I want to spend my life with my ex... I'm willing to wait... but he says "never"

[AisforBroken]

I’m hoping someone can help me clear some things up or shed some light on my situation.

 

My ex and I broke up about 4 and a half months ago, and we were together for almost 7 years. We were absolutely in love for a most of the time, & we were best friends, we lived together, spent the majority of our mutual time together, had 2 dogs together... talked about future together regularly ... marriage and children SOMEDAY... the whole sha-bang. It was a serious relationship and I honestly thought we would always be together.

 

 

Our relationship started to fizzle out over the last year (maybe even longer). I had graduated and was working a 9-5 and he was in school and extremely focused on his art/senior year of college. I was feeling neglected because he was spending weekends & nights at school and jealous of the other students (girls) he was spending time with when he was there. This (naturally) wore on the relationship and by the time I noticed it was not just a phase, and our relationship might actually be in trouble, I think I was so insecure and needy (maybe even a bit depressed) and he was mentally & emotionally checked out… there were too many negative emotions swirling around to fix it…

 

 

He brought up wanting to possibly break up ("questioning the relationship") and I suggested we both really TRY before giving up… that 7 years was worth giving it a real shot before walking away… he agreed & said that he was really in it (that he wouldn't "double down" just to throw it away). For the next month, it seemed really great. I thought everything was going well… at least MUCH better than it had been, but there was still some resentment on my end and he probably didn't feel the "spark" what he wanted to, so as soon as we hit one road bump (and I mean a TINY road bump) he ended it anyway. I think there were just too many emotions built up by that point and we were doing better, but still kinda stuck.

 

 

Anyway, I obviously want him back now that I’ve realized what broke us up. I know the love was there and I know once the negative emotions are out of the way, we would have a good relationship again, but I don't know how to make him see that. I think sometimes you need to step back in order to let things die down… but I didn’t see it that way when we broke up. I did all the wrong things in the beginning and pushed him away… cried, sent him pages of texts, etc (I actually deleted all his pictures on his Instagram feed because I saw he was messaging other girls a week after we broke up...) I was EXTREMELY depressed for the first 2-3 months… like didn’t even know if I would ever be able to feel happiness again… but I took time and have done A LOT of work on myself and truly feel I am in such a good place... I've accepted things as they are right now and I feel really good about my life, but I still feel he is missing. I don't know why I can't shake it. I still want to be with him.

 

 

He wants to be friends & has offered his friendship since day 1. He says it would be terrible to lose me completely, and wants me in his life, but I don’t feel he really treats me like a friend. I know, because we were friends before we got into a relationship, and I know how he treats his other friends. He has walls up, which (I think) means he's still emotional about the break up. He also says now (this is new) that we will “never, ever, ever be together again” that it “makes him upset to think about” and that there are “millions of other girls he’s happy to take his chances on, when he's ready” and "it would be the single dumbest decision he could make to go back to me". I obviously disagree, because I know things would be different - no doubt about it - because I've seen all the mistakes we (I) made that I couldn't see when we were together and I have grown and changed so much in just 4 months... but I don't want to argue with him about it and push him away. I feel he needs to just see it naturally and come to his own conclusions for it to work. Also, saying "there are a million girls" makes me sound like "just another girl" which is obviously not true... we know each other on an intimate level and have the ability (when he doesn't have walls up) to get along as best friends -- I'm not just "any" girl to him and I can't believe that he sees me that way either.

 

 

But the thing that confuses me is that when we broke up and after we broke up, he said that “who knows what will happen in the future, maybe we'll be together if things work out that way. nothing is for sure.” He also told me multiple times that he still loved me and was confused about his decision, but still feels it’s for the best, for the sake of his art and personal growth, & not because we weren't good together. (His reason was and remains to this day that he “doesn’t have time to dedicate to a relationship and want to focus ONLY on his art, so he can be sure that he’s putting his all into it -- but I don't believe that's all there is to it, or he would want to be with me again when he was ready for a relationship, right??)… But anyway, I can’t help but think this change of heart is just because he hasn’t had time for all the negative emotions to subside, or he is just confused about his feelings right now, and although he may truly mean it right now, and believe that we will never be together again, that things can change if the timing for him is right (he is ready for a relationship again) and I am able to show him that I have grown up and changed too and that it would be different.

 

 

We are texting pretty regularly now and I’m seeing him open up more and more recently. I’m trying to just be happy and positive with him, build our friendship again, and am avoiding bringing up our relationship anymore since he told me we would “never, ever, ever be together again”…. He also opened up to me recently that he hasn’t been happy at all, and has done some things he's not proud of just to 'feel something', but he said he feels he's just adjusting to his "new life" without me. I can't help but feel this unhappiness is because he still loves me, and he is confused or doesn't want to admit it to himself because he knows he doesn't want a relationship right now in order to focus on his art, but I think it will catch up with him. I know I can't and shouldn't count on this, but everything in me wants to.

 

 

I love him with all my heart, truly, and I want him to be happy, so I don’t want to push him into anything that makes him uncomfortable, and I understand he doesn’t want a relationship right now… so we can't be together currently... but I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship & I’ve learned more in these last 4 months than I have in the last 4 years, and I have honestly grown into a person I know he would love, the person that he fell in love with. And I know if he would just give me a chance… a chance to prove I can make him happy again, that things would be different… less complicated, less emotional, less negative... the resentment I had for him is gone now and seems so trivial to me. I just simply want him in my life, and I had to lose him to learn that... So, I’ve accepted the friendship, because I know he doesn't want more than that, but deep down I am hoping for more again, at some point in the future, when he is ready, and a part of me is hoping that staying in his life will help me with that, although I would want him in my life regardless.

 

 

I do not feel the desperate need to be with him that I did following the break up... I feel more of a strong affection for him. I want to show him the love I feel for him, I want to be there for him, I want to support him, because I was unable to do all of those things for a long time at the end of our relationship, and I regret it now. Being his friend is the only way for me to do that right now, but a large part of me hopes I can love him and be with him on a deeper level again in the future. I also, honestly, think that I would be happy for him if he found himself in love with someone who made him happy (TRULY happy!). I don't hope this happens, but I would be happy for him. This makes me think that my love for him is... pure, I guess, because as much as I want to love him to make myself happy, I want to make him happy too, and I don't remember feeling this way since the beginning of our relationship. Definitely not towards the end... I wanted and expected him to make me happy without reciprocating... It seems I have learned how to love him again, since being broken up...

 

 

So my question to you is: Do you think anything I am thinking makes sense or is it just wishful thinking? I can't help but believe he still loves me. I also can’t imagine being in another relationship when I still think there is a chance with him someday… He’s said twice now that we will NEVER, EVER be together again… but I can’t help but keep holding onto hope and keeping him in my life, even as a friend, because I love him so much and I truly think he still loves me too, he just forgot, or is suppressing it, or is unsure OR just hasn't had a chance to see that I've changed… Do you think he could just be in a confused/ emotional state right now?… Do you think “never, ever” really means “never, ever”… Part of me thinks that he will stick to it just because he is stubborn and if he said it, he can't go back on his word, but another (larger) part of me thinks he's going to get to a point where he can't ignore his feelings anymore... feelings that I believe are still there. OR it's quite possible he truly is afraid of things reverting back to the way they were at the end... and in that case, I need to make him see they wouldn't.

 

 

I know TIME is the only true answer here… just “wait and see”... and I honestly don't care how long it takes. I'm learning to love being alone, although lonely at times, but I know I want to spend my life with him eventually. I sometimes feel like a crazy ex thinking things like that, especially now that he's said "we will never be together again"... but I just don't believe it. I'm relentless... in the most loving way possible.

 

 

*I should also mention that we have not seen each other in person since the break up because I moved home - out of state - when we broke up.... meeting in person may make all the difference, because I know he'd see the changed me, the girl he fell in love with again - the girl who loves HIM again.*

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but anyone who keeps saying this is not worth spending your time or energy on. You need to believe him whether you agree with this decision or not.

 

"He also says that we will “never, ever, ever be together again” that it “makes him upset to think about” and that there are “millions of other girls he’s happy to take his chances on, when he's ready” and "it would be the single dumbest decision he could make to go back to me".

 

He has to tell himself over and over that he doesn't regret it, and go to the extreme of "WE WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER AGAIN, I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN BE WITH YOU AGAIN" to convince himself he made the right decision...

[happyfrank]

Holding out for false hope. If you truly love him. Let him go. Give him the chance to be happy

 

Don't text him back and let him truly be single and enjoy his life.

 

In time, you will find somebody that wants to be with you too. He already told you twice. he doesn't see a future with you.

 

Good luck.

[pippy longstocking]

It is a bit too long for me personally to read ...I just had my pre dinner marley ...

 

anyway ...just skating through and the title ...if he has said no ..never ..there is nothing you can do ..I saw you say he wanted to be friends ...don't do it to yourself ... people agree to this just to be in their lifes and it slowly rots the soul ...You was with him a long time darling , so obviously this is going to be hard ..but you will do it ..he has rejected the chance twice and I am sorry to say he has made it very very clear ..

[reinventmyself]

There is no motivation for him to consider reconciling seeing he has you right where he wants you on a demoted basis.

 

He started thinking about ending this long before you were aware and has adjusted to the idea. Especially in light of his firm statements of never reconciling.

7 years is a long time when you are young. Young people change exponentially in their late teens and early 20's and what seemed like a good idea 7 years ago has likely run it's course.

 

I am sorry but I don't think it's likely you will get back together.

The only slim chance that it might happen is when he realizes what he's lost. But by being so available and under his nose he'll never experience that.

Cut contact with him and work on moving on.

[AisforBroken]

Holding out for false hope. If you truly love him. Let him go. Give him the chance to be happy

 

Don't text him back and let him truly be single and enjoy his life.

 

In time, you will find somebody that wants to be with you too. He already told you twice. he doesn't see a future with you.

 

Good luck.

 

 

He is the one who reached out to me for a friendship, and I don't want to cut him from my life, whether we will ever be together or not, I still want to be there for him.

[pippy longstocking]

The only slim chance that it might happen is when he realizes what he's lost. But by being so available and under his nose he'll never experience that.

Cut contact with him and work on moving on.

 

This is the answer to 80% of the threads on here ...as much as it hurts ..that is the reality .

[reinventmyself]

He is the one who reached out to me for a friendship, and I don't want to cut him from my life, whether we will ever be together or not, I still want to be there for him.

 

Have some pride. You are truly willing to be demoted to being his friend? Is that all you really want?

He is likely dating or going to date and you `want to be there for him' ?

 

I'll tell you something ~

 

If I breakup with someone and they become so available to me, agree to be my friend as well `be there for me' when I know they are still hoping I change my mind,

I lose respect for them.

 

Don't do this to yourself.

[AisforBroken]

I am sorry but I don't think it's likely you will get back together.

The only slim chance that it might happen is when he realizes what he's lost. But by being so available and under his nose he'll never experience that.

Cut contact with him and work on moving on.

 

 

This seems like game playing to me... I want him to be with me because he loves the person I am and chooses me, not because he's nostalgic about our relationship now that it's gone. That seems like a disaster waiting to happen. He'll only want it because it's out of reach and then what happens when he gets it?

[rosephase]

You can't be friends with him. Not yet. You are still hoping for more. By pretending to be friends you are lying to him. You are presenting yourself falsely to try and get him into a relationship that he is clearly stating that he doesn't want. This effort will only end in heartbreak for you. Stop being in contact with him and give yourself time and space to heal. You can't honestly be his friend months out of a seven year relationship.

 

If you've put real work into changing then you will carry it into your next relationship and it will help with that. But for now? Cut off contact, grieve, heal and work on making yourself happy.

[chitown9]

Yeah...you need to let this go. Telling you he wants you as a friend is just his way of letting you down easy. Give it up. He wants to explore his options. It is not just what you want. You are just not really listening to what he is saying. You are putting your twist on it. ](*,)chi

[AisforBroken]

Have some pride. You are truly willing to be demoted to being his friend? Is that all you really want?

He is likely dating or going to date and you `want to be there for him' ?

 

I'll tell you something ~

 

If I breakup with someone and they become so available to me, agree to be my friend as well `be there for me' when I know they are still hoping I change my mind,

I lose respect for them.

 

Don't do this to yourself.

 

Maybe it's a lack of understanding of who I am and the relationship we had... I have plenty of self-respect. A lot of newly found self-respect, actually, and I don't think that he could ever lose respect for me. We both think very highly of each other. I think it's a very courageous decision and takes a strong person to not just say "you know... if I can't have you how I want you, then you don't get to have me in your life at all." I, personally, feel better having him available to me as a friend than forcing myself, against all my better judgement, to not speak to him at all. No contact was difficult for me and felt wrong, but I only did it to heal myself. Now that I'm in a good place, I don't see any reason to cut contact.

 

If the only way to get him to change his mind is by playing games, I don't think I want that.

[Wiseman2]

"we will “never, ever, ever be together again”" doesn't sound like nostalgia.

 

Unfortunately you are projecting your feelings onto him assuming that he feels the same but is just "confused" and telling you these things but secretly still wants a relationship...Because that is what you are thinking.

I want him to be with me because he loves the person I am and chooses me, not because he's nostalgic about our relationship now that it's gone.

[happyfrank]

He is the one who reached out to me for a friendship, and I don't want to cut him from my life, whether we will ever be together or not, I still want to be there for him.

 

If your okay truly being friends and being invited to his wedding when he finds the one. So be it.

 

Just don't wait for something that's not there.

[AisforBroken]

Although I appreciate every bit of input, it's crazy to me that nobody sees even a glimpse of what I see, and nobody can agree that "yes, maybe... possibly... that could happen... you seem to have changed and maybe if he sees it..."

 

But I guess nobody can truly understand because they weren't in the relationship, they didn't feel what I felt, and they aren't ME....

 

Plus, it's easier to just give the generic advice of "MOVE ON... HE MEANS WHAT HE SAYS... YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN" .... The same advice I read on EVERY SINGLE breakup article online... I just can't believe that humans (or love) are that shallow... that minds can't change.

 

I guess everyone wants to believe they are special / different and that all the generic advice doesn't apply. That's me.

[rosephase]

Maybe it's a lack of understanding of who I am and the relationship we had... I have plenty of self-respect. A lot of newly found self-respect, actually, and I don't think that he could ever lose respect for me. We both think very highly of each other. I think it's a very courageous decision and takes a strong person to not just say "you know... if I can't have you how I want you, then you don't get to have me in your life at all." I, personally, feel better having him available to me as a friend than forcing myself, against all my better judgement, to not speak to him at all. No contact was difficult for me and felt wrong, but I only did it to heal myself. Now that I'm in a good place, I don't see any reason to cut contact.

 

If the only way to get him to change his mind is by playing games, I don't think I want that.

 

You are not in a good place. I'm sorry. You might be feeling less terrible but you are letting yourself live in a delusion. That isn't healthy. You aren't over him. You are tracking everything he says trying to find a way in. You are trying to be the person he wants to such an extent you aren't letting yourself really heal. It takes longer then a few months to heal from a 7 year relationship. You aren't really ready to be in contact with him, you are just hoping that if do everything "right" he will come back. BUT HE IS TELLING YOU HE WON'T. He is saying "never ever" because he is trying to be kind and clear. You are ignoring him because you really hope that he might change his mind. You are only hurting yourself.

[AisforBroken]

You are not in a good place. I'm sorry. You might be feeling less terrible but you are letting yourself live in a delusion. That isn't healthy. You aren't over him. You are tracking everything he says trying to find a way in. You are trying to be the person he wants to such an extent you aren't letting yourself really heal. It takes longer then a few months to heal from a 7 year relationship. You aren't really ready to be in contact with him, you are just hoping that if do everything "right" he will come back. BUT HE IS TELLING YOU HE WON'T. He is saying "never ever" because he is trying to be kind and clear. You are ignoring him because you really hope that he might change his mind. You are only hurting yourself.

 

I'm not hurt by it though.

 

Look at it like... a best friend that you're in love with, but you just deal with it because you've been friendzoned. lol. (also... these situations happen all the time and the two end up together)

 

We are friends, we enjoy each others' company and conversation, and respect each others' opinions and are interested in each others' ideas, and he's not someone I ever want to lose in my life, because we have a great connection, but if he were to ever want it, I would love to be with him (I WANT to be with him!), but it's also okay if I'm not. I think he can fall back in love with me though.

 

I'm okay with the idea of him finding someone else, because I honestly don't think anyone will compare... but if I'm wrong, that's okay too.

 

I just want to know if anyone else thinks it's even possible for him to change his mind, or if it's happened to anyone else... and the consensus seems pretty dreary in this forum.

 

 

I look at it this way: I told him we would never be together when we met, that I only saw him as a friend, and ended up falling for him.

And now we have history and time and intimacy on our side, so I don't think it's impossible. Not sure why everyone else does!

[happyfrank]

Although I appreciate every bit of input, it's crazy to me that nobody sees even a glimpse of what I see, and nobody can agree that "yes, maybe... possibly... that could happen... you seem to have changed and maybe if he sees it..."

 

But I guess nobody can truly understand because they weren't in the relationship, they didn't feel what I felt, and they aren't ME....

 

Plus, it's easier to just give the generic advice of "MOVE ON... HE MEANS WHAT HE SAYS... YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN" .... The same advice I read on EVERY SINGLE breakup article online... I just can't believe that humans (or love) are that shallow... that minds can't change.

 

I guess everyone wants to believe they are special / different and that all the generic advice doesn't apply. That's me.

 

Because we are human and share the same experiences.

 

The heart wants what it wants. If he really wanted to be with you. He would put in more of an effort to be with you.

 

I understand it's hard to accept this. It takes time.

[AisforBroken]

Well, you better believe I'll be back here to tell my story if it ever happens. lol

[rosephase]

I have exs that I am close to. People I love and have figured out how to have a relationship with that isn't romantic or sexual because that aspect of our relationship didn't work for one or both of us. I did that work because I love them and I want to have them in my life. They are really my friends and I value our current relationship. But that took YEARS. YEARS of healing. Of moving on. Of letting go.

 

If this person is important enough that you really need to keep him in your life, stop talking to him. If you keep trying for a friendship, that you are really hoping will turn back into a relationship, you will end up resentful and perhaps damage the friendship. It might sound easy now... but what about when he really falls in love with someone else and starts dating her? You SAY you'l be happy for him (If you deem it to be a good relationship) but that is a lot harder to do then to say.

 

Personally? I don't think you can really be friends with him while you are hoping to be in a relationship with him. Take a year... or hell take 3.5 years (It's my thought that it takes half the time you were in the relationship to fully get over it) and then see if you even still want to be friends with him.

[ParisPaulette]

I want to spend my life with my ex... I'm willing to wait... but he says "never"

 

Then you are going to be waiting for a very long time and a life, yours, wasted. That's just sad. And trust me somewhere down the line when you're older and you have nothing to show for it, you will be rightly POed at yourself for having hung in there and followed every stupid Hollywood movie that sells the idea that putting your life on hold will eventually reward you further down the line. But then movies also like to portray that the villain never really dies and young teenagers having sex get offed on a regular basis too.

 

My point is Hollywood films, romance novels, and all that crap are terrible, terrible things to base this idea of "waiting" on someone. You aren't waiting for a soldier to come home from a war. This guy has bluntly told you it is never happening. So why would you even want to stay in touch with him?

 

Block, delete, take the time and grieve and heal then move the heck on. You don't get back your time, your youth, your beauty, your opportunities that would come along if you weren't wasting all of it on someone who has already told you no. And yes, I've been there, stop wasting your life. Life is precious, time is all too short. You don't waste it on a no, ever.

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't need to get back with you because he can be "your friend" while he shops around for other women. So why bother getting back together if you are sitting around for him?

 

He can't miss you, he can't reflect on what he lost, he can't imagine what being without you would be like,etc Why? Because you are still right there like a doormat.

[greta96]

" I think it's a very courageous decision and takes a strong person to not just say "you know... if I can't have you how I want you, then you don't get to have me in your life at all." I, personally, feel better having him available to me as a friend than forcing myself, against all my better judgement, to not speak to him at all. No contact was difficult for me and felt wrong, but I only did it to heal myself. Now that I'm in a good place, I don't see any reason to cut contact."

 

There is a big reason to cut contact, and that reason is very apparent in this thread. Just look at the title of your post: "I want to spend my life with him". This means you are far from ready to be just his friend, and that despite feeling better about everything, you are still hoping he'll eventually change his mind. You want him in your life not to be his friend, but to keep him close so he doesn't forget about you and move on. You don't want to be "out of sight out of mind". But, this is not real friendship, and it will only backfire and hurt you in the end.

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't be friends with him, I'm sure after all the time you spent together he will always have a special place in his heart for you. But, not the kind of place you hope, and he made that very clear. Wait to be his friend until you are no longer tempted to write this type of posts, until you no longer think you two belong together, and he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. When you get to that point, where you can just talk and hang out sometimes without any romantic feelings, and even share stories about the people you are both dating, then yes, you can talk about a friendship. Until then, tell him that you need more time to get to a better place where you two are concerned, and when you're ready to be a friend you'll be in touch.

[AisforBroken]

He doesn't need to get back with you because he can be "your friend" while he shops around for other women. So why bother getting back together if you are sitting around for him?

 

He can't miss you, he can't reflect on what he lost, he can't imagine what being without you would be like,etc Why? Because you are still right there like a doormat.

 

 

I wouldn't call myself a doormat at all. If you consider caring about someone and wanting to be there for them being their "doormat" then sure... but we've both made the decision to have a friendship. I'm not doing it because he wants it, I'm doing it because I want it. Yes, I would prefer more, but I understand that friendship is all that he can offer me, and I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all.

 

He is also not shopping around for other women. He said even if he randomly met "the perfect woman" he wouldn't want a relationship with her and doesn't want a relationship at all for a few years. He truly just wants to navigate life alone right now because he's never had to/ "gotten to" before and thinks it's something he needs to do.

[reinventmyself]

I want to spend my life with my ex... I'm willing to wait... but he says "never"

 

So I guess this wasn't a question, but rather rhetorical?