Girlfriend's trust issues and breakup

[Hornayud]

Hi all

 

This is my first post. I'm not the one to ask for advice online but because I'm in a very messy situation right now and at a point in time where I don't really have anyone to talk to, I thought I would find some help here.

 

So today (tonight to be exact) my girlfriend found a lubricant wrapper in our bedroom. It's one of those free lubricants that come with some condom packets. The reason I am posting here is to be honest, and I honestly had no idea where it came from. So basically she found the packet on top of the bed drawer at the end of the bed along with the other piece which had been torn off on the floor close by.

 

Naturally I was the suspected culprit. As shocked as I was that this packet appeared out of nowhere, everything I said would not be accepted by her because of what I've done in my past. And honestly I feel for her because I was the one who broke the trust before. I will tell you guys that I am no saint. I screwed up before. About 2 years ago, I was caught making a fake Facebook profile along with an account in a dating site. I used them to talk with other girls but I never had the mindset to pursue anything further. I was desperate, and from the way I talked to those other girls, I sounded like a sore desperate loser. Like what was I thinking?

 

But I got caught, and the worse thing is, I lied. I kept denying it to try to squirm my way out of it, but the hard evidence was there on the screen. I screwed up big time, and finally I owned up to it. We made amends but from then on, it was never the same. I love her still as much as I do from day 1, and I sincerely regret making those mistakes 2 years ago, but she hasn't found it in her to completely trust me ever again. And this brings us back to the current situation.

 

It's about 6am here, and I haven't slept all night and neither has she. We both live together and she will probably be packing her bags tomorrow. But the fact is, I had nothing to do with the lubricant wrapper. The last time a lubricant packet was opened was over a month ago and she knows that too. But since then we've cleaned the room at least twice thoroughly. The fact that it somehow popped up today without either of us seeing it for all these days is definitely preposterous. We've been fighting back and forth for the past couple of hours with her accusing me and me denying it, and it has gotten to the point where I honestly believe that maybe this relationship isn't going to work. We've been together for almost 3 years, the bad things I did happened about 1 year into our relationship, but as so many of you probably think, a relationship without trust is probably never going to work. I love her to bits and I know she loves me to bits too, but honestly circumstances like this just completely ruin everything. I can't even find an alibi or something to prove that I didn't sleep with another girl. And the reason why she thinks it was I who did it is because today is the first day we saw the packet, and also the first day that she's been to work and I've been at home. So naturally, she thinks that while she was at work, I brought another girl home.

 

so guys, is there any point to saving such a 'damaged' relationship? Will anything ever change? Will her trust grow back? She's said to me so many times before - 'show me that I can trust you again', but what is it exactly that I have to do? I am a bit of a recluse these days, as I focus entirely on university, my future, pets and my job. I have no social life. There are days in which I stay home while she is at work due to me studying. And these are the times she thinks that I am being unfaithful. So for the past few hours I have just been thinking - 'is this god's way of punishing me...did god somehow put a wrapper in my room to screw things up between me and my gf'... I am not religious but right now, as sleepy as I am, I believe that this is some supernatural's way of punishing me. I will never get to the bottom of how the wrapper came to be on the bed and the floor today. There is no possible explanation how a wrapper from over a month ago (WHICH IS STILL MOIST WITH LUBRICANT INSIDE) came to suddenly appear today when we have cleaned the room carefully every week.

 

She also can't believe anything that comes out of my mouth because I used to lie and deny to try to get out of trouble. So she thinks I am a compulsive liar.

 

Sorry for the long post, and I hope that I can find answers. Thank you.

[gebaird]

There's a reason crime law in the U.S. is based on proving guilt rather than innocence. In the absence of an alibi, what evidence can you produce that proves you are trustworthy? None, of course, because there is no evidence of something that didn't happen.

 

It's unfortunate that your past sins are catching up to you in this way. Some couples are able to work through betrayal issues, but it can take years. I think your only hope now is to honestly confess your love for her and to reiterate your innocence, perhaps in a letter. Appeal to her compassion, and if she chooses to leave then you've done all you can do.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'd like to think there's a reason things like this happen (beyond just karma/divine vengeance). Sometimes walking through hell is the only way to find heaven.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like this wrapper just unearthed a ton of unresolved issues. It sounds like hell to live with someone who doesn't trust you.

 

Only you two live there? Do either of you use that lubricant, for masturbation or whatever? One of you must know where it's from, right?

[Hornayud]

We used a lubricant packet more than a month ago. Me and my partner both know this. However she doesn't believe it's the same one. I honestly can't prove it is the same packet from over a month ago though, hence why she thinks I brought home a girl today.

 

 

We've been with each other for the past few days because she took time off work. Today was the first time she went back to work and the first time she discovered this wrapper hence the drama we are experiencing now

[zeino]

Supernatural will not punish you by placing moist lubricants (especially free ones) in your bedroom. I would expect something more dramatic like hearing voices with echo, having stomach cramps etc.

 

Try to remember when you last opened a pack fo condoms or whatever this lube comes with. It must have stuck somewhere from that time.Or maybe it got stuck in the bedsheets and was washed in the machine and came back with clean laundry.

 

In either case, if this comes with your usual brand of condoms, you should remember when you chucked the last lube pack before this one, logically. If neither of you remember that, this should be from a previous session. You seven say this is from a month ago.

 

You may have trust issues between you but this cannot be blamed on this poor wrapper.

 

Options:

 

1. You gıuys opened a pack, this came out. You didn't see it and didn't chuck it. It came back - was left or stuck somewhere (window sill, space behind the curtain, laundry, under the bed), somewhere. Remembering when you chucked or didn't chuck another wrapper can be the key here.

2. You cheated on her.

3. She placed it there herself to test you to see if any confessions would come.

 

I would really ask her to focus on the trust issue instead of lube.

[Hornayud]

I know for a fact the last time I used a lubricant I did indeed chuck it afterwards over a month ago. Since then lubricant has definitely never been used. I swore when I made all those accounts 2 years ago that I would never do anything like that again. If I was still lying especially after posting here after I cheated then I would be a complete utter fool. I don't think it was a prank. She has been absolutely furious for so many hours now.

 

The problem is, how did the wrapper get there when we have cleaned the room multiple times. Obviously my post is not a question on investigating the issue of the mystery wrapper, but she doesn't believe me because in her mind I am a compulsive liar

[Wiseman2]

Bingo. That is the crux of it. You could tell her anything, you masturbated , you used it to slip on a shoe,whatever. But whatever you do, will be seen as cheating.

 

What if there's a blond hair on your jacket? Or a new pen in the glove-box? Do you see what I mean?

she doesn't believe me because in her mind I am a compulsive liar

[Hornayud]

Yea it sucks am I feel horrible that I did those things back then. I feel like a complete ***hole and a ****wit but honestly I feel as though it's gotten to the point where I can't do anything to prove it to her that she can trust me. I was going to marry this girl honestly but stuff like this sometimes makes me rethink my decisions. Am I not doing enough and is there more I can do?

[Hornayud]

I completely understand what you mean.

 

You're spot on. If she finds a hair, I'll be a cheater instantly. I mean if this goes on forever, there's probably no point continuing such a relationship right. Unless there's something I can do? Which I can't see anything being done atm

[gebaird]

You're spot on. If she finds a hair, I'll be a cheater instantly. I mean if this goes on forever, there's probably no point continuing such a relationship right. Unless there's something I can do? Which I can't see anything being done atm

 

Yep. This isn't about lubricant. It's about trust, which is the metaphorical lubricant required to keep a relationship operating smoothly. No trust = no relationship. You can go through the motions, but it's like living in a house without a foundation. Even the smallest wind can blow it down.

 

Let this house of cards fall. Once you've healed, invest in a new relationship that has the potential to withstand the storms of life.

[zeino]

Bingo. That is the crux of it. You could tell her anything, you masturbated , you used it to slip on a shoe,whatever. But whatever you do, will be seen as cheating.

 

What if there's a blond hair on your jacket? Or a new pen in the glove-box? Do you see what I mean?

 

Regardless of what you did in the past, it IS your very right to expect to be treated with dignity as long as someone chooses to be with you despite your past. (Being treated like a liar is not to be treated with dignity exactly.)

 

It seems that the trust issue between you two hinders this. Do you realize that this is not your problem exactly? Yes, after what you did, trust needs to be re-built and it is done through transparence for a bit. But at the same time, the person who agrees to be with you (and they aşready know your past) also need to make the decision to take a risk, that is putting in some trust. When what you do and what she does are at the correct ratio (every couple has their balance) things get well slowly.

 

At the moment, you are acting with guilt. That is retreating with the burden of your past. Come back to where you are now. You didn't do this. You expect to be treated like a reformed person, not like a compulsive liar. If she thinks you are one, why is she still with you? And nothing can be solved because of the very liar's paradox.

 

Here she may need to make a decision of putting enough trust at least to solve this problem. Then you can agree how much you can do to make her feel safer, and how much risk she is willing to take. A therapist may help. I say you tackle the bull by the horn, by suggesting constructive solutions instead of reacting to her emotional reactions. Take initiative. Act instead of react. As nothing will be solved by feeling bad about the condom thing. You both need to understand this.

 

Maybe she is triggered at the moment. When this happens, the brain gives a reaction, the triggered/traumatised person cannot distingusih between then and now. Everything is genuinely felt as if they happened just today. You may choose to wait until she relaxes a bit. You can voice this as well, offer a good deed if she accepts (like making tea, coffee, preparing some food for both of you) and then go back to your zone.

 

When you feel that she is more rational, you can talk about how to tackle this issue and take it from there.

 

Do not for a second do anything from the guilty person position if you are innocent. That will convince her that you are guilty, enable her in the wrong way and will put you in an unhealthy position.

 

Take charge. Not to prove your innocence but to solve the trust problem as a couple. She will actually feel safer when you take charge.

 

If she is not willing, you decide what you want to do.

[shellyf62]

All your lies have caught up with you.

How is your gf supposed to believe you now when you have lied so easily to her in the past?

Making fake profiles & talking to other women while in a relationship is soul destroying for her. You made her feel as though she wasnt good enough for you.

If I was her I would have left then.

I cant see a happy ending to all of this.

I hope you have learnt a huge lesson that the truth is the only way forward in any relationship