AisforBroken Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 It IS insulting! You're fine to occasionally hang out with and have casual, non-committed sex with after your history, but no relationship? It's not that you're not "good enough" but that you'd be willing to accept this arrangement that lowers your "value", so to speak. Why would you be willing to be demoted to "F"-buddy? Well, "F" to that, I say. Completely agree... and I'm almost embarrassed that it took me this long to have enough self-respect to see it that way... but I can't blame myself. I was weak and heartbroken... I think it's only natural to want to hold on to anything he's offering... but it also pisses me off that he would let me subject myself to that, let me lower my worth. I like to think he still cares about me, but letting me/watching me lower myself to that, lose my dignity in his eyes, just shows he doesn't in the way I hoped he did. I don't think he would want me to do that if he cared about me in that way... I just see him in a whole new light now and it disgusts me. I guess the rose colored glasses are gone... I don't even know how to be sad anymore... I'm just pissed off... I'm insulted... I feel not only like I was taken advantage of, but unappreciated, by the person I thought loved me more than anyone. If he really loved me, he wouldn't want me to accept less than what he knows I deserve... but he did. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 He probably feels that you are an adult who can make your own decisions. He cannot "let" you do anything, you chose to. You very easily could have said "no". So, instead of relying on him to make you feel "appreciated", how about you appreciate yourself? Know that you are a person of value, and that you don't ever again need to lower your standards to try to keep someone. The right man will never even dream of asking you to demote yourself to his occasional sex partner, and you'd never be put in the position of having to make that choice. Link to comment
AisforBroken Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 He probably feels that you are an adult who can make your own decisions. He cannot "let" you do anything, you chose to. You very easily could have said "no". So, instead of relying on him to make you feel "appreciated", how about you appreciate yourself? Know that you are a person of value, and that you don't ever again need to lower your standards to try to keep someone. The right man will never even dream of asking you to demote yourself to his occasional sex partner, and you'd never be put in the position of having to make that choice. I don't know about "very easily"... but yes, you're absolutely right, I could have said no and I know now that I should have. It seemed like the right decision at the time to say yes and accept the friendship. I didn't realize how much it would hurt to not be more... I didn't want to cut him from my life. I thought that it would be better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all - but after seeing him, I know that I will never be happy with just a friendship. I'll always wish it was more and that's so unhealthy. I didn't really think it through before - I just wanted to hold on to whatever he was offering. I thought that being his friend would make him realize he loved me, bring us closer, but it just feels wrong to me, like something is missing. And although it was very comfortable, and it felt like home to be with him and see him again, something was missing and it's always going to be that way. It's very one sided and weird. I wish I saw it this way months ago, I heard it a million times, but I guess we all come to these conclusions on our own time and it only really makes sense when I learn the lesson on my own. I would love more than anything for him to be the person I thought he was, for him to just choose me and want to be with me, but it's such an empty wish. It hurts to let him go, because I know we could be happy together if he would just CHOOSE me... because I'm more than "good enough" for him... we just work... it's just easy... but he doesn't see it that way, I can't understand why... but it hurts more to hold on to someone who doesn't want you. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Hmm.....this fellow is just now beginning to sound like your average garden variety of a commitment phobe. When they start the nitpicking, that is a tell tale sign. Your commitment phobe as a deep fear of commitment because intimacy shoots their anxiety through the roof. Just for fun, get this book, "Men Who Cannot Love." The author is Steven Carter and you can order the book on Amazon. I had a man in my life who had this disorder and nothing about he did make sense until I read this book. His behavior, too, was just crazy making. Yeah....I would definitely explore this option. For me, it gave me complete clarity and I was able to understand and move on. chi Link to comment
sourhearts Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 To be honest I think 7 years is a long time. I don't think he will forget about you or stop loving you for a long time. I also think a lot of things get said that get taken back as life goes on. I believe in never say never, because its often people who you would never think would reconcile who do. However, you do have to listen to what they are saying in the moment. If they do not want to be with you TODAY then there really isn't much you can do to change that. Thiiiiiiis. 7 years is a heck of a long time. You pretty much grew with that person. I didn't read every post, but I'm sure you've read it over and over .. set him free. And you'll set yourself free from all this confusion, doubt. What if you forced him into a relationship with you? Chances are .. he could end up cheating. I'd rather my man up and leave me out of the blue before he cheats. Try getting over the pain of THAT. Look at this is him doing you a favor. Are you in contact with him? I really hope not. .. he'll miss you if you stay quiet. If that's what you want. Grieve this loss for a month, start moving on. He's all you've ever known the last 7 years. There's nice people out there Link to comment
TiredOfDating Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Had a huge reply typed out based on your OP. Then read through the thread. Good for you figuring things out. Its hard. Link to comment
AisforBroken Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Thiiiiiiis. Are you in contact with him? I really hope not. .. he'll miss you if you stay quiet. If that's what you want. Grieve this loss for a month, start moving on. He's all you've ever known the last 7 years. There's nice people out there Yes, I've been in constant contact with him since the breakup, for the last 5 months, with the exception of a couple spans of time where I was doing "no contact" - a couple 1 weeks, 3 weeks, and a then just under a month. I've only seen him in person once though, which was last weekend, and I've decided to cut contact for good after that... or at least until I'm sure I'm in a good place, where I'd be okay seeing him with someone else, which could take a very long time, if ever. I'm not sure if I'll truly be able to follow through with it, but my goal is to make it until my birthday, at the end of May. I've done my grieving... and although I'm still kind of upset (more pissed than anything now days), I'm still hoping for it to work out for us someday, but I'm not counting on it. He just isn't the person I thought he was and that's the hardest thing to come to terms with. I don't know how you just give up on someone you love - I would never be able to... So accepting that it's over means accepting that he doesn't really love me, and that's tough. He always used to tell me, "I feel like you'd never break up with me" and I would say, "Why would I? I love you." My deal breakers were cheating and abuse, but I always thought everything else could be worked through, that it was more worth it to fix problems rather than walk away. How do you walk away from someone you love? That's what I'm having the hardest time with. Even now, I feel like I have a "duty" to him to not walk away... sounds kinda crazy, but it feels like I need to see this "problem" through too - like it's just an obstacle for us. But I know that line of thinking is not healthy. Link to comment
AisforBroken Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I don't know why it's so damn hard to just let go. I have a lot going for me, I know there are plenty of guys that would treat me right and be happy to have me, and I wouldn't consider myself the type of girl to be hung up on someone that clearly doesn't care about me - but somehow I am. It's just hard to accept that I was with someone for 7 years that could just up and turn his back on me just because he "can"... it's rough and really makes you doubt your worth. Link to comment
AisforBroken Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Hmm.....this fellow is just now beginning to sound like your average garden variety of a commitment phobe. When they start the nitpicking, that is a tell tale sign. Your commitment phobe as a deep fear of commitment because intimacy shoots their anxiety through the roof. Just for fun, get this book, "Men Who Cannot Love." The author is Steven Carter and you can order the book on Amazon. I had a man in my life who had this disorder and nothing about he did make sense until I read this book. His behavior, too, was just crazy making. Yeah....I would definitely explore this option. For me, it gave me complete clarity and I was able to understand and move on. chi Just ordered this book. Hopefully will help clear some things up! Thanks! Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Just ordered this book. Hopefully will help clear some things up! Thanks! It definitely will clear some things up; in fact, it will clear everything up. It is hard to accept the idea that he never loved you because he did. However there is one emotion that takes precedence over all emotions, and that emotion is fear. In this case it is fear of intimacy that puts his anxiety levels through the roof. So the only way for a commitment phobe can deal with it is to get away from the source of their anxiety...and in this case, it is YOU. So is it any wonder that their behavior is so bizarre and nonsensical?? So when their anxiety levels simmer down and they can calm down enough to miss you they reach out to you....and you, not understanding what is going on, think that he has finally come to his senses. Oh, yes. I have been through it. That is how I know. Of course, this disorder is not exclusive to men. Women can have it too. I have talked to men who have been a victim of this scenario, and they are left in the same state of confusion. What is telling is that the commitment phobe can choose someone that had a trait or a circumstance that existed at the inception of the relationship and then, in its demise, they point to that very trait or circumstance as the reason for the breakup. An example would be a man who picks a fat woman as his girlfriend, only to use that as the reason for the breakup. It makes no sense because she was fat at the get go. On man who had a girlfriend break up with him because she had commitment issues, but the reason that she gave him was that his daughter was almost her age. I pointed out to him that that fact was always present...his daughter was always almost her age. He was so confused and baffled by her behavior because he remembered all the sweet things she did for him. All he could do was talk about it because he was so disturbed by it....trying to make sense of something that to him made no sense. I tried to explain it to him. I don't know if I did or not. But the strange thing is that when they explain "the reason" for the breakup to their mutual friends it just seems that no one picks up on the fact that the reason they give is just not legitimate. Oh, and the picking you apart....that comes when they are about to bail. I remember when my commitment phobe boyfriend said, "don't you have a little to much eye make up on?" And I replied, " You are just being the blankety blank commitment phobe that you are. My eye makeup was the same way I had always worn it for YEARS." So...there you go....the crazy behavior of a commitment phobe. It is a paradox...He must leave you BECAUSE he loves you. However, do not romanticize this or think that you can love him out of this. He is simply incapable of loving you in the way you need to be loved, where you feel that he is yours and you are his. He will never give you that because he CANNOT. Thus, the name of the book, "Men Who Cannot Love." You will come away from this sadder, but wiser.....chi Link to comment
AisforBroken Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 It definitely will clear some things up; in fact, it will clear everything up. It is hard to accept the idea that he never loved you because he did. However there is one emotion that takes precedence over all emotions, and that emotion is fear. In this case it is fear of intimacy that puts his anxiety levels through the roof. So the only way for a commitment phobe can deal with it is to get away from the source of their anxiety...and in this case, it is YOU. So is it any wonder that their behavior is so bizarre and nonsensical?? So when their anxiety levels simmer down and they can calm down enough to miss you they reach out to you....and you, not understanding what is going on, think that he has finally come to his senses. Oh, yes. I have been through it. That is how I know. Of course, this disorder is not exclusive to men. Women can have it too. I have talked to men who have been a victim of this scenario, and they are left in the same state of confusion. What is telling is that the commitment phobe can choose someone that had a trait or a circumstance that existed at the inception of the relationship and then, in its demise, they point to that very trait or circumstance as the reason for the breakup. An example would be a man who picks a fat woman as his girlfriend, only to use that as the reason for the breakup. It makes no sense because she was fat at the get go. On man who had a girlfriend break up with him because she had commitment issues, but the reason that she gave him was that his daughter was almost her age. I pointed out to him that that fact was always present...his daughter was always almost her age. He was so confused and baffled by her behavior because he remembered all the sweet things she did for him. All he could do was talk about it because he was so disturbed by it....trying to make sense of something that to him made no sense. I tried to explain it to him. I don't know if I did or not. But the strange thing is that when they explain "the reason" for the breakup to their mutual friends it just seems that no one picks up on the fact that the reason they give is just not legitimate. Oh, and the picking you apart....that comes when they are about to bail. I remember when my commitment phobe boyfriend said, "don't you have a little to much eye make up on?" And I replied, " You are just being the blankety blank commitment phobe that you are. My eye makeup was the same way I had always worn it for YEARS." So...there you go....the crazy behavior of a commitment phobe. It is a paradox...He must leave you BECAUSE he loves you. However, do not romanticize this or think that you can love him out of this. He is simply incapable of loving you in the way you need to be loved, where you feel that he is yours and you are his. He will never give you that because he CANNOT. Thus, the name of the book, "Men Who Cannot Love." You will come away from this sadder, but wiser.....chi But how did it take him 7 years to realize this? There was plenty of intimacy present in the relationship and it didn't scare him off. I guess when he really came to terms with the fact that it might be forever... that he could possibly stay with one person ... he freaked out. I've always thought that might be part of the problem too. He got scared when it got too real. It was all fun and games until reality set in that I might be the only person he gets to sleep with/be with for the rest of his life and suddenly he doesn't love me anymore. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 But how did it take him 7 years to realize this? There was plenty of intimacy present in the relationship and it didn't scare him off. I guess when he really came to terms with the fact that it might be forever... that he could possibly stay with one person ... he freaked out. I've always thought that might be part of the problem too. He got scared when it got too real. It was all fun and games until reality set in that I might be the only person he gets to sleep with/be with for the rest of his life and suddenly he doesn't love me anymore. Now you are getting with the program. chi Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 You can throw around books like "Men who cannot Love". Just because a man doesn't choose YOU to be his wife or decides that he doesn't love you enough or you are not right for him for the long term, does not mean he is not capable of loving someone. Its just not going to be you. He might not want to be just two together with YOU> You can do all the right things that you think are being a great girlfriend - check off all the boxes of getting him the right gifts, giving him the right amount of date nights, the right amount of physical affection - but just because of that doesn't mean that it makes you right for someone or make it the right time for them to want what you are offering. If you are wanting to be their accountant or barber - doing "all the right things" seals the deal. But not for a relationship. its being the right person as well as. There are other intangible things that create that. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 You can throw around books like "Men who cannot Love". Just because a man doesn't choose YOU to be his wife or decides that he doesn't love you enough or you are not right for him for the long term, does not mean he is not capable of loving someone. Its just not going to be you. He might not want to be just two together with YOU> You can do all the right things that you think are being a great girlfriend - check off all the boxes of getting him the right gifts, giving him the right amount of date nights, the right amount of physical affection - but just because of that doesn't mean that it makes you right for someone or make it the right time for them to want what you are offering. If you are wanting to be their accountant or barber - doing "all the right things" seals the deal. But not for a relationship. its being the right person as well as. There are other intangible things that create that. I agree 100%. So many people want to diagnose their exes with a medical condition when the reality is, they just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore for whatever reason. I tried to do the same thing. Labelled my ex as "abusive" and "Borderline Personality". He's neither. He's not a nice man and he's wrong for me, but the simple fact is, he didn't love me enough to want to be with me exclusively. He likes options. But mentally ill? Probably not. OP, your guy just decided for whatever reason, while you're a wonderful woman he just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. He said "never" regarding getting back together. Nothing you described suggests he's "unable" to love...he just didn't love you or the relationship enough to stay. It seems like, after the initial panic reaction, that you've come to the realization that you two won't be together and that you will work on moving on. That's good and healthy. Link to comment
AisforBroken Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 You can throw around books like "Men who cannot Love". Just because a man doesn't choose YOU to be his wife or decides that he doesn't love you enough or you are not right for him for the long term, does not mean he is not capable of loving someone. Its just not going to be you. He might not want to be just two together with YOU> You can do all the right things that you think are being a great girlfriend - check off all the boxes of getting him the right gifts, giving him the right amount of date nights, the right amount of physical affection - but just because of that doesn't mean that it makes you right for someone or make it the right time for them to want what you are offering. If you are wanting to be their accountant or barber - doing "all the right things" seals the deal. But not for a relationship. its being the right person as well as. There are other intangible things that create that. I agree... I mostly just want to read the book for another perspective. As always, I take it with a grain of salt. He definitely loved me at one point... I think he just got scared. I agree 100%. It seems like, after the initial panic reaction, that you've come to the realization that you two won't be together and that you will work on moving on. That's good and healthy. I'm definitely trying my best to accept that realization. My heart doesn't want to believe it yet, but it's getting there. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Commitment phobia is not a mental illness, it is a condition, which IMHO, this guy has. chi Link to comment
AisforBroken Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Commitment phobia is not a mental illness, it is a condition, which IMHO, this guy has. chi I agree. I've never thought it was because he didn't love me. In fact, I'm sure of it. Link to comment
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