Poor communication or manipulation?

[conflicted57]

My (22F) boyfriend (22M) and I have had a rocky relationship for the past year and a half. Lately, I feel as though I am not receiving anything from the relationship and he cancels plans, does not make an effort to see me, and thinks that seeing me once a week is enough and twice is too much. I am always the one making the plans and he denies my efforts 4/5 times. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me and has decided that he no longer wants to have sex (due to personal insecurities he's dealing with).

 

I have tried to tell him how I feel, but he just tells me that I take everything he does for me (?) for granted and he's not out cheating or doing anything "bad" he's just hanging out by himself. He lists all the things he does that are thoughtful and tells me I'm just being needy and want him on a leash. Mind you, these "thoughtful" occurrences happen once a week and usually just involve him buying me dinner, It's as though he puts in mechanical effort when needed but never emotional effort. Granted, I have gotten upset with him a lot recently for his lack of effort but he just says every time I bring it up it makes him want to see me less. So I have stopped asking him to hang out, stopped expecting a lot, and have agreed to respect his sexual boundaries. But I'm miserable. He tells me I'm just upset because of my own insecurities and I have no reason to get mad at him, basically I need to get a life. But I do have a life, and am quite busy, but will always make time to see him and he will never do the same for me unless it's a week in advance and I make him promise. He was away for a week and I have still not seen him (5 days later) since he returned even though we live 20 minutes away.

 

Am I being crazy or do I have a right to be upset? I'm tired of feeling hurt and then being made to feel wrong, irrational, or like it's my fault until I end up apologizing and the fight "ends". Nothing ever gets resolved and I don't know what to do.

[SkylarG]

No it's not crazy that you feel upset. You have every right to feel the way you feel and he has the right to feel like he feels. I honestly believe the problem isn't you. He has something going on with himself and he is trying to work that out. At this point in your relationship it's just an obstacle. Now the question is are you willing to stay or leave? Either one you choose is not wrong, but be real to yourself. Take a break and give him space and just think. A lot of the time especially for girls we tend to put everyone else in front of our own feelings. Talk to yourself and do what makes you happy.

[MissCanuck]

Sorry OP, but I think it's safe to say he's lost interest in the relationship. That's why he's not making any effort to see you or change.

 

I don't feel most people would be satisfied with a relationship like this. You are not wrong to be upset. However, you cannot change him. He's made it clear he doesn't want to That would be my cue to call it a day on this. I have a feeling he's waiting for you to do so, anyway.

[DancingFool]

Why are you putting up with this? He is treating you like dirt, has zero respect for you, your sex life is dead, he dismisses your feelings and concerns and goes so far as you call you crazy.....I mean seriously.....which part of this mess if making it worth the effort to keep him around? Dump him. In your shoes, I'd just quit talking to him and disappear. Sounds to me like if you stop contacting him and trying to make plans he won't contact you anyway. In other words he is such a coward that even though he has been checked out of this relationship for ages, he doesn't have the decency to end things with you. Instead he is treating you horribly hoping you'll have enough and do the dirty work of dumping him. This loser is not worth your time or anguish.

[conflicted57]

The thing is, when I bring up breaking up he freaks out and doesn't want me to leave. He will say comments like "I guess I'm not enough for you" and "Typical of you to just run away and try to get with someone else" ( I've broken up with him for a period of two months in the past and ended up accidentally kissing a friend when drunk but nothing else)

[DancingFool]

The thing is, when I bring up breaking up he freaks out and doesn't want me to leave. He will say comments like "I guess I'm not enough for you" and "Typical of you to just run away and try to get with someone else" ( I've broken up with him for a period of two months in the past and ended up accidentally kissing a friend when drunk but nothing else)

 

That's kind of the point. He is a coward and a loser. He will play victim, he will manipulate and then guess what? He goes back to treating you like dirt because by sticking around you are allowing it. You don't bring up breaking up like it's a suggestion or some kind of an option. You simply dump him and remove him from your life. As block, delete, mail his crap back to him and never see his sorry azz again. At 22 I just can't imagine wasting time on a guy like that.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, but agree with other posters that he is losing interest and completely checked out. It sounds like he's dating or trying to date others, are you exclusive?

 

You mention "rocky" does that mean fights? on/off? What do you mean "respect his sexual boundaries"? Having no affection/sex is a giant red flag, along with all the other red flags.

 

Sorry but he has checked out, is coasting along and hoping you get so fed up that you finally end it so he doesn't have to do the dirty work

 

You need to pull the plug rather than listen to his insulting rationalizations. Why is he bothering at all? Sounds like his time sex affection and energy is going to someone else. Very few 22 y/o want to be in a celibate relationship.

I have had a rocky relationship for the past year and a half. he cancels plans, does not make an effort to see me. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me and has decided that he no longer wants to have sex. tells me I'm just being needy and want him on a leash basically I need to get a life.

[MissCanuck]

He gets mad when you threaten to leave not because he's in love with you, but it bruises his ego. It takes away his convenient source of affection and attention (which he only accepts on his terms, it seems)

 

I agree with a couple others that it sounds like he might already be seeing someone else. There are certainly some red flags for it.

 

He's clearly not bothered enough to change, so why are you still hanging on?