How to deal w/ break-up?!

[jajo1]

Just want to say thanks in advance to everyone who comments/ offers some sort of advice. This is my first time ever doing something like this, but I feel like writing down all that I am thinking/feeling helps me to cope.

 

 

I am a 19F currently in my 2nd year of college. Last January, I met a pretty amazing guy (19M, Leo sign). He reached out to me first via FB but since I am a virgo, I automatically put my guard up. Despite this, he was very persistent and eventually won me over. He was everything I wanted/ needed at the time, so we instantly clicked but before we got romantically involved, I insisted that we worked on our friendship. It got to the point where a lot of people believed that we would never get romantically involved because we were such good friends and I never allowed for it to go past that stage. I knew I had feelings for him, but I fought them. I fought them until he almost walked away and thats when I got my act together and started to return his romantic gestures. Fast forward a couple of months and we eventually became a couple. Everything was great. We were both in love. Around June, our "honeymoon" phase ended and thats when things started to go sour. We were LDR for the summer (because school wasn't in session and we arent from the same hometown), which was tough, but we made it through and reunited in September. From that point, things were good but issues around communication, trust, and immaturity started to surface. He started to change who he was as a person (becoming very cold, distant, nonchalant, dismissive) and I wasn't quite able to adjust, which caused a lot of disagreements because I would question him and he would just say "thats just who I am." I felt as though this wasn't true because thats not who he was for months prior.

 

About 2 weeks ago, he broke up with me. In all honesty, I saw it coming but I didn't expect it to actually happen. I never really got a clear understanding of why he left. The best he could offer me were phrases like "I just don't want to be in a relationship with anyone" "I have to do what's best for me" "I want to work on myself" "I don't want to continue to hurt you and lose you as a friend in the process" "This has nothing to do with you personally" and "Im clearly the problem." I asked him why he couldn't just make an effort to change his behaviors (since he was very conscious of doing them) and he insisted that he just couldn't. So I said okay and let him go. In retrospect, I feel as though I'm glad he put an end to things because while I wanted to and knew I should've, I was very afraid of losing my best friend in the process. Although most of our relationship was great and healthy, I knew I deserved more. My issue now is that I feel like my lack of closure/true understanding for why exactly he left is not allowing me to heal. I feel as though he wasn't being completely transparent about why he left. I constantly think about it and speculate to a point where nothing makes sense. Sometimes I feel fine, but most of the time I feel a cocktail of emotions. I feel angry that he hasn't tried to contact me and that he seems unaffected (according to his social media, that I have now blocked). I feel sad because I miss him and really want things to work out. I feel confused because there didn't really seem anything wrong with him internally that would affect his ability to meet my needs. I guess I'm just looking for some opinions on what could've been going through his mind and how I should move forward? Im already doing NC. I've already blocked him on everything except for my cell phone. Im already pouring myself into things I like to do. But I still feel incomplete, hurt, and confused. I'd love some help!

[briankin]

Jajo... Isnt it the worst feeling not getting an explanition to why the person you truley care for left. Honestly it takes time to process and heal but you wont fuly recover if you truley love the person. I find meeting new people and expanding your horizons, building yourself up as an individual helps takes the negativity away. You have to believe in yourself and stay positive in life and the right one will come along but do not give up on thte frendship if you truley care about him.

[gebaird]

It's so hard when a relationship ends with a whimper rather than an explosion. At least when there is a final argument or a clear reason (like cheating), there aren't as many questions about what happened.

 

A lot of people think closure involves getting all the answers and tying up all the loose ends. But that's rarely the case. Closure is a decision to let go of the need to know the reasons why. It's usually something you have to get on your own, not something that you get from the other person.

 

Clarity can take time to reach. Every day that goes by gives you greater perspective about what happened.

 

At the end of a relationship, the story you tell yourself about what happened can help you or hurt you. Victim/blame stories never capture the full truth. To me, this sounds like a story about a girl who fell in love with the wrong guy. It doesn't mean you don't have a lot to offer the right guy.

[jajo1]

I guess that makes sense. I just assumed that a huge part of healing was leaning from your perceived mistakes so that they arent made in the future. It's hard to do that when someone won't open up.

[jajo1]

It's so hard when a relationship ends with a whimper rather than an explosion. At least when there is a final argument or a clear reason (like cheating), there aren't as many questions about what happened.

 

A lot of people think closure involves getting all the answers and tying up all the loose ends. But that's rarely the case. Closure is a decision to let go of the need to know the reasons why. It's usually something you have to get on your own, not something that you get from the other person.

 

Clarity can take time to reach. Every day that goes by gives you greater perspective about what happened.

 

At the end of a relationship, the story you tell yourself about what happened can help you or hurt you. Victim/blame stories never capture the full truth. To me, this sounds like a story about a girl who fell in love with the wrong guy. It doesn't mean you don't have a lot to offer the right guy.

 

 

I guess that makes sense. I just assumed that a huge part of healing was leaning from your perceived mistakes so that they arent made in the future. It's hard to do that when someone won't open up.

[Rising100]

I guess you feel like you need to know, you need to really know why he did this and things just dont add up after what he said... Thing is, sometimes people do this. Its not right, I would never do it myself but what can you do.

You done good tho on trying to move on from this, dont ignore the pain, feel it, let it remind you and let you grow. Since he chose to do it this way, what else can you do but move on.

I wish I knew virgos better, havent had the chance to really get to know one but I have heard they can move on and not look back. Wish you the best and take care.