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I think this may have been one of the worst years of my life (LONG POST SORRY)


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Well, the title is wrong haha. The last months of 2015 and this whole year has been pretty bad. Around September of 2015 I met a guy who was about two years older than me and went to the same college as me. We hit it off well and we were really starting to like each other until in December of 2015 I foolishly gave him my virginity. After that day, he only talked to me sporadically and usually never saw me. I guess that had been his intention all along, to sleep with me and leave. It was pretty foolish of me but I suppose its because I've never flirted or had a boyfriend before so I don't really know how to read guys well? Or maybe I'm just a dummy lmao Anyway, he calls me once more on New Years Eve. We were on winter break but we are both from the same city so we lived relatively close. I blocked his number, instagram, snapchat, everything so he contacts me using his cousin's snapchat. He tells me he wants to see me and talk and seemed upset I blocked everything. I brush this off but agree to see him on New Years Day. And that, I do! Instead of having a conversation like an adult, he gives a sucky apology and tries to have sex with me. I try to evade his advances but in the end, I go along with it because my judgment is terrible!

It turns out the house we were in was his cousin's house and we were not too far from his own apartment. So out of nowhere he tells me he'll be back and he never does. A few minutes after I realize he's taken way too long to come back, there's a knock on the door. It's his cousin who tells me that the boy who just left, (I haven't given him a name yet, lets call him Adam) will come back soon and that he'd keep me company for a little bit.

Immediately, the cousin (let's call him Frank, for lack of a better name) is kind, really flirty and kind of interesting. I recognized him immediately too. He's an alumni at my college and lived nearby the college. So after a deep conversation and a lot of touching, I make the foolish move of having sex with him. Not even an three hours after meeting him. It was ty move and till this day I'm ashamed to let my lack of responsibility allow this. Trust me, I wish I hadn't done that. Adam calls in the midst of our actions and says he'll there in a few seconds and we scramble to put our clothes on. Soon the three of us leave the house together, Adam unaware of everything that had happened.

That day passes and I continue to see Adam periodically, mostly to have sex. At this point I had become someone he just used and trust me, where I went wrong with that was that I allowed this. I didn't tell him to leave me the heck alone or to hit the road because I didn't want him. Meanwhile we sporadically see each other, I was seeing Frank, his cousin almost every week, many times in a week and most of the time we never engaged in sexual contact aside from kissing or the casual cuddle.

Months pass like this: me seeings Adam rarely at most but seeing Frank basically all the time. Emotionally, I was in a bad place. I felt like I was fool being used by two idiots (trust me they're idiots but I guess I'm the biggest fool!) who probably said disgusting things about me. Adam didn't find out I was seeing Frank until around March. He seemed upset but being the sleazy a-hole he is, he prompted me to have a threesome My blood was boiling when he messaged me that. Being the idiot I was, it did happen. I won't talk about it because right after it happened, I broke down when I got home. My lack of ability to own up to my actions and blame them was starting to get to me. So I decided to take action.

I told Adam in person that it was best if we never saw each other again. He pleaded me to stay only with him and forget about Frank but I told him I wanted nothing to do with either of them. The only reason I gave him was 'I'm doing what is best for myself. Sorry.' Then, I messaged Frank and told him it was best that we never saw each other again. It was a bad move since I'm a person who likes person-to-person confrontation but I went along with it. He told me that he still had clothes that I had left from when I slept at this house a few times and that he only wanted me to himself, he never wanted that threesome and felt that because I had agreed to it and Adam had been fervently asking, he should do it. I told him I agreed for similar reasons and we agreed that I would get the clothes and leave.

I went to his house and caught him right as he was about to step out his door. He told me he was going to buy breakfast and told me to come along. I did and we sat and chatted a for a long while. We went back to his place and there, I made another wrong choice. He asked whether I needed the shirts or if I would stay to watch a movie. I stayed, as many of you predicted. We didn't do anything but assured both of us that I was going nowhere out of his life anytime soon. Things were going sooooo well. It was as if we started anew and our relationship was stronger than ever.

However, one day in June I ruin it by going to Adam's apartment. I unblocked his number but deleted him from social media because I didn't want to see his face and at some point some caring about him. We slept together and I felt guilty almost immediately. Frank may have found out because for a month, he didn't talk to me. I figured he may have found out and felt like crap. However summer break had started and I traveled to Colombia with my family as we usually do. I got back in July and he called me a few days after, telling me he wanted to see me. He saw that I was at a party at the time but I felt soon after to be with him and we slept together. It felt impersonal and I was sad as we laid together. I felt like an idiot. A month passed without us seeing each other and I decided to see Adam again this time in Frank's house. Adam had a hard time convincing me but he told me that Frank was with a girl and that he wouldnt know I was there so it wasn't a problem. I go, we do it, and Adam tells me he has to use the bathroom. He goes and DOES THE SAME THING AS NEW YEARS only he actually was in the bathroom doing God knows what. Anyway, Frank knocks and sees its me. He's shocked but asks if I want to hang out in his room. Immediately my blood boils. How dare he ask me to 'hang out' when he was just with another girl?! Is he crazy? (it turns out that day he wasn't with any girl, explaining a lot of things about that day but anyway) I leave angrily without Adam knowing and he texts me later feeling upset that I left and said nothing.

I go to Colombia again for a second time in August and come back in September. Frank ignores me until my birthday in September and wishes me happy birthday and gives me a lot of birthday blessings. However, we do not message each other until the 23rd of September when he randomly wishes me a happy belated birthday (which was weird because he already wishes me a happy birthday). Then we don't see each other until October when he makes an effort to reconnect with me. At this point I had thought he wouldnt ever enter my life again but I was wrong. Adam by this time has gotten a girlfriend and is out of my life and I' m thankful for that honestly!

Now I'm back in my routine with Frank. We see each other frequently and just hang out and at times engage in sex. We were never in a relationship but now I can say my feelings for him are strong. However, I know what is good for me and I know I should leave him in 2016. I told him that I don't want to see him anymore and that its for the best but he ignores me every time I try. The one day I seriously addressed it, he told me I only feel that way because I feel like he's using me. I did partially agree because THATS EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING WHETHER HE KNOWS IT OR NOT. He says that he wasn't using me. He liked me a lot, liked my vibes, thought I was 'mystical' and thought I was his best and best option. He knows I don't go 'guy to guy' and haven't ever been in a relationship and he seems to like that. He thinks I'm 'different' whatever that means. He did confess he had sex with one girl between that period in June and July when he might have found out I slept again with Adam and when I was in Colombia but that she meant nothing and that he currently isn't speaking/flirting/having sex with/texting/etc with any girl but me. I do believe him because he's actually a pretty busy person and seeing that I have spent a day with him, I know what kind of busy life style he's leading but there is always room for doubts. However, a huge part of me doesn't trust him at all and doesn't want to see him in 2017 but another wants to keep believing the blind hope and faith I have. At this point, I don't know what to do.

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