Husband lying and taking woman to dinner.

[helpplease2]

Hello,

I have had a difficult few weeks, and need some advice please.

Throughout my marriage, my husband has always texted lots of different women.

He always says these women are just friends.

They are usually women he is currently working with or has worked with in the past.

I have sometimes seem these messages, one time the girl was talking about her bad day and how she "always felt she could open up and speak truthfully to him" and that she "misses him" or that she can't wait to do a nightshift with him.

I said this made me feel uncomfortable and that it was inappropriate.

However, he carried on texting her. She texts him quite over-familiar messages, often involving winking faces.

They seem to come out the blue, and he does not speak about these women he currently or used to work with openly normally to me, like his male friends, and I have never met any of them.

Sometimes he sits on Facebook or on his phone texting them late at night eg. 11pm onwards.

When I get upset about this, he tells me to stop being paranoid, they are just friends, and to stop trying to "control who he is friends with".

 

Recently, I had a group of female friends coming to stay with me for a girls weekend. He didn't know them well so organised to meet a male friend for drinks and a meal in London instead and then stay over at my parents flat in london (which was empty). His friend cancelled late the night before, but my husband said its ok he would call a few friends instead to meet.

 

On the sunday my friends were leaving mid-morning.

 

He was due to come home late morning, but text saying he was going out for sunday lunch and would be back about 2pm. He didn't say who with. I waited at home, and text him when he didn't come back about 5pm asking if all was ok? He text back at 6pm saying "Im just in cinema in london can't speak", he didn't say who he was with. I called, but he wrote back saying watching film can't answer.

 

I later found out he had been asking lots of different women to meet on the saturday. All 5-6 people he texted were women. One of them was a younger blonde woman he currently works with, saying "hey Ive been let loose and Im looking for a drinking buddy". She was luckily busy.

 

I found out later he had ended up going to dinner alone sat night with a different woman he used to work with. I had never heard of her before. He told me on sunday they are good friends. He took her to a nice restaurant in london, and he paid.

 

The next day he had gone for sunday lunch with her. then drinking all afternoon and then they decided to go to cinema.

 

He got home on sunday night at 12am. when he got back he said they didn't get into the film in end, I said but you said you were in middle of film and couldn't speak which is why you couldn't pick up phone. He said they ended up going for tea together instead, until 9.30pm at night.

 

He ended up texting her all the way home. Saying she was a "legend".

 

When he got home we had a huge argument as he had lied to me, and I thought it was inappropriate for him to go out alone with a single woman in this way. He made me feel like I was over-reacting. I cried and he ended up sleeping in other bedroom. He said how he had had a great time.

 

The next evening I was too upset still to talk about it. I asked him what you were reading and he said it was a book from this woman she had given him. The book was about going back to childhood excitement and how life can be so boring as adults!

 

I asked him how he would feel if shoe was on other foot. But he said i was overreacting and overly anxious. I then saw a text on his phone saying he would go to london to go to cinema with her one night, alone, and travelling an hour to get there. I exploded and said this wasn't acceptable.

 

It has been a really horrible 2 weeks. He ended up apologising, although underneath I know he thinks he has done nothing wrong. He says I am being paranoid. We are now carrying on as if nothing happened. Although every so often I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of his behaviour. I feel like I can't relax.

 

Am I being paranoid? What should I do?

 

Thank you xxx

[anonomousguy12]

Really sorry to hear, you're not being paranoid at all.

His behaviour has been shady, especially since you've tried to bring it up to him. You should be strong when you tell him that it's not okay for him to talk to or go out to cinemas with other women. You shouldn't let him convince you that it's acceptable.

[Wiseman2]

Unless you have an open marriage, he's clearing cheating. Get counselling about appropriate boundaries in a marriage and then invite him to join you.

 

If he doesn't and insists overnight dates with women is "ok, just friends, you're paranoid" then make a private confidential appointment with an attorney to see what your options are regarding divorce.

 

Once you have discovered and reviewed all your options. Then tell him it's marriage counselling and no more dating "friends" or divorce, his choice.

[Hollyj]

He's cheating. He is a terrible liar, too. The worst part is that he is gas lighting you: stating you're paranoid etc...

 

This man does not respect you. Time to seek out a lawyer.

[lostandhurt]

Want to know the first line in the cheaters hand book?

 

"We are just friends"

 

He is cheating, disrespectful to you and your marriage and has zero regard for you.

 

He is acting this way because he thinks you will not do anything about it. He thinks you will never divorce him. Is that true?

 

Lost

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though he likes the stability of a marriage, but is using it as a base from which to launch his inappropriate relationships with other women. Chances are they don't even realise he's married.

 

Go and get legal advice, to see what your options are. If he wants to date, text and communicate with a variety of women then let him - just don't stick around while he does it.

[helpplease2]

Thank you for your advice.

It is really hard when someone is telling you repeatedly something, you start to doubt yourself.

It is really hard. He is telling me nothing happened and that although it looks bad, he would never do anything like that to me.

We have just moved out of London together 2 months ago, and just got a mortgage on a house together. Most of my friends are still in london.

Not sure there is any trust left now.

[Coldarmy13]

Even if he isn't cheating, I find all of his behavior extremely disrespectful.

 

I see it as one of those "hidden in plain sight" type of situations. Him being so upfront right away about all of them being just friends that he'll get as much leeway as he has received so far.

[DancingFool]

Friends are above board. When you are married or long term couple, you meet each others friends and they become sort of mutual friends. You go out and do things together, invite them over, have dinner parties, go to events, etc. Yes, you may also hang out with your friends separately, but the point is that your SO knows all about it and is invited even if they won't go.

 

What your husband is doing is sneaking around, lying, etc. It does seem bad....really bad unfortunately..... He has a gaggle of groupies he is hiding from you and his comment about being let loose....speaks to his attitude toward you and his marriage. If you were just dating, I'd say call it a day right here and now and let him loose for good. Since you are married, I'd sit him down and tell him straight up that it's either his groupies or his marriage and mean it.

 

Be cut and dry about the fact that you have no issue with female friends, but have a major issue with the deceit, hiding, lying, etc. Even if he chooses marriage, next step would be marital counseling to sort out the issues and ensure that there are no misunderstandings and lingering resentments on either side. You both need to establish acceptable boundaries and code of conduct within your marriage. Also, do consult with a divorce lawyer quietly and be sure of your rights and standing in case he chooses to continue to gaslight you. Do be prepared for that as well.

[reinventmyself]

When ever you begin to doubt yourself remember you need to live your according to how you would treat

others and expect the same in return.

 

I seriously doubt you would carry on like he has. You shouldn't tolerate it from him.

 

He behaves as if he's single. I would make him - officially single.