Problems between Fiance and myself

[TheD87]

I am posting here looking for guidance. We have been together about a year and a half, set to get married in August.

 

My fiance is having a real rough time. Her Grandma has been in and out of the hospital with a heart issue and had heart surgery last week. Her mom has been in and out of the hospital and might need brain surgery. Her work life has been crazy as someone in her office left and they aren't replacing them and she is basically doing the work of two people. She has been a different person lately, short tempered, lashes out a lot and is always sad in a bad mood. If we fight, it is always my fault and if she admits it's her fault she just says "I am not ok right now so you can't blame me". She also doesn't clean up around the house anymore or very rarely does. She started seeing a therapist who says she is depressed. I know she has been having a lot of problems lately and I have been trying hard to pick up the slack.

 

However I am starting to have difficulties. I have shoulder/back pain which causes me sleeping issues. On top of that I recently started getting nightly acid reflux. I probably sleep on average less than 6 hours a night and it's not good sleep. Lately I have been constantly running on fumes, yet having to do all the household chores (I do most of cleaning now and cook way more than she does). On top of that, I have a lot going on in my life too. My grandma on my dad's side just died recently and now my grandma on my mom's side is in the hospital and about to go into hospice care. I am also increasingly worried the problems I am having with my body (back, shoulder, etc) are a sign of a rare disease coming on that my grandpa has that gets passed down through female carriers that eats away at your muscles and can leave you in a wheelchair, so good chance I have it (too scared to go get the test, because there is no treatment and I don't think I want to know yet).

 

I have tried to stay strong for her, but it has been a month with no end in sight of my Fiance being short tempered. It has worn on me and I snapped back a little this morning and now she is mad at me. I think her depression added with my issues is pulling me into a depressed state and I don't know what to do. Go read some of my old threads on here, I was depressed then and I don't want to go through that again. I get she is going through a rough time and I have really tried to help her get through it, but I don't know how much longer I can hold on without completely losing it myself.

[rosephase]

Have you thought of getting your own therapist?

 

Being partnered with someone who has depression adds emotional work. You are in a hard emotional space and she doesn't have any room to support you, she is in fact making it harder for you and wearing down your resilience. You have to take care of yourself first. You can't be her support system if you have no energy to give. So you need to be looking into how to take care of yourself. Maybe you need more alone time, or more time in nature, or someone to talk to. Do you know the things that help you get through rough times?

[Ms Darcy]

Some bits of advice.

 

-See a therapist, asap.

-Get the test done. You need to know.

-Talk to her about how you are feeling and why just like you have here.

 

It may be just me, but this seems like a really fast engagement. Marriage will be hell if you cannot communicate and you and your partner are depressed. Pump the breaks a bit here. And if needed, postpone wedding plans.

[TheD87]

Thanks for the replies, sorry it took so long to read but another bomb was dropped on my family. Just after I posted this I found out my sister and her husband, who is like a brother to me since they got married, are getting divorced. He is from Ireland and was in process of getting his green card. Apparently he got too home sick and decided he would rather divorce my sister and move back to Ireland than stay with her. He flew back yesterday....

 

Hell of a time we are having in our families

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's a timely reminder that marriage is a serious business. The stressors BEFORE marriage don't just disappear (unless they were about the wedding) after you say I do. They often magnify as you settle in and realize this is your permanent person.