I want to spend my life with my ex... I'm willing to wait... but he says "never"

[SmileyFace123]

I think in the case of many long relationships, especially with younger people there is actually a chance of reconciliation.

 

With the story I mentioned above, I think my friend dating a different guy made her appreciate her ex in a different way. She had no other experience so towards the end she just saw the bad things in her partner. The ex was controlling, jealous, and very clingy. But he was also extremely loving, supportive, and made her his world. Her new guy might not have the problems that her ex has, but he isn't as devoted and I think she now appreciates the good sides to her ex now. Realizing that the grass isn't always "greener" but rather a different shade of green.

 

But in her case why would she bother to go back when she can have the best of both worlds? She can have her ex's love and devotion while having a more relaxed relationship with her current man. she can always go looking for "better" because she has someone to fall back on and to fill in. Meanwhile her ex is hurting and is in pain. He has issues but he also has his good sides. Im sure eventually he can find a great girl who would be lucky to have him, especially if he was willing to do the personal work he needs to stop being so anxious in his relationships. I also truly believe that if she didn't think she could fall back on him, she would run back. There is something about wanting what you can't have, that most of us are guilty of.

 

I think its hard to walk away, because you figure they will forget about you. But they won't. You're guy will not forget about you after spending 7 years together. What he is more likely to forget about is the bad times.. The fights, the problems, etc

 

I know you're saying you would be keeping him as an option but come on you would pick him over anyone and you won't really be open to meeting anyone else. All of us posting on a "getting back together" forum are guilty of that. The vise versa is that he can keep you as a side option while pursuing others. It's like playing opposites.

 

I think just about everyone on this forum wishes or has wished in the past for reconciliation. Read the stories of the few people who got it. They let their partners go, they bettered themselves, they made themselves happy, and as time went on the resentment of the past went away and somehow they got connected to their ex who saw the "new and improved" them and gave it another shot.

[pippy longstocking]

I think in the case of many long relationships, especially with younger people there is actually a chance of reconciliation.

 

I don't actually agree with this part but I do respect your views and you do make sense .

 

From my experiences the younger generation really just end up needing to spread their wings and get out there and enjoy different company and the older generation seem to become stale within their relationships ..had their kids and feel it is time to move on .

 

of course I would LOVE everyone on here to be reconciled with the person they love ..

[SmileyFace123]

In reality I don't think there is any type of formula. I think every person is different, every relationship is different, there are no absolutes or definite predictors.

 

My explaination for younger couples is that I think younger people tend to be not as relationship mature. People end up breaking up because they need to spread their wings and realize it's not as great. More importantly i think that the difference in maturity tends to jump faster when you're younger. Imagine how you approached a relationship at 17. Most 17 year olds don't have the maturity to keep it going. At 23, 25, 28 those same people are likely much more mature and could handle things better. I also think that when you're younger you tend to change a lot. Part of why younger relationships dont last is because as we change and grow it can feel like we are going in totally different directions. That does not necessarily mean that two people will not end up in the same place, but they may take different routes to get there. You don't see people who are older significantly changing as much. So if it didn't work the first time, what would be the difference that makes it work the second time? Ultimately reconciliations only work when something or someone "changes." I would say the natural jump between a 20 year old and a 24 year old is relatively large. The jump between a 50 to 54 year old not as much.

 

Anyways Im rambling. I think a better way to look at this is just that there are no hard and fast rules. there are no real predictors of who will reconcile. The sad fact is most people who want it won't. But ultimately the most important thing you can do is really choose to look within and better yourself. To use this as opportunity to become a better version of yourself for whatever your next relationship may be. Last I think at the end of the day you get live for the chance of reconciliation. Sure go ahead and hope and love someone from afar, but Ultimately you must make yourself happy before you really have a shot with anyone.

[AutumnBorn]

....I definitely asked him, out of respect for me, not to continue talking to his ex's and he did for me... so you may be right... but I'd like to think that his other ex's didn't have the same relationship with him that we had....

 

Which is EXACTLY why a new girl would insist the friendship end. Those superficial "high school" romances aren't quite as serious as a relationship that lasts from 18-25, is it? All the more reason she'd make the demand and he'd go along with a new girl's demand (because love wins over friendship).

 

But I want you to win because I'm a hopeless romantic. And I'm going to tell you exactly what I'd do if I were in your shoes. Give it as much consideration as you see fit or dismiss it entirely.

 

The fact of the matter is, he's rejected you as a love interest. That means you have no choice but to accept his decision. The relationship as it was is over. What you have to do now is shake things up to help him see you in a fresh light, which will enable you to have a better chance of rekindling romantic feelings and work on building a new romantic relationship with him. It takes time, so your work is cut out for you. If you can pull this off, you have to be patient enough to resist the urge to deviate because, in the end, the way you either win him back or get over him are very similar. And instant gratification is not what you want. You want to win the war, not the battle, so you have to "fight" with the goal in mind and not succumb to urges.

 

I would:

 

- Agree to the "friendship", but pull back, not be overly available. In fact, I'd only respond to calls, texts, and emails, but not right away each time (sometimes I'd wait wait a few hours or 24) and never, ever initiate contact;

- Make sure I ended every contact first - leave him wanting more;

- Have adventures, interesting anecdotes to tell when he makes contact and I respond and not share much on social media (keep him guessing);

- Become fascinating by learning something completely new (like playing the violin, rock climbing, French cooking);

- Become an expert in something (local history, digital photography, identifying rocks) because that makes you (kinda) more interesting, too;

- Become even more fascinating by spending time volunteering for a worthy cause;

- Never give too much information. Be a little mysterious, even about little things. Ask about him more than you talk about yourself;

- Laugh, be lighthearted and happy when you do communicate with him;

- Never bring up the past (the old relationship is over - you're rebuilding a new one). If he does, stop him by saying "hey, I don't want to talk about the past. Tell me about (something he's working on or doing now)" or just say, "hey, I'd love to talk, but I've got to go";

- Stay busy so that when you say you've got to go, you're not lying;

- Move forward as if you know you're truly never, ever getting back together;

- Never push. You can't get a deer to eat out of your hand by walking toward it - it just scares the deer away, so don't make any moves toward him, either. He's as skittish as a deer;

- Always look your best. It's a weird thing, but even when you live in another state, someone who knows him might see you and say "I ran into AIsforBroken at the airport...she looked and sounded...amazing."

- Don't date other people. You aren't emotionally available, so don't even consider it. Instead, maintain a tight group of friends to share experiences and life with.

 

 

The fact of the matter is, for seven years, you haven't really been playing the field, either. You probably need to get more in touch with who you are as a person, too. We don't even start to live life fully until our late 20s, I don't think. So, even if it takes years, what's the big deal?

 

Did you know that it's estimated that 10% of all couples who divorce eventually remarry each other? If people who dislike each other enough to go through the legal process of divorce can work their way back to each other, I think you have at least a 10% chance, too.

 

Good luck.

 

PS I think you should check out this old, old post on another forum, too:

 

 

[charneca]

I know what it is like to be with someone for so long and then have that person "move out" from our life.I come off a 10 year relationship and we broke up just about 3 months ago.He was my lover and best friend.While I miss him terribly and I want to see him, I don't think I could be his friend right now, I wouldn't want to know what he's up to in his dating scene. Neverthless I really would like to be his friend in the future.

So, my advice is: don't settle for a friendship right now when you know you want something more.

[Hollyj]

Maybe it's a lack of understanding of who I am and the relationship we had... I have plenty of self-respect. A lot of newly found self-respect, actually, and I don't think that he could ever lose respect for me. We both think very highly of each other. I think it's a very courageous decision and takes a strong person to not just say "you know... if I can't have you how I want you, then you don't get to have me in your life at all." I, personally, feel better having him available to me as a friend than forcing myself, against all my better judgement, to not speak to him at all. No contact was difficult for me and felt wrong, but I only did it to heal myself. Now that I'm in a good place, I don't see any reason to cut contact.

 

If the only way to get him to change his mind is by playing games, I don't think I want that.

 

You seem to know it all!!! Why did you even come on here?

 

I agree with the others. Go NC!

[AisforBroken]

I just want to offer this perspective.

 

Knowing this girl i PROMISE, if her ex walked away, worked on his issues, and began seeing other girls. She would freak out. She would go running back, especially when her current relationship ends. It's because she can keep him on this level that she doesnt do anything. It would end up being a win/win for him because either she would come back or he would meet another great girl. But I am very certain she would come back tbh.

 

ultimately only YOU know what's best for you. But I think why everyone is recommending to not be friends, is because it rarely gets the dumpee anywhere. And they just continue to get hurt. Because be honest with yourself, you're hurting every time you talk to him. Every time you're wishing he would say "I love you" or that you could say it to him. When I was still hopeful that I might get to reconcile I went and searched all the back together stories. Almost every single one of them was when time, space, and the dumpee moving on occurred.

 

This made the most sense to me. Thank you for your story.

It's been a little while since I posted this and I sent my ex a "letter" yesterday (actually a video of me reading the letter... I felt it was a little more personal that way and to be sure it comes across in the correct tone)... just telling him exactly how I feel and that I can't continue to be his friend, because (you're all right), it hurts too much because it feels like there is a 10 foot pole in between us... it's just not any relationship or friendship that I want to have. I told him I still care about him and would love another chance, but if that's not what he wants, I will have to cut him from my life completely so that I can move on and find someone who does want to be with me.

 

I haven't received a response yet, and honestly, I'm not expecting one. But you guys are right... this is for the best.

 

We shall see... I know that I have a lot to give in a relationship, and a huge heart (probably too huge)... I just wish I didn't have to start all over. 7 years, man... for what??

[AisforBroken]

- Agree to the "friendship", but pull back, not be overly available. In fact, I'd only respond to calls, texts, and emails, but not right away each time (sometimes I'd wait wait a few hours or 24) and never, ever initiate contact;

- Make sure I ended every contact first - leave him wanting more;

- Have adventures, interesting anecdotes to tell when he makes contact and I respond and not share much on social media (keep him guessing);

- Become fascinating by learning something completely new (like playing the violin, rock climbing, French cooking);

- Become an expert in something (local history, digital photography, identifying rocks) because that makes you (kinda) more interesting, too;

- Become even more fascinating by spending time volunteering for a worthy cause;

- Never give too much information. Be a little mysterious, even about little things. Ask about him more than you talk about yourself;

- Laugh, be lighthearted and happy when you do communicate with him;

- Never bring up the past (the old relationship is over - you're rebuilding a new one). If he does, stop him by saying "hey, I don't want to talk about the past. Tell me about (something he's working on or doing now)" or just say, "hey, I'd love to talk, but I've got to go";

- Stay busy so that when you say you've got to go, you're not lying;

- Move forward as if you know you're truly never, ever getting back together;

- Never push. You can't get a deer to eat out of your hand by walking toward it - it just scares the deer away, so don't make any moves toward him, either. He's as skittish as a deer;

- Always look your best. It's a weird thing, but even when you live in another state, someone who knows him might see you and say "I ran into AIsforBroken at the airport...she looked and sounded...amazing."

- Don't date other people. You aren't emotionally available, so don't even consider it. Instead, maintain a tight group of friends to share experiences and life with.

 

PS I think you should check out this old, old post on another forum, too:

 

 

 

 

This is all really great advice. It's so hard to know if I'm ever making the right decision in this whole process. Lately, I've become a lot less attached to wanting things to happen a certain way. Like... I feel a little bit more authentic, and I don't feel like I'm doing things just because it will make him want me back, but I'm doing them because I want to, and it's really me and what I would say or do... so I think that's a step in the right direction. But he's just SO hot and cold with me and I can't keep it up. I'm always positive and happy and affectionate and nice when we talk, because I truly feel that way towards him and I want to be kind and loving to him, but when he is receptive one minute and sending one word responses the next, it's so confusing and it gets to me. You're all right... being friends is difficult when I have ulterior motives.

[AisforBroken]

He seems so much more receptive since I sent him the video, but maybe I'm just reading into it too much.

 

He texted me Merry Christmas and is using my name and emojis in texts, which seems affectionate to me. "I hope you had a Merry Christmas __(name)__ *Christmas tree emoji x3*. He's being way nicer and giving me more than he has in the last 5 months since the break up, but he still says that I can't change his mind about getting back together.

 

It seems like I'm breaking him down a little bit though. It feels like progress to me, but I am not getting my hopes up at all.

 

I obviously wasn't thinking that the video would make him say "OMG... I made a huge mistake. Let's get back together." I was hoping it would do exactly what I feel it has - break down his walls a little bit and get him to be a little bit more open to the idea.

 

I just love the guy so much... Some days I feel that desperation in the pit of my stomach that I NEED him in my life... I push those thoughts away and don't give them validation... but most of the time it's just a longing for him, that I just really wish we could have another chance. I know it would be different, because I have changed a WHOLE lot and realized what I could have/ would do different... and honestly, I realize now (more than ever) that I really care for him more than I ever thought I did. I took him for granted and didn't realize how important he really was to me. I don't want to lose him forever. I honestly thought that moving on would be easier than it has been or I would have fought for him more before leaving... I just walked away without a fight because I didn't think it was worth a fight. I regret that now... I just need him to see that change.

[Shadowbite]

You're a good person Ais. Hope you get what you want.

[Chon]

He seems so much more receptive since I sent him the video, but maybe I'm just reading into it too much.

 

He texted me Merry Christmas and is using my name and emojis in texts, which seems affectionate to me. "I hope you had a Merry Christmas __(name)__ *Christmas tree emoji x3*. He's being way nicer and giving me more than he has in the last 5 months since the break up, but he still says that I can't change his mind about getting back together.

 

It seems like I'm breaking him down a little bit though. It feels like progress to me, but I am not getting my hopes up at all.

 

I obviously wasn't thinking that the video would make him say "OMG... I made a huge mistake. Let's get back together." I was hoping it would do exactly what I feel it has - break down his walls a little bit and get him to be a little bit more open to the idea.

 

I just love the guy so much... Some days I feel that desperation in the pit of my stomach that I NEED him in my life... I push those thoughts away and don't give them validation... but most of the time it's just a longing for him, that I just really wish we could have another chance. I know it would be different, because I have changed a WHOLE lot and realized what I could have/ would do different... and honestly, I realize now (more than ever) that I really care for him more than I ever thought I did. I took him for granted and didn't realize how important he really was to me. I don't want to lose him forever. I honestly thought that moving on would be easier than it has been or I would have fought for him more before leaving... I just walked away without a fight because I didn't think it was worth a fight. I regret that now... I just need him to see that change.

 

I think it just puts them in a difficult spot personally with regards to their own feelings.

 

On Christmas, I saw my ex wearing a cute animal costume that I had purchased for her. I don't really understand why she choose it, is it because she's completely indifferent? Is it because she's missing me? I'm going for nostalgia. Regardless, I think that it's possible for someone to miss you very much, wish they wanted to be with you but still not really want to be back together due to the problems that exist.

 

As for the feelings of authenticity, it bounces honestly. There will be days where you think "The most loving action would be to stay in contact and just have no expectation" followed by "I wish he could come back" followed by "It's OK. He's happy." followed by "I wish he was happy with me instead". When you think you're over it, and post you're over it, then realise a few weeks later that actually you're not over it at all.

[AisforBroken]

You're a good person Ais. Hope you get what you want.

 

Thank you. I do too. I just wasn't the best person when I had the chance. I didn't necessarily do anything "wrong". I was tirelessly loyal and honest and I thought I was being the best girlfriend I could have been, loving him in the best way I knew how, and because of that, I was very critical of him and expected him to be everything to me. I thought I was being the best girlfriend I could be and he wasn't being the best boyfriend he could be, so I criticized, and expected more, and then didn't even appreciate any of the effort that he was putting in JUST because I asked for it... Instead of just letting him love me & enjoy his damn life with me, I pushed him away, all while thinking I was doing everything right. I would have been exhausted too... but I wish he would have criticized me... I might have realized my mistakes if he would have... there was no complaints, no conversation... just pulling away silently and then breaking up with me when he was ready to let me go.

 

... But he doesn't care about any of it. He doesn't want to hear it. It was over for him a long time ago and he thinks it would be stupid to go back when "there are a million other girls" he could be with. It's sad (and kind of crazy) to me that, after 7 years together, he still sees me as "just another one of the millions of girls in the world"... when I'm so much more than that to him... Those "millions of other girls" don't know him like I do, and definitely don't care about him like I do... but he doesn't see it that way. I'm just a girl that he happened to like for a long time, so he kept me around until he didn't feel like it anymore... but I'm not special. And that's what hurts the most.

[SmileyFace123]

I just want to say I really relate to your above sentiment.

 

We never think we are doing anything wrong or hurtful until it's pushed in our faces. Why would we? Of course we want to be as loving and kind to our partners as possible. We would never purposefully do something hurtful. We usually don't see our mistakes unless we are told. At which point its often "too late."

 

For a long time I too blamed myself for not being a good partner. I truly thought I was doing everything right at the time. I was honest and extremely loyal. I tried my best to always be affectionate and caring. However, I always pointed out my ex's bad behavior and was critical of the things he was doing wrong, and didn't always acknowledge all the thing he was doing right. It took him leaving for me to understand that I too was imperfect. That I made many errors, in fact I now realize many of the things I thought were "out of love" were actually annoying and frustrating.

 

For a long time I thought it was all my fault and that I was a bad person. I actually went in and received counseling for some of my issues (needy, clingy, controling, bad communicator). One thing that the therapist pointed out and that I want to stress to you was that your ex was not perfect. Even if he did every other thing right, he did the most basic thing wrong which is to not communicate his frustrations. I am sure, like me, if you had realized your bad mistakes and had the opportunity to work on them within the relationship you would have. But you didn't because that person decided to not communicate with you, rather hold them in, hurt himself, hurt you, distance himself, and then end what could have been a better relationship. I agree with you that it's often times better to let things go instead of being critical, but at least you were working to improve things, whereas his behavior is the most sabatoging.

 

In any relationship, there will be frustrations. If you are with someone who chooses to not communicate with you, than they aren't that great, because then you don't have the opportunity to work on things and be better for them.

[AisforBroken]

 

In any relationship, there will be frustrations. If you are with someone who chooses to not communicate with you, than they aren't that great, because then you don't have the opportunity to work on things and be better for them.

 

I couldn't agree more Smiley... and you're right, he should have communicated, and things would have absolutely improved, but I think he saw it as complaining. His thought was that "He wanted me 'as I am'" and, in his mind, if he had to point out my flaws and tell me how to do better, it wasn't really "me"... He didn't believe in complaining or criticizing, but rather "loving me for me"... To him, that sounded best, and most authentic, and I understand that in the most basic way, but that's not all there is to it. You have to communicate or it doesn't work... he doesn't see that it's still "ME"... criticism helps people grow. It's still me choosing to work on the issue and change, or to NOT work on it and NOT change... I just need help understanding what he wants. I still have a choice to make whether I want to change or not. He always just said "he wasn't a complainer"... well, I can't read minds and I was doing my absolute best with the knowledge I had. A bit of complaining would have helped.

 

I've realized (on my own) my mistakes now and it kills me, because I know if I could have seen them in the relationship, it could have been fixed. 100%... And I know it's not all my fault.. He should have communicated - but I don't know if he understood that. I honestly think he didn't understand the importance or he didn't even know HOW to communicate his concerns... I want to give him the benefit of the doubt in that I think it was just immaturity and inexperience rather than him not loving me or just not being a good guy. . . but it scares me that he'll never 'grow up' and realize that.

[SmileyFace123]

Wow A you literally take the words from my mouth.

 

I agree with you. I've always thought of "criticism" as "opportunity to grow." Ultimately it's your choice to adjust or not. At the end it's just voicing your concerns. I never saw that as "complaining" but rather just trying to improve relations between two people. It's like imagine if you had a job, and were working as hard as you could. You really loved and valued your job and thought you were doing your best. In fact you were the one who was always staying late in the office and working on the weekends. Then one day your boss fires you, citing all these errors you were making. Of course you would be frustrated because if she had just shared these errors while you still had your position you would have ABSOLUTELY adjusted.

 

However I also understand acceptance better now. To accept people for who they are and to just let most things go. No one likes being nagged. Depending on our self esteem and how we feel about ourselves, certain comments can make us feel attacked. It can also hit at our egos and make us think we are "bad" or wrong. No one likes feeling that way and we usually turn that resentment to the other person. Think of that overly critical boss that we've all had, that makes a big deal out of everything. We get frustrated, feel bad about ourselves, and dislike our job. So I absolutely understand the idea that you should keep quiet and let things go and why he didn't say anything.

 

There is a fine balance in communication and conflict styles. In general I have noticed that women are more likely to bring up problems and want to "fix" them or their partners, whereas men are more likely to not say anything. One thing that helped me a lot is to read a lot of relationship books that discuss how to bring things up in a way that doesn't feel critical or controlling. Love and Respect, while it's biblically based, has a lot of good suggestions in the end of what to say. I thought men are from Mars, women are from venus was good too. There were several.

 

A I am totally rooting for you. But I just want to say that if you ever do get him back, that is somethjng he needs to work on. You can't take the blame for everything

 

Also check your messages

[p123]

Aisforbroken I can totally relate to this situation, it seems remarkably close to mine. My ex split up with me for the second time a few months ago, and it happened quite suddenly. There were some problems and I knew that I was perhaps too needy and insecure in the relationship. However my ex would never communicate problems, she is a very selfless, caring person and doesn't like to burden anyone at any cost - even if she pays the price internally, it just somehow isn't in her makeup to allow herself too. I would only find out problems when it was too late and it hurt, as quite like you I could have adjusted if I had known what she wanted - but she would let problems build.

 

I certainly feel in many ways the breakup was my fault, but must have the perspective that this communication problem was a part of the problem which created insecurity. She put it down to incompatibility, which may be true - but so incredibly frustrating. If she did love me properly though she wouldn't have broken up with me. Over time I'm learning to accept it, and it will get easier over time.

[AisforBroken]

But I just want to say that if you ever do get him back, that is something he needs to work on. You can't take the blame for everything

 

Oh I absolutely agree. I love the guy and I would honestly drop everything to be with him - because I know we can be happy together, but only if he was able to man up and admit his mistakes too and work to fix them, but I just don't see that happening any time soon... I've reflected and learned, but he refuses to. I've taken the last 5 MONTHS to analyze the relationship, to figure out what went wrong, to REALLY think about my role in why it failed... meanwhile, any time I bring it up, he shuts down, says he "doesn't want to hear about the relationship" and is "over the relationship analysis"... it's like he doesn't see it as something that is fixable, doesn't understand that we would have been happy if we knew better... he just sees it as done...over... it "ran its course"... and it's no big deal because "he can just find someone else..." *eye roll* God, it's so damn frustrating. I don't know how to make him see it how I do. It's like he doesn't even want to think about it. He's just over it. Not once has he brought up any mistakes he made in the relationship, and I honestly think it's because he hasn't thought about it and doesn't think he made any. Or he really just doesn't care.

 

I haven't criticized him or brought up anything about what he could have done differently -- ONLY focused on what I did wrong, what I could have changed -- and I know that's the right course of action, but I don't know if he'll ever realize it on his own. He hasn't apologized once or owned up to a single thing, I've owned up to EVERYTHING. I just don't understand it.

 

It's like... sure... I can go find someone else that appreciates me, but why throw everything we have away when I know we can be happy, having taken a step back and realized what went wrong. It's just a damn shame, really.

 

I mean...I've got no reason to not just find someone new, because I have the same chances of it working out... He is just like any other guy at this point... (except I love him...) but HIM, I don't understand his logic. He has a willing, loving, devoted, caring woman right in front of him and he doesn't want it. Like... good luck finding that so easily. How can you just walk away from that?

[Wiseman2]

It can be suffocating and a lot of pressure to be the center of someone's universe. Perhaps he would prefer someone he has to chase a bit or is still a bit of a mystery?

He has a willing, loving, devoted, caring woman right in front of him and he doesn't want it. How can you just walk away from that?

[AisforBroken]

It can be suffocating and a lot of pressure to be the center of someone's universe. Perhaps he would prefer someone he has to chase a bit or is still a bit of a mystery?

 

You're absolutely right... and I know that's a huge part of the reason he wanted out. He wanted to breathe and I know he's enjoying that fresh air right now. I was extremely needy, clingy and yes, he was the center of my world for the last little while, especially when I felt him pulling away, I tried harder to pull him close... big mistake on my part. I lost myself, I forgot who I was, I forgot my own passions and interests and goals... and all I had left to fall back on was him. He was all I had and that's way too much pressure for him... I get that now. At the same time, I wish he could have loved me enough to see it through that rough patch, but I guess he probably thought that's just who I was and how things were going to be now (so did I...), and why would he want to be with that person forever? That's exhausting... I wouldn't either.

 

But when you live with someone and you've been with them for 7 years, the mystery and chase is gone... it grows into a familiar love, a love that I was more than comfortable with, a love that I loved. Mystery and chase is just a high in the beginning... anything long term will not have that anymore. It's a higher level of love, in my option.

[SmileyFace123]

Hey AisforBroken

 

I just want to say that you are not alone. I did the same thing. The demise of my relationship started when I lost my job. I was unemployed and feeling discouraged. Most of my friends were from work, so while I still did see them afterward my social life was dismal at best. I felt lost in my life. So I put everything on that person. I was clingy because I was lonely and didn't have anything else to do. I was needy because I was already feeling down on muself and needed extra reassurance. I zeroed in on errors because I had all this free time to obsess and I made him my absolute world because he was the only thing I felt I had. I didn't see it as wrong, I thought I was giving a lot of attention and thus expected it back.. i understand why they were frustrated though.

 

Im actually grateful that I was dumped in a way. There's nothing like rejection that makes you self analyze and self improve. I think it says a lot about you that you have really dissected and worked on yourself. You will benefit for years to come because of this.

 

I think it says a lot about your ex though in what he's done. He's not perfect, yet sounds like he's blamed you for everything. Sounds like he has no interest on where to improve.

 

I promise you this, that attitude won't get him far in life. Whether that be with your or someone else.

[p123]

Smileyface has some of the best advice I have read on this forum, and I agree with everything you've written so far!

 

When this happens, as I can relate to as well - although it was awful and I would like to be with my ex - I am grateful for it and accept it is the best thing that could have happened. I would not have grown happy in that relationship when it was distracting me from working on my own problems. I've got a lot of work to do on that front still, but I am becoming more aware and keen to make peace with myself.

 

I believe that there is a transference that happens with problems, the things we can dissect and communicate about what we could do better, what went wrong etc. are no longer appropriate or useful as despite them being catalysts and initial causes, the real end issue is just that someone falls out of love; or simply that these problems occurred as there were some things outside of what we can put our finger on that didn't make it quite right. That is what I have come to accept, and is quite dumbfounding - but if the ex doesn't want reconciliation then this must simply be the truth.

 

Perhaps over time when all of this dissipates a new love with them could come back in another way in the future, but despite every inch of us wanting to imagine this - we must not kid ourselves into thinking it definitely will happen or we will simply never create the conditions which gives it a chance to come about!

[KatzenMoon]

hey A, hey just wanted to reply and say I'm going through the same thing you are. I can't give up on him whatsoever and have every intention of giving my ex space and time. feel free to contact me and look at my story. cheers

[AisforBroken]

Hey AisforBroken

 

I just want to say that you are not alone. I did the same thing. The demise of my relationship started when I lost my job. I was unemployed and feeling discouraged. Most of my friends were from work, so while I still did see them afterward my social life was dismal at best. I felt lost in my life. So I put everything on that person. I was clingy because I was lonely and didn't have anything else to do. I was needy because I was already feeling down on myself and needed extra reassurance. I zeroed in on errors because I had all this free time to obsess and I made him my absolute world because he was the only thing I felt I had. I didn't see it as wrong, I thought I was giving a lot of attention and thus expected it back.. i understand why they were frustrated though.

 

Im actually grateful that I was dumped in a way. There's nothing like rejection that makes you self analyze and self improve. I think it says a lot about you that you have really dissected and worked on yourself. You will benefit for years to come because of this.

 

Yes... just yes to everything... Sounds like I'm reading my own story back to me. Hits home in the best and worst way haha.

 

I'm grateful too... grateful that I was forced to improve, & that I was able to come to these conclusions on my own, grow as a person, mature & realize my mistakes so these things never happen again, but I'm also disappointed that it has to happen this way. I'm disappointed that I had to lose what could have been/ can be a great relationship for it to happen. I realize that I would have never matured in the same way, and might have stayed "stuck" for a very long time if this didn't happen. It was a catalyst for growth that I wouldn't have otherwise had... but I also know that we could be happy together now. I also realize that I'm not the only person that made mistakes...he could have handled it in a better way too, but he will never admit that.. He's still convinced that he "only broke up with me to focus on his art", which he may not even be aware enough to realize is complete BS. He's not fooling anyone but himself when he says that.

 

He chose to give up instead of loving me.. and that's the most disappointing part of it all. I understand that maybe we weren't mature enough to even know how to handle it, and breaking up seemed like the only option... but now that he's seen the change in me, he still refuses to consider the possibility of us ever being together, and that is where I'm stuck.

 

I saw him this weekend for the first time since the break up because I was back in town... and everything was perfect - just like we were together again - just really, really good. It just feels right with him, I can't explain it other than saying that he feels like home to me. It's just... comfortable. The only thing that was missing for me was knowing he was "mine"... if that makes sense. Although he agrees, he still says he never wants to go down that road again. I don't know how to make him realize that it wouldn't be the same road... it would be a new one, because I'm a new person. He says all he wants is a friendship - a lifelong friendship. He wants us to be "best friends" because he wants me in his life and values me as a person... He even said something about me "playing with his kids" when we're older... of COURSE I don't want that. I don't think I will ever want that. I don't want to play with his kids, wishing they were 'our' kids...

 

Although... we still have crazy attraction, we slept together... so any new gf / significant other would not be okay with that and I would absolutely be cut off, despite what he says. No person in their right mind would be okay with him being "best friends" with his 7-year ex, who he's continued to sleep with, who still loves him & wants to be with him... nobody. So, to me, a "friendship" just seems like a dead end. It would just be me sticking around while he searches for someone else. And I thought that it would make him realize he still loved me if I stuck around, but I don't think that anymore. I'm not going to invest in a dead end.

 

So I've decided to move on. Not to manipulate him to come back, but because it's the only option that makes sense to me anymore. I've held on for too long. I've tried too hard to show him/ convince him that I'm good enough... to make him see what I bring to his life. I'm just done trying. I don't have anything left to do... Even after we have an amazing weekend together, he still refuses to consider the possibility of us being together again. The thought of him being with someone else and me having to smile and be happy for him just feels inauthentic. I want him to be happy, but I don't want to pretend to be happy that he's with someone else. I'll always just wonder "why her and not me?"

 

I finally told him I couldn't accept a friendship, because I will always want more. I've blocked him on everything and sent my final goodbyes. If anything is going to make him realize he loves me, it's this - although I'm not counting on it. I've reached my breaking point. I've read it a thousand times that truly letting go, moving on is the best option for ANY reason, but never was able to actually DO IT... I think I'm able to do it now because I've exhausted all other options. It will be okay either way... that's all I know. I'm in a good place - it just kinda sucks that it has to be this way when I know it could work for us, but I've done all I can do.

[AisforBroken]

Plus, a part of me really, really hates him for looking at me and deciding that I'm not worth committing to... My eyes have been opened to how insulting that is, to say the least. The fact that a hypothetical person, who isn't even in his life, doesn't care for him, doesn't love him, doesn't want to commit to him... is better than me... That's the ultimate "F you" in my opinion. He loves me as a friend & values me as a person, enough to want me in his life forever, and wants to sleep with me, but wants to commit himself to someone he hasn't even met yet... Makes no sense to me.

 

What could this hypothetical person have that I don't? She'll probably just have things that he'll nit pick about her too - just like he has with me. He just has this "list" of reasons he doesn't want to be with me... I'm "too this" or "too that" or I do "this" too much... Reasons he won't tell me, but I know are there. Does he not realize that nobody is going to be perfect?... She's going to have things that he doesn't necessarily like too. He's too critical -- and the worst part is that he's SILENTLY critical. He has all these "things" in his head about why I'm not good enough, but refuses to share them with me and just boils it down to "it's just who you are... I can't be with the person you are." How in the hell did it take you 7 years to figure out you didn't like "the person I am?"... and yet you like the "person I am" enough to want me in your life forever, but only on your terms... Again, makes no sense.

 

Maybe one day it will all make sense, but right now, the ONLY thing that makes sense is walking away.

[boltnrun]

It IS insulting! You're fine to occasionally hang out with and have casual, non-committed sex with after your history, but no relationship?

 

It's not that you're not "good enough" but that you'd be willing to accept this arrangement that lowers your "value", so to speak. Why would you be willing to be demoted to "F"-buddy?

 

Well, "F" to that, I say.