Almost a month and a half since the BU

[20xx]

It has been almost a month and a half since my girlfriend had broken up with me, and about 15 days of strict NC. I am 21 years old, and I'm about to start the second half of my senior year in college after winter break. She was the first person I met in college, and was my best friend for the past 3 years. We started dating during the start of our Junior year. When she first met me, she was gunning for me harder than anyone else has ever tried - but I played way too hard to get (mostly because I wasn't interested), so she started dating other guys. Those relationships didn't last long, and she ultimately ended up chasing for me again. At the time, I didn't want a relationship, especially not with one of my good friends, so I decided to use her for booty calls. Not so noble, I know. If I had a time machine, I would've slapped the crap out of myself back then for even thinking like that.

Over time, I started to realize how badly I was treating her, and how she deserved to be treated better, so I gave in and tried to be the best boyfriend that I could. It took her everything to forgive me for toying with her heart, but she managed to do it and our relationship grew and blossomed into something awesome. Eventually, within the last two months of our relationship, I began to suspect that she was cheating on me. I don't know what made me think that - she always marketed herself as a person of high moral character. One of her closest friends got cheated on by his then girlfriend, and she would always tell me that she despised cheaters, doesn't understanding how anyone could do that, etc. I knew she had a lot of guy friends, but she would always treat her relationship with them as platonic, so I had no reason to suspect this. But this suspicion, combined with working 40 hours at a new job, taking 20 units, as well as certain family situations, made me fall back into my depression (I used to have it really badly before dating her, and she knew). Eventually, I sat her down, had a heart-to-heart conversation with her, and let her know what I was thinking. She admitted that she had developed feelings for one of her coworkers, we'll call him M. I was crushed, but I wasn't taken by surprise - I had a hunch that if she was cheating on me, it was with M. However, she said that it was just an attraction, and left it at that. I told her I understand, and that it is normal in adult relationships to find other people attractive, but this attraction should not be confused with love, and as long as she didn't do anything or let it go beyond just an attraction, then there is no reason to feel guilty. After we had that talk, we both felt relieved about everything, and I had peace of mind for a good day. But then I started to notice the same feelings of guilt in her throughout that week, so I ended up snooping through her phone and looking at her text messages with M. Big mistake.

Turns out M had kissed her, and she texted back, saying something along the lines of "I've been wanting to do that for a while, but I feel so guilty because I basically just cheated on my boyfriend. Not saying I didn't enjoy it though." She was in the shower when I was snooping through her phone, and when I saw this, it took every ounce of willpower I had to not blow up on her. I waited for her to get out of the shower, and calmly sat her down and told her I knew what her and M did.

When I had confronted her, she broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. She said she felt like she was losing her sense of self, and that she didn't know who she was anymore, and that we should end our relationship because she doesn't want me wasting my time anymore - because in her words, I "deserved someone better." I wanted to fight for it, but ultimately she ended it. Our one year anniversary was on Nov. 3rd, and it ended up being the day that we broke up too - life is poetic sometimes, perhaps this is karma punishing me for trying to use her for booty calls.

Skipping over some unimportant details, we ended up going out on a weird break up date on our anniversary anyways. It felt amazing, and it was without a doubt the best date I had ever had with anyone in my life thus far. She felt the same way. Obviously we touched on the subject of M, and she said that he wasn't my competition, that I have no competition, she just fell out of love with me, didn't want to be unfair to me anymore, but she only had room in her heart to love me, and wanted to fall back in love with me in the future. If you didn't know her, you would think that this sounds like a giant steaming pile of unicorn poop, but because I know her so well (or do I?) I believed every single word she said. We basically established that we would keep each other close, have small flings with other people, until the love between us reignites again and the timing is right. Obviously I'm starting to realize what we agreed upon is opening Pandora's box. After the break up, we both tried to go back to the friendship that we had before we started dating, but I kept seeing small signs of M pop up on her phone, and how easy it had seemed for her to replace me - which proved to be too toxic for me to handle. So I decided to initiate NC, and I let her know that I couldn't be friends with her - at least not at the moment.

It has been 15 days since I went on strict NC, blocking her from every form of social media (she kept posting selfies of her and M on her snapchat story, which made me relapse a couple of times). I have felt immensely better, but there are still days where all I can think about is her, and what she did to me. There are times where I feel like I'm a fool, and that I shouldn't be giving a cheater a second chance. But at the same time, our relationship started off less than ideal, and the fact that she was able to look pass my mistakes, I feel obligated to do the same. There are times where I feel like just moving on completely, but the relationship I had with her was better than any relationship I had with anyone else. And I know, I'm only 21, I'm really young. I still have time to find someone who will treat me like I deserve to be treated.

 

But I'm just afraid of accepting the fact that my ex and I were only meant to meet, not to be.

 

I should add that I have had a handful of girls chase after me before, but I have never met anyone as determined as her. From the moment she met me, she was crazy for me. Moreover, when we started dating, she was the one that would introduce me to her family first, and talk about marriage and kids and all that stuff - which I was perfectly okay with, but I knew it wouldn't happen for a while. During the breakup, beyond just the talk about M, she said she was anxious about her future and didn't know where she would be in a couple years, whereas I seemed to have my life together. She's an art major, and I'm a pre-med Bio major. To me, it seemed like this situation stemmed from her anxiety about her professional future, as well as the fact that we were both each other's first serious relationship and that she wanted to experience other things. At the same time, my close friends are telling me that I got played, and that I should move on.

It just baffles me that her, of all people, could cheat on me. She was always the pursuer in this relationship, and wouldn't take no for an answer. So for her to replace me that easily? I just don't understand. Her cheating definitely bruised my ego, but I can't imagine someone as sweet as her being this heartless. Guess this just shows you never really know someone as well as you thought you did.

 

The NC has been helping me immensely, and I have been keeping busy with working out and dusting off some old hobbies and learning new ones as well, but some days are harder than others. At what point would it be okay for us to be friends again? Would it ever be okay? Could I ever be okay from transitioning from best friends, to lovers, to JUST friends?

 

This was more to vent than anything else, but you guys could chime in and add your opinions as well if you want. I would love to see what others are thinking about my situation.

[shiner501]

Hang in there dude.

You are on the right path. NC is the way to go. Whenever anyone has 'doubts" or needs "space", give it to them immediately and let them feel the vacuum of your absence. We always feel that the ex we just broke up with was "the one". But it is a myth, as you will come to realize. She was a phase of your life and there will be others, better ones, to come. You cannot see that now, in the fog of the break-up and the inherent emotional turmoil you find yourself in. We have all felt that pain you are in now. Trust us, we know.

 

Just be polite and say hello if you bump into her but never be friends again. Don't ignore her, be polite.

 

BTW - learn to write in paragraphs. Your message is hard to read.

[gebaird]

I don't think it's black or white -- that she's either a wonderful and sweet person, or a lying cheater who played you. The truth is she's both.

 

Sometimes people who fall in love quickly also fall out of love quickly. The way you treated her in the beginning of the relationship had an impact, perhaps planting seeds that caused the eventual breakup. You can't take it back, but you can treat the woman in your life better in the future.

 

You aren't obligated to put up with her bad behavior just because she put up with yours. That isn't loyalty -- it's dysfunction.

 

You made the right decision to stop all contact, and you DO deserve someone who treats you better than she did. I don't know if you'll ever get to the point where you can be okay being friends with her. Until you can picture yourself not flinching when she tells you about dating other guys (possibly sharing intimate details), you're not ready to make the attempt. Ignore everything she said about getting back together down the road. The odds of that happening are about the same as stepping in a steaming pile of unicorn poop on your next walk across campus.

 

For now just focus on your own healing, and when your heart says, "I miss her," tell it to shut the hell up. Reopening the channels of communication is the emotional equivalent of stepping into a minefield.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but after that much water under the bridge, "JUST friends" would be a foolish choice.

 

You got together too young for too long and both should be enjoying more freedom and dating others.

Could I ever be okay from transitioning from best friends, to lovers, to JUST friends?

[20xx]

BTW - learn to write in paragraphs. Your message is hard to read.

 

I realized I'm a dingus and that I'm not too good at writing after midnight. Not too sure how I did so well on all my college papers lmao. Thanks for your input though, it's not so much that I don't think I'll ever find someone better, it's just hard to come to terms with everything that has just happened. Sucks that my first love had to end in one of the toughest ways - but then again, I guess the first will always be hard to deal with.

 

I don't think it's black or white -- that she's either a wonderful and sweet person, or a lying cheater who played you. The truth is she's both.

 

That was something I had to force myself to realize - that her cheating was gray and not as black and white as I wanted it to be. But its because of this fact, that its hard to come to terms with what she did. Her talking to M constantly was a slippery slope for sure, and I'm not saying it isn't her fault that she cheated - it definitely is. But its because of this gray area that I feel obligated to forgive her. But you're right, I shouldn't feel that obligation - at least not right now. I guess I should focus on getting back on my feet, before I get comfortable with the idea of forgiving her. Maybe I never will forgive her, and that'll be for the best. It's a scary thought to entertain. She was also so entwined with my life prior to this break up, even when we were best friends. Hard to go from talking to someone everyday for the past three years, to not at all. C'est la vie.

 

Sorry to hear this but after that much water under the bridge, "JUST friends" would be a foolish choice.

 

You got together too young for too long and both should be enjoying more freedom and dating others.

 

Its funny because she said something similar - that us dating was right, but the timing wasn't. In her words: it was a classic case of right person, wrong time.

 

Thanks for your input guys. Yesterday was particularly tough because I laid around doing nothing all day, so the boredom allowed for my emotions to come creeping up on me again. Recovering from this heartbreak is an up and down process, but my ups are higher, and my downs are shallower. I'm just looking forward to the day when I'll stop thinking about this day in and day out.

[gebaird]

I guess I should focus on getting back on my feet, before I get comfortable with the idea of forgiving her. Maybe I never will forgive her, and that'll be for the best. It's a scary thought to entertain.

 

Forgiving her is an important part of your healing process, but it's one thing to forgive and another to invite her back into your life. Forgiveness is ultimately a gift you give yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to continually expose yourself to being hurt by her.

[MagnusDahn]

I honestly think NC is the way to go here. You need to let it go, enjoy your freedom and take some time for yourself for a while. I'm sure if it was meant to be, things will come around. You're still young and the world is such a big place, don't confine yourself in this.

 

Good luck!