Dating etiquette - what to do?

[Broomwood]

Started dating this new guy whom I met on a dating app. We have had one date, and are going to have another one on Saturday. In between we've been exchanging text messages, though substantial ones. The thing is his responding is sporadic. True, he's busy and has been travelling all week, but at the same time as he takes two days to reply to me, he is being active on that dating app.

 

I understand that at this stage people are still shopping around, and that's fine. However, how do I exactly continue? So far I've been reciprocating: he takes one day to reply, I take one day to reply, he replies within a few hours, I do the same. But now as only got his reply after two days, if I wait two days, it's Saturday, the date. So if I don't answer till then, he may think that I am flaking.

 

The guy is a good catch, and I suppose is in high demand. What shall I do, and how to approach that kind of sporadic communication in future?

[Wiseman2]

Don't worry about the text times after one date.

 

However do quickly confirm Sat. by texting "Looking forward to this Sat".

 

Stop all texting otherwise particularly "substantial" texts. Texting is for info, not building a relationship in lieu of dating.

 

He could be texting from the toilet of a pub while on another date, so quantity of texts or response time is meaningless without the reinforcement of wanting to see you in person on dates.

We have had one date, and are going to have another one on Saturday. The thing is his responding is sporadic.he is being active on that dating app.

[Broomwood]

Wiseman, very good points. Thanks a lot!

[ParisPaulette]

Stop putting time on massive texts and ascribing anything at all to his lag in responding. You two haven't even gone out on a date yet, so this is putting the horse wayyyyy before you even know if a) that date is gonna happen or b) you'll even want another date or get one if it does happen.

 

Texting so much creates a false sense of intimacy and knowing a person, so stop using it on strangers (which is what he is yes) other than to set up basic details like do you have enough in common to establish a date to meet. His sporadic response means he's busy and isn't glued to his dang phone 24/7. That's actually a good thing, take a page out of his book and don't invest yourself before you even see in person for yourself who this person is and/or if there is any reason to even continue to see them.

 

You will be much less disappointed and you won't be jumping at shadows that aren't even there yet. Respond to his communications with brief answers and just use texting to confirm your date and where to meet, etc.

 

P.S. I always considered it a bad thing when someone would want to text me and do it continuously. To me it was, "Uh-oh, this person appears to have no life and I'm the only game in town. That's not a good thing." I don't think I ever had a good relationship come out of a constant texter. In person meetings are what counts, phone calls meh, after you get to know each other. Texting is simply to set up when and where to meet or let someone know you're late or work is available to be picked up.

 

Don't use it at all to gauge interest, because it won't tell you anything.

[Edmund Exley]

Started dating this new guy whom I met on a dating app. We have had one date, and are going to have another one on Saturday. In between we've been exchanging text messages, though substantial ones. The thing is his responding is sporadic. True, he's busy and has been travelling all week, but at the same time as he takes two days to reply to me, he is being active on that dating app.

 

I understand that at this stage people are still shopping around, and that's fine. However, how do I exactly continue? So far I've been reciprocating: he takes one day to reply, I take one day to reply, he replies within a few hours, I do the same. But now as only got his reply after two days, if I wait two days, it's Saturday, the date. So if I don't answer till then, he may think that I am flaking.

 

The guy is a good catch, and I suppose is in high demand. What shall I do, and how to approach that kind of sporadic communication in future?

 

Respond like you would to anyone else.

[Broomwood]

Stop putting time on massive texts and ascribing anything at all to his lag in responding. You two haven't even gone out on a date yet, so this is putting the horse wayyyyy before you even know if a) that date is gonna happen or b) you'll even want another date or get one if it does happen.

 

Texting so much creates a false sense of intimacy and knowing a person, so stop using it on strangers (which is what he is yes) other than to set up basic details like do you have enough in common to establish a date to meet. His sporadic response means he's busy and isn't glued to his dang phone 24/7. That's actually a good thing, take a page out of his book and don't invest yourself before you even see in person for yourself who this person is and/or if there is any reason to even continue to see them.

 

You will be much less disappointed and you won't be jumping at shadows that aren't even there yet. Respond to his communications with brief answers and just use texting to confirm your date and where to meet, etc.

 

P.S. I always considered it a bad thing when someone would want to text me and do it continuously. To me it was, "Uh-oh, this person appears to have no life and I'm the only game in town. That's not a good thing." I don't think I ever had a good relationship come out of a constant texter. In person meetings are what counts, phone calls meh, after you get to know each other. Texting is simply to set up when and where to meet or let someone know you're late or work is available to be picked up.

 

Don't use it at all to gauge interest, because it won't tell you anything.

 

This is not what I said. And neither did I say that I was texting him too much. Let alone all day. Skimming needs to be done with measure just as texting.

[katrina1980]

 

I understand that at this stage people are still shopping around, and that's fine. However, how do I exactly continue? So far I've been reciprocating: he takes one day to reply, I take one day to reply, he replies within a few hours, I do the same. But now as only got his reply after two days, if I wait two days, it's Saturday, the date. So if I don't answer till then, he may think that I am flaking.

 

The guy is a good catch, and I suppose is in high demand. What shall I do, and how to approach that kind of sporadic communication in future?

 

I know many people feel differently about this but personally, I respond back whenever I want to.

 

I don't play the "mirroring" game because he will notice, "mirror" back, then you mirror back, rinse repeat..... and you are left with what's happening now.

 

Two people who haven't developed an easy flow of communication with each other.

 

So I don't play that game.

 

I have better results when I DON'T mirror back, for example even if he takes a day to respond, if I am available to chat I will respond back within the hour.

 

Then maybe since he notices I don't play the mirroring game, he will respond back to me in 30 minutes, after which we have a nice easy flow, exchanging fun flirty texts!!

 

Teach him through example.

 

I dunno, works for me!

[katrina1980]

Broomwood to add to my above post, if it were me I would respond back later today or tonight and at the end say "looking for forward to seeing you Saturday!"

 

My advice is to stop playing the mirroring game, it just serves no good purpose and only causes confusion and anxiety.

 

Not sure why you feel you have to resort to that anyway. A man who is interested is gonna love that you are your own person who doesn't follow arbitrary "rules" such as this.

 

Have fun on your next date!

[katrina1980]

 

Texting so much creates a false sense of intimacy and knowing a person, so stop using it on strangers (which is what he is yes) other than to set up basic details like do you have enough in common to establish a date to meet.

 

PP, I believe they have gone on a date (her original post), so he's not a total stranger. They are two people who had a great first date, have a second lined up, and are in the process of getting to know each other.

 

In between, I think exchanging a few fun flirty texts/email is a great way to continue getting to know each other, until the next date.

 

And it doesn't always create a "false sense of intimacy." Sometimes it does, but as long as the exchanges are light, fun and flirty, messaging can be a lot of fun!

 

No all day, every day but a few here and there serves to keep the connection alive until you meet again.

 

Responding with brief answers = dull, boring, aloof. Nothing positive will result from that at all. No one appreciates that sort of aloofness, especially in these very early stages of dating. In fact, can get turned off by it in many cases.

 

The only purpose responding with brief one word or one sentence answers will serve is it may cause him to think she is not all that interested, or has no personality, after which whatever connection they've developed up till that point flies right out the window.

[Broomwood]

Hey Katrina, thanks so much for your answers. I do agree with you on the importance of keeping the connection alive here and there, if we can. I also think it gives us a chance to get to know each other. For example, this guy is relating very well to something I say, it warms my heart to know that he has empathy and sympathy. The other guy would just "ah hah, got it" "ugh, ok" and I would feel like he is not participating and not relating to what I am saying.

 

Why the mirroring game. I picked it up from Why Men Marry Bit-ch-es, but never really had a chance to use, there was no need. Until this time when I test drove it to the cul-de-sac.

 

And I do appreciate all the discussion here!

[katrina1980]

Hey Katrina, thanks so much for your answers. I do agree with you on the importance of keeping the connection alive here and there, if we can. I also think it gives us a chance to get to know each other. For example, this guy is relating very well to something I say, it warms my heart to know that he has empathy and sympathy. The other guy would just "ah hah, got it" "ugh, ok" and I would feel like he is not participating and not relating to what I am saying.

 

Why the mirroring game. I picked it up from Why Men Marry Bit-ch-es, but never really had a chance to use, there was no need. Until this time when I test drove it to the cul-de-sac.

 

 

I read that book too. Much of what's written in there comes second nature to me anyway (more or less) and heck I am enough of a b-itch (as described in the book...lol) without following "rules" and adding the mirroring game to the equation!

 

My rule is I DON'T follow rules, I do what comes naturally for me, which fortunately is much the same as what is written in the book. Standing up for yourself, maintaining independence, valuing yourself, etc.

 

I think that book (and books like it) are meant as sort of a guide for the overly needy and insecure, who have a tendency to cling and suffocate and be a "doormat" (among other things that tend to turn guys off).

 

I take it all with a grain of salt, and end up doing what works for me.

 

So far so good!

[katrina1980]

Broomwood, just wanted to add one more thing about mirroring.

 

Most of the men I know (including my two closest brothers who share everything with me, plus a few male friends) hate that game, and will actually reject women who play it.

 

They know why a woman is doing it and they find it manipulative (which it kinda is imho).

[Sportster2005]

Started dating this new guy whom I met on a dating app. We have had one date, and are going to have another one on Saturday. In between we've been exchanging text messages, though substantial ones. The thing is his responding is sporadic. True, he's busy and has been travelling all week, but at the same time as he takes two days to reply to me, he is being active on that dating app.

 

I understand that at this stage people are still shopping around, and that's fine. However, how do I exactly continue? So far I've been reciprocating: he takes one day to reply, I take one day to reply, he replies within a few hours, I do the same. But now as only got his reply after two days, if I wait two days, it's Saturday, the date. So if I don't answer till then, he may think that I am flaking.

 

The guy is a good catch, and I suppose is in high demand. What shall I do, and how to approach that kind of sporadic communication in future?

 

I think matching his communication is perfect.

 

Don't wait until the day of a date to respond. I would send "Look forward to meeting you again", if doesn't say so first. If the date and time is already planned, you could get away with waiting. If not, get in touch with him. There's nothing worse than two people waiting for the other to make a move. Then they think the other flaked. Don't repeatedly contact him. Once is fine.

[Sportster2005]

Broomwood, just wanted to add one more thing about mirroring.

 

Most of the men I know (including my two closest brothers who share everything with me, plus a few male friends) hate that game, and will actually reject women who play it.

 

They know why a woman is doing it and they find it manipulative (which it kinda is imho).

 

I disagree, of course I don't think it's manipulative at all. You're both engaging each other equally this way. I certainly wouldn't reject a woman for this. I don't see the manipulation. They're not going to get me to do something I don't want to do, which is the end goal of manipulation.

[katrina1980]

I disagree, of course I don't think it's manipulative at all. You're both engaging each other equally this way. I certainly wouldn't reject a woman for this. I don't see the manipulation.

 

They're not going to get me to do something I don't want to do, which is the end goal of manipulation.

 

In a way, it IS trying to get you to do something though (that you may not otherwise have done), increase your interest, value her more, show you how "busy" and independent she is, etc.

 

Which is all well and good, but she's not actually being "herself," while doing this though, is she.

 

I mean note the book she read this "rule" in? "Why Men Marry B-Itches."

 

What does that tell ya? LOL

 

She's playing a game, and following a "rule" that tells her to match him, to mirror him.

 

And as such, she intentionally waits to respond even though she might not want to, she wants to talk to him. IMO this is also manipulation.

 

Like I said though, everyone feels differently about this, and so yeah I am not surprised that you and I disagree about it.

 

For me, I like to communicate. If he takes a day, I presume he is busy, I don't overthink it.

 

If I am available to chat, I won't wait a day, I will respond back within the next hour or two. My response is fun and flirty so he WANTS to respond back quickly.

 

And in my experience, interestingly, he will respond back quickly. And we go on to have a fun flirty exchange for a bit and get to know each other.

 

Breaking it up like that, several hours, a day, now two days, you lose your momentum.

 

At least I do.

 

Anyhoo, I can't stand those games; my way works for me which I spose is all that matters.

[notalady]

I kinda agree and disagree with mirroring at the same time.

 

I don't actively try to mirror, I would respond whenever I have a chance, I'm tired of playing the mirroring game. However, if someone I've had only one (or a few) dates with takes a day to respond, I'm going to put responding to him low on my priority list as well. Which means that I may see the text, then put my phone down and do other things, and when I feel like it, I will respond. As opposed to usually responding straight away as I would with people who do the same for me.

 

But these types of interactions also rarely turn into anything more substantial, so sometimes I wouldn't even bother.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. What's wrong with a sort of tennis volley pattern? I mean no one wants 43 texts to have to answer for every one they send, right?

 

Also it's polite to give the person time to respond. However this should come naturally, not as a contrived method to an end.

I don't think it's manipulative at all. You're both engaging each other equally this way. I certainly wouldn't reject a woman for this. I don't see the manipulation. They're not going to get me to do something I don't want to do, which is the end goal of manipulation.

[katrina1980]

I kinda agree and disagree with mirroring at the same time.

 

I don't actively try to mirror, I would respond whenever I have a chance, I'm tired of playing the mirroring game. However, if someone I've had only one (or a few) dates with takes a day to respond, I'm going to put responding to him low on my priority list as well. Which means that I may see the text, then put my phone down and do other things, and when I feel like it, I will respond. As opposed to usually responding straight away as I would with people who do the same for me.

 

I agree with you. Difference is though, is that you are waiting a bit because you want to wait, and will respond when YOU feel like it.

 

You are not intentionally waiting because of some arbitrary rule that tells you to wait, or to match/mirror him.

 

I guess that's my biggest gripe, doing something because some 'rule' tells you to... as opposed to just doing what you want. Doing what you think is best in a particular situation.

 

Sometimes I feel it's best to wait too.

 

And in the OP's case, he took TWO DAYS. This tells me he may not be all that interested anyway, so not sure what I would do.

 

It would depend on how our interactions had been going up to that point, and if I felt good about how things were developing.

[katrina1980]

Agree. What's wrong with a sort of tennis volley pattern? I mean no one wants 43 texts to have to answer for every one they send, right?

 

Also it's polite to give the person time to respond. However this should come naturally, not as a contrived method to an end.

 

LOL, no one is talking about 43 texts to have to answer. Just one text in response to another's text and if you're having fun, then it certainly takes no great effort to respond.

 

It's like having a phone convo except via text or email.

 

It should be fun and flirty! Then you actually want to respond back quickly to each other.

 

Agree with your last sentence!

[browser]

You are seriously overthinking and overanalyzing texting response times. If I had just met a woman, and had one date with her and she said something like this to me I'd drop her like an old newspaper because that sort of thinking is the sign of someone who just very well may be extremely needy and insecure.

 

I know you didn't say anything like this directly to him,its your thought process that is disturbing.

 

You really need to learn how to take things slowly. One thing that may help is not to drop all the other guys you are hopefully exchanging messages with.

[j.man]

Communicate at the pace you're comfortable with. I've never nixed a woman because she text me back straight away. I have nixed them when they've expected I do so for them.

[Batya33]

When I dated for part of it we had email and messaging - I had no cell and never texted. I dated on and off for 24 years and no email or voicemail for at least the first decade. To keep the connection alive when you're first dating I think seeing each other once a week and maybe having a 20 minute or so phone call between dates is plenty - that way you can save up your sorrows and anecdotes for in person and since you barely know this person you don't have to worry about what they are doing when not with you. As far as mirroring my view is if you're going to wait then wait twice as long unless the text is about the actual plan for a date. Also understand that vid someone is interested in getting to know you by going on a date that is enough interest for right then - no need to keep anything alive and certainly not by typing.

[JohnSimons1901]

Your mirroring what he does, try to do your own thing as well, mix it up take longer to reply.

He doesn't owe you anything in terms of dating as you only just met (I don't know why people act this way), you don have any ground to ask him why he takes so long to reply but in between dates when you first meet you shouldn't over text, wait it out and play the game see who wins lol

[katrina1980]

I dunno maybe I am different (obviously I am) but I look at texting or emailing like a phone call.

 

To communicate, to chat, to continue getting to know.

 

If a guy texted me two or three days after a date (which is perfectly fine in my world), to ask what's up, asked me a question to engage me, and I mirrored him and responded THREE days later answering, then HE waits two-three days to respond, how the hell is that developing an easy free flow communique with each other?

 

Or what if you called a chick on the phone three days after your date, for same reason, to chat, continue getting to know or to ask her out.

 

And she waited three days to call you back?

 

I see lack of interest here, that is how I would interpret it.

 

Nothing to do with *expectations*, too soon for any expectations, it's about communicating with each other and continuing getting to know, in between dates. Assuming your dates in the beginning are once a week or every couple of weeks.

 

In fact, if I sent a man a text or email (or called on phone) three days after a date, to say hi or whatevs, and he mirrored me and waited three days to reply or call back, I would probably nix him, not because I *expected* him to respond back sooner, but because of simple compatibility in our communication styles.

 

To each his own though.

[Sportster2005]

In a way, it IS trying to get you to do something though (that you may not otherwise have done), increase your interest, value her more, show you how "busy" and independent she is, etc.

 

Which is all well and good, but she's not actually being "herself," while doing this though, is she.

 

I mean note the book she read this "rule" in? "Why Men Marry B-Itches."

 

What does that tell ya? LOL

 

She's playing a game, and following a "rule" that tells her to match him, to mirror him.

 

And as such, she intentionally waits to respond even though she might not want to, she wants to talk to him. IMO this is also manipulation.

 

Like I said though, everyone feels differently about this, and so yeah I am not surprised that you and I disagree about it.

 

For me, I like to communicate. If he takes a day, I presume he is busy, I don't overthink it.

 

If I am available to chat, I won't wait a day, I will respond back within the next hour or two. My response is fun and flirty so he WANTS to respond back quickly.

 

And in my experience, interestingly, he will respond back quickly. And we go on to have a fun flirty exchange for a bit and get to know each other.

 

Breaking it up like that, several hours, a day, now two days, you lose your momentum.

 

At least I do.

 

Anyhoo, I can't stand those games; my way works for me which I spose is all that matters.

 

The word manipulation, as it's commonly used has negative connotations. I think it's a word that has evolved to carry more negativity than it deserves. We live by manipulation. It is required to have our basic needs met. It's about influencing others to get what we need and want. If someone is interested in someone they will try to increase attraction. Some things most people would find acceptable. Let's face it, who you are on date one, isn't the same person you wake up six months down the road. We are on our best behaviour, hopefully to manipulate someone into finding us attractive.

 

The problems are when people don't play fair, or their intentions are masked. Or both. Both men and women are going to wear clothing that flatters them. I think most people shouldn't be shocked at this. But what about the woman who wears revealing clothing, and acts sexual, in the hopes her date will spend a lot of money during the diner. Or maybe even more on the next date. She doesn't want a relationship. She may not even care for him. But she likes to dine out. And what about the man who does spend a lot on dates, who doesn't have a lot of money, hoping to impress the woman into sex. He doesn't want to date her, he wants to boink her. Two people equally culpable of dishonest intentions and relying on manipulation to achieve their ends.

 

If a woman is sincerely interested in a man and mirroring keeps him engaged, then I see that as part of normal courting. I don't see mirroring as a rule. I see it as a convention, a best practice. Not calling three days after a date just because, is a rule. It's a dishonest rule. Not texting for two days because you're busy is different. And the recipient waiting roughly the same period shows they respect the other person is busy. But if you're delaying texting to create some false sense of importance or mystery, then you're being dishonest.

 

Personally if I'm interested in a woman I'm not going to wait too long to say hello. I like a pattern of taking turns initiating. It just has to be simple. And I would prefer we are on the same page communication wise. If I ask an important question I would prefer it be answered in what I think is a reasonable time. I think the most important text to answer promptly is when asking for a date. To me promptly is hours, before the end of the day.

 

Other things I've observed and believe. People will make an effort to stay in touch if they are interested. I usually don't by "too busy". But that's just me. If someone is really too busy and needs three days to respond, then we aren't a good match. Not at all. I'm one of the busiest guys I know. And I will not go to bed with unanswered texts or messages. Especially from women I'm interested in.

 

So I kind of get the mirroring thing, and think it's good. If I wait a few hours to answer a text, then a woman mirrors me by waiting a few hours, I like that. I don't like dropping what I'm doing to answer a simple text. But if she waits a couple of days to create some kind of mystery, or other game, it's usually obvious, and it's almost always good bye.

 

I don't think people should follow rules. But the further you stray from convention and norms the more you risk alienating potential partners.