Girlfriend can't handle it anymore and wants to breakup

[bowen]

Okay so my girlfriend and I have been dating for just over a year and we really do love each other but there is one big problem and that is me but there is many factors to this problem as I will illustrate.

 

Once during our time together she broke up with me because she could not handle the pressure of her mental health condition, school and work at the same time... she broke down mentally. I really tried hard to be attentive during this time but she told me I wasn't attentive to her and didn't show her I loved her. Not just that when she broke up she said some things that really got to me although sort of true about me hurt my self-esteem although shortly later she realized she made a mistake and we got back together.

 

The problem is since then on I haven't trusted her and the things she said has made me feel insecure, I am generally not an insecure guy at all but with the whole way everything went down made me feel low about myself. So in here lies the problem, now I get concerned if she doesn't text me or text me back within a certain amount of time because I think she will leave me again and that she is slowly losing interest feeding into my cycle of insecurity she sometimes makes statements that prove my assertion like today. It is almost like I'm constantly looking for something to go wrong and protect myself from the pain again, therefore I verbally lash out sometimes and show I don't trust her. She says she can't deal with it which I know I am aware of my problems and I know I need to fix them. But what hurts me the most is she owns up to nothing and thinks she has no factor to play in me being insecure, she was a precipitating factor how can she not see that. Also, when she feels insecure about something I don't make her feel worse by saying that I'm just being insecure in a demeaning tone instead I try to help her through things. I have helped her throughout in our time together and I just wish she understood that. The main point is I really do love her and I want our relationship to work. I know she has faults but overall I love being with her. I once thought I knew she loved me and she broke that, I want to believe she loves me now but she is saying she can't do this much longer.

 

How do I fight insecurity as well as communicate problems with her in a thoughtful manner that evokes compassion from both ends? Please help

 

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. She's not ready, willing or able to have a relationship, she has too many problems and too much going on in her life. How old is she? Does she live with her parents?

 

The last thing she needs is someone suffocating her and lashing out at her. It sounds like you have issues with being a bit controlling and abusive and you need counseling for that. Because she should in fact break up with you for that.

 

You need to lay way back get a grip and stop trying to control her or be a pretend therapist. Take a break and work on yourself. .This is toxic for both of you.

she broke up with me because she could not handle the pressure of her mental health condition, school and work at the same time... she broke down mentally. I get concerned if she doesn't text me or text me back within a certain amount of time .I verbally lash out sometimes and show I don't trust her. I'm just being insecure in a demeaning tone instead I try to help her through thingsShe says she can't deal with it. now but she is saying she can't do this much longer.

[Capricorn3]

The problem is since then on I haven't trusted her - So in here lies the problem, now I get concerned if she doesn't text me or text me back within a certain amount of time because I think she will leave me again It is almost like I'm constantly looking for something to go wrong therefore I verbally lash out sometimes and show I don't trust her. She says she can't deal with it which I know I am aware of my problems and I know I need to fix them.

 

she is saying she can't do this much longer.

 

How do I fight insecurity as well as communicate problems with her in a thoughtful manner that evokes compassion from both ends?

Note, your insecurities are your own issues. Don't blame her. I can understand why she says she can't do this anymore - it is really hard living with someone who is constantly insecure and needy etc. It gets exhausting.

 

I can only suggest try counseling/therapy to help you overcome your issues.

[bowen]

Note, your insecurities are your own issues. Don't blame her. I can understand why she says she can't do this anymore - it is really hard living with someone who is constantly insecure and needy etc. It gets exhausting.

 

I can only suggest try counseling/therapy to help you overcome your issues.

 

That's victim blaming, that's like blaming a victim for a rape. Are their issues their own or caused use that same method and apply it to her calling me things and abandoning me which lead to the insecurity. I was not insecure before this happened. Simple cause and effect. Thank you for your advice but please don't victim blame. Thank you

[bowen]

Sorry to hear this. She's not ready, willing or able to have a relationship, she has too many problems and too much going on in her life. How old is she? Does she live with her parents?

 

The last thing she needs is someone suffocating her and lashing out at her. It sounds like you have issues with being a bit controlling and abusive and you need counseling for that. Because she should in fact break up with you for that.

 

You need to lay way back get a grip and stop trying to control her or be a pretend therapist. Take a break and work on yourself. .This is toxic for both of you.

 

She's 21 and lives with her parents. I really try to control my emotions but it comes to a head when she makes those kind of comments, I will never step into abusive territory. Thank you for suggesting a therapist

[bowen]

Note, your insecurities are your own issues. Don't blame her. I can understand why she says she can't do this anymore - it is really hard living with someone who is constantly insecure and needy etc. It gets exhausting.

 

I can only suggest try counseling/therapy to help you overcome your issues.

 

Furthermore, applicable to a more noticeable case so is not being able to trust a cheater ( note she didn't cheat just example) for example an insecurity issue or the fact that you were victimized

[browser]

You need to get to a place where you aren't worried and anxious about her leaving you. You need to learn to be secure enough in your own mind that the thought of suddenly not having her in your life brings you to pieces. This is on you, and no one else, and you need to realize that you are over reacting to her words said to you during a time of anger and distress, and your response has nothing whatsoever to do with her. I think you sense it, you partially acknowledge it, but you don't really accept it. At least, not yet.

[jah123]

Insecurity can really ruin a relationship..I've been throught this couple of times in my life.

 

You're insecure because you don't value yourself. And why is that? Why do you feel that you're worse than her? You're not, my friend. You're a perfectly normal dude.

 

Let's perform an exercise now. Imagine her breaking up with you(well she already did that, but just imagine)

What happens with you? You're still yourself, you are still a normal guy like you were before you met her. You do your things, you care for yourself, you live your own life.

You see, my friend, women don't really like needy, clingy and insecure man. It's just their nature. Naturally, they want a strong man to take her of them, of kids, home, etc. Because this is man's role in a relationship: to be strong, responsible, and not clingy and insecure. It's just nature and we can't do nothing about it. It happened to me twice. Girls broke up with me because of my insecurities and only recently I've discovered that what I was doing(i was being clingy, needy, insecure) was wrong and it was pushing my ex gf's away from me.

 

You really need to work on your trust issues. The best thing is not to get too emotionally attached at the beginning of a relationship. You always have to show that you're independent, that you have your own life and you can live without a girl. You always need to have your own things to do in life. Don't focus all your attention on a women. Just be yourself and let her be addition to your life(and also let you be addition to her life). This is the real key: to remain focused on your life and be independent.

[bowen]

Insecurity can really ruin a relationship..I've been throught this couple of times in my life.

 

You're insecure because you don't value yourself. And why is that? Why do you feel that you're worse than her? You're not, my friend. You're a perfectly normal dude.

 

Let's perform an exercise now. Imagine her breaking up with you(well she already did that, but just imagine)

What happens with you? You're still yourself, you are still a normal guy like you were before you met her. You do your things, you care for yourself, you live your own life.

You see, my friend, women don't really like needy, clingy and insecure man. It's just their nature. Naturally, they want a strong man to take her of them, of kids, home, etc. Because this is man's role in a relationship: to be strong, responsible, and not clingy and insecure. It's just nature and we can't do nothing about it. It happened to me twice. Girls broke up with me because of my insecurities and only recently I've discovered that what I was doing(i was being clingy, needy, insecure) was wrong and it was pushing my ex gf's away from me.

 

You really need to work on your trust issues. The best thing is not to get too emotionally attached at the beginning of a relationship. You always have to show that you're independent, that you have your own life and you can live without a girl. You always need to have your own things to do in life. Don't focus all your attention on a women. Just be yourself and let her be addition to your life(and also let you be addition to her life). This is the real key: to remain focused on your life and be independent.

 

First of all thanks for your comments. I totally agree with all of what you are saying, the weird thing is I have a very busy life with large goals and ambitions and independence and weirdly I still have time to be insecure. My question is other than seeing a therapist, what are some techniques I can use to overcome trust and insecurity issues

[Wiseman2]

A qualified therapist will point out that someone breaking up with you because they are overwhelmed or whatever is not being victimized or akin to being raped.

 

People have the right to take breaks or break up. She did not assault or rape you. You are not a victim.

 

When you go to therapy they will also work on your attachment anxiety and abandonment problems. That will help you in future relationships not to be possessive, controlling, suffocating and lash out in an infantile way.

 

Once you have insight into these and begin perceiving things in a healthy normal way, life won't hurt so much and you'll be able to cope with life better all the way around.

Furthermore, applicable to a more noticeable case so is not being able to trust a cheater ( note she didn't cheat just example) for example an insecurity issue or the fact that you were victimized

[jah123]

There are no techniques. It's all in your head, it's all about your attitude. Nothing else. You just need to change your approach.

Im curious..Why you don't trust? Was there any particular situation in your life that made you lose your trust and become insecure? Becuase there have been a few situations like this in my life and I'm wondering what was the reason for you.

[bowen]

A qualified therapist will point out that someone breaking up with you because they are overwhelmed or whatever is not being victimized or akin to being raped.

 

People have the right to take breaks or break up. She did not assault or rape you. You are not a victim.

 

When you go to therapy they will also work on your attachment anxiety and abandonment problems. That will help you in future relationships not to be possessive, controlling, suffocating and lash out in an infantile way.

 

Once you have insight into these and begin perceiving things in a healthy normal way, life won't hurt so much and you'll be able to cope with life better all the way around.

 

See I want go to a therapist but obviously there is economic barriers to seeing one. I'm just fresh out university and I'm paying back loans and my rent and I'm working really hard and don't have any money unfortunately to put towards that yet

[bowen]

There are no techniques. It's all in your head, it's all about your attitude. Nothing else. You just need to change your approach.

Im curious..Why you don't trust? Was there any particular situation in your life that made you lose your trust and become insecure? Becuase there have been a few situations like this in my life and I'm wondering what was the reason for you.

 

I think I stated in the first post, correct me if I'm wrong? The insecurity issues were directly related to the breakup and what she told me and expected of me. See expected so much of me, nothing was ever too much from her end but if I have some problem it's a big deal. When she broke up with me she said somethings that were negative about myself that really struck a nerve with me

[Capricorn3]

That's victim blaming, that's like blaming a victim for a rape. Are their issues their own or caused use that same method and apply it to her calling me things and abandoning me which lead to the insecurity. I was not insecure before this happened. Simple cause and effect. Thank you for your advice but please don't victim blame. Thank you

 

Excuse me? This is nothing even remotely "blaming the victim". This is solely your own issue. Your own insecurity. Sure, she may well have her own problems (we all do), but this one is on you. Your response to her words has got nothing to do with her. You have choices in how to react.

I reiterate my first post - I think therapy will be beneficial to you.

[bowen]

Excuse me? This is nothing even remotely "blaming the victim". This is solely your own issue. Your own insecurity. Sure, she may well have her own problems (we all do), but this one is on you. Your response to her words has got nothing to do with her. You have choices in how to react.

I reiterate my first post - I think therapy will be beneficial to you.

 

So what your saying is other people's actions in a relationship such as borderline emotional abuse in those comments, has no effect on our mental well being. Just trying to clarify here

[Capricorn3]

I give up. Try reading all the other responses in your thread again - they seem to have got it right.

[bowen]

I give up. Try reading all the other responses in your thread again - they seem to have got it right.

 

I'm just trying to understand and your taking it the wrong way, does other people's words affect our mental well being? In regards to your post you are saying it is entirely my choice how I feel, wheras I agree I have control to a certain degree if someone says something bad about you, you will feel bad. Especially if it is someone you love

[Wiseman2]

Since you both find each other toxic and you admit it's toxic, then a break is in order, no? They evacuated Chernobyl, right?

 

Neither of you have a good effect on the other. That's why it's not working and you are both unhappy and "can't take it much longer".

other people's actions in a relationship such as borderline emotional abuse in those comments, has no effect on our mental well being.

[bowen]

See I think the general theme is I have some deeper trust issue from childhood or from past relationships which both are untrue, or at least I can't see where that would have occurred. Also, to support my hypothesis as to it is directly related to what she said, I have never felt this way before including before she broke up with me the first time

[bowen]

Since you both find each other toxic and you admit it's toxic, then a break is in order, no? They evacuated Chernobyl, right?

 

Neither of you have a good effect on the other. That's why it's not working and you are both unhappy and "can't take it much longer".

 

Quite possible, the thing is I still love her and I love the good times. I love being with her, laughing, talking, and all the other stuff. I am a commitment oriented guy and I am going to try to make this work because I owe it to myself and her

[boltnrun]

How you feel cannot necessarily be controlled. How you CHOOSE to react can be controlled, however.

 

When my coworker says something that gets me angry I can lash out with a string of curse words, or I can respond professionally.

 

When the man I'm dating says something insensitive I can retort back with an insult, or I can tell him he's being insensitive and ask him to stop. Lashing out will not result in anything positive.

 

And if you believe you have the right to lash out because she "made" you feel bad, you can't be surprised when she chooses to stay away from you.

[MissCanuck]

You might indeed have deeper issues, but you're not wrong to worry that she will leave again. In my experience, people who get overwhelmed like she did are very likely to do it again. So unless she seeks help for her own problems, this will probably repeat itself. You too can also seek out better coping tools; however, it doesn't necessarily mean that this will prevent another break-up.

 

I would be very cautious taking this relationship further. You two don't have a very solid bond, unfortunately.

[leseine7]

I think this thread got a little confusing for you, OP, but first off I offer my sympathies as someone who also felt very badly effected by the words and actions of an ex in the past. I'm sorry you've been hurting and struggling, and while I think some things made you a little defensive on this thread, I wanted to provide an insight (meant with kindness):

 

Of course someone's words and actions can have a strong effect on you, so I do not believe anyone is disputing that your girlfriend has caused you significant pain with hers.

 

But I have to echo the comments by others on this thread that you choose how you handle this treatment and what you let it do to you. I was a rape victim, for instance (since you used this as an example earlier) and it made me feel traumatised for a very long time, but my issues with sex and dating after the fact were MINE to handle and deal with, and I could only blame my assaulter for the facts (what he did to me). He was punished and found guilty by the justice system in our town (and had three other counts against him), so he was forced to deal with his actions and then I was forced to deal with MYSELF after the fact. This meant that I needed therapy, needed to grapple with the pain it ignited within me and the damage it did to my self-esteem as well. But I did, and I can honestly say it all made me stronger.

 

"That's victim blaming, that's like blaming a victim for a rape. Are their issues their own or caused use that same method and apply it to her calling me things and abandoning me which lead to the insecurity. I was not insecure before this happened. Simple cause and effect. Thank you for your advice but please don't victim blame. Thank you"

 

...So, okay, first of all you need to leave this relationship if you are comparing your girlfriend's actions with a sexual offence. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, but if you can acknowledge that the words she said damaged you and you can't get over that, then you need to take control rather than dwell on it. She already apologised and you guys continued to date, so while yes it sucks she hurt you, you're continuing a relationship with her in spite of carrying some real resentment about those times and blaming her for any consequential low self esteem you have.

 

You treat others how to treat you. If she has hurt you this badly, you are sending a message that you'll accept the treatment by continuing a relationship and continuing to feel miserable rather than do something about it. My advice would be to take a big break, seek therapy (not because it's just what everyone else is saying or because there's anything 'wrong' with you or how you are feeling, but because it WORKS, it helps, and it can give you tools to move forward), and date again when you feel like the self-esteem issues are in a better place.

 

Hope this helped a little, and sending you good vibes! Stay strong!

[Wiseman2]

If she states "she can't take it any longer" and you continue the insecure, controlling behaviors she will break up with you.

She says she can't deal with it which I know I am aware of my problems and I know I need to fix them. now but she is saying she can't do this much longer.

[bowen]

I think this thread got a little confusing for you, OP, but first off I offer my sympathies as someone who also felt very badly effected by the words and actions of an ex in the past. I'm sorry you've been hurting and struggling, and while I think some things made you a little defensive on this thread, I wanted to provide an insight (meant with kindness):

 

Of course someone's words and actions can have a strong effect on you, so I do not believe anyone is disputing that your girlfriend has caused you significant pain with hers.

 

But I have to echo the comments by others on this thread that you choose how you handle this treatment and what you let it do to you. I was a rape victim, for instance (since you used this as an example earlier) and it made me feel traumatised for a very long time, but my issues with sex and dating after the fact were MINE to handle and deal with, and I could only blame my assaulter for the facts (what he did to me). He was punished and found guilty by the justice system in our town (and had three other counts against him), so he was forced to deal with his actions and then I was forced to deal with MYSELF after the fact. This meant that I needed therapy, needed to grapple with the pain it ignited within me and the damage it did to my self-esteem as well. But I did, and I can honestly say it all made me stronger.

 

"That's victim blaming, that's like blaming a victim for a rape. Are their issues their own or caused use that same method and apply it to her calling me things and abandoning me which lead to the insecurity. I was not insecure before this happened. Simple cause and effect. Thank you for your advice but please don't victim blame. Thank you"

 

...So, okay, first of all you need to leave this relationship if you are comparing your girlfriend's actions with a sexual offence. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, but if you can acknowledge that the words she said damaged you and you can't get over that, then you need to take control rather than dwell on it. She already apologised and you guys continued to date, so while yes it sucks she hurt you, you're continuing a relationship with her in spite of carrying some real resentment about those times and blaming her for any consequential low self esteem you have.

 

You treat others how to treat you. If she has hurt you this badly, you are sending a message that you'll accept the treatment by continuing a relationship and continuing to feel miserable rather than do something about it. My advice would be to take a big break, seek therapy (not because it's just what everyone else is saying or because there's anything 'wrong' with you or how you are feeling, but because it WORKS, it helps, and it can give you tools to move forward), and date again when you feel like the self-esteem issues are in a better place.

 

Hope this helped a little, and sending you good vibes! Stay strong!

 

Thank you so much for the advice and kind words. One thing to address I want to see a therapist but I need to get my economic situation under control first. Second, I totally understand tat I should probably take a break, but I really want this to work. I love her and I made a commitment to really make an effort to try and make this work. Therefore, I want to work through it will while with her. That would be ideal for me, I know she said some bad things but truly I do think she is a good person underneath all of her problems. I just can't stand to see her go away maybe I foolish but it's how I feel