Advice?

[boson222]

Hi guys, I have been lurking through the threads for two months now as visitor. I finally decided to join and post my story hoping that someone cold help. I have read some great things and hope I could get some advice regarding my situation.

My ex girlfriend and I dated for a little over a year (Both early 20s). Before that we had been very close friends for a year. During this period of time my ex had a huge crush on me. I was her first boyfriend and she had never had such a crush (according to her and her cousins and friends). In the two months before we started dating we started having some arguments which I think were due to the fact that we had feelings for each other but didn't express them. These two months pass and we started dating. Everything was perfect, we had no major issues. Our only arguments were because of the fact that we used to text each other a lot. And they weren't even heated arguments...Anyway everything was perfect, she was close to my friends and my family, everyone liked her etc. Fast forward to two months ago, we broke up. The main reasons being that for a month before that we had been (almost) constantly arguing (once a week). These arguments used to surface due to the fact that we were under a lot of pressure from school and her being in bad financial situation. We broke up, kind of mutual, she proposed I agreed. She cried her eyes out and said that later on we could be together, she expressed her regret at the decision. Straight away I went NC. A month and a half later, I called her to apologize for everything wrong that I did, which she appreciated and deemed very nice. We then talked and she asked about me and my family about everything. One thing led to the other and we talk about reconciliation. She said she couldn't think about it now due to stress from work and school, and suggested we move on and that we could talk about it later on when there would be less stress if I wanted to. She cried over the phone, and seemed bitter about certain past things which was really confusing. A second she would be normal the other she would be sad. She had previously said that the only way we could get back together is if some things had changed and that a month isn't enough time for change to happen. She also mentioned that I shouldn't think about reconciliation because it go either way and that other people are out there for us.

I decided that I should move on, and that maybe next month or so I could contact her and see what happens. I am very confused about the situation and would appreciate it if anyone could give me advice on this.

She is under a lot of stress and last I heard she wasn't happy.

Thanks

 

BTW: The moving on part she said and everything related to that was the same thing her nasty friend told me when we broke up. Said friend of hers, who was jealous of me came up to me two weeks after the breakup and told me the same thing. And according to a friend of mine, this friend of hers is pumping ideas into her brain. Ideas like move on don't look back and talking about me..

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Way way too much arguing. Who needs all the stress of chronic arguing on top of all the other stress?

 

You are not compatible at all and she's right about moving on. Stay no contact. Believe her, It's time to move on.

we started having some arguments.

Our only arguments were because of the fact that we used to text each other a lot.

we had been (almost) constantly arguing

These arguments used to surface due to the fact that we were under a lot of pressure from school and her being in bad financial situation.

She also mentioned that I shouldn't think about reconciliation because it go either way and that other people are out there for us.

[boson222]

But these issues arised at the end. There were no compatibility issues, we got along on 90% of the things... It could go either way..

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but this statement doesn't sound like "it could go either way" it sounds like she's done. You argued chronically even as friends and never resolved any problems. She stated you stressed her out and hurt her.

 

She probably met someone else hence the statement "other people are out there for us". Stay no contact or do it your way and risk rejection again and hearing all about her new bf.

She also mentioned that I shouldn't think about reconciliation because it go either way and that other people are out there for us.

[boson222]

Well according to friends, she hasn't been seeing anyone.

The main issues wasn't the past arguing it was the arguing that happened at the end. We had opposite schedules and she had a lot on her shoulders.

At the end she told me that we could get back together like our friend did.

The other people out there was a way to make me feel better..

[Wiseman2]

She's done, she said so herself. Why listen to hearsay? What did she mean by "I shouldn't think about reconciliation"?

 

It sounds like she was trying to be nice about the breakup, but don't let that string you along or give you false hope. She can contact you if she's interested, right?

according to friends, she hasn't been seeing anyone. it was the arguing that happened at the end. The other people out there was a way to make me feel better..

[RainyCoast]

stress and financial problems often disclose incompatibility, and an inability on both sides to act as a team. she is telling you she isn't in a place to be in a relationship, that she if she were to be in one it would be with someone else, whom she doesn't already have evidence of stressful communication and failed attempts at cooperation.

 

telling yourself she is under the influence of some villain who is planting ideas into her head is futile. it is as if you're telling yourself her current decisions aren't her own, she's under the influence of some evil virus that does the talking for her and as soon as her immune system overrides it she'll see how deluded she was and reconcile with you. she chooses whose advice to listen to, what advice to agree with, and the decisions she is making are her own, made consciously and deliberately. and she is right.

 

you can twist her words, and words of others, and minimize the reasons for the break up, but it doesn't change the outcome and it only prolongs your suffering.

[boson222]

Well what she meant by it, as she explained it to me, is that we could get back together if we both fix our issues and we could not get back for some other reason. It's possible but if I stay stuck that we're certainly getting back together then it's bad.

I treated her really well and she was really happy with me(her words), we never had any major issue, only that we texted each other a lot(I know, it's bad). I can't help but feel that things will get fixed between us. I am hurt I, it is very painful.

After she had told me that I shouldn't keep thinking about reconciliation, I asked her if it meant that we're never going to talk about it again. She cried and told me that we could talk about it later when the semester is done (i.e. in two weeks time). She said she can't think about it now. That's why I thought that if I contacted her in a month or a bit more maybe things could work out.

Thank you wiseman2 I appreciate your input

[boson222]

well it is true what you said in the second part, but the stress and issues were present all throughout but the fact that we had conflicting schedules and practically no time to see each other properly meant that we couldn't talk and resolve such issues. The past year was great despite present stress etc.

thanks

[Wiseman2]

Ok then let her contact you so she has space to think and reflect.

I asked her if it meant that we're never going to talk about it again. She cried and told me that we could talk about it later when the semester is done She said she can't think about it now.

[boson222]

thank you guys i really appreciate it...

[RainyCoast]

the things is that functional couples can get through stuff like that without bickering. the other thing is that she is spelling it loud and clear she doesn't feel up to a relationship at all. she can't even think about it. when you're barely coping, you don't have the capacity to extend yourself to someone else. stress is a selfish condition, and it should be. until she is well and has taken care of herself, she can't be a half of a couple.

 

and she can't magically solve her distress in a month or two so that you wouldn't have to let go. she'll get better at her own pace. and then, she'll likely fall for someone who is a better fit, and so will you.

 

stressed or not, this girl is being rational.

 

i know it hurts to let go, but if you resist it now, it'll hurt far worse when you realize you've wasted months or a year of your emotional energy in vain.

[boson222]

I should add that I pushed her a bit too much. I wasn't very supportive. She tried the best she could.

As I said these issues were present but we worked through. We can't talk about getting back together or whatever since we both are overloaded with exams and things as such.

Her grades are on the line, without good grades she can't afford her education; no scholarship. That is why I said a month or so when the semester is done.

All of my friends suggested I try to talk to her then, at least once more.

I wanted to see what you people thought about it.

She had a massive crush on me for a year and I am her first boyfriend.

[Wiseman2]

Please leave her alone if and until SHE contacts You. She broke up because of needy selfish behavior, continuing it will not help. Your friends are misguiding you and telling you what you want to hear because they are exhausted trying to be honest with you, so they are saying "sure contact her", because it's the only answer you'll entertain, even though it won't work if she wants space.

[boson222]

you are right.

even though she said to talk to her if I ever needed anything.

my friends were all shocked by the breakup. These friends are mutual friends. The first advice they gave me was to wait and contact.

But now I think I should leave her alone completely. It hurts like hell