How to get back together the right way

[Mel30]

Hi, I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. I have some serious trust issues, seriously bad previous relationship and I have very little self esteem.

These things combined have led to me questioning my partners intentions to the point that he doesn't know if he wants to stay with me. I have started seeing a therapist to work through my issues but my partner still says he needs space, three months to be exact. He still wants to see me and talk to me during this time but we won't be living together. This situation is making my old fears very real and i'm not handling it very well. Any advice?

[gebaird]

I've experienced paralyzing anxiety at times when faced with the prospect of losing a partner. The most common outcome is that I DO end up losing them, not for any external reason but specifically because of my insecurities. Having lived through this a few times, I've realized there is life after loss and fear is only an illusion.

 

Keep working through your issues -- the things that created this outcome. Perhaps your relationship can be saved, and perhaps it can't, but either way, YOU can heal and avoid going down this path again.

[Mel30]

Thank you for responding and understanding! I really want to work through the issues and to fix the relationship too. I hate feeling so insecure. Naturally I am the most relaxed person in the world but past experiences have taught me to not believe in anyone. I hate that.

[Wiseman2]

Who moved out? Is it temporary or is the move permanent? Work on your healing, not being strung along in limbo for "three months to be exact".

 

Going to a therapist to fix yourself is great but do it for yourself, not this situation.

 

How did these trust issues manifest and what was the breakup about?

He still wants to see me and talk to me during this time but we won't be living together. This situation is making my old fears very real and i'm not handling it very well. Any advice?

[Mel30]

He moved out. At the moment I don't know if it's permanent or temporary, I don't think he knows either. The trustory issues came up when I started to get comfortable with him and I fell more in love with him and I started to think that I wasn't good enough for him as I thought so highly of him. I started off telling him that I didn't feel good enough for him and asking if he was getting bored of me. He reassured me for a while but my fears got worse and I questioned him on everything. It started to cause arguments and he got sick of reassuring me all the time. Even as I write this it becomes clearer and clearer how much I drove him away. I just don't know how to stop thinking that way and just enjoy the relationship. Even now while we're having time apart I can't see the posipositive possibilities. We spent some nice time together over the weekend and I am still questioning him on if it means we can sort it out.

[Wiseman2]

There is no way to heal if you are now fwb. You need to give him the "space" he wanted as well as go no contact for your own sake. Have you considered the relationship just wasn't working and it's not all your fault because he indicates it is?

 

He broke up, moved out that's pretty much a sign it's over. Where did he move to? Was he on the lease? Can you afford the place on your own? Are all his things gone?

He moved out. At the moment I don't know if it's permanent or temporary, I don't think he knows either. We spent some nice time together over the weekend and I am still questioning him on if it means we can sort it out.

[Mel30]

He's staying with his parents. He took all his things. He is saying that it's not over, he just needs some space and to see that I am not going to question him anymore. But this situation has raised more questions for me unfortunately. We have almost broken up over this before. I do think it is the way I acted that has done this.

[Ms Darcy]

In my experience, he's transitioning to a breakup.