I want to spend my life with my ex... I'm willing to wait... but he says "never"

[AisforBroken]

" I think it's a very courageous decision and takes a strong person to not just say "you know... if I can't have you how I want you, then you don't get to have me in your life at all." I, personally, feel better having him available to me as a friend than forcing myself, against all my better judgement, to not speak to him at all. No contact was difficult for me and felt wrong, but I only did it to heal myself. Now that I'm in a good place, I don't see any reason to cut contact."

 

There is a big reason to cut contact, and that reason is very apparent in this thread. Just look at the title of your post: "I want to spend my life with him". This means you are far from ready to be just his friend, and that despite feeling better about everything, you are still hoping he'll eventually change his mind. You want him in your life not to be his friend, but to keep him close so he doesn't forget about you and move on. You don't want to be "out of sight out of mind". But, this is not real friendship, and it will only backfire and hurt you in the end.

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't be friends with him, I'm sure after all the time you spent together he will always have a special place in his heart for you. But, not the kind of place you hope, and he made that very clear. Wait to be his friend until you are no longer tempted to write this type of posts, until you no longer think you two belong together, and he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. When you get to that point, where you can just talk and hang out sometimes without any romantic feelings, and even share stories about the people you are both dating, then yes, you can talk about a friendship. Until then, tell him that you need more time to get to a better place where you two are concerned, and when you're ready to be a friend you'll be in touch.

 

I can understand where you're coming from... that you can't truly be friends with someone if you have romantic feelings for them... and I thought the same, which is a large reason I did no contact and considered cutting contact completely, forever... but I think it's okay to have romantic feelings towards someone as long as it's not affecting your life or friendship negatively.

 

I can go back to the "best friend" who falls in love with the other, but he/she only considers them a friend. They can still be friends, because the friendship is the most important thing, but the one "in love" can still hope that the friend will change their mind and see them differently without letting it affect their friendship. A passive hope, if you will.

[AisforBroken]

I want to spend my life with my ex... I'm willing to wait... but he says "never"

 

So I guess this wasn't a question, but rather rhetorical?

 

Well, it wasn't an objective question, so it leads to more of a conversation than just a definite answer... a helpful one.

[pippy longstocking]

Although I appreciate every bit of input, it's crazy to me that nobody sees even a glimpse of what I see, and nobody can agree that "yes, maybe... possibly... that could happen... you seem to have changed and maybe if he sees it..."

 

But I guess nobody can truly understand because they weren't in the relationship, they didn't feel what I felt, and they aren't ME....

 

Plus, it's easier to just give the generic advice of "MOVE ON... HE MEANS WHAT HE SAYS... YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN" .... The same advice I read on EVERY SINGLE breakup article online... I just can't believe that humans (or love) are that shallow... that minds can't change.

 

I guess everyone wants to believe they are special / different and that all the generic advice doesn't apply. That's me.

 

because mostly your story isn't any different in the outcome , your content may be different , but the love you had , the way you feel now , the hope you hold out , the reasoning you give ...it's all the same as all the other posters before you and all the ones that come after ...I am trying to say that kindly .... but it is ..how it is ...and no one sees what you see darling because what you see isn't there .

[Wiseman2]

Were you collage sweethearts? Did he breakup because of the move? LDRs are not for everyone.

I should also mention that we have not seen each other in person since the break up because I moved home - out of state - when we broke up.... meeting in person may make all the difference, because I know he'd see the changed me, the girl he fell in love with again - the girl who loves HIM again.

[shellyf62]

Omg, I feel so sad reading your posts.

You are pining for a guy who has no interest whatsoever in getting back with you.

He has told you this, and still you pine for him.

It is like a Disney movie, you are sitting at the window, watching & waiting for him to come to his senses, ride up on his stallion and whisk you away to happily ever after.

The reality is that he will start to date, meet someone & it gets serious, she then decides she doesnt want you contacting him anymore & you are cut out of his life forever.

You honestly need to realise this. Im sorry for being harsh, but you need to take off your rose coloured glasses & see this for what it is. He broke up with you, and there is no chance of reconciliation.

[AisforBroken]

because mostly your story isn't any different in the outcome , your content may be different , but the love you had , the way you feel now , the hope you hold out , the reasoning you give ...it's all the same as all the other posters before you and all the ones that come after ...I am trying to say that kindly .... but it is ..how it is ...and no one sees what you see darling because what you see isn't there .

 

I know you guys are giving me a dose of reality, and trust me, I do not live in a land of delusion, and I completely understand that he will most likely not have a change of heart. Anyone who has been or is in my shoes knows the reality of the situation or I wouldn't have to turn to forums for comfort and advice. But I feel that I could write this same story on another forum and people would see where I'm coming from, offer some understanding or agree that it's okay to have hope, and to "fight" for love, if you will. I understand that life is not a Disney movie, but it's also not all black and white like I feel everyone here is making it out to be.

 

Not one person has said it's possible, and that's just negative.

[AisforBroken]

Then you are going to be waiting for a very long time and a life, yours, wasted. That's just sad. And trust me somewhere down the line when you're older and you have nothing to show for it, you will be rightly POed at yourself for having hung in there and followed every stupid Hollywood movie that sells the idea that putting your life on hold will eventually reward you further down the line. But then movies also like to portray that the villain never really dies and young teenagers having sex get offed on a regular basis too.

 

My point is Hollywood films, romance novels, and all that crap are terrible, terrible things to base this idea of "waiting" on someone. You aren't waiting for a soldier to come home from a war. This guy has bluntly told you it is never happening. So why would you even want to stay in touch with him?

 

Block, delete, take the time and grieve and heal then move the heck on. You don't get back your time, your youth, your beauty, your opportunities that would come along if you weren't wasting all of it on someone who has already told you no. And yes, I've been there, stop wasting your life. Life is precious, time is all too short. You don't waste it on a no, ever.

 

When I said "waiting" I did not mean I was sitting in my room, staring at my phone, waiting for him to profess his love for me. My life is not on hold in any way. I'm pursuing my goals, considering moving away for another job, having plenty of new experiences, and making new friends. I'm also OPEN to finding another, better love, if one pops into my life, I'm just not actively pursuing it... mostly because it feels inauthentic. (Why would I pursue a relationship with someone when I have another person in my heart -- that's just wrong)... What I mean by "waiting" is that I will hold him in my heart until the day I don't feel the need to anymore, hoping that he will open his heart to me again. I won't let go of the idea is what I meant. Doing so does not mean that I stop living my life though.

[Wiseman2]

If you want to be friends be friends, that's fine. But "fighting for love" is why he's pushing you away and rejecting you.

agree that it's okay to have hope, and to "fight" for love, if you will.

[greta96]

but I think it's okay to have romantic feelings towards someone as long as it's not affecting your life or friendship negatively. .

 

That's the thing, it WILL affect your life negatively! And trust me, I am speaking as someone who is living something similar - the only difference is that enough time has passed that I am ok with hearing about his dating life, because I wouldn't, in a million years, want to be romantically involved with him ever again. He really sucks as a SO, but he's pretty good as a friend. But had I tried being friends with him before I got to this point of romantic indifference, boy would I have been hurt!

There are a few reasons as to why I'm telling you it would affect your life negatively: the main one is that you would not be able to move on. As long as you're holding out hope that he would eventually change his mind, you will never give another guy a real chance. You will go on dates, yes, but you will have your ex on your mind at all times and any new guy will never measure up in your mind (even if he was tons better than your ex).

Secondly, you know that as a friend you'll be supposed to hear about and participate in conversations regarding his love life, maybe even meet his new girlfriends. I can guarantee that every mention of a new girl will feel like a knife in your heart, and you will always wonder "why her and not me? What does she have that I don't?". It will eat away at your confidence and it will turn you bitter, resentful and lead you into depression.

Thirdly, this "friendship" can't last forever, so it would still end as soon as he meets someone he wants to start a relationship with. Not too many women will be ok with him being friends with his ex of 7 years, and rightfully so. And faced with the choice between you and the new girl, who do you think he'll pick? Unfortunately, not you.

 

These are just some things for you to consider. I know exactly how you're feeling because I've been there, I offered my "friendship" as well... luckily he knew exactly what I was doing and didn't go for it, and I'm happy he didn't, because now, years later, I am in fact able to be a real friend because....I no longer care.

[AisforBroken]

If you want to be friends be friends, that's fine. But "fighting for love" is why he's pushing you away and rejecting you.

 

When I say "fighting" for love, I don't mean I'm begging him to get back together with me... Fighting for a love that isn't reciprocated is... creepy/ stalking/ not at all romantic lol.

 

What I mean is, I guess, I'm "Fighting" to keep him in my life, regardless of whether it's romantically or not, because I feel it's worth it...

 

I feel that I am being genuine in offering my friendship and letting him know that I still love him and have feelings for him, but I respect where he is and what he wants. He knows where I stand and I believe it's possible that time, patience, and authenticity might work in my favor. He was in love with me once, there's no reason he can't be in love with me again and to say it's impossible is just ignorant. It is possible. And if I feel this strongly about him, and he still wants me in his life enough to ask if we can be friends, then I see no reason why being his friend while remaining hopeful is a bad thing.

 

I appreciate the "realness" of this forum, but a bit of positivity could go a long way. You call it false hope, but I don't think hope has to always be negative, as long as you understand that it's JUST hope.

[Capricorn3]

He also says now (this is new) that we will “never, ever, ever be together again” and "it would be the single dumbest decision he could make to go back to me".

This sounds like a man who knows what he's talking about, and knows what he wants .. in this case, doesn't want. He's clearly made up his mind and when this happens, you have almost zero chance of ever changing his mind. You really need to listen when a man tells you this.

 

Time to learn to accept that it is what it is and let it go. This guy is not coming back. Leave it be and move on.

[AisforBroken]

Thirdly, this "friendship" can't last forever, so it would still end as soon as he meets someone he wants to start a relationship with. Not too many women will be ok with him being friends with his ex of 7 years, and rightfully so. And faced with the choice between you and the new girl, who do you think he'll pick? Unfortunately, not you.

 

See, this is a great point - and one that I hadn't considered before. I definitely asked him, out of respect for me, not to continue talking to his ex's and he did for me... so you may be right... but I'd like to think that his other ex's didn't have the same relationship with him that we had. We were legitimately best friends. His other ex's were just "high school girlfriends"... if you know what I mean. It wasn't the same bond. But you're right that regardless, the new GF might ask him to cut it off, but I'd like to think he would just tell her gently that it wasn't a big deal and would insist she understand. We're all adults, right?

[boltnrun]

HE'S the one who said it was impossible ("never, ever"), not just us.

 

But you're choosing to interpret his words and actions as things that support what YOU want to happen. You're projecting your wishes onto him.

 

Although you think your situation is different and special, I bet hundreds of people have been told "maybe someday we'll be together again". And I bet the percentage of those who actually followed through and got back together is in the low single digits. So to pin your hopes on a throwaway comment that was said in an attempt to be kind, while ignoring everything he said about "never, ever", just isn't realistic.

 

But I realize you have chosen to continue to hold on..."I will go down with this ship..." It's too bad, because I bet you have a lot to offer a man, someone who won't say "never, ever" to you.

[SparklyBoots]

If you are looking for hope the only remote chance you have is to distance yourself from him. Being friends only helps him to wean himself off you, and will hurt you immensely as right now you care a lot more than he does...noone knows how things will play out but the best hope you have is to let him go do his stuff and get on with your own life without him....he is at a different stage than you, in the uncoupling stage...being friends is something for the future if and when you can truely handle it and all that friends entails ie hearing about others, then that is the time to be friends....keep a distance and get on with your own stuff without expectation....easy to say I know, but much harder to do, and may sound harsh right now but will end up with the best outcome for you both xxxx

[pippy longstocking]

I know you guys are giving me a dose of reality, and trust me, I do not live in a land of delusion, and I completely understand that he will most likely not have a change of heart. Anyone who has been or is in my shoes knows the reality of the situation or I wouldn't have to turn to forums for comfort and advice. But I feel that I could write this same story on another forum and people would see where I'm coming from, offer some understanding or agree that it's okay to have hope, and to "fight" for love, if you will. I understand that life is not a Disney movie, but it's also not all black and white like I feel everyone here is making it out to be.

 

Not one person has said it's possible, and that's just negative.

 

We have all been where you are , that's why we are here ... It is almost 5 years to the day (22nd December ) that I came here with the same hopes and ideas and going over and over it ..I never did post my story , I just read and wrote different experiences , But you can't expect people to fill you with false hope and encourage you to fight for someone who has told you it is over ... the wanting to be friends with you is another common story on here ... leads to nothing but heartache . That;s why everyone is giving you the advice they are ...no one is here to upset you , we are just telling you our experiences .

 

Try another forum as well it can't do any harm to get as many opinions as you want ....I doubt you will hear anything different .

 

Most people , I include myself , live in hope , I did back then too . I think it can be too hard to let that hope go , it is terrifying and I think we all need to find our own pace and give up when we are ready . So you are doing nothing wring by living in hope right now ..it is fresh and you are needing to do this . But you just can't expect anyone to tell you something they don't think is true or right or an eventual outcome .

[SmileyFace123]

Hi,

 

I read your story. First off I want to say Im sorry I can't imagine how much you're hurting right now. 7 years is a long time.

 

I also want to say I kind of agree with you. When you step back sometimes you see the mistakes that were made and how to fix them in a much better light. It's like when you're in the relationship you're running in a maze, and after you kind of can see things from an above perspective. You can see how the problems can be fixed. Where you need to work on yourself and what to do better. I also think time APART lets a lot of the negative resentment die. Whatever relationship you're in, people will make mistakes. I think time apart lets some old wounds heal.

 

I think why everyone is telling you to stop being this guys friend is because its not doing YOU any favors. In reality you're hoping that you can build a friendship that will eventually turn into a relationship. During this time you're getting hurt and he isn't responding the way you like. He gets the comfort of you, while having the freedom to do what he pleases. It's ultimately a win/win for him. For you it's a lose/lose. You're not getting him and you're not opening yourself up to other options.

 

To be honest I think 7 years is a long time. I don't think he will forget about you or stop loving you for a long time. I also think a lot of things get said that get taken back as life goes on. I believe in never say never, because its often people who you would never think would reconcile who do. However, you do have to listen to what they are saying in the moment. If they do not want to be with you TODAY then there really isn't much you can do to change that. Ultimately as much as every single ENA poster hates it, it's about letting go, moving on, and maybe time/circumstance will bring you back together. If you read the getting back together really happens, you'll see that is what reunites every couple. It's never about how the dumpee tried to be their friend or magically texted their ex back. Usually they let go, moved on, bettered themselves and the dumper realized that they were missing out.

[ParisPaulette]

My life is not on hold in any way. I'm pursuing my goals, considering moving away for another job, having plenty of new experiences, and making new friends. I'm also OPEN to finding another, better love, if one pops into my life, I'm just not actively pursuing it... mostly because it feels inauthentic.

 

Thank you for clarifying that and good for you. I wrote what I did, because too many times I've seen the opposite, heck I've done the opposite myself. Please understand when I give advice it comes from my own personal experiences.

 

Now, I'm going to give you another one. Friendships between exes can work IF it was all a mutual ending of the relationship and/or enough time passed for all romantic feelings between the two exes to die down. I say that because my husband is close friends with an ex, but in their case they ended things mutually, avoided each other for a year to make sure there would be no lingering feelings, then went back to the original friendship they'd had before they became involved with each other. They are both artists who work in a small community and on similar projects, so for them it didn't make sense to never speak to each other and their breakup hadn't been contentious.

 

They developed a good friendship and he gained another friend out of the deal, her husband, and she and her husband gained another friend out of the deal, me. We all get along great. They're good people, I'd date my husband's ex myself if I swung that way, that's how much I like the woman.

 

So what you may want to do, if you feel that strongly about preserving the friendship is to tell your ex this, "I want to be friends too, but I can't while there are still lingering romantic feelings and hopes. So I need time off from you to heal and move on and then later down the line, when neither of us care at all what the other one is doing with the opposite sex, we can be friends again. And we'll catch up then, deal?" And then you give yourself six months at least to take time off from him.

 

And I say that because you need that six months to take a step back, really be able to heal, look at the relationship fully as it was and to learn from it. I think once you do that you'll start to see it wasn't all as good as you'd hoped, then you'll get to be indifferent, then you'll see the good things.

 

Then you can revisit the idea of being friends or at least friendly to each other. The reason you're getting the advice you are is because most of us have tried to be just friends when we still had romantic feelings for the other person and that's what doesn't work. There is nothing to say you two can't be friends in the future, heck there's nothing that says somewhere down the line you wouldn't end up together. It's rare, really rare, but anything in life is possible.

 

It's just that while you are freshly broken up you both need time away from each other to move past the breakup. And honestly if he's going to figure out he made a mistake he'll do that when you are no longer accessible to him on any level and he realizes what he gave up doesn't match what's out there now. But that's a giant IF.

 

I totally agree you shouldn't date right now, completely agree with that. But I think it's a mistake to stay in touch with him at this point in your life fresh off a breakup as well, because one or both of you will be hurt whenever anyone else enters the picture if you don't give yourselves time to let the romantic feelings fade. And that's again the voice of experience speaking.

 

But at the end of the day it is your own decision and none of us can make that for you. All we can do is advise you based on our own experiences, the rest is up to you and life in the end is a far better teacher than anyone on here including me will ever be. I wish you well and I wish for you a bright future regardless.

[ShatteredMan]

There's no way he's going to forget you. However, 7 years is a long time and if he hasn't popped the question after 3-4 years, a woman should question this (if you are in your 30's or 40's). The last relationship I was in, we were friends and neighbors for ten years prior. I knew within 2 months that I wanted to marry her but I thought (tactically) that I should wait for a year (we're both 44).

[Chon]

I think it's worth considering that even though 7 years is a long time, there have been people here who were engaged or were with their partners for equally as many years.

 

What you are offering your ex isn't really friendship. It's not authentic. You will feel upset when you realise that they are no longer interested in spending that much time with you. Simply put, you will no longer be the "best friend" because that role will be given to someone else.

 

There will be barriers in your communication as well, which makes the friendship aspect more inauthentic. It'll just be the elephant in the room.

[AisforBroken]

There's no way he's going to forget you. However, 7 years is a long time and if he hasn't popped the question after 3-4 years, a woman should question this (if you are in your 30's or 40's). The last relationship I was in, we were friends and neighbors for ten years prior. I knew within 2 months that I wanted to marry her but I thought (tactically) that I should wait for a year (we're both 44).

 

This was the first serious relationship for both of us and neither one of us were anywhere near ready to be married, although it was always a plan for the 'far off' future... We've been together since we were 18, fresh out of high school.

 

This is also why I think it could just be that he had "GIGS" or whatever and needs to experience life outside of me. He's never lived on his own (still lives at home), has never really been in the "dating" scene since high school, and that doesn't even count, and hasn't had the chance to really understand how much better a loving, supporting partner is than random hookups & dating people that don't care about you... I think it's just that we were both really young and inexperienced, not that he didn't love me. He wanted to know what being alone was like... and I can't blame him for that...

 

I truly think he's just not ready for lifelong commitment and by staying in his life, I'm essentially just an "option" right now, but I would just be an "option" to any new guy I start dating too, so what's the difference.

I don't think it's demeaning... I think it's just the reality of "dating". And I see no reason not to stay in his life right now, to keep him as an "option" for myself too, if he were to ever come around...

 

And I just don't think he would come around if I disappeared.

[Wiseman2]

Only by missing you could he possibly reflect and realize what he lost. By buzzing around he can explore fresh new women and you make yourself that old comfortable couch, like a worn piece of furniture. So by comparison everything will look great compared to someone just hanging around.

I just don't think he would come around if I disappeared.

[Chon]

This was the first serious relationship for both of us and neither one of us were anywhere near ready to be married, although it was always a plan for the 'far off' future... We've been together since we were 18, fresh out of high school.

 

This is also why I think it could just be that he had "GIGS" or whatever and needs to experience life outside of me. He's never lived on his own (still lives at home), has never really been in the "dating" scene since high school, and that doesn't even count, and hasn't had the chance to really understand how much better a loving, supporting partner is than random hookups & dating people that don't care about you... I think it's just that we were both really young and inexperienced, not that he didn't love me. He wanted to know what being alone was like... and I can't blame him for that...

 

I truly think he's just not ready for lifelong commitment and by staying in his life, I'm essentially just an "option" right now, but I would just be an "option" to any new guy I start dating too, so what's the difference.

I don't think it's demeaning... I think it's just the reality of "dating". And I see no reason not to stay in his life right now, to keep him as an "option" for myself too, if he were to ever come around...

 

And I just don't think he would come around if I disappeared.

 

You have the freedom to choose your own path.

 

I think what people are telling you is that it won't be easy at all. You're effectively underestimating how difficult it is to be friends with someone that you still love.

 

In some ways, it's pretty selfish as well. The dude has pretty much told you that he doesn't want to be with you any more. You're effectively saying, he doesn't know any better, he doesn't know his own mind, he'll change for me when he realises what we had.

 

The things that caused your relationship to breakdown initially probably aren't easy to fix otherwise why didn't you fix them before hand? Saying that it's because the other person wanted to experience "life" is really just an excuse we make for the other person. Our ex's have calmly and rationally decided that the relationship won't work.

 

It doesn't matter if love is involved or not.

[pippy longstocking]

I think you just have to do what you need to do and that is all there is to it .. it is indeed your journey and if you want to be his friend then so be it . I really do believe we all have to find our own way and our own pace and right now you need for you to be his friend .

after a while , when the texts or pm's start to ease off and you get paranoid about what he is doing and looking at his facebook or whatever and see him with another your heart gets broken all over again . You just need to bear things like that in mind .

[SmileyFace123]

I just want to offer this perspective.

 

My friend also young 20s had been with her boyfriend a long time. About 6 years or so. About a year ago she dumped him.

 

There were problems in the relationship, yes. But honestly if they were willing to work on them, it would be ok. His main issues were that he was clingy, very jealous, and controlling. She said she was fed up with it but honestly straight up there was also GIGS. she had been with the same guy for years, she wanted to try single life and what else was out there.

 

She has remained friends with her ex, who she knows still loves her. She told me she still loves her ex, cares about her ex, and wants him in her life. She explicitly told me she will always love and think about him. He still will do just about anything for her. she is still with her new man, who of course she puts first though.

 

She explicitly told me she "keeps him around because her new guy doesn't provide her with the same level of security. So it's nice to have her ex around to make up for it." She doesn't believe that he will ever move on and that she can just keep him there to fill in where her current boyfriend lacks.

 

Here is the thing her and her current boyfriend aren't going to last. He has already stated that he is planning to move away for grad school and will not do an LDR and doesn't expect her to follow. I promise when this happens she will go crying to her ex.. Who will unconditionally help her. And then what? She probably will continue to play the field and use him as a "safety net."

 

Knowing this girl i PROMISE, if her ex walked away, worked on his issues, and began seeing other girls. She would freak out. She would go running back, especially when her current relationship ends. It's because she can keep him on this level that she doesnt do anything. It would end up being a win/win for him because either she would come back or he would meet another great girl. But I am very certain she would come back tbh.

 

ultimately only YOU know what's best for you. But I think why everyone is recommending to not be friends, is because it rarely gets the dumpee anywhere. And they just continue to get hurt. Because be honest with yourself, you're hurting every time you talk to him. Every time you're wishing he would say "I love you" or that you could say it to him. When I was still hopeful that I might get to reconcile I went and searched all the back together stories. Almost every single one of them was when time, space, and the dumpee moving on occurred.

[pippy longstocking]

You have just summed up nicely smiley , why , a dumper keeps the dumped in their life ...