Struggling:(

[Belle2017]

I would love people to give me a reality check My lover of 2 years has broken up with me - we had a long distance relationship but saw each other on average monthly. He is 10 years older than me (early 50s) and has struggled to have a stable relationship since he broke up with his wife 15 years ago because she wanted kids and he didn't.

 

He has had several distance romances - and initially didn't want us to have one as he's over them. I get that. He feels like the clock is ticking and he lives too much in the virtual world. I get that he wants to pull the plug and long distance is so frustrating. I understand him being reluctant to continue. There has been a lot of miscommunication and I've previously tried to move on by meeting other men, but am always drawn back to him.

 

But. He is giving me so many mixed messages. We text and talk for hours a day. He says he still cares about me. There are other complications (of course!). I can spell those out if anyone responds. But I'm struggling to move on and feel like I'm stuck. How do I release someone I genuinely love when I feel like he keeps lines of communication open because he might fall back in love with me? Why do people break up but stay in touch - he says we get along and have a special connection, but why is he in touch? Is it appeasing his ego, his vanity - is it punishing me? Any thought on this would be highly appreciated...

[reinventmyself]

He gets the privilege of your loyalty and attention, yet you get nothing in return.

 

Why does he stay in touch? Because you allow it.

 

You have to be strong and recognize that he is giving you only enough to keep you from moving on, but not enough to call it a relationship.

 

This way he can do a slow fade while he shops for your replacement.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like he strings a lot of women along. This is why he prefers LDRs he can do whatever he wants and have several women going at once, if he wanted.

 

It sounds like you haven't broken up if he's still texting and talking for hours a day. It sounds like he's trying other things out so keeping you on the hook while fading.

 

It would be your responsibility to define things by stating that limbo is not for you and going no contact so you can heal and move on.

My lover of 2 years has broken up with me - we had a long distance relationship but saw each other on average monthly. He feels like the clock is ticking and he lives too much in the virtual world. We text and talk for hours a day. He says he still cares about me.

[gebaird]

I feel like he keeps lines of communication open because he might fall back in love with me

 

Instead of wondering why he keeps the lines of communication open, ask yourself why you are allowing this situation to continue. If you're hoping it will get better, it sounds like a long shot at best. Make your relationship decisions based on how things are right now, not how you want them to be or hope they could become.

 

You deserve someone who loves you, wants you and actively pursues you. I recommend pulling the plug on this relationship when you are ready and filling the void with something that has a chance of going somewhere.

 

Sorry it isn't working out the way you want. It's so hard to love someone who doesn't love you back -- not in the way you want him to, anyway.

[limichelle]

Long distance is such a struggle especially if you end up meeting that way. I know I was just there and now out of it. You need someone closer and someone not wish washy. They either want you or don't. You deserve the guy who would do anything for you. Cut him lose and refuse to be his back up plan. If you remain friends do set boundaries.

 

Lisa

[SherrySher]

What does he get out of it? Booty call whenever he please and zero strings attached, and can have you running when he wants or push you away when he doesn't want and you won't go anywhere. For someone like him who is not serious and never will be this is exactly the type of situation that works for him. He could have more than one on the go as well and you'd never know.

[Iamflowergirl]

I have a rule when it comes to dating that I never stay in contact with my exes and it has been stress free. Why on earth would you want to go back to that mess? Forget him and focus on yourself. Learn to be happy alone. If there's a lesson I learned well, it was too focus all my love on me alone. Trust me, when you are truly happy with yourself, people will flock to you. Live in the present, not the past. Best of luck.

[Belle2017]

Thanks - you guys are fantastic! I have always struggled with ending relationships. He has massive issues around abandonment (I know we all have issues lol) and he isn't very self aware about his emotional state. I struggle to let him go as he's always the one who's been dumped, and that's his schema. He's ended our relationship before but got massively jealous when I met someone new before he did. We then reconnected but now he's adamant he doesn't want to do long distance. I guess if I understood his motives I could move on. And maybe I'm kidding myself that there's a future. You have all given me a lot of food for thought

[gebaird]

I guess if I understood his motives I could move on.

 

Whether or not you understand his motives, you can admit that this dysfunctional non-relationship isn't working for you and isn't likely to change. That should be all the motivation you need to move on.

[Belle2017]

Thanks gebaird. I don't know why I feel like I have to understand why, if that makes sense. I appreciate everyone's insights about moving on - why is it so hard to do that ...

[katara42]

Thanks gebaird. I don't know why I feel like I have to understand why, if that makes sense. I appreciate everyone's insights about moving on - why is it so hard to do that ...

I've been there, needing to understand, make sense of it all. I don't think it helped tho. Because I worried about his mental state or whatever, managing his emotions above mine. That wasn't fair to anyone. I think that if you're going to be with someone who requires that much understanding, you have to be perfectly clear regarding yourself. I wasn't and just kept getting overwhelmed by him. Or something like that, idk if it makes sense or not. Moving on is so much suckage. It's hard because we're addicted to the chemicals "love" releases I should do pushup or something when I'm missing my fix

[limichelle]

It's hard to move on because of the "what ifs". You have to remind yourself you aren't losing out on a future with a guy who can't even be in your present.

[Belle2017]

These are all so beautifully expressed. Thank you. It's actually really comforting I love the reminders about how some of it's brain chemistry - I need to rewire those neurotransmitters which have gotten hooked on a cycle. But I also love the insight into not living in the future - I need to recognise and accept the reality of the present

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately pity, even that he has evoked as a manipulation tool, is never a good reason to drag things out.

 

You do not need to understand his motives in order to move on, you need to understand yours for staying.

He has massive issues around abandonment

he isn't very self aware about his emotional state.

he's always the one who's been dumped,

He's ended our relationship before but got massively jealous

[gebaird]

Thanks gebaird. I don't know why I feel like I have to understand why, if that makes sense. I appreciate everyone's insights about moving on - why is it so hard to do that ...

 

It's common to want to know the reasons why -- our brains are wired for story, and real-life endings can be messy. In breakup scenarios, thoughts like this are common. But you really won't find closure until you let go of the need to know and just make your peace with what is.

[Belle2017]

Thanks to everyone who responded. Your clear-eyed insights are helping me move on already. This forum has made me see how common the experience of an ex who can't let go is - they could be stringing you along for sex, they could be addicted to the drama, who knows. What I am understanding now is that I was honest, healthy and functional enough to admit my feelings even when his changed. Giving energy to someone who doesn't want you and can coldly tell you they "care for you" but don't love you is pointless. Giving love to someone who sends mixed messages and toys with your feelings is self-destructive : )

[Belle2017]

Just an update. I went on a few dates and told my ex about them, only to have him put the guys down. I pointed out that maybe in order to respect his wishes and move on I shouldn't keep him up to date on my life and text so frequently, so now I'm moving into No Contact mode. Thanks again for all your advice and wish me luck!!