Boyfriend is great, but still have intense feelings for old ex.

[kaylinnc]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here so forgive me if this isn't the right place to post. To start, I dated my ex for two years. We had a rocky relationship and fought but really intensely loved each other. We were young (end of high school/start of college) and stupid and he was petty over a lot of stuff. He broke up with me in 2012, just because, and I made it really clear I didn't want to talk to him again, and he respected that and I haven't directly heard from him since, though since his family is friends with mine, I see his mom and grandparents from time to time (who love me and want me to date him again).

 

 

Since the 2013, Ive been dating my current boyfriend. He is fantastic. He treats me like a princess, he's smart, kind, his family is great, and we've been together consistently for almost 4 years. I have this predicament where I found out my ex has written me a letter that he is too afraid to send. His grandma told me that he poured his heart out into it and it ultimately says he would give up anything to just try again. Hearing this almost put me into tears. I have denied how much I still care for my ex. While I love my current boyfriend, I feel this pull back to my ex that is un-ignorable and its not fair to my current boyfriend. It's not fair to him that I am even considering this as a possibility to be honest.

 

I dont know if its a phase or if I truly dont want to be with my current boyfriend anymore, regardless of my ex. I dont feel "in love", even though I deeply care about him. I am scared we're getting into the phase where everyone is getting engaged, and honestly the thought of him proposing to me terrifies me. I am so confused.

 

 

I know how this sounds, and I know how unfair this is to my current boyfriend, so I would only like people to give insight on this situation, not tell me about how terrible of a girlfriend I am.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

And women wonder why guys have commitment issues and don't want to get married. Because stuff like this happens all too often. The dirt bag that treats girls poorly wins every time against the guys that treat her like a princess.

 

Either way that doesn't help you and that's not why you're here.

 

I would say blow it off and chalk it up to your ex is your ex for a reason. Instead of denying your feeling you thik you still have for him. Why not deny him altogether. If things are going great between you and the boyfriend you HAVE...why go back to something that failed already. You're right, it's not fair...

[Wiseman2]

Focus on your current bf. Not hearsay and curiosity about this ex. Maybe his grandma is meddling or has a touch of senility. interestingly you never actually heard from him, right? Maybe someone just dumped him or whatever, a very common reason to think about an ex.

 

Are you willing to jeopardize what you have over curiosity and nostalgia? You mentioned "We had a rocky relationship and fought", you want all that back in favor of what you have now?

Since the 2013, Ive been dating my current boyfriend. He treats me like a princess, he's smart, kind, his family is great, and we've been together consistently for almost 4 years.

[kaylinnc]

Thank you for your insight. Its not like my current boyfriend doesn't have his own major issues that cause conflict between us too. The reason I even consider trying again is because of how much time has passed. My dad recently ran into him and told me about how much he has grown up and how nice it was to talk to him.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

lol but you didn't mention any issues. You told us how great he was and how great he treated YOU! That's what matters.

 

EVERY relationship has rocky times and nonsense. It's how well you work THROUGH that nonsense as a TEAM.

 

Not all people are good team mates. Some people play on your side and help you through, and some people like to watch you do the work from the sidelines.

 

You do what you want either way. This is a lesson that EVERYONE has to learn.

Honestly I'm hoping you go back to the ex so the current boyfriend can find a girl that's loyal and not blow him off everytime your ex decides to write a letter

[Wiseman2]

Why is your family dictating your love life? Is this arranged dating/arranged marriage? Or do you have your own choice in who you love and who you date?

The reason I even consider trying again is because of how much time has passed. My dad recently ran into him and told me about how much he has grown up and how nice it was to talk to him.

[kaylinnc]

Thank you for your response. I am loyal to my boyfriend. But I have to figure out what is the right choice for me too. I am also thinking that I am just questioning things now that this has stupid letter has popped up and I will likely stay with my boyfriend, but I just wanted outside input and it is really helping me come to my senses. It's hard to remember how easy things were at 18 and how high school flames don't necessarily translate into adulthood. This isnt something I've had to deal with before.

[kaylinnc]

Why is your family dictating your love life? Is this arranged dating/arranged marriage? Or do you have your own choice in who you love and who you date?

 

by no means is my family dictating my love life. My dad mentioned he ran into my ex and just said they had a nice conversation. I was making that point to express that I believe he has grown up from our past relationship.

[Wiseman2]

But he has made zero contact with you, correct?

I was making that point to express that I believe he has grown up from our past relationship.

[kaylinnc]

He has relayed messages through his family to me, like happy birthday etc. but not directly.

[mandeelove]

I'd say stay with your current bf or move on alone. But dont get back with the ex or try because if that fails u will kick yourself in the butt if u lost a good guy(your current bf). If your current bf isnt a good guy , then thats not good either and perhaps u need to be alone. Any guy that really captures your heart would make u forget ur ex and never look back !!. Thats my opinion. Maybe ur new guy has something missing.

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't sound like you have any evidence from him directly that he is remotely interested in anything but being polite, friendly and cordial when he runs into your family.

 

He hasn't contacted you. Additionally your family must have told him you've been with this current guy and "he treats you like a princess" So this former bf would be a fool to reach out. .

He has relayed messages through his family to me, like happy birthday etc. but not directly.

[Hollyj]

If you are not in love with this man, then the only reasonable thing to do, is end it. He has the right to be with someone that has mutual feelings.

 

The issue with your ex should not sway your decision.

 

Do the right thing.

[Ms Darcy]

Since the 2013, Ive been dating my current boyfriend. ... I dont feel "in love", even though I deeply care about him. I am scared we're getting into the phase where everyone is getting engaged, and honestly the thought of him proposing to me terrifies me.

 

You have been with your current bf for three years and you are not in love with him?!

 

No matter what you decide with the ex, you need to leave this current bf.

[pippy longstocking]

And women wonder why guys have commitment issues and don't want to get married.

 

It works both ways sunshine , or did you miss the hundreds of posts with distraught women in them .

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

It works both ways sunshine , or did you miss the hundreds of posts with distraught women in them .

 

I didn't miss any of those but look at the studies that have been done. The number of men (which I won't try to relay in fear of spreading mis-information) that are no longer interested in marriage or don't list it as a high priority anymore when compared with even ten years ago. It's a growing number and I feel it's directly related to either infidelity of parents or the "hot/cold" roller coaster of emotions women constantly play.

Are guys just as bad with lots of same insecurities and problems? Sure. Do men have similar cases of infidelity? Sure.

But at the end of the day, boys don't plan their wedding day from an early age. Those are female traits. Dressing up and playing "house", or planning the wedding from an early age.

 

I'll try to find some of the articles I have read over the years. I wasn't trying to sound like it's all women's fault but with the rise of feminism these days and making men sound like the bad guy (no pun intended) you try and stick up for your buddies

[JRP]

Focus on your current relationship. Is it right for you, regardless of how you feel about your ex. If its been 4 years and you don't feel in love, you don't want him to propose, get out of there. Your feelings for your ex are likely just a way your body is telling you that the relationship you are in is not right. I don't know you so I can't say, but I imagine that these feelings could come out again if someone knew showed interest. You might not cheat, but if you are even considering other people then your BF is not right for you.

 

Forget about your ex, but forget about your bf also.

[shiner501]

.....It's a growing number and I feel it's directly related to either infidelity of parents or the "hot/cold" roller coaster of emotions women constantly play.

Are guys just as bad with lots of same insecurities and problems? Sure. Do men have similar cases of infidelity? Sure.

 

Absolutely. I am getting pretty tried as a guy being expected to live and adapt and walk around egg-shells to the roller coaster emotions of many modern women. How come when women just finish and dump a kind and good man who was loving, honest and faithful to them then they are "finding themselves" and if I as a guy did that to a good woman I am a douche-bag???