Staying close with your ex's family?

[lelkh72]

Hi.

 

My ex and I'd been dating for 5 years (I'm 23) and broke it off about 6 months ago. Our families were very close, as in often spending holidays together close.

My ex's younger brother (let's say his name is Jonny) was just 11 when we first met and he was, and still is, like a baby brother to me.

We're still close and text & call each other every now and then. So, a week ago it was Jonny's 16th birthday and I was invited. My ex wasn't there since he was out of town.

The issue is, my ex's current gf is apparently complaining that I am too close with his family members (I'm still keep in touch w his mom & sister as well) and they got into a big fight.

Now, I never see or contact my ex because he's in a new relationship and it would be rude to his new gf.

I sort of understand where she is coming from, but it's not easy to just cut off a really strong emotional bond that has been formed over a long period of time.

 

My friends & family members all have different opinions and I'd love some objective outside opinion on the matter.

Is it weird or inappropriate to maintain a close relationship with your ex's family when you've known them for so long?

[Wolfshook]

In my opinion, staying friends with exs parents is a bit too much. It's one thing to remain friends with their brothers/sisters,since they are closer to you in age (but some pause here would be good too), but how much (really) in common could you have with parents that are 20 years older than you and have completely different worries.

[Catlady23]

How long has he been with his new girlfriend ? Six months of you guys being broken up doesn't seem like a long time for him to be serious with another person. But everyone is different I guess.

Does he bring the new girl around the family? If his family was important people to you then keep them in your life as long as you need or want to. It's not fair for you to miss out on having people in your life because someone is uncomfortable about it. What if the relationship with this girl doesn't last and you gave up relationships with these people for nothing?

[Snny]

Exes staying in contact with family members is definitely crossing the line.

 

Turn the tables here; how comfortable would you be if an ex was lingering around with family members when you are in a new relationship? It would feel like:

1. The ex has influence over family and you don't have a chance with them

2. The family liked the ex more than they would like you.

 

You need to move on and back off. Even though you don't ever talk to your ex and his new girlfriend, what's to say you ex isn't getting pressure from his family members about getting back with you? Perhaps that's why there was a BIG fight between the family and his new girlfriend.

 

I've been in this situation before and had an ex who stayed in contact with my family. Not a good feeling at all. I felt threatened because my parents AND sister tried convincing me to rekindle the relationship him and didn't like my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I felt my parents didn't trust me and definitely felt betrayed that they would chose an abusive, manipulative ex over their own daughter. Super awkward and very threatening to my new relationship AND family.

 

So yea, sorry you will need to cut ties here because you are already causing rifts with the family. You will create a division and REALLY come off as the bad guy.

[lelkh72]

He's been with his gf for about 2 months I think.

Wow I never thought that his family might be putting pressure on him. They never really talk about my ex in front of me anymore so it didn't cross my mind, how stupid. That's unacceptable.

I guess cutting ties would be the rational, right thing to do. But I just can't imagine myself walking away from little bro. Any way I can do this without completely freezing him out? or is it necessary?

[Wolfshook]

He's been with his gf for about 2 months I think.

Wow I never thought that his family might be putting pressure on him. They never really talk about my ex in front of me anymore so it didn't cross my mind, how stupid. That's unacceptable.

I guess cutting ties would be the rational, right thing to do. But I just can't imagine myself walking away from little bro. Any way I can do this without completely freezing him out? or is it necessary?

I remained on the friendly note with my exs sister. Though I cut down on talking to her a lot. I actually told her that I think it's a bit weird that we talk so much so we should cut it down. Now we go on a coffee every once in a while (last time was 2 months ago). But I still refuse to actually go partying with her (even though shes been asking me a lot since I'm the only person she knows that likes the same art as her).

We kind of do it behind my exs back, we dont talk about my ex,and she doesnt talk to my ex about me.

 

You will have to see what works for you,but this kid is 16 years old and you are 21, doesnt that seem weird to you?

[Snny]

He's been with his gf for about 2 months I think.

Right- the point I'm making is that she needs to be given an unbiased, fair shot of building a relationship with his family. They may not be "serious" now, but you really don't know.

 

I also agree with Wolf- a 21 year old has no business with a 16 year old. You need to be within your age group because casually being around minors will lead to all sorts of legal trouble.

[pippy longstocking]

Sorry to say ..you lose the family as well as the ex ....It is better that way in the long run ...only exception is when you have children ..and even then it is up to each parent to make sure each side of the family see the children .

[Seraphim]

The brother is his though not yours . It is best to let his family go.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, in my opinion, being this close to his family is crossing a boundary. It's not appropriate, for anyone.

 

You can remain on friendly terms with the brother but you should absolutley not be attending events of any kind with them anymore.

 

A hard part of breaking up is also breaking up with the family. It's not easy, but it's what usually happens. Imagine when you eventually start dating someone, OP - do you think he will be okay with you hanging out with your ex's family? I very much doubt it.

 

It's time to cut the cord.

[Treato]

I'm going they the same thing but it's my ex that's hanging with my family at first I didn't care but now it's getting weird and makes me uncomfortable because I'm trying to heal he wants to come to family events etc. I plan on putting him on the block list of all my cousins and mom phone this week .

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It may be best to back away and minimize contact with his family. He's apparently asked you to back down so out of self-respect and respect for him, maybe that's a good idea.

 

You weren't married nor have children so excessive contact with his family now needs to be tapered off.

 

What does your family think? Perhaps if you start dating you'll understand and redirect your energy to a new relationship.

Our families were very close

The issue is, my ex's current gf is apparently complaining that I am too close with his family members .I never see or contact my ex because he's in a new relationship and it would be rude to his new gf.

[DancingFool]

Sorry but continuing to stay in contact and going to family events after you've broken up is really weird and totally crossing the line. Sure they might have welcomed you when you were dating, but now you are not. Time for you to move on and get out of their lives. They are his family, not yours. Focus on your own family and events.

 

As already pointed out, what on earth would you even have in common with his parents who are presumably your own parent's age. Ditto for the 16 year old brother. You are not his aunt, you are not his sister and I hate to be harsh, but really, you are just some chic his brother was dating for awhile and now he is dating someone else. Your sense of attachment and involvement with his family is over the top and misplaced.

[j.man]

Wildly inappropriate. Borderline creepy. I guess I couldn't stop an ex from having the occasional catch-up phone call with my mother (not that my mother would be interested in the least), but If I had one who insisted on being in my teenage brother's life, I couldn't imagine treating it anywhere near as kindly as your ex seems to be.

[HeartGoesOn]

He's been with his gf for about 2 months I think.

 

^

Where are you getting this information, (above)? Either way, and not to sound harsh, but it's time to cut the cord. I'm sure his family would understand if you kept your distance, and resumed communication after a good period of time.