Boyfriend won't stop making assumptions/accusations and I don't know what to do

[MissAndromeda]

My boyfriend and I will have been together 3 years this upcoming January. We've been through a lot together and have recently started spending more time with one another. We've been seeing each other almost every day for the past few months. This has started to test our relationship in new ways that it never has before and is forcing us to learn how to communicate better. Being together so often has led to more frequent fights, although not an unhealthy amount, and I need advice. Normally, we are able to talk through things but my boyfriend has a very bad habit of making assumptions and accusing me of things. Not of cheating or anything like that, but he will say things like "You never listen to me," or "You're not even listening to me," even though I am and always listen to him, which I have told him. He will also say things like "I wish you were more open with me," or "You should be more open," and I am as open with him as someone can possibly be and tell him everything. I've told him this countless times, but he doesn't seem to get it. I've also told him that he needs to stop making assumptions and accusations like that, and that he should just ask me things instead of jumping to conclusions. Yet he still doesn't listen to me and I've grown tired of repeating myself over and over again and feel like I shouldn't have to repeat myself a thousand times to begin with. It's gotten to the point where I've started getting irritated as soon as he starts doing it and then it escalates into an argument. Although, it is not a yelling match when we argue and we don't call each other names or be ugly toward one another. However, it is not the way things should be and the way I know they could be. I can't help but feel like if he could just stop jumping to conclusions and making accusations, we could talk things through so much better. I know I could bear in mind that he doesn't mean to do it, but I also feel like I'm not asking a lot and that I shouldn't have to put up with it when I've asked him not to do it for what seems like the millionth time. And then when I don't put up with it, he ends up getting really upset and starts crying and then I feel bad. For example, last night when I got to his house, he started working on his computer and I started working on my phone and we were both preoccupied, so we didn't say much and he ended up asking me "What's wrong?" to which I told him "Nothing," and he continued to pressure me about it afterwards, even though I had already told him the truth. He automatically assumed that something was wrong, even though there wasn't and I told him that there wasn't. So I started to get irritated when he kept pressuring me about it and started to get up to move to the bed because the chair I was in was uncomfortable and he told me "You never listen to me, you never want to listen to me anymore," and I got upset because that isn't the case and he knows better. It ended up escalating and I wasn't in the right mindset to deal with it and told him I needed some space to cool down for a little while. He kept telling me "I'm just trying to talk to you," and kept pressuring me to talk and I'm the type of person that I legitimately can't talk sometimes when I'm upset. I will try to and then I can't get my words out properly and say what I need to and I end up getting more upset and it makes things worse. But no matter how many times I say that, he doesn't seem to understand it. So he ended up getting frustrated and scared of losing me and began crying, so I felt bad. I could probably be more understanding, but I just don't know how when I've dealt with this for so long and my patience is running thinner. I am a very patient person, especially with him, so that is saying a lot. I really don't feel like I'm asking for much. I don't ask for much to begin with, considering that I am not a demanding or controlling person at all. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice or words would be welcome and very much appreciated. Thank you.

[melancholy123]

Crying? He starts crying? What an immature person he is. How old is this guy? He sounds like he's got issues and could possibly use some help defining and resolving them. I could not and would not put up with someone so neurotic.

[agent1607307371]

This is manipulation. He says something you can't disprove. You get agitated trying to disprove it. A fight breaks out. He cries. You feel bad. You look after him.

 

It's all geared towards you feeling bad and treating him like he's a baby.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are spending way too much low-quality time together. Spend less time together and when you do spend time together plan some interesting dates and joint activities.

 

It sounds like you are getting on each other's nerves with mindless low quality hang-outs. Interact more. That's what both of you are complaining about. Two bored to death people saying "what's wrong" in the hope of interesting conversation is futile.

 

You are BOTH not listening and BOTH making assumptions/accusations. Just stop that and start planning things that encourage interaction and meaningful intelligent conversation.

he will say things like "You never listen to me," I've also told him that he needs to stop making assumptions and accusations like that.last night when I got to his house, he started working on his computer and I started working on my phone and we were both preoccupied, so we didn't say much and he ended up asking me "What's wrong?" to which I told him "Nothing," and he continued to pressure me about it afterwards

[DancingFool]

Him assuming that something is wrong and then pressuring you for response is....annoying.... However, when you tell him that it's nothing, it's ineffective communication to someone like him who is anxious. Instead of telling him it's nothing and then moving away, which will get interpreted as "see it is something and she just won't talk to me and now I'm really anxious and worried", try a different approach. Ask him why he thinks something is wrong or what is it that you are doing that makes him think something is wrong. In short, engage him in a conversation instead of pushing it away and make him put his anxiety into words and rationalize it. It will help you clear up faster that nothing is wrong.

 

For example, he tells you he thinks something is wrong because you were on your phone and not talking to him. Your response, I see how you can think that. Well, I was simply working on my phone because I saw you were busy on the computer, so I didn't want to interrupt what you were doing. So we are fine and nothing is wrong. Is there something you want to do or talk about since you are done working?

 

Having said that, this is who he is and this anxious behavior won't change. So do you have to patience to carry on with him like that forever? I mean you will always have to handle it and pacify him like a child.

[MissAndromeda]

He may have some issues and does indeed need help with them, but just because he cries doesn't make him immature. Grown ass people cry all the time.

[Hollyj]

Crying? He starts crying? What an immature person he is. How old is this guy? He sounds like he's got issues and could possibly use some help defining and resolving them. I could not and would not put up with someone so neurotic.

 

This^^^^^

 

He sounds so needy and insecure. I don't know how you can take it!!!

[Hollyj]

"My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 3 years now. I am 20 and he is 19. We are both very mature for our age as well, so that is not an issue. Throughout the entire time that we've been dating, there has been a recurring issue. He gets upset every single time a guy hits on me or tries to talk to me, the main source of this being Facebook. Nearly every time I have updated my profile picture, it has been an ordeal with my boyfriend because guys will comment. I absolutely do not post promiscuous or provocative photos, so that is not an issue. I keep telling him that no matter what kind of photo I put as my profile picture, guys are going to comment and I have proven this point to him already by putting it to the test. Here is the thing though: every time a guy even comments, I make it known that hitting on me while I have a boyfriend is disrespectful and unacceptable and delete their comments and block them. Yet he still gets upset over it. I have made it abundantly clear thousands of times that he is the only one I ever want and have tried to reassure him on countless occasions that they don't matter, that no other guy matters but him, and that he's choosing to allow it to bother him and be an issue, when they are simply unimportant and insignificant to our relationship. He claims to hate Facebook with a burning passion, yet it seems to be me that truly hates it. I hardly ever get on it and hardly ever even post anything, except for the occasional profile picture update. I have deactivated my account several times, only to return because he was still on there. I have suggested the idea that we both eliminate Facebook if it is such a big issue because it is simply just not that important to me, but he will never agree. He always comes up with an excuse, saying that it's his primary source of getting in contact with people. Even though I have told him before that if he must, messenger can be used without having an active profile. I just don't understand and it may seem like a superficial issue when Facebook is involved, but it is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. I have done my best to reassure him and get him to realize how much I love him and how much he is the only one for me, but when he continues to bring this up over and over again, it makes me feel like nothing I've said or can say will even matter. It makes me feel like I should feel guilty, when I'm not and guys hitting on me isn't even my fault. It feels like he's brought it up for the billionth time and I'm just so tired of having the same conversation over and over again, when it doesn't even have to be an issue. It's killing me. Please help me. I am nearing my wits end. I need advice, any kind of input, anything. Thank you."

 

Another example of his overblown insecurities.

[Hollyj]

"My now ex-boyfriend is a very insecure person. Probably one of the most insecure I've ever met in my life honestly. Throughout the entire duration of our relationship, he constantly thought that he wasn't good enough for me, despite all of my efforts to tell him he was and that I chose to be with him for a reason. His insecurities weren't without reason, however. Pretty much his entire life he's been belittled by others and was even abused as a child and has had several instances of being cheated on in the past. It took me a while to gain his trust, but I eventually did. He was always very protective of me and still is, even after the split. He's the type of guy that, deep down, he really doesn't want anyone else to have me. Our relationship is the longest he and I have both ever had, which was nearly a year and a half. We are both each other's first real loves. He had even bought me a promise ring and everything and finally told me that he wanted to marry me one day and that I was the only one he ever wanted to be with. Which I honestly do believe, since he has never lied to me. Not even now. Just a few weeks ago, he told me that he wanted to take a break. I was devastated. He told me that the reason why he wanted a break was because his life is in utter chaos and needed time to sort it out, because he couldn't handle bringing me down with him while his life is falling apart. And I do admit, his life is hell right now. He also told me that he still feels like he isn't good enough for me, that he is a constant disappointment to me, that he doesn't truly make me happy, and that someone else out there could offer me more and that I'd be better off without him in the long run because he's just dragging me down."

 

Nothing is ever going to change, unless this guy gets some counseling for his issues. If he doesn't do something, then the behavior will continue.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. You two never developed a mature way to interact. He's too immature for you.

So he's 19 and you've been in a RL for three years, which would mean that he began a RL with you when he was 16? Wow.

[MissAndromeda]

Him assuming that something is wrong and then pressuring you for response is....annoying.... However, when you tell him that it's nothing, it's ineffective communication to someone like him who is anxious. Instead of telling him it's nothing and then moving away, which will get interpreted as "see it is something and she just won't talk to me and now I'm really anxious and worried", try a different approach. Ask him why he thinks something is wrong or what is it that you are doing that makes him think something is wrong. In short, engage him in a conversation instead of pushing it away and make him put his anxiety into words and rationalize it. It will help you clear up faster that nothing is wrong.

 

For example, he tells you he thinks something is wrong because you were on your phone and not talking to him. Your response, I see how you can think that. Well, I was simply working on my phone because I saw you were busy on the computer, so I didn't want to interrupt what you were doing. So we are fine and nothing is wrong. Is there something you want to do or talk about since you are done working?

 

Having said that, this is who he is and this anxious behavior won't change. So do you have to patience to carry on with him like that forever? I mean you will always have to handle it and pacify him like a child.

 

Thank you for this. I will try this next time and see how it works out. Your response was very helpful. 😌

[Hollyj]

No Offense OP, but I don't think you are looking at the big picture. The guy has issues that have not been dealt with.

[gianno]

Crying? He starts crying? What an immature person he is. How old is this guy? He sounds like he's got issues and could possibly use some help defining and resolving them. I could not and would not put up with someone so neurotic.

 

Crying should not be the focus here, crying is normal and should not be shunned (you probably are extra hard on him because he is a guy) his insecurity is the problem

[indea08]

I agree 100% with DancingFool. Sometimes my husband will be in a mood and can be very standoff-ish. I ask him what's wrong and his response is a short "nothing." He's usually a very goofy, loving guy, so it's OBVIOUS that somethings on his mind. He must think he hides it well, who knows.

 

It used to bother me, because I always wondered if it was something I did. And it also annoyed me because I wished he'd just make it easier for me and tell me what was on his mind so I could either talk with him about it, try to help, or empathize. But no, he left me wondering. I would've appreciated a simple "I'm good babe, just had a crappy day at work." Would've made many of my nights much less stressful. Also, it feels good to make your partner feel better when they're down.

 

I eventually adopted an attitude where if he wasn't going to openly share what was bothering him, then it was his issue to deal with alone. For now, just tell your boyfriend whatever is on your mind when he asks what's wrong. And eventually, hopefully you guys will get to a place where you are more secure as a couple.

[katrina1980]

 

But no matter how many times I say that, he doesn't seem to understand it. So he ended up getting frustrated and scared of losing me and began crying, so I felt bad. I could probably be more understanding, but I just don't know how when I've dealt with this for so long and my patience is running thinner. I am a very patient person, especially with him, so that is saying a lot. I really don't feel like I'm asking for much. I don't ask for much to begin with, considering that I am not a demanding or controlling person at all. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice or words would be welcome and very much appreciated. Thank you.

 

First off, NO you couldn't be more understanding, your being patient and understanding is how you got yourself into this mess of a RL.

 

Secondly, how long have you actually been dealing with this manipulative bull crap?

 

I mean seriously, to say the guy's got MAJOR issues is a big understatement; I actually wouldn't even know where to begin in describing how manipulative, controlling, and just flat out dysfunctional he is.

 

Nevermind the crying, which he does for one reason and one reason only. To evoke your pity so you will stop being mad and possibly leave him. MANIPULATION in the first degree.

 

As for the rest of it, he is insecure, needy, and controlling (and yes HE is the one who tries to control you (your emotional responses) by twisting facts, rewriting history, not to mention emotional blackmail by playing the victim and guilt-tripping.)

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but this type of manipulative crap really irks me.

 

And it should NOT be tolerated for one second.

 

HE is definitely not gonna change, so unless you eventually want to lose your sanity (which you will eventually), please re-think this RL and consider moving on, and find a guy who isn't such a mess.

 

Best of luck. )

[katrina1980]

I agree 100% with DancingFool. Sometimes my husband will be in a mood and can be very standoff-ish. I ask him what's wrong and his response is a short "nothing." He's usually a very goofy, loving guy, so it's OBVIOUS that somethings on his mind. He must think he hides it well, who knows.

 

It used to bother me, because I always wondered if it was something I did. And it also annoyed me because I wished he'd just make it easier for me and tell me what was on his mind so I could either talk with him about it, try to help, or empathize. But no, he left me wondering. I would've appreciated a simple "I'm good babe, just had a crappy day at work." Would've made many of my nights much less stressful. Also, it feels good to make your partner feel better when they're down.

 

I eventually adopted an attitude where if he wasn't going to openly share what was bothering him, then it was his issue to deal with alone. For now, just tell your boyfriend whatever is on your mind when he asks what's wrong. And eventually, hopefully you guys will get to a place where you are more secure as a couple.

 

This sounds really nice indea08, but wow if it were only that simple.

 

Have you read her original post? It's nothing like what you experience with your husband. Not even close. In fact, your husband sounds quite normal, we all get into moods and can be standoffish at times, become a bit withdrawn, wanting to keep things inside, to ourselves, to be addressed later. Perfectly normal imho I experience the same myself and so have all of my bfs.

 

The OP's boyfriend's behavior goes way WAY beyond that.

 

This is not about a "mood" OP's guy is in. His behavior goes to his character, his overall nature, and how he views this RL and the OP.

 

Not very highly apparently, it is all about HIM and HIS needs, he doesn't seem to give one iota about how the OP feels or her needs..... obviously!

 

Read her original post again for clarification, because tbh I haven't read about a RL quite so dysfunctional in long time.

 

The dysfunction is mostly on him, the only thing the OP is guilty of is tolerating it this long, and staying.

 

Apologies OP, I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I have been through something very similar (minus the crying).

 

It nearly destroyed me in the end.

 

I am out now though and have moved on and doing great.

 

I wish the same for you!

[Mari]

For example, last night when I got to his house, he started working on his computer and I started working on my phone and we were both preoccupied, so we didn't say much and he ended up asking me "What's wrong?" to which I told him "Nothing," and he continued to pressure me about it afterwards, even though I had already told him the truth. He automatically assumed that something was wrong, even though there wasn't and I told him that there wasn't. So I started to get irritated when he kept pressuring me about it and started to get up to move to the bed because the chair I was in was uncomfortable and he told me "You never listen to me, you never want to listen to me anymore," and I got upset because that isn't the case and he knows better. It ended up escalating and I wasn't in the right mindset to deal with it and told him I needed some space to cool down for a little while. He kept telling me "I'm just trying to talk to you," and kept pressuring me to talk and I'm the type of person that I legitimately can't talk sometimes when I'm upset.

 

Couples form a pattern when they're together and the pattern that you two are forming is one where trust is getting lost. You can't talk when you're upset and he resolves issues by talking which creates this pattern between you to:

1) He asks first, nothing is wrong and you are honest in saying nothing.

2) He asks again, you are visibly upset that he's asking again, you say nothing again, but this time it's a lie.

3) He asks again more frustrated and upset, you both are obviously upset so there's something wrong. You can't talk and he escalates because he can't take it that you can't tell him what it is.

 

If you cannot talk when upset then there is no way for him to differentiate between you just sitting on your phone or sitting on your phone upset. You have to be brutally honest next time. When he asks say nothing first and ask what made him think that, then if he asks again, say the problem is that he's asking twice. If he asks a third time say there was nothing wrong before but now there is, you're being asked the same question three times and it's bothering you. This should make things better between you two. If he was here I would tell him that he should always just ask once and if the answer was nothing is wrong then act as if nothing is wrong. Good luck.

[Mari]

This sounds really nice indea08, but wow if it were only that simple.

 

Have you read her original post? It's nothing like what you experience with your husband. Not even close. In fact, your husband sounds quite normal, we all get into moods and can be standoffish at times, become a bit withdrawn, wanting to keep things inside, to ourselves, to be addressed later. Perfectly normal imho I experience the same myself and so have all of my bfs.

 

The OP's boyfriend's behavior goes way WAY beyond that.

 

This is not about a "mood" OP's guy is in. His behavior goes to his character, his overall nature, and how he views this RL and the OP.

 

Not very highly apparently, it is all about HIM and HIS needs, he doesn't seem to give one iota about how the OP feels or her needs..... obviously!

 

Read her original post again for clarification, because tbh I haven't read about a RL quite so dysfunctional in long time.

 

The dysfunction is mostly on him, the only thing the OP is guilty of is tolerating it this long, and staying.

 

Apologies OP, I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I have been through something very similar (minus the crying).

 

It nearly destroyed me in the end.

 

I am out now though and have moved on and doing great.

 

I wish the same for you!

 

This isn't true in her case Katrina, he does care. If he didn't care he wouldn't ask and she may have been a "Call of Duty" widow. If anything he cares a little to much and needs to let people not share sometimes. Also I disagree that they're dysfunctional, I think they just need to fix a communication problem. Sorry for what happened to you though.

[katrina1980]

This isn't true in her case Katrina, he does care. If he didn't care he wouldn't ask and she may have been a "Call of Duty" widow. If anything he cares a little to much and needs to let people not share sometimes. Also I disagree that they're dysfunctional, I think they just need to fix a communication problem. Sorry for what happened to you though.

 

You could be right, or not.

 

While I do see some similarities in behavior (the unfounded accusations and assumptions) I think my responses yesterday were a bit over-the-top anyway and for that I apologize.

 

It is a very sensitive topic for me and I admit I may have been projecting a bit.

 

That said, after 5.5 years together, my RL became this way (the way the OP's bf is behaving), and my bf eventually became emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative.

 

And yeah he "cared" too... claimed to love me a lot too! Too much he said!

 

In retrospect, I don't think so!

 

However, it all started when he got involved with drugs so that may have had something to do with it.

 

Thank you for what you said at the end (about being sorry I went through that.)

 

Much appreciated.

[katrina1980]

 

If you cannot talk when upset then there is no way for him to differentiate between you just sitting on your phone or sitting on your phone upset. You have to be brutally honest next time. When he asks say nothing first and ask what made him think that, then if he asks again, say the problem is that he's asking twice. If he asks a third time say there was nothing wrong before but now there is, you're being asked the same question three times and it's bothering you. This should make things better between you two. If he was here I would tell him that he should always just ask once and if the answer was nothing is wrong then act as if nothing is wrong. Good luck.

 

I agree with this!

 

Also, IF, after you do what Mari suggested, he starts crying, don't indulge the crying, by feeling sorry for him or attempting to "make nice."

 

That will only encourage him to continue crying because he's getting the reaction he wants, your sympathy and pity.

 

Just let him cry and go into another room.

 

Remember we teach people how to treat us.

 

He needs to learn his behavior (the accusations, asking the same thing over and over ad nauseum, etc.) is not productive or acceptable to you.

 

Him crying (in response to your becoming irritated) is not productive or acceptable to you.

 

Stay strong!

[johnbutton]

Hey MissAandromeda, I tried to reply to your other thread but it was closed, so I'l reply to it on here. Seems to me like your stuck in a rut, from abusive home to abusive Aunt, thats all you seem to know? You want to get out of that vicious circle but because its all your used to then you don't know how to?

 

Well for one I think you should get a pen and paper and write down options that were given to you, seeing them written down makes them more real. Social Services for one is a very good one. You need to break this vicious circle, if you go back to your parents then it will be the same and the circle of abuse continues and your self esteem and confidance are kept down and before you know it ten years will have passed.

 

Seems like things wont change in them houses, you cant make them change or hope for better because that wont happen. Make your first goal to move out of that house, keep it to yourself as not to aggravate the situation. Once your out of there then you can concentrate on work or whatever you want to do and you will see that the world opens up for you once your free from that vicious circle.

 

It will be tough and a big step, be brave and I wish you the best.