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Is it unreasonable to ask boyfriend not to contact girl he cheated with?

noodle5673

By noodle5673
in Infidelity

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noodle5673 Newbie

noodle5673

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I met my current boyfriend while I was still with my now-ex. My ex had been my best guy friend for 8 years, and when he confessed his love for me I was NOT into it. I didn’t see him in that way at all, but ultimately decided to be with him because I know it’s generally a good thing if your lover is also your best friend. It never felt natural for me no matter how hard I tried. Anyways, I had to go out of town for a few months. While out of town, I met my current boyfriend. We hit it off and hooked up once before I came home. We continued to talk every night and about a month after I got back, I broke up with my ex to be with him. Then me and my current boyfriend were long distance a few months but talked for hours every day and visited each other a few times before he moved here.

 

Anyways, We’ve happily been together 3 years now and he recently told me that after we became official, but before he moved here, he met a really cool chick and hit it off with her and they made out, messed around, but did not have sex. Naturally, I was upset and I told him I won’t feel comfortable again in this relationship unless he can promise not to talk to her anymore. He doesn’t talk to her much anyway, and it really wouldn’t be hard for him, but he says that’s unfair and he refuses to be with someone who says “You’re not allowed to _____”, and its the principal of the thing. I said I shouldn’t have to be saying that, he should have offered not to talk to her because common sense that’s what you do after you cheat to make it right. And he is just NOT OK with me asking him not to contact her again. I said I literally am not a jealous type, he can be friends with all of his exes and literally any girl on the planet, just not HER because he cheated with her. And if he didn’t cheat, I would never tell him he was not allowed to do something, but he decided to break my trust and so he should at least do this to make it right.

 

Is asking him not to contact her an unreasonable request? And I know he is thinking since I was cheating on my ex with him when we first got together, I don’t have room to talk.. but I was not happy in that relationship and always knew me and my ex were better as friends and that I wasn’t going to be with him forever, it was just a matter of time. And at the time I cheated, I was unhappy and ready for the relationship to be over anyways. and cheating once you are unhappy in a relationship and don’t care if it ends is one thing, cheating in the beginning of a relationship with someone you’re crazy about and plan on being with long-term is another. Both situations were WRONG, and even though I was cheating on my ex-BF when I first hooked up with my boyfriend now, I feel so strongly for him and love him so much I would NEVER cheat on him, this is a guy I may want to marry some day and I’d never do anything to mess that up. I’ve made mistakes, but not in this relationship. I know I want to do things right with my current boyfriend and have the best relationship possible including fully trusting each other. My boyfriend says if I don’t allow him to contact the other girl, that I don’t trust him.. and what’s a relationship without trust? I guess I’m asking if what I just said makes sense to anyone else, or if it would make more sense that he agree not to talk to her in order for me to trust him.

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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It's as big of an issue as either of you want to make it. Of course he has a point about barking orders but you have a point if there is excess contact with female friends.

he met a really cool chick but did not have sex. he refuses to be with someone who says “You’re not allowed to _____”, and its the principal of the thing. since I was cheating on my ex with him when we first got together, I don’t have room to talk.
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noodle5673 Newbie

noodle5673

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Hmm...

 

Let me get this straight: You cheated on your ex-boyfriend with your current boyfriend, and now you're getting uptight that he cheated on you?

 

 

So in your opinion, because I've cheated before I'm not allowed to be upset he cheated? And because of that I should just tell him he can do what he wants and I'll trust him because I'm not allowed to be upset?

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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Yes. This is all you can do. Trust is essential to relationships and trying to control each other is destructive. So it's your choice.

 

You may not like everything a partner does.This is not harming the relationship...your jealousy and being controlling, however, is harming it.

I should just tell him he can do what he wants and I'll trust him
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rosephase Mentor

rosephase

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It sounds like your boyfriend is being clear. He isn't going to be in a relationship with someone who tells him who he can and can not talk to. I think that is a healthy and rational. Cheating or no. Not talking to her isn't going to keep him from cheating again if he wants to.

 

It comes down to trust on your part. Do you trust him? Or do you only trust him if you get final say in who he talks to?

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j.man Grand Master

j.man

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No, it's not reasonable, if for no other reason than it's completely ineffective. He's told you he wants to be able to stay in contact. He's told you he doesn't feel you're entitled to make such demands. At this point, do you really think you'd trust him if he turned around and said "OK?"

 

All we can do is spell out our boundaries. If there's fundamental conflict there, there's really no other choice unless you want to put yourself through misery delaying the inevitable.

 

He entered a relationship with you knowing that you'd cheated on your previous boyfriend with him. With that knowledge, he lost the right to hold it over you in any way. He cheated on you and you chose to stay with him. You likewise forfeited being able to take action apart from leaving him. Frankly, I have no idea how you establish trust given the conditions you both have set.

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lostandhurt Grand Master

lostandhurt

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It isn't unreasonable for you to feel like you do but you have both been extremely selfish so his behavior shouldn't surprise you.

 

You can feel the way you want and that is your right. You can also state what you are comfortable with and how you feel it is hurting your relationship but it is ultimately up to him who he speaks to and how he treats your feelings. He is a cheater after all so did you really think he was a good guy?

 

You need to end this relationship and be single for a while and try to realign your moral compass and then try again with someone new that respects boundaries and has compassion for others feelings.

 

Lost

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ParisPaulette Rising Star

ParisPaulette

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If he is serious about being monogamous with you and not cheating anymore, yes. Come on, every pop psychologist to every fully trained licensed and experienced relationship expert out there knows the answer to this one: no, no, never, absolutely fricking not, NOOOOOOO!

 

A relationship cannot heal itself and get back on track, so long as one of the two partners chooses to remain in touch with the person they had an affair with/cheated on the other with. It simply will not happen. All it means is he wants the best of both worlds, to play you two off against each other, and he is being a selfish (expletive) on top of it all and gaslighting you and insulting your intelligence in trying to even argue that he can or should or there is any reason under the sun, moon or stars that him staying in touch with her isn't a massive problem of the "You're still cheating on me a**hole" variety.

 

The fact that you even have to ask this question though tells me he's not serious about being faithful to you, only keeping you on a leash. And using your past against you to get what he wants is just so wrong on so many levels, I'm shocked you didn't grab him and toss him out the door on the spot. Two wrongs don't make a right. My advice tell him it's obvious who he's chosen, there's the door, he can get out and let it him in the backside as he goes. Then you block and delete and if he shows up you tell him he chose his bed, he can lie elsewhere, yours in no longer open for any business with him.

 

Rally friends, family, or go see a therapist and then take up a few things to boost your self-esteem that are accomplishments you have for yourself and not tied to any man. You will heal from that a whole lot faster than these mind games he's continuing to play.

 

P.S. He is right in that you can't tell him what to do, but the larger point is you shouldn't have to. In other words, stop being his parent and having to "baby" him when he does know right from wrong, but refuses to do it anyways. He is an adult, you can't stop him from cheating, the bigger point is you shouldn't have to do so. He should have enough common sense and threat of losing you that he blocks and deletes anyone who would come between you two. That he hasn't and won't should simply tell you that this is not a relationship you can trust and be relaxed and secure in anyways, so why delay the inevitable and continue to take hits to your self-esteem and respect?

 

If he was sincere about staying faithful and honest he would know he can't and shouldn't be putting that level of insecurity and fear on you. He's obviously not, so the larger question is why do you think staying will change that?

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