How to stop dependence on emotional abuser and how to move on?

[lovehel]

I am 23, and have been in abusive relationship for years, I also have social anxiety which has not helped the situation.

 

I met him when we were both 18, I was deeply insecure, had depression/anxiety issues, and family problems. I wanted to escape it.

 

I recently decided I had no choice but to leave a what I think was an emotionally abusive relationship ( you can give me your own opinions ) for my own sanity.

 

This came after he looked me in the eye many times throughout the years and told me he was friends with a girl that I found he was sexually pursuing behind my back for months. She stayed over etc...I found explicit messages about her to his friends, and to her.

 

I dealt with the emotional abuse for years by just basically letting it in one ear, out the other. I was in denial it was abuse for years, wanted to believe he was just insecure or didn't know how to deal with his emotions. I wanted to believe he was good under it all. I was always waiting for the good moments to come back and would ignore the bed, or cry until they were over.

 

This included him

 

[*]Him ridiculing my sisters weight to me.

 

[*]Telling me to stop calling him unless I had something important to say, making fun of me for it.

 

[*]That he isn't going to softly talk to me like my family does, he said he is going to give the harsh realities so I grow up.

 

[*]Him saying "why don't you wear something like that" to a woman wearing a dress and heels passing us.

 

[*]Him telling me I wear way too much makeup.

 

[*]Him telling me if I don't get my degree, he will punch me in the face, then saying it was a joke, and giving out to me for hanging up on him.

 

[*]Him spreading rumours that I was abusive to him to his friends, when I hit him in the back once when I found out he was lying to me again. He ended up banging me on to his bed, smacking me relentlessly, terrifying the life out of me, yet his friends would look at me like I was crazy.

 

[*]Him avoiding all contact with my family, never making an effort with them, then telling me its all my fault I don't invite him over, when all he did was criticize the way my mom kept her house, so I stopped. He told his friends this to, to make me look weird.

 

[*]Anytime I was upset over his behavior and cry, he would make me out to be crazy, and told me everything I said was not true, or I was exaggerating

 

.[*]Whenever I had a problem with anything, it was stop with the drama.

 

[*]Whenever I would say something nice about myself, he would say I'm more attractive, or your not smart, I am. He always had to outdo me.

 

[*]He would always talk about how lucky I was to be with him, how smart he was, how talented he was, or else it would sometimes be these random intervals of him hating himself, and thinking he was good at nothing or ugly. Where I would then tell him no it is not true.

 

[*]He would refuse to play a game with me, saying it wouldn't be fun cause I'm not good,

 

[*]He then towards the last two years, would always say your just a woman.

 

[*]Him saying in public or private asking me if I would allow him to slap my forehead really hard just once, I allowed him to do it once thinking it was some weird joke he learnt, naively not thinking he just wanted to just smack me on my face really hard, it was humiliating, he really did put his whole force, and it stung. He got great enjoyment out of it and went "that felt so good". I felt so degraded and disgusting.

 

[*]He once told me that he wanted to smash all my teeth out cause he thought I was so stubborn and it infuriated him. I was shocked, his mom was in the next room, he had no shame.

 

[*]He would use crude language cuss all the time in front of his mom, she didn't care, I was shocked.

 

[*]With that female friend of his, he would tell me weird things that would happen when they would spend time alone, he insisted they did "for music", he would say he saw her thong, they cuddled, he said to her " you seem to really like black d*ck" which I think is a disgusting way to speak, she goes " I never tried Italian", he is half Italian. I would be thinking to myself why is he telling me this. This behavior with that woman was the demise of everything, I stopped being in denial.

 

[*]He would say I needed to loosen up, and stop acting like a princess, anytime I had a problem with anything.

 

 

It was a mixture of this, to then him saying how beautiful I was, how he wanted to take me out for dinner, taking me out to dinner, him complimenting me, him being affectionate, him being sweet, saying sweet things, saying he got me a gift, asking me to hang out, watch a movie, go for a drink, cook for me, planning a surprise,

 

What do you make of all this? I have never expressed these things that happened to anyone.

 

I lost all sense of who I was, what I wanted, or what I needed in my life. I felt worthless, I would walk around feeling humiliated about myself, paranoid that everyone could see all my flaws, and see what a joke I was. For some sick reason all I wanted to do was be with him, as if he had conditioned me. Through all this I did not have one friend. He knew I had social anxiety, he would make fun of me for having no friends, his friends would ask me if I had any single female friends they could meet, and I remember him looking at me with a look of if only they knew, you had none.

 

I was humiliated that I had no friends in my life, no hobbies, no life of my own. I would constantly get criticized for this, but I had no confidence left to care, or do anything about it. When I wasn't with him, I just wanted to be alone. He was my only social outlet.

 

I went back to college last year, and was faced with the reality of having daily panic, anxiety attacks being around people. It scared the crap out of me to have to interact with people, but I did it, and I realized that maybe some of my anxiety is coming from this guy I call my boyfriend. I would be talking to them, and wondering to myself what they would think if they knew how my life was. I realized I needed to make changes.

 

Since I decided I can't have that level of negativity in my life, he has called me non stop trying to communicate, he has asked me out for dinner, for a gig, is always trying to meet me. I communicated with him to see if he could be honest, I said write a list of everything that happened when you brought that girl back with you, he said he would only tell me in person, he ended up saying he was so excited to go the gig with me, I never agreed to go so that was weird, and I never went. I don't feel like seeing him in person, I feel disgusted that I would allow someone to treat me so badly. I feel he is only being nice to me cause he wants to manipulate me so I depend on him again.

 

 

What do you think of all this? I would appreciate your opinions.

 

I don't speak about this with my family and feel I need to communicate this deep shame I have.

 

How do I move on from the dependence with him, when I feel so worn down, numb, and just terrible about myself. I would love to go to one of those meetup groups, but it scares me so badly and in my head I think I will just regret it. I know I need to make changes though, I am just terrified I will fail. Short term it would be easier to go back to him, but long term it would do even more damage.

[anonomousguy12]

It really helps to get it out and talk about it and i'm really sorry for hearing about your past relationship.

You've definitely made the right decision to get him out your life and stick to it no matter how much he calls or tries. You don't deserve to be treated that way or humiliated but someone who's meant to be your best friend.

Just keep up being strong!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Why are you still negotiating with him if he was this abusive?

 

Not only do you need to go no contact and delete/block him from everywhere, you need to tell him you'll get a restraining order if he doesn't leave you alone.

 

You do need to open up and speak to trusted friends and family about this. A counselor in particular. Secrecy and isolation are the abusers best tools.

 

You can't simultaneously keep drinking from a toxic well and expect to heal. Why are you doing that? Either let the abuse continue because you are not ready to get healthy or Cut Him Off.

I was deeply insecure, had depression/anxiety issues, and family problems. I wanted to escape it. Since I decided I can't have that level of negativity in my life, he has called me non stop trying to communicate, he has asked me out for dinner, for a gig, is always trying to meet me. I communicated with him to see if he could be honest. I feel he is only being nice to me cause he wants to manipulate me so I depend on him again.

[Edmund Exley]

You need to find a good therapist. One who specialized in recovering from domestic/emotional abuse. Dont rely on friends and family, get someone trained and plan for it to take a good bit of time. Be alone. Dont enter into a relationship because it will conflict with your therapy. You will feel the rush of a new relationship and believe you are recovered. Then when the newness wears off, you will be back where you are now.

[SapphireNoir10]

When I was 17 I was with a very emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive partner. He broke up with me then took me back, then I broke up with him. I wrote a list in big letters and stuck it on my bedroom wall. Every time I was missing him I'd look at it and remind myself why I was better off. Also PLEASE go no contact. Don't let him hook you back in

 

I also second speaking to a therapist. These relationships do a lot of damage

[nutbrownhare]

Well done you for getting away from him; abusers making out that they are the victims is par for the course, and so is trying to hook you back in again.

 

Your self esteem will have taken a hammering during this relationship. While therapy's an excellent idea, as are support groups, you can also help yourself by picking up old interests, friends you have dropped and all the other things which make you the person you really are. It will be terrifying at first, but if you need medication to get over the initial anxiety, then get it. Just put your energy into living the best, most enjoyable life you can - WITHOUT a partner.

 

When you know you can be happy and contented on your own, you can make much wiser choices about who you get into a relationship with. Really, it's about making sure you're never totally dependent on one person as that would make any relationship unhealthy, not just one with a misogynistic abuser.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

Good lord? It's sounding like his dad isn't around? If I would have talked that way anywhere NEAR my mom I would have got my head knocked off. Very sorry to hear this.

 

So that is quite a list, of things that are not only unacceptable...but also terrible.

 

So my question is....WHY are you with him if you are not only aware of how you want to be treated, but also abide in his behavior? It sounds like you know what you want...so go get it. Get AWAY from this guy asap and don't fall for his BS anymore.

I will agree that hitting a female for fun especially in public is wrong, but it's wrong in general. You can't hit HIM afor something and then not expect the same action in return.

[lovehel]

His dad left him when he was about 3, he was English. His mom brought him to Italy where they lived with her parents, his grandmother they lived with was abusive apparently. I remember Alex's mom used to tell me how she was slapped often, but she wouldn't allow her mother to do that to Alex. They had nothing nice to say about her, and I remember a few times he said to me you spew venom like my evil grandmother did. When I tried to make him accountable or be serious about things I didn't like. His dad used to visit him in Italy once or twice a year and then it stopped. He never saw him again, since he was a kid. I remember Alex would always try to make me feel compassion and really bad for him by saying he doesn't have a father, he said he never had a father to teach him things, and felt sorry for himself. I remember once years ago I found his dad online, I thought wishfully to myself I would message him privately to see what was the story, and if he would meet Alex, I thought this was what he needed. His dad basically told me that he thought Alex's mom was insane, that every time he went to Italy to see Alex, she would try and seduce him, he thought the best things was to stop going. He said he had two kids and a wife now, that he was depressed, that he didn't want to be involved with Alex in risk of ever seeing his mother, he seemed to think meeting Alex was somehow going in the past, didn't seem pushed to see him or want to make any plans, and kept talking about himself, so I left it.

[lovehel]

I felt he was a damaged soul, and I wanted so badly to help him. He was also my first love and I wanted so badly to make it work.

[Wiseman2]

Most abusers are masters at manipulation and using pity is always in their bag of tricks.

 

Like a magician's cape, it takes the focus off what is really happening and redirects it to an illusion they create.

 

One where you feel sorry for them so chronically give them a chance, give them a break, try to fix them, etc.

I felt he was a damaged soul, and I wanted so badly to help him. He was also my first love and I wanted so badly to make it work.

[OldRomantic83]

I felt he was a damaged soul, and I wanted so badly to help him. He was also my first love and I wanted so badly to make it work.

 

Sometimes our need to help people can lead us into hurtful situations, a caring soul can leave us in our most vulnerable state... and wide open to abuse. But sometimes these people who we set out to save, are beyond saving...