Dating etiquette - what to do?

[katrina1980]

"People will make an effort to stay in touch if/when interested."

 

Agree^.

 

Not sure if you read my further posts, (read my response to notalady for example), but we agree on some of your other points too.

 

And not really talking about a few hours, which is perfectly fine! I was talking about waiting days, like the OP's guy is doing. Most recently two days.

 

If she were to mirror him and respond back in two days, that is the day of their next date, which she might want confirmed before then. She expressed concern about that also in her original post.

 

I think if a woman (or man if roles are flipped) is genuinely busy and can't respond back for a day, that is fine and different from waiting specifically cause she is following some rule she read in an advice book.

 

I am not so much into following what is "conventionally" correct.

 

I do what I think is best in a particular situation, which works out very well for me.

 

I am extremely intuitive and perceptive and can suss out a situation fairly easily.

 

I guess for those who don't have that ability, these advice books and "rules* are good and serve a purpose.

 

To use as a guide .. so as to determine what is the best course of action in a given situation.

 

Since every situation is different with different circumstances and people involved ..... following these rules to the letter, isn't always best.

 

But you made good points, thanks!

[Broomwood]

Thanks everybody for their views! Really appreciate the discussion here!

 

Ok, so I texted him the same day and ditched the mirroring game. He responded quite quickly, this morning, and we had a little exchange. Mostly details and times of the venue. We are going climbing and then for dinner. What i didn't like is that he kept saying how he is secretly excited about going climbing. And how he is excited to do new things. I made a joke which was perfectly timed and witty, saying, something like "Poor date. She should change the venue to place the excitement where it belongs!" with a grin at the end. But then, of course, sent him details of the climbing place. The response was flat one line "thanks, look forward to it". He ignored the joke entirely. I mean we all want to be funny and others whom we like, to at least notice our jokes if not laugh at them.

 

Not happy about it, and am less looking forward to the date. And thinking how to be back in the good and playful mood.

[Batya33]

Remember -this is texting - perhaps he read it quickly and focused on whether there was a change in plans.

[j.man]

Wait, what was the joke?

[katrina1980]

Great that you ditched the mirroring thing, and did what you thought was best in that situation.

 

The fact he replied back quickly shows you *did* do the right thing, what was best.

 

Not quite getting the joke though, he said something positive -- that he is excited to go climbing with you and do new things.

 

Sounds like you interpreted that as a negative? Suggesting, as a joke, that you should have suggested something more exciting?

 

He was excited.

 

Not getting it, but maybe I am slow in the joke department today. Lol

 

Have fun Saturday!

[Batya33]

I agree -you didn't joke - you texted a short sentence with a grin in the middle of a factual message - you saw it as "perfectly timed and witty" but it wasn't timed - it was a text that might have been read then or hours later out of context. Joke with him in person or during a phone conversation and see how that goes.

[Broomwood]

Wait, what was the joke?

 

I mean it's funny that a guy seems more interested in a climbing wall than in his date. No? Or do you think that it's rather a reason to start crying?

[Batya33]

I mean it's funny that a guy seems more interested in a climbing wall than in his date. No? Or do you think that it's rather a reason to start crying?

 

Here are the problems - you don't know him well enough to know each other's senses of humor to that level of subtlety - especially on text. Also he probably typed that really fast so when he saw what you wrote he didn't connect it up and it was typed and an attempt at sarcasm -not a great combo.

 

I think it's great that he's enthusiastic about the activity and great that you two came up with that idea. My husband and I started texting in the last 6 months (yup, it's true -before then we had flip phones and a limited texting plan!) - we've known each other for over 20 years, been together over half of that time and have tons of inside jokes and acronyms pre-dating cell phones so I can send him an inside joke acronym and he gets it.

 

When we were first dating he thought it was HILARIOUS to forward me the same work email 5 times (we worked for the same company) because of an all caps typo in the subject line that kept reappearing each time the person revised her email. He didn't realize that every time he did that my screen froze until I clicked on that same darn email and I was working on a deadline and emailing with my supervisor.

But even today after 8 years of marriage we still don't always get each other's jokes, especially on text despite having a great time cracking up and coming up with more and more inside jokes. I think compatible senses of humor are essential and the best way to see if you click that way is in person.

[Sportster2005]

Texting and email lack tone and body language, making them extremely poor media for humor. Things get misinterpreted the best of times through text, trying to pull off timing and subtly in a text is almost impossible. Try to make funny face to face.

[katrina1980]

Texting and email lack tone and body language, making them extremely poor media for humor. Things get misinterpreted the best of times through text, trying to pull off timing and subtly in a text is almost impossible. Try to make funny face to face.

 

Agree that is very often the case, but not always.

 

Speaking personally, my bf (and bfs before him) always joke/joked around via our texts and emails. We make it fun.

 

Agree you can't gauge body language or inflection of voice, but I think when two people actually "get" each other and click, they can pick up on each other's jokes and humor especially when you insert an LOL or XD or emoji at the end reflecting that it was, in fact, made to be funny and light-hearted.

 

I dunno, it works for me and the guys I interact with, my current and I have a lot of fun emailing back and forth sometimes.

 

Joking, teasing and the like. But we really "get" each other, and did pretty much from the getgo. Maybe that's why.

 

Everyone has a different experience with it I guess.

 

My experience with messaging is obviously very different from others on this thread, which is OKAY.

 

Re the OP's guy I think he was being positive (or meant it as a positive), and she interpreted it as negative and responded with sarcasm (disguised as a "joke"), which he either didn't appreciate or didn't get.

 

Given his response, I vote for he didn't appreciate it, but without knowing him, that's just a guess.

[Broomwood]

Thanks everybody for your replies! Once again much appreciated. Cheered up by them, I won't attach much meaning to it other than the humour wasn't understood because facial and body cues were lacking. In my case, there is another twist - cultural and linguistic differences, which make it more complicated when we only start getting to know each other.

[notalady]

Other than the lack of tone and body language in texts, also consider that some people read a joke and have a chuckle and not write that in text, so the other person doesn't really know what was the reaction. Some people I know have great sense of humour in person, but not so in text.

 

But to be brutally honest, I didn't find the joke funny or well timed, I thought it was a bit passive aggressive, aimed at pointing out he's more enthusiastic about the climbing more than the date itself (which by the way you don't really know to be true, as it could've also been a miscommunication due to texting).

[katrina1980]

Other than the lack of tone and body language in texts, also consider that some people read a joke and have a chuckle and not write that in text, so the other person doesn't really know what was the reaction. Some people I know have great sense of humour in person, but not so in text.

 

But to be brutally honest, I didn't find the joke funny or well timed, I thought it was a bit passive aggressive, aimed at pointing out he's more enthusiastic about the climbing more than the date itself (which by the way you don't really know to be true, as it could've also been a miscommunication due to texting).

 

I'm gonna have to agree with notalady again and acknowledge (finally! LOL) that no matter how well two people click and "get" each other's humor or whatevs, many things can get misinterpreted and misunderstood when texting, which leads to miscommunication. Especially during early stages.

 

I have had that happen lots of times, which is when I will pick up the phone and call to clarify.

 

I have even made the mistake of dumping (or almost dumping) a few guys due to a misunderstanding while texting.

 

I think it's good for fun, flirty, light-hearted exchanges, assuming you're both into that, but for more serious discussions, or if you're unsure how someone might interpret something, best to save for phone or ideally IN PERSON.

 

Agree OP's "joke" was a bit on the passive-aggressive side. That's the first thing I thought of when reading it.

 

But hopefully that will all be 'water under the bridge' come Saturday when they see each other in person.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks everybody for their views! Really appreciate the discussion here!

 

Ok, so I texted him the same day and ditched the mirroring game. He responded quite quickly, this morning, and we had a little exchange. Mostly details and times of the venue. We are going climbing and then for dinner. What i didn't like is that he kept saying how he is secretly excited about going climbing. And how he is excited to do new things. I made a joke which was perfectly timed and witty, saying, something like "Poor date. She should change the venue to place the excitement where it belongs!" with a grin at the end. But then, of course, sent him details of the climbing place. The response was flat one line "thanks, look forward to it". He ignored the joke entirely. I mean we all want to be funny and others whom we like, to at least notice our jokes if not laugh at them.

 

Not happy about it, and am less looking forward to the date. And thinking how to be back in the good and playful mood.

 

Look at the words you are using in describing texts: perfectly timed, witty, flat, ignored.

 

If you actually want to learn how to date, focus on doing it in person. Don't use text as a way to "flirt" or "get to know someone" but to facilitate in person dates.

[Ms Darcy]

Texting and email lack tone and body language, making them extremely poor media for humor. Things get misinterpreted the best of times through text, trying to pull off timing and subtly in a text is almost impossible. Try to make funny face to face.

 

This is why it is annoying that people (including most posters here) push texting so hard as a part of dating. It's encouraging such misunderstandings.