7 months after my break up.

[MagnusDahn]

Hello, it's my first time posting here and I just need to get this off my chest.

 

It's been 7 months since my ex girlfriend left me, I was completely devastated back then and barred all contact. (She wanted to be friends, I didn't. That never works...) 3 months later I heard from a friend I was replaced and could barely believe it was happening. I am no fool, at that point I wanted to be as far away from her as I possibly could. All she can cause me now is more hurt, nothing more. Now I'm 7 months further and I'm better off than back then.

 

However I don't feel like I have healed that much in these months. My body seems to feel much better without that boulder on my chest, but my mind is still struggling. Whenever I am alone she is all I can think of, it's extremely upsetting. I have many regrets and wish things went a different way, but I have made my mistakes and now I'm paying a heavy price. Knowing that she's with someone else has made me extremely jealous. My blood starts boiling the moment I even think of her being with some other guy and I just feel extremely angry all the time.

 

At this point I still have question marks everywhere and I'm just not sure about what to do. I know she is never coming back to me, this is the reality I have to face. How much longer is my mind going to be agonizing over this? She was my first love and this had a massive impact on me. I used to be a loser with massive social anxiety, no friends, bullied, lonely, depressed etc. I never even thought anybody on this planet would be interested in me, so please try to see it from that perspective...

 

I still idealise her and I know I would take her back in an instant if I got the chance. I'm trying my best to be realistic and I just wanna know where I go from here. Will she fade? Will I ever be able to put somebody else above her? At this point that still seems impossible for me, as if nobody will ever compare. How do I move on from this??

 

Please help me and thank you for reading.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. you weren't "replaced" she started dating again. After 7 mos that's something you should consider as well.

 

Get on some dating apps and browse what's out there for you. Start simple asking women to meet for coffee, just to get your feet wet again.

 

Stop putting her on a pedestal. She's just a woman, not a goddess. Soon you'll meet someone much better for you. But it's your job to try.

 

What was the breakup about? How long were you together?

3 months later I heard from a friend I was replaced . I still idealise her and I know I would take her back in an instant if I got the chance.

[No1]

There is a lot going on in that mind of yours.

As Wiseman said.. you were not 'replaced'. People are not like a shirt that you replace. You just begin a whole new relationship and the only person holding you back from being happy is you.

 

You are carrying this guilt like its a cross for no reason what so ever. She has moved on with her life and you are still bearing all the guilt... my question is why? Its over. She has moved on and so should you. After 7 months, the reasons behind the break up no longer matter. It doesnt matter if you messed up or made mistakes. In fact we all make mistakes in relationships. What you are doing is waiting for that chance to correct those mistakes by reliving them in your head. Its the only thing that is keeping your hopes up. You are thinking if she comes back (which you secretly want) You can get rid of the guilt by correcting those mistakes with your X. The truth is that we correct mistakes by never making them again, but you do it with another new person in another, new relationship.

 

In order for us to move forward you have to put the past behind you. Every day you relive the mistakes you make and you constantly say you are sorry to your X and hoping she forgives you. She wanted to remain friends, which means she wants the best for you. That means you being happy even tho its not with her. She doesnt hate you or wishes you any ill will. She forgave you by wanting to remain friends. You two were just not meant to be together, thats all.

 

Sometimes we have to break things down to the simplest form and accept the "Now". You are currently single and the reason behind your break up no longer matters.

 

Shed the guilt.. you dont deserve it. She has moved on, so can you

[RayF]

I know how devastating a loss can be, I also know how much worse it can be when you have a low self worth.

 

I've had it all my life but in my late 20s to now I have built up a lot of self-esteem. But it's still never going to be easy for me, I'm tired of people trying to tell me it is easy because I'm a decent looking nice guy who is successful. It's so not. But the truth is between my selectiveness and more reserved personality Im never going to be the guy that pulls in a lot of girls. The difference is I've gotten better at reading signals and taking chances. I can make opportunities happen and take advantage of them but man are there a lot of busts in-betweem... dry spells, hopeless periods... or things that look promising only to completely drop off the radar and that drives you cray and can bring up feelings of inadequacy all over again... It's all part of the deal.

 

The reality is I'm too short. Or maybe I'm not short enough... or too thin, or not muscular enough or have brown hair, or too boring, or too intense or too this or too that. The point I'm trying to make is that none of it matters. Some girls will be into you, many will not be. Some will be REALLY into you and a small fraction of those girls you will be as into. A very small fraction. And even then it may not work.

 

There is no easy road or easy answer... the only thing you will ever have in your life is the ability to pick yourself up and make yourself better. Actually at the end of the day love comes and goes, always... the only thing you ever have in this world is yourself so you have to learn to live with that guy as best as you can.

 

You had enough good qualities to make one person love you, maybe your own self hated made them fall out of love with you. I'm only speaking from experience, it's hard to be around someone who harbors darkness. I've pushed girls away, I've had girls who love me leave because thy could not deal with my complexity... This just happened to me... I could let that hate myself more but I've chosen to look at my positive qualities... a young girl with her life not together at all, chose to reject an older well put together and respected, very successful guy in her field who was loyal to her, loved her, supported her and had an amazing connection with her mentally and physically. She wanted to throw that away because she thinks there can be someone out there a bit more relaxed than I am... let her find that out the hard way. That's just my story I'm sure if you think hard you can see and respect yourself for the things your girl walked way from that is her loss.

 

And it's not her loss, I learned as well... this girl taught me I need to be a little more open, and I will be. But the issue she had with me another girl might not have at all.

 

Confidence comes from within, it's hard. It's damn hard and it might be harder for you than some other guys but that's just the way it is. You can control a lot of things but you can't control everything.

 

Another girl will mean as much to you as she did. Only this girl struck me like my first love, not the girl I spent five years with and ended up leaving in-betweeen them. In fact it took ten years to meet that other girl and she left me too. But what can I do? There may be another girl like that. I hope so but if there is not, I can't change the fact that she left me and you can't change that fact either.

 

Know yourself, know what you want in a person... look for her but keep an open mind.

 

What are your main issues? Social issues? Super hard I know... do something low key, like volunteer work. do NOT go clubbing by yourself... that will make you feel more like crap. You need to put yourselves in comfortable situations that makes it easier to be around people. You can't stay at home anymore I'm sorry... the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

 

My comfort zone involves a lot of childhood things I never got out of, and that keeps me from being social. It also relaxes me but it's a slippery slope so I indulge in them as a reward for challenging myself go out now and meet new people. Both give me nourishment and one is a lot harder to do.

 

What else bothers you about you? Is it your looks? You can improve your looks a lot. Clothes are the easiest thing. If you don't know how to dress people can help you. I can help you actually, I work in fashion I can tell you five things to buy at a store for under 200 dollars total which will give you all you need to get by.

 

Is it your weight? What motivates you? Getting another girl? Is that enough to get you in the gym or to cut down on your portions? Bad skin? Theres a way to fix that... Hair loss? You can fix that or go Jason Statham...

 

Mayne none of those thing are an issue, my point is you can control A LOT.

 

I was a nice guy, people liked me at school but no girl ever liked me because I was overweight... It killed me in Jr high school... in high school I got my act together but the years of being scarred meant that even though I looked better and some girls liked me I had no confidence. So it took my 20s to build that up.

 

Today I can meet and talk to girls, get numbers or carry on a conversation, ask them out.. Many of those girls are not interested, as you do it more you learn to read the signs better so you minimize your risk of rejection. But A LOT of those girls don't call you back.. and even if they are into you, if you focus ONLY on them they loose interest fast. Women want what they can not have. Its hard but you need to maintain some control and the control comes from self-respect.

 

Don't call yourself a loser... be a winner... Don't loose to this girl, no matter how much you loved her you loved her more than you love yourself and that's the biggest issue I see here.

 

Will you miss her, yes, maybe for years and in some way always as she was your first love. And your first love will manifest itself subconsciously in other girls or situations, this pain you feel will always be familiar. Scars never go away but they do make you tougher.

 

One last thing I'll leave you with... This may be hard to understand, and it's still hard for me to deal with but I've learned it. It's way easier to live with someone else rejecting you than you rejecting yourself. And know you will be rejected A LOT. The guys with the highest home run records are also the guys with the highest strike-outs.

 

I don't need to have the highest home run record and I don't need to swing the bat so much. But I still need to swing that bat and so do you.

 

I hope some of this helps... I have more sympathy than you know.

[RayF]

I've been thinking about this more and I spoke a bit above it but I want to talk about first love a bit more.

 

In my heart of hearts, there will always be a deep sensitive spot for my first love. Those memories are filled with a pure, non-polluted kind of love and many "firsts". Like you she was my first everything, kiss, sex, girlfriend... She might also be the most attractive girl I've ever been with to this day.

 

But fast-forward 12 years later and the woman that exists now I feel nothing for. The woman I dated when I was 19 I still feel for. She's married now with a kid, I don't think about her at all. And when I dream about her, and God I still do... its almost always 100% to do with some situation or relationship in my current life.

 

Because people go on and change, they change together in some cases and once a relationship ands they change apart. But what you shared is still a part of you and that is a part of you forever, in that place and time. Which is now past. That woman is gone and that man you were in that moment is gone also.

 

I loved the first girl so deeply, you can go back and find my old posts from ten years ago here lol. I wanted only her and in that moment even though it was all I knew i would have married her and stayed with her forever. She left me because of my dark tendencies and the pressure I put on our relationship. And because we were very, very yong.

 

Since that girl, I fell in love with two people. Dated a handful more and many many many many one or two date things that amounted to nothing.

 

The first girl that ever really struck my chord was nothing like my first love. But she was a lovely wonderful person. I had a way better physical connection with her, sex with my ex was never good it always hurt her. She was also more pursuing of me when I did all of the pursuing go my ex... She was not what my ex was to me but she was wonderful and there was a time I wanted her more than anything. That moment passed. I learned more about myself and what I wanted and she pushed marriage and kids. I ended it until I had no choice but not to evade it anymore and I had to let her go. What I was really afraid of as to be alone again, ingle, having to meet girls, get rejected... loneliness... no "guarantee"

 

It screwed me up for years after, thinking that I'm just not made for marriage and kids ever.

 

A few years later I met my most recent ex. I was immediately taken by how open and full of hope she was, no the typical hard edged and beaten down woman from New York city. 9 years younger, fresh from France. Open and even though I didn't look at her too much at first, when we spoke there were sparks like nothing I've ever had. And it just soared from there... I fell in love with her harder than I ever had anyone. All those fears about am I a marriage guy all fell apart. I wanted her as bad as I wanted my first love. Nothing was as good as it was with her, I felt like I never really made love to anyone before her... our mental connection was supernatural... it was so deep it was scary...

 

 

And then she left me. And I'm reeling in pain all over again but I'm saying it from all of the perspective I shared with you here. And its a difference trust me.

 

Will I be over her soon? Hell no... Do i hope and pray she calls me back and wants me back? Hell yes.

 

But the reality this is very young girl... and the lessons I learned she needs to learn to fully appreciate like I did what a rare thing we had.

 

I can't change this and I hope to hell the next love like that does not take another 10 years.

 

The pain is so bad some days but all I can do is push forward.

 

I hope this helps...

[MagnusDahn]

Thank you all for responding, I appreciate every word. I guess it would help to explain what happened. Me and her were together for about 1 year.

 

I was having a hard time in college and things were just not going well, I got kicked from my traineeship for the second time. This was extremely discouraging, because I was trying the best I could at the time and it just didn't work out. I was very discouraged and fell into this negative spiral of depression and self-loathing. My ex tried her best to cheer me up every single day after that, but I was not open-minded to any of it. Eventually she got tired of it and left me simply put. Which I understand is 100% deserved... my negativity runs deep and I was very deep in it back then.

 

It was a comfortable relationship from start to end. We never fought or had any kind of discussion about something being done wrong. I don't think I could have asked for anything better at the time, the dark clouds, rain and fog around me just made it very hard to see that. I was very foolish and I have realised that a while ago.

 

I have sought help afterwards and I'm much better now, but she keeps returning. She's clear as day in my head, my mind still thinks of situations where things come around. I don't know why it does that, but I guess to compensate for the heavy weight on the other end of the scale.

 

Fast-forward one year later where I am now. I dropped the study I was doing to become a social worker, because I accepted that it's just not my thing. I had a third attempt at it with my trainee-ship, but that one didn't last either. I don't even care about it anymore, it's more of a relief than anything. I have learned a lot the past few years and I'm just trying to improve myself.

 

I see a lot of wonderful women going about outside, but I'm just not sure I can handle a relationship. I am afraid something will go wrong and I'll hurt the other person. Hurting a person is the last thing I want to do unintentionally. And on the side my ex keeps popping up in my head so that makes it even harder to cross that line. Don't get me wrong, after my ex I'm not as desperate as I used to be. I'm interested, I'm just not sure if I will make it past the infatuation.

 

Alas, these thoughts remain and the regrets/guilt devour me from time to time. I blame myself often for what happened.

[RayF]

Well my friend what you say rings true to my last experience but I have to tell you something you can't beat yourself up.

 

Even after the years of working on myself I find myself in a similar situation...

 

This past year I was promoted and had the boss from hell. I've always been great at what I did and this woman just destroyed every bit of confidence I had and bullied me on a daily basis. My ex who worked with me, so she was there saw it all happen. She had to quit for the both of us and had just moved in with me, was waiting on another job to come in all her friends left and she had nothing to do all day, every day when I came hope she spring to life ran up to kiss me and I was miserable there were days I was so down I wouldn't even talk to her.

 

She tried to cheer me up every day until one day she said she had enough and proceeded to list all the things she hated about my personality. Of course i tried to convince her I'd change. And I did... when she didn't get her visa and had to go back to France she swore up and down she was in this with Me and I convinced her I was doing everything right.

 

But it didn't last the distance made her focus on that feeling of uncertainty. She lost her attraction to me and it became too "real life" for her.

 

Back in school in France she was in another phase in her life.

 

While the damage was done with my negativity I don't beat myself up. I can't , many people told me she should have been more supportive.

 

I would do things differently next time but I'm also human and I'm allowed to not be strong all the time.

 

The right girl will stick around. At least that's what's I keep telling myself because I have to.

[MagnusDahn]

Sadly beating myself up is what I do best. I punish and finish myself off, because I'm not convinced I will ever learn my lesson if I don't. It's a bad habit and I have trouble forgiving myself for what I did. Whenever I think of the things I have said or done to somebody I love. I know I have a side that's no saint, but a merciless sinner.

[RayF]

Definitely not a sinner man... someone who loves you will stick by you and accept you no matter what. You have remorse and you feel... and you make mistakes and learn from them. You are human... she wasn't strong enough for you one day you will be stronger and the right woman will be strong enough for you.

[force]

Kudos to you for not being friends with her! It's hard but if you would've stayed friends with her she would never want to get back because you're still in her life so she knows she can have you anytime she wants. NC is the best thing you can do to give you the best possible chance to get her back. I know its hard though not talking to her and you do think that if you could just be her friend well at least you'd still have her in your life but man I'm telling you there's nothing worse then having her as just a friend and then watching your "friend" start dating someone else. When that inevitably happens you'll have wished you would've went NC right off the bat. Just know you are doing the best thing to either get her back or find someone better!

 

I know in the past when I thought "no, there is no one out there better! It won't happen! Guess what someone better came along and now I say "no there is not one better than this one! HAHA Geez. Guess what there is always someone better. All this I'm saying is not theory its experiences! Truth!

[No1]

mag... you are not perfect, and here is a tip.. she is not perfect either. Both of you will make mistakes along the way. How can you discover new lands if you are too afraid to lose sight of the shore? In your case you are afraid to even leave the dock. Being in a relationship should be exciting.. wonderful.. discover something new about that person every day. How can that be done if you are just too afraid? Relationships can be scary. I get that.. you want to be that perfect guy, but its not about being perfect, its about being perfect for the one you are with.

 

We all have flaws, you have them, the next girl you meet will have them and your X has them. Its those flaws and those characteristics that makes us who we are. It what we adore and grow to love. I remember a story that someone told me long ago. About this lady who complained for 50yrs that her husband always snored. He snored every night and sometimes it kept her up. Once he died, she couldnt sleep because there was no snoring. It was too quiet. Sometimes those things that we complain about are the same things that helps us adore our partners even more. Any girl you meet will have flaws, so will you, but the question is.. are you perfect for one another? Can you find someone who accepts you for who you are, mistakes and all and can you accept a girl for all of her little flaws? Thats the thing about dating.. finding that one girl that accepts you, and you accept her.

 

If you are too afraid to do that then who is the only person that is restricting your happiness? Dont blame it on your X, or your break up, or how you made mistakes. Blame it on you. You are the anchor to your happiness... are you going to cut it and discover new lands, or are you going to sit on the dock and cry about it?

[shiner501]

Magnus, get this woman off of that pedestal you have her on inside your mind. She was a woman. One woman. There are many, many more that will love you for who you are.

 

Don't beat yourself up in how you feel though. No one is suggesting that healing after a breakup with someone who you loved is easy. It is hard. VERY hard. I still miss my ex who I have been away from for nine months now. I think about her a lot. Sounds like the same as you. But I have taken my ex off of that pedestal and see her for what she is, a woman WHO IS NOT RIGHT FOR ME. That's what you need to think - she was not right for you. You are looking at the past through rose-tinted glasses. We all do this. But try to look to the future and see yourself with someone who will love you for YOU, not someone who just crumbled.

 

Start to work towards that goal. One step at a time.

[MagnusDahn]

Thank you all for your kind words.

 

I do have her on a pedestal. I'm no girl magnet so she is the only experience I had. We had a lot in common and shared a lot of similar interests and experiences and I'm just afraid I won't be able to find that in somebody else. I guess a dating app would be great, but right now I'm not that desperate to find someone. And I think I would rather walk up to someone in person and have a simple chat. I have no trouble asking people things, but It doesn't have to be anything special. However I do think it would be nice to just have them simply as friends and nothing more for some time. But I figure this is hard if you don't regularly see people.

 

Again thanks for all the kind words.