Breakup Due to Anxiety/Depression Advice

[DarthLlama]

Okay, so I need some advice with how to go forward from here. Basically, me and this girl had been interested in each other for a while and a few months ago we decided to finally ask each other out and make it official. Honestly the last few months have been the happiest times of my life, as sappy as that might seem. We had a lot of serious discussions during the relationship, including her talking about moving in with me in the future, and her saying things like she couldn't imagine a life without me. Honestly all of the stuff she said to me and the way she talked to me made me fall more and more in love with her, and we were both so passionate about it. The one thing that always loomed over, however, was the depression she suffered from and the severe anxiety she also has.

 

She didn't tell me about it at first, instead saying things about how sad and lonely she was when she didn't know if I was interested in her or not, and how happy she was now. She always told me how happy I made her and how she couldn't imagine handling any of her problems on her own without me. While dating I tried my best to calm her anxieties by talking to her and offering her comfort and an outlet, which she was so grateful for. It seemed to help a lot, and even a friend commented on how good it was for her to have me as an outlet for all of these feelings that she had been bottling up. Besides me, she's never told her friends or family about how depressed and anxious she is, despite my urging to at least communicate with her family, but she seemed to be handling it alright. When she would say things like she was "used to being unhappy" I would always remind her that she didn't have to carry it on her own anymore, and it always helped to ease her burden.

 

Several months into the relationship, about 3 or 4 weeks ago, she started to seem more anxious. She's on medication for something unrelated that makes anxiety and depression a lot worse, so I assumed it was a combination of this medicine along with life stresses. She found herself increasingly worried about her family life, her work life, and her school life. She started venting to me more and more, and I tried my best to help her, however the conversations were increasingly ending with her still being upset and saying something like "whatever" or "it doesn't matter." There was also a big threat on the horizon; she was deciding to pack up and move to a different state either in a year or two, and she was worried I would be upset that she was leaving. I told her that she had to do what made her happy, and she seemed relieved I wasn't upset, but she would never talk about it further.

 

During this time she had a really bad anxiety attack, one that I wasn't able to help with. She just kept telling me that she was fine in person and to stop bothering her, but when I checked up on her later that night she wasn't responding. I let her know that I was worried about her and she revealed that she had hurt herself. She said that she went through periods of her feeling worthless and she deserved the pain, and she did it in spots that nobody could see. I had no idea and I assured her that I would be there for her and tried to help her find other outlets for her pain and the need to do this to herself. I told her that if she ever felt that upset again she could call me whenever and I would drop what I was doing and come over and we could go do something to distract her. She told me that she really appreciated that and it meant so much that I cared about her and would be willing to do that. I let her know that I loved her and she told me that she loved me too, but she didn't want to bring me down because she couldn't love herself.

 

She started becoming more and more distant after that, despite it ending on a good note. I started helping her a lot with schoolwork to ease the stress, and she thanked me for it and said that she loved me so much and "didn't deserve me." I always said that she deserved so much more than I could give her and she always seemed so happy about it. She needed a lot of encouragement, and I always reminded her what I loved about her. If she complained about a part of her that she didn't like, I would let her know why I thought it was cute. Things seemed to get better, but at the same time they got worse. When we were together in public sometimes she would face away from me or pull away if I touched her, and other times she would grab my arm and hover around me, silently though.

 

Her replies became single-worded and spaced out a long time from when I talked to her, and sometimes she wouldn't reply at all unless she needed something or had a question. In person she hardly talked, but would still walk with me in silence. I tried to ask what was wrong, but she got upset if I pressed the issue. She also became very sick during this time, and I helped her through that. She talked to me a lot about her symptoms and how sick she felt, and I offered to bring her a lot of stuff, however she always declined and said she was too sick. My birthday came along and she had initially invited me to do something with a group of friends, but when they canceled and I tried to initiate something she declined because she didn't feel better, or so she said. The next day she spoke to me in the morning and things seemed fine, she wasn't moving away when I touched her, but about midday something changed.

 

She got quiet and was moving away from me again. I asked if she was feeling better and she told me "I don't know." I jokingly said that wasn't an answer and told her she could tell me if something was wrong, but she just replied with "whatever." She faced the complete opposite direction of me after that, and finally I asked her once more if something was wrong and placed my hand on her shoulder. She pulled away, looked at me and said "I'm fine oh my god stop bothering me." She walked away in silence after that and didn't speak to me for the rest of the day, except to ask for some notes.

 

That night she broke up with me, stating that I didn't do anything wrong and treated her so good and helped so much with her issues, but there wasn't anything more I could do. She said the problems were her own personal issues and she didn't think it was good for her to be in a relationship or for me to be in one with her. She said that she still liked me and wanted to talk and hang out, but only if I wanted to because she understood if I was mad. She also added that since she planned on moving in the future it would only lead to disappointment if we kept dating.

 

I told her that she had to do whatever she needed to do to make herself happy, and that I supported her decision if she was making it for herself and not because she was worried about hurting me. I also said that I didn't think we had to break up because of her moving so far off in the future, because we had so much time left to enjoy with each other. I ended by asking her to clarify what she meant by "liking" me still, because I didn't want her to say something like that just out of consideration for me. She said she still liked me, but not in a romantic way because of something wrong in her head. She asked if I was okay, I said obviously I was surprised and sad but if it was better for her then it didn't matter.

 

The first day after the breakup she talked to me like things were normal, but since then she has been avoiding me in person and occasionally messaging me. She messaged me a few days after to tell me about some of the stressful things going on because "I was the only one who cared about her" and she thanked me for being there for her. A few days later we started chatting about our days and mutual interests, but out of nowhere she started replying with one-word answers so I let the conversation die. She has since reached out to me about help with schoolwork, but that was it. She asked a question, I gave an answer, and she ended the conversation. She also started talking about how stressed she was about failing classes, I tried to tell her she would be fine and she said "whatever" and ended the conversation.

 

None of her friends know why this happened either. They talked about how happy she was while we were dating and how she had feelings for me for such a long time, and now she just seemed sad. She hasn't told any of them about her potential moving away or about her depression, anxiety, or self-harm, and have given them different reasons for why our relationship ended. She told one she just wanted to be friends with me, one that she still liked me, and one that she was bored with the relationship. Also, a lot of private information about what happened while we were dating has been circulated by one of her friends, but I'm not sure if that's stuff she knew while we were dating or stuff she was told after the fact.

 

In the end, I just want to know what anyone thinks I should do now. I want to move on, but our feelings were so strong and I just cannot make myself get over them, especially because I'm not sure why she ended the relationship, since she's told different people different things. I'll assume what she told me was the truth, and to me it seems like she's isolating herself with her anxiety and I still want to be able to help her. What should I do? Do you think she might come back around, or is there any way I can convince her to try the relationship again?

[rosephase]

It sounds like she is being pretty clear with you. She isn't emotionally ready to be in a relationship. She needs to learn how to like herself and take care of herself and before she does that she isn't going to be a good partner for anyone. Of course she was less depressed when she was falling for you. Love is a great drug. It can pull you out of depression for a chunk of time. But it won't last. Leave her be. And watch who you are attracted to. If you are chasing women that you can save or fix or "make happy" then you might have some emotional issues yourself you need to work through.

[DarthLlama]

I know, and thank you for the reality-check. Despite what she's said to friends, I do feel like she was sincere and straightforward with me so I know I need to let her have her own space to heal. It's the first time I've been involved with someone with these issues, so I was just feeling like I somehow let her down or somehow messed up and caused this, but the more I've read the more I've been able to accept I haven't done anything wrong and that these are issues she needs to, sadly, handle on her own. I'll still be there for her to help her through anything she feels like venting about, but I've accepted that she's most likely not going to change her mind about this and I need to move on, as hard as that may be. There hasn't been anyone who's been able to give me any solid advice about this though, so I really do appreciate the response.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Agree she's not ready for a relationship. She needs a therapist. Even though you think you are "being there for her" it is preventing her from getting the professional help she really needs.

 

Relationships are not about one person fixing another "broken" person. Do not offer to be her therapist and do not remain in the friendzone with her if a relationship is what you are looking for.

She messaged me a few days after to tell me about some of the stressful things going on because "I was the only one who cared about her" and she thanked me for being there for her. She hasn't told any of them about her potential moving away or about her depression, anxiety, or self-harm