doing her first time with her ex boyfriend and a lot of more bad things.

She answered me that she regret to have done her first time. some days after, i spoke with her mom about this

[happyfrank]

You should embrace what life gives you. Ex, is no longer part of her life. Unlike her ex. You have a good chance of being her husband and having babies with her.

 

Don't ruin a good thing.

 

I have half brother. I was upset as kid towards my mother because she had sex with a man that wasn't my father.

 

Growing up. I learned that is part of who she was. It's was her life and did the best she could.

[yatsue]

Are you a virgin yourself?

[Wiseman2]

Great question.

Are you a virgin yourself?

]

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

You can't change the past. It happened. You either need to let go of it and move on together....or move on alone.

 

She didn't HAVE to disclose that information to you but she did, and she was HONEST. don't punish her for it or guilt her about anything.

 

If you can't handle it then find yourself a virgin. Don't blame her for her past

[JCVD]

Are you a virgin yourself?

 

No, i lost my virginity with another girl who wasn't even my girlfriend and i regret this a lot,

I want to specify that i don't judge her at all and i'll never since i'm in the same case (she accept my non virginity and never think or speak about it, it don't seem to disturb her, i think she is a lot more mature than me), i don't want to speak again about this with her because she regret it and make her sad and it's clearly not her problem only mine, i love her with all my heart.

 

That's why i need some advice to stop thinking about it and just enjoy my actual relationship.

Maybe only time can reduce these thoughts i don't know.

 

Thank for all your reply

[SherrySher]

I know jealousy can be a hard issue to tackle but what's done is done. She admitted she regretted it. The best thing you can do now is to let it go and don't waste anymore time over it.

And oh my goodness, you are not a virgin either? Now there is no reason for you to think of this. You did exactly what she did. You need to move from the past and seriously let it go.

[Wiseman2]

This is why too many details about past relationships, especially sexual details, is a foolish thing to go on and on about. It introduces information you don't need to hear or know about.

 

Many immature people think they need to disclose every single detail of past dating and relationship activity and frankly it's simply Too Much Information. In fact that's why someone coined the phrase "TMI".

 

But back to your situation. She can't undo or unsay it, so just try to frame it as "everyone has a past" and move on.

i don't want to speak again about this with her because she regret it and make her sad and it's clearly not her problem only mine. i need some advice to stop thinking about it and just enjoy my actual relationship

[faraday]

I'm so thankful for all of the women my husband dated before me...they taught him how to be a great partner for me.

 

If I had dated him before he had dated anyone else, I doubt we would be together...he wouldn't know how truly awesome I am. He knows I'm special because he's tried to have relationships with others...but none of those worked because those women weren't me.

 

And the situation is the same in reverse. I'm a much better partner to/for him because of all of my prior dating experience. I'm much better at conflict resolution, I'm much better at showing my appreciation...I'm not a pushover anymore.

 

So try to think of it that way. Experience is a great thing, it's our only true teacher.

[ParisPaulette]

This really is about flipping the script in your head meaning you stop it with the negative "Oh if only" thoughts, because yes you can control that. IF you choose to do so. In much the same way people overcome smoking or any unwanted habit you can change this thought process if you really want to do so and make a concerted effort to do so. That means every day all the time until you begin to believe it.

 

So whenever "Oh, she slept with someone else" pops into your head say this: "I also slept with somebody else, so neither of us was on the purity wagon when we met. We aren't together, because we wanted to get that done. We're together, because we CHOOSE EACH OTHER NOW." And you repeat that mantra as many times a day, heck write it down where no one else can find it if you need to. And you chant it over and over - especially the neither of you were on the purity wagon when you got together.

 

If you spend all your time looking back at the past then all that tells me is there isn't enough in your life now to keep you so busy you don't have to time to do that. Seriously, get up off the couch and take her out and go out and do things together to strengthen your bond. Find things to get yourself out of your head, because every single one of us can drive ourselves crazy with what if or I wish I had or oh why couldn't....and all that tells me, since it's what it is with me anyways, is that you literally do not have enough to do.

 

Or you wouldn't even be worrying about this, because far bigger more important things would be there instead. Like "How am I gonna ski down that black diamond slope tomorrow without killing myself," or "Oh man, I have got to land this job tomorrow, so I need to practice that interview until I can do it in my sleep." How about, "I want to climb that mountain, just so I can feel good about doing it, so I gotta practice and work up to it every day until I do it, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how exhausted I am doing it."

 

In other words, you need to put yourself some life goals out there and some immediate things you need to accomplish today and tomorrow and the next or you are royally Fed (being kicked out of a house, 'cause you didn't pay rent? Trust me that virginity thing will go away in a big hurry!) So get started getting out of your head and go do things, man. Stop rummaging around to have a problem, because you don't have enough to do. And I'm not trying to rag on you here, I'm telling you a basic truth.

 

And do things with her, join forces in shared hobbies and interests, bond over your life together now and what you are both doing now. And just let it fade, because it will. IF you choose to fill your mind with positive things and activities then trust me the negative ones tend to not stick around as long or as hard. That's how you defeat that.

[lostandhurt]

The first thing you need to do is apologize to your gf for making her feel bad about loosing her virginity to some guy in high school. By you telling her you are having trouble dealing with it you basically told her she is less in your eyes now. How cruel a thing to do to the person you say you love.

 

This is all in your head so stop pushing it onto other people and STOP talking to her mother about it. Spreading this around will not make it better and will only hurt her more and make her feel ashamed of something she doesn't need to feel ashamed about.

 

You are projecting your insecurities onto her and it will eventually end your relationship if you do not get a handle on it soon. You say you love her but do you really? Loving someone is accepting all of them, not picking and choosing.

 

The next time you see her give her a big long hug and tell her you are so very sorry for bringing this up and that she has nothing to be sorry for from her past.

 

We do not get to pick the lives of the people we fall in love with and that is a good thing because their past is what made them the person we love so much.

 

Lost

[nutbrownhare]

Oh dear... punishing her for something which happened before you two were a couple, is nothing to do with you, is something you've done yourself AND discussing it with her mother....

 

All this is stuff you really need to stop doing. In time, she'll get so fed up with it that SHE'LL end the relationship.

 

ParisPaulette's advice is excellent, and if you say to yourself 'WE CHOOSE TO BE TOGETHER NOW" whenever this sort of rubbish starts to raise itself in your mind, you'll find it starts to dispel your troubling thoughts. It is very unfair to blame your girlfriend for the obsessive thoughts inside your own head.