Boyfriend liked a picture on Facebook of a girl who he is friends with but also

[jessren11]

My boyfriend liked the new profile picture of a girl he has been friends with for a long time but also had sex with only twice. She came onto him and said he only had sex because he wanted sex. He never had any type of interest in her or found her to be attractive but he talked to her when he had no one else to talk to and he also is a recovering addict and so is she so he said he liked it to say "hey hope your doing okay" because they both deal with the same thing. Also it was only a face picture nothing else was showing. He said he never liked her or had interest in being with her, she did and he said he could have been with her by didn't want her and only liked the picture because she had messaged to see how he was doing when he came home from jail and he was only being nice and nothing more. This has been bothering me for so long and I'm worried that he liked it for a different reason than he said and he always says if he wanted her he would have been with her years ago. Also he hasn't seen her, hung out, or done anything with her in over five years. And she always would inquire about how he was and if he needed to talk. We had been dating for a couple months and I just want to know if it's something I should still be worried about now that we have been together for 2 1/2 years and he wants to marry me

[Seraphim]

I would be much more worried about the addict and jail.

[reinventmyself]

I wish I had a dollar for every new post where someone has issues with someone else `liking' a photo.

 

I'd could retire.

 

I am sorry. I know I am not being helpful.

[Wiseman2]

It seems they have a special bond from the old days when they were addicts and in recovery and when he got out of jail.

 

She seems to understand the dark side of his life because she is part of it. Social media remarks and likes don't mean anything beyond that.

 

Is he on parole? Did he do jail time for drug charges? Does he attend groups and get help with sobriety? These seem like much bigger red flags than liking a new profile pic of a friend, no?

 

Why is this suddenly bothering you? Are you living together or formally engaged?

friends with for a long time but also had sex with only twice. he also is a recovering addict and so is she so. we have been together for 2 1/2 years and he wants to marry me

[jessren11]

It seems they have a special bond from the old days when they were addicts and in recovery and when he got out of jail.

 

She seems to understand the dark side of his life because she is part of it. Social media remarks and likes don't mean anything beyond that.

 

Is he on parole? Did he do jail time for drug charges? Does he attend groups and get help with sobriety? These seem like much bigger red flags than like a new profile pic of a friend, no?

 

Why is this suddenly bothering you? Are you living together or formally engaged?

 

Thanks he is almost off of parole and is on methadone so he is not using drugs anymore. We are living together but are not formally engaged.

[DancingFool]

So drug addict, jail, parole....those things are all cool with you but an FB like is a problem??? Methinks you need to get your head screwed on straight and evaluate your priorities in life......

[Scoe141]

We had been dating for a couple months and I just want to know if it's something I should still be worried about now that we have been together for 2 1/2 years and he wants to marry me

 

Yea, I'd be worried about him getting out of jail, being on parole and the fact he's a recovering addict. I'm not saying folks don't deserve a second chance, or can't turn their lives around. However, if it bothers you that he "liked" a photo on FB then perhaps dealing with the other aspects of his life might be a bit more than you can bear.

 

Good luck.

[zeino]

My boyfriend liked the new profile picture of a girl he has been friends with for a long time but also had sex with only twice. She came onto him and said he only had sex because he wanted sex. He never had any type of interest in her or found her to be attractive but he talked to her when he had no one else to talk to and he also is a recovering addict and so is she so he said he liked it to say "hey hope your doing okay" because they both deal with the same thing. Also it was only a face picture nothing else was showing. He said he never liked her or had interest in being with her, she did and he said he could have been with her by didn't want her and only liked the picture because she had messaged to see how he was doing when he came home from jail and he was only being nice and nothing more. This has been bothering me for so long and I'm worried that he liked it for a different reason than he said and he always says if he wanted her he would have been with her years ago. Also he hasn't seen her, hung out, or done anything with her in over five years. And she always would inquire about how he was and if he needed to talk. We had been dating for a couple months and I just want to know if it's something I should still be worried about now that we have been together for 2 1/2 years and he wants to marry me

 

If you are the partner of a recovering addict, you may have to accept one thing (although every addict is different and an individual of course.) Quitting drugs is never a 100% happy thing for some people. Yes, it is a 100% choice, and they would never wish to go back to where they were but at the same time, some may hold a kind of nostalgia for those days and also for some people. Recovering may even involve grieving. So some people may hold a soft spot for their friends from their older days, some people may have feelings of some kind of kinship. And yes, some addicts will always understand your partner in a different way than you if you have never used or quit drugs yourself. But an emotionally healthy enough addict will be able able to distingusih between this and love. A man who has proposed to you should be at that level of emotional health. And you can try to learn how to free yourself from worries about his past. At the same time, the addiction past and different experiences with people does not give him a free card as to do whatever he likes. If he has this past, you have your past and unique relations in this. YOu are equals - although he may not agree and may need a bit of time under his belt before he adjusts to a new mentality. Now is the time to think about your shared boundaries as a couple. If he hasn't violated any, OK. If he has, there is no excuse for this. And if you haven't established these boundaries, it may be time. How do feel about your BF accepting and responding to messages from people that he had sexual experiences with. The answer is within you.

 

Sharing an experience of addiction does not or should not give anyone any privileges such as asking how the person is - if this is against his relationship boundaries. Some addicts go as far as cutting contact with people they used to do drugs with for purposes of recovery but this is a choice and you cannot force it on anyone. If he needs the unique support that only people with similar experiences can provide, he can go to a support group. Outside the support group, this lady is just like any other lady. The shared past is not a privilege that is allowed to make you uncomfortable. You have the same responsibilities toward each other.

 

It would be useful to discuss boundaries about when old friends need help, support etc - say if they fall of the wagon, if they are craving, if they start with romanticizing about the drug and then fall of the wagon etc. You need to find your own detachment stance and your own boundaries first as you cannot control him. Are you part of a support group yourself? Your partner is on methadone, that is no small thing.

 

However, please be careful not to put yourself in a triangle where she is the "rescuer".

 

I would speak to him from a point of sharing, rather than boundaries at first. Some comfortable space where he can freely taşk about his needs, his feelings about the recovery experience. It's quite a confusing thing even for the recovering person sometimes.