Did going against advice/with you intuition ever do you any favors?

[MUrmillo]

Hi all,

 

It is often told that during break ups your intuition is your worse enemy when it comes to getting your ex back or healing.

 

Did you guys ever do anything against the consensus of what not to do and decide to go with your gut, and getting a positive outcome? For example, writing a letter, initiating contact as a dumpee or whatever.

 

I understand that right after the breakup when emotions are all over the place the safest way to go is to just stick with the advice but what if you are no longer in that needy, desperate place where you cannot make ANY decisions for yourself?

 

1) What did you do and how long after the break up?

 

2) What did you hope to achieve?

 

3) what did you achieve?

[leseine7]

Hmm, I have never heard that saying before: "During break ups your intuition is your worst enemy when it comes to getting your ex back or healing." Can you explain what you mean by this?

 

Intuition is never a worst enemy, in my experience. It usually is the one thing that I don't want to listen to because generally after a break up, it is the one saying "This break up needed to happen and you need to move on." Many people don't like that. You learn to trust that voice, because it is always right.

 

After a break up, I have always worked on myself and done the work needed to move forward. Sometimes that means exercising more, getting together with friends, throwing myself into work, reading, taking time to watch some good old fashioned TV, getting more sleep (because often a break up takes a huge toll on sleep patterns/ diet, etc.). Meditating, praying and journaling also help if that's your thing. And most importantly, staying NO CONTACT, because the more contact there is, the more there is to work on getting over. It's like going back to square one again and again.

 

Getting back together needs to NOT be the goal. First of all, it isn't realistic and most relationships that yo-yo from broken up to back together fail. The goal needs to be to heal, to get stronger, and to learn from it so you can find a better match for you in the future when it's the right time, or be perfectly happy on your own.

 

In my last break up, I knew my ex would happily jump back into contact/ the same song and dance of getting together and breaking up again and again. I no longer wanted it. I had gone against my intuition twice already with him and knew the drill. So instead I asked for No Contact, blocked him everywhere, and did the above things (Exercise, time with friends, sleep, etc.) while I healed. It was the best thing I ever did. I haven't talked to him since and I do not miss him. I'm now in a happy, stable, healthy relationship with someone who is really right for me.

 

Do always listen to your intuition, no matter what "sayings" there are about doing otherwise .

[MUrmillo]

Sorry I wrote it a bit in a hurry and the sentence probably does not make a lot of sense. What I meant to say is that a lot of people make a lot of mistakes after a break up because their intuition tells them to pester, beg and plead with their ex's. The advice here is most of the time to just move on. For me it is just really difficult to believe that it is all so black and white....

 

The thing is, my intuition tells me that there still is a chance for us but it is the advice of others that tell me to stay NC.

 

People say, if they really want to be back with you they will let you know. The thing is, that is just not how my ex works. She NEVER takes risks. She is very very closed and will never 'crack' emotionally. Even when we were together and someone told her I had been seeing someone while I was also seeing her (which was not true) she managed to keep her cool for 2 days before telling me.

 

She did put her foot in the water some weeks ago after not talking for almost 2 months so I don't know what to do...

 

We broke up already 10 months ago, reason of the break up was because I was not helping the relationship forward which made her feelings change and LDR.

[Batya33]

It is not true that she never takes risks. She is your ex because she dated you. Dating someone and getting involved means making yourself vulnerable -that is always an emotional risk. If she knows you are interested in getting back together and that you are prepared to move forward then that is all you need to convey to her. Even if you are right and she is risk-averse she will balance the risk/benefit (just as she did when she dated you).

If she chooses to not to take the risk emotionally of getting back together then contacting her will not change that and likely will make it worse as if she is that closed off as you write she will experience that as clingy/needy -a turn off.

[MUrmillo]

Thank you for your response.

 

She is maybe not emotionally closed off. She is very strong but also very vulnerable and sweet. She is just very afraid to get hurt. I hurt her in the past because she invested way more in our relationship then I did and at some point this started to affect her feelings but she still hoped we would end up together. The problem is that I was going through a medical condition at that time which gave me really bad anxiety. I knew I was feeling different but did not know there was actually something wrong with my hormones. I reacted really really bad to her telling me about her changes feelings because of the anxiety... We went from 'let's see how it goes' to 'it's over now' within 2 months because how I behaved.

 

The thing is she still doesn't know about my medical condition... I feel that if I tell her about it now she will just think it is an excuse...

[Batya33]

"She is just very afraid to get hurt."

Everyone is. People move towards pleasure and away from pain.

It sounds like she chose not to deal with how you subjected her to your anxiety.

[MUrmillo]

True...

 

What hurts the most is that I ruined this relationship. She is an absolute perfect girl inside and out and I ruined it.

I had many limiting beliefs of relationships that made me fear commitment. I was finally starting to let go of this and really wanted to go to the level where she wanted us to be for 2 years and then my health started to me up...

 

At the moment, our values and beliefs have never been more congruent than ever before but I just can't show it to her...

 

Maybe I should just take the risk...

 

I think I am going to ask her to meet after 3 weeks...

[Batya33]

Obviously it's your choice. It does not ring true that you say you cared about her as you did and never told her about your medical condition -sounds like there's more to the story there.

[greta96]

If going against advice/my intuition did me a favor, it was short lived and only gave me a temporary relief.

1. Usually it was about contacting an ex, and it happened a few times, at various intervals after breakups

2. I was hoping to start a conversation with them, leading to getting back together

3. What did end up happening was either a. they would ignore my attempt at contact, b. conversations did ensue, that did not go the way I had wanted and left me even more upset than I'd been or c. in a couple cases we did sort of get back together, but it wasn't the same and it was temporary.

 

I think asking for advice and not following it to the letter is normal, most of us usually ask for advice just to hear a few opinions from people who are not directly involved in the situation, therefore more objective. But it's human nature to want to experience things on our own, and not to just completely trust others' opinions even if we know they are right. We all feel like maybe, just maybe, we'll be the exception, maybe our situations would turn out differently. We all need to at least give it our best shot.

[MUrmillo]

Obviously it's your choice. It does not ring true that you say you cared about her as you did and never told her about your medical condition -sounds like there's more to the story there.

 

True...

I knew there was something wrong. Went to several doctors last year when we were still together. All told me there was nothing wrong. It was only six months after our break up that I had my hormones tested and really found out what was wrong...

[Wolfshook]

Everybody told me "blpck her". It took me months and countless wound rubbing by her untill I decided to do so and I immefiately felt better.

[Batya33]

True...

I knew there was something wrong. Went to several doctors last year when we were still together. All told me there was nothing wrong. It was only six months after our break up that I had my hormones tested and really found out what was wrong...

 

The problem remains that even if she knows what it was she still knows you chose to behave as you did. It might help her see what you went through but I'm not sure it would make much of a difference.

[Wiseman2]

I don't go by consensus, but common sense. For example, if something is futile after reasonable attempts, I stop.

 

In my mind I have algorithms of all the potential outcomes for things, not just those I wish for. It's like a flight plan...you have to plan for any potential outcome but you prepare to land according to plan. Probability, of course, is a statistical likelihood that something may happen.

 

For example she gets the letter and;

laughs

burns it

reacts with hostility

gets a restraining order

tells all her friends

posts it on social media, it goes viral

sends polite breadcrumbs and more excuses

Rarely...responds by wishing for reconciliation

For example, writing a letter, initiating contact as a dumpee or whatever.

[DancingFool]

Chasing, writing letters, contacting, sending gifts, etc, etc, etc - that's not intuition, that's desperation and acting on the compulsion to do anything you can think of to try and get your ex back.

 

Of course people will tell you don't do it because most everyone knows from experience that it's an act of futility. Most people will also balance doing something against self control and arriving at a point where they can say "well I did try a bit, but now it's time to move forward and accept things are over."

[katara42]

Chasing, writing letters, contacting, sending gifts, etc, etc, etc - that's not intuition, that's desperation and acting on the compulsion to do anything you can think of to try and get your ex back.

 

Of course people will tell you don't do it because most everyone knows from experience that it's an act of futility. Most people will also balance doing something against self control and arriving at a point where they can say "well I did try a bit, but now it's time to move forward and accept things are over."

That speaks to me, "well I tried." I've done everything I'm willing to do and now I have to be at peace. I hope you can find your peace. Getting back together was a terrible idea. I felt just like you the first time. Maybe that's why second times are so easy to leave. You might see nothing has changed. if you were clear enough to breakup once on what you wanted and what you could offer, it's easy the second time cause you've already done it. Had all the fights, thought all the thoughts, got clear on why it didn't work... the work is done. Got my answer.

 

As much as I wish my reconciliation had worked out, and I'm glad I tried, gotta say that there's only very few exceptions and she sounds like she has other priorities that have nothing to do with love, just crappy circumstances. I can't imagine what she is going through. I have no idea what to suggest you do.