Is it petty or red flags?

[SoulTaker]

Yes I never actually caught him or proved cheating but this was a major red flag. I give him the benefit of the doubt since theres no proof but things just dont add up and my gut tells me this based on his secretive behavior with the phone and facebook..

 

He never accuses me of cheating so thats odd too. He never even gets jealous.

 

Do you really need to see a duck swimming in water, in order to know that it's a duck! Your logic makes no sense. This is all about "trust". If he's doing things that cause you to be uncomfortable, and he knows it, then you need to move on.

[Wiseman2]

Because you take him back and give him sex. You get out of your parent's house and get to stay at his place, he buys you stuff takes you out, etc. If you were dating someone else this wouldn't keep repeating because you wouldn't be bored at home, running when he snaps his fingers and mentions some nice dates .

he comes back so idk why men even do this.

[reinventmyself]

You wonder why he does what he does as if you have no say so in this.

It doesn't matter what he wants or why he does it

The only thing that should matter here is you taking the information that's in front of you and taking responsibility for your happiness.

[notalady]

I ask 100 questions and he gets annoyed. So why would any guy want that drama.

 

Why do you bother with playing this game? Why don't you make the decision to leave for yourself instead of waiting for him to decide?

[mandeelove]

I understand that about leaving him and staying gone. I decide that ending.. I get that. I am just saying that why would any man come back to a girl who already is making his life unpleasant because I do not trust him. And to the above person who commented.. @ wiseman...we fight alot nowadays. There is not even sex or fun dates happening so thats not even something he comes back for. Im sure he can get that anywhere if hes cheating or lying anyway right?. If we even do go out ,he pays for everything. I think i spent 3 dollars in 8 months so to be honest , hes not getting much from me .

[DancingFool]

I understand that about leaving him and staying gone. I decide that ending.. I get that. I am just saying that why would any man come back to a girl who already is making his life unpleasant because I do not trust him. And to the above person who commented.. @ wiseman...we fight alot nowadays. There is not even sex or fun dates happening so thats not even something he comes back for. Im sure he can get that anywhere if hes cheating or lying anyway right?. If we even do go out ,he pays for everything. I think i spent 3 dollars in 8 months so to be honest , hes not getting much from me .

 

Sometimes it is about games, drama, the thrill of lying, the thrill of cheating, the thrill of yanking your chain and even the fact that after you leave him he can talk you into taking him back. That last part especially is one heck of power and ego trip. The whole point for someone like him isn't being "free to run around and do whatever" it's specifically about the thrill of sneaking around and feeling like he is getting away with something and having one over you. It doesn't matter that you are mad, nagging, ect - for as long as you don't leave him and dump him for good and refuse to take him back, he is winning and you are a loser in his little private game.

[lostandhurt]

Yes he is getting something from you or he wouldn't come back. He thinks if he works you long enough you will have sex with him in a weak moment.

 

He doesn't come back because he loves you, he comes back because history has shown him that eventually you will let him back into your bed.

 

Remember anyone can come back but that doesn't mean you have to accept them into your life. You have total control over this whole thing so tell him to NEVER contact you again.

 

Lost

[katrina1980]

I never understood why guys dont just leave a girl so they can play around. I dont force him to stay or beg him... and Im nagging to be around now because at this point Im on to him and he knows it. I ask 100 questions and he gets annoyed. So why would any guy want that drama. I have left him which should be a relief for him if hes a liar, but no, he comes back so idk why men even do this. I have known liars in my past and they opt out the minute I am catching on.

 

Because HE gets off on the drama and chaos.

 

He needs it like he needs air to breathe. Sort of like an addiction.

 

If it's lacking, he will get bored, feel meh, and do whatever it takes to create it, and get YOU crazy and psycho in the process.

 

It excites him ... gets his adrenaline racing. Emotionally stimulates him.

 

He actually gets off on you nagging, because getting you crazy gives him a sense of control and dominance. And again he gets off on all the drama and chaos.

 

He doesn't care about you at all, but he needs you to feed his need for drama and chaos... which you provide in abundance every time you nag, and act crazy, cause drama.

 

At most, he is co-dependent, as you are also. That's not love, not even lIke.

 

Pls do yourself a favor and leave this bozo!

 

If it makes you feel better, there are a lot of people like this, men and women. I have known a few and gotten involved with a few. A couple of men even admitted it to me!

 

Anyway, I have since learned my lesson and avoid.

[rayfutz]

 

Y come back to be like this when he can just be single living his life ?

 

Cause in his mind, he already is single. You are only a loss to him if you find out what hes clearly trying to hide from you, and walk. Right now, that you have not made that a problem for him so business as usual. And you will probably only start to find out if you somehow get past his flames and arrows protecting his phone and social media. At the end of the day, if he has nothing to hide, he shouldnt be acting this way. Especially you leaving and coming back cause of his extra sweetness. He know knows how hard he has to try to conceal things, cause the girl will come back. He can give excuses all day, but his actions are extremily defensive of social media, messaging, phone calls, dating apps, whatever else is on his phone.

[rayfutz]

I never understood why guys dont just leave a girl so they can play around. I dont force him to stay or beg him... and Im nagging to be around now because at this point Im on to him and he knows it. I ask 100 questions and he gets annoyed. So why would any guy want that drama. I have left him which should be a relief for him if hes a liar, but no, he comes back so idk why men even do this. I have known liars in my past and they opt out the minute I am catching on.

 

why dont YOU leave HIM and stop feeding his ego. He is getting away with crap that should not be tolerated, but here you are, back with him. I bet he feels great and powerful to have a woman follow him like a puppydog. I dont mean to be harsh, but its the truth. Yeah, you might be catching on, he knows it, but where has it gotten you? You. Where has it gotten you, cause its getting him what he wants and he has shown you he will continue to and you are one to be walked on. You might leave, but you will come back cause though it gets to you, its obviously not that bad. Whether that is what you really think or not, you are showing him what he is up to and his secrecy is not a big enough deal to NOT be with him. You are right now, with him, setting the standard for trust. Put your foot down.

 

Look, set him straight. Call him out on his bullcrap and dont let him sweet talk you into accepting his bad behavior. You are worth more than that. And if he doesnt want to change, then you know what hes about and his respect for you. Let some other more naive woman handle that crap and be his drama ego boosting toy.

[mandeelove]

why dont YOU leave HIM and stop feeding his ego. He is getting away with crap that should not be tolerated, but here you are, back with him. I bet he feels great and powerful to have a woman follow him like a puppydog. I dont mean to be harsh, but its the truth. Yeah, you might be catching on, he knows it, but where has it gotten you? You. Where has it gotten you, cause its getting him what he wants and he has shown you he will continue to and you are one to be walked on. You might leave, but you will come back cause though it gets to you, its obviously not that bad. Whether that is what you really think or not, you are showing him what he is up to and his secrecy is not a big enough deal to NOT be with him. You are right now, with him, setting the standard for trust. Put your foot down.

 

Look, set him straight. Call him out on his bullcrap and dont let him sweet talk you into accepting his bad behavior. You are worth more than that. And if he doesnt want to change, then you know what hes about and his respect for you. Let some other more naive woman handle that crap and be his drama ego boosting toy.

Yes true! Very true. I set the tone for disrespect. You are not being harsh because I have got myself into a bad cycle for sure and I know that. I walked out of his house on Sunday and he tried me by Monday saying he wants to see me after we ALREADY had an adult talk that this is not working and we are not on same page. He actually agreed saying hes not happy either so we split, but in less than 24 hrs he texted me. Saying he wants to come see me.

 

Clearly there is nothing to wonder here because in 8 months he has protected his phone and not let me even be on fb. But what if this guy says I will put u on my FB and be more open with my phone?. If a guy changes in that way is it worth something or should I just stay away and not even bother doing the ultimatum? . (FB, open phone , or lose me) Too much damage done ?

 

I dont want to sound stupid, Im just trying to get an opinion on if he says "I'll put u on my facebook", etc. This question is for anyone. Btw I didnt answer his text .

[Wiseman2]

Because you gave him sex, he can overlook any headaches. And you go back for the dates he pays for. You two have an arrangement each serving a need that works for both of you. You are not really gf/bf, so all the fighting is not worth it.

If we even do go out ,he pays for everything.why would any man come back to a girl who already is making his life unpleasant

[lostandhurt]

You shouldn't have to teach him how to be a decent person and keep giving him ultimatums for him to change.

 

Now of course if you had something that was bothering you and you talked to him about it and he was sorry and hadn't realized he had hurt you and worked on changing without threats of leaving over it that would be different.

 

This guy has been manipulating you and even now he still is but only in your mind. You are thinking about scenarious where he may say this or that and show he has changed. No matter what he says or does DO NOT BELIEVE HE HAS CHANGED!!!

 

He simply is not a good guy that cares about you the way you want to be cared for. It isn't who he is.

 

How is it that he has such a hold on you? Surely you attract other men don't you?

 

Lost

[rayfutz]

Yes true! Very true. I set the tone for disrespect. You are not being harsh because I have got myself into a bad cycle for sure and I know that. I walked out of his house on Sunday and he tried me by Monday saying he wants to see me after we ALREADY had an adult talk that this is not working and we are not on same page. He actually agreed saying hes not happy either so we split, but in less than 24 hrs he texted me. Saying he wants to come see me.

 

Clearly there is nothing to wonder here because in 8 months he has protected his phone and not let me even be on fb. But what if this guy says I will put u on my FB and be more open with my phone?. If a guy changes in that way is it worth something or should I just stay away and not even bother doing the ultimatum? . (FB, open phone , or lose me) Too much damage done ?

 

I dont want to sound stupid, Im just trying to get an opinion on if he says "I'll put u on my facebook", etc. This question is for anyone. Btw I didnt answer his text .

 

I agree with the last guy there, you should not have to teach him to behave decently. He knows better and he knows right and wrong. He might just be a guy who is not relationship material, or a long way from being ready. Its not your job to prepare him. Hes a man with a brain and conscience. What you can do, if you plan on not leaving, is be up front you know shady things are going on and hes going out of his way to keep hidden. Thats not ok and not building trust.

 

Now, he could turn around the next day, appear to have a changed heart, give you his Facebook password or let you borrow his phone whenever you want, you know, that sorta stuff to show he has nothing to hide... but honestly, I dont think that will do a whole lot of good. He will just prepare for it, and transfer his shadiness to other tactics. He might have a bigger network of coverups as well, and letting you into his phone or social media would bring it out. I think at least the willingness to be open with social media and phone, not saying all the time and giving you passwords and all that, but at least when you feel the need, is fine. Cause again, if he really has nothing to hide, if you are sitting on the couch and say "hey babe, let me see your phone, or log onto facebook" he should have no problem. As you see at this moment though, he does have a problem, and he is showing it, hiding something. Has to be.

 

What you really need to do is get down to how he feels about you, where you are headed, what he wants in a relationship, what are the boundaries of respect and loyalty between you two and what would have to happen to break those boundaries. Be very very specific with him. Then watch and see if he can follow through. I kinda dont think anything will happen over night, or at all but if thats a chance you are willing to take to rebuild things, go right ahead. The question would then be: is he willing?

[Lucha]

Why are you referring to him as 'they'? Does it somehow make it seem less real?

 

Red flags all over the place. Bound to go wrong.

[katrina1980]

Why are you referring to him as 'they'?

 

I see this a lot; jmo but I don't think it has any hidden meaning, some people simply don't know their pronouns.

 

Or they are speaking in generic terms or hypothetically and it's easier than saying "he/she."

[notalady]

But what if this guy says I will put u on my FB and be more open with my phone?. If a guy changes in that way is it worth something or should I just stay away and not even bother doing the ultimatum? . (FB, open phone , or lose me) Too much damage done ?

 

I dont want to sound stupid, Im just trying to get an opinion on if he says "I'll put u on my facebook", etc. This question is for anyone. Btw I didnt answer his text .

 

No, 100x no.

 

He's shown you who he is. The issue isn't with the phone or Facebook itself, it's the fact that he's shady, he's hiding things and lying to you. That's him. That's who he is right there. Any compromise he's willing to make to win you back is just that, to win you back. It's not because he changed who he is fundamentally.

 

If it's not Facebook and hiding the phone, there will always be other things (email, snap chat, going to the "gym" or hobby club but actually meeting other women, it could be anything really), when there's a will (to hide and cheat), there is a way. Being in a relationship with him will mean you will be constantly on high alert about what he's doing and who he's talking to and figuring out if and what he's hiding from you.

 

It would benefit you to remember, adults don't change who they are fundamentally, values, character, personality. That's already set in stone. They might modify behaviours temporarily, but it's not sustainable.

[reinventmyself]

You can try to shape his actions into something else, but it's the intentions behind what he does that matters.

[boltnrun]

Why are you trying so hard to stay with him?

[Ohboyyy]

Because he doesn't look at you as long term. He doesn't want to ruffle feathers over a girl he doesn't plan on being with in a year or two

[ParisPaulette]

It's pretty cut and dried here, don't you think? Whenever anyone has something to hide, they hide it. And usually they are not at all clever about that unless they're a psychopath with a freezer of dead bodies in their basement, but even there it will be very clear you are not welcome down there. The padlock on the door with stories that seem "off" usually gives it away in the horror films and we all laugh at that, but sadly in real life secretiveness means one thing - they're keeping secrets, because they want to hide the crappy stuff they're doing to you or behind your back.

 

Come on, we all know exactly what is going on there. And so do you, so in this regard you are a part of the problem by letting him treat you like he does and going back for more. And I can say that fully and clearly as someone who once stood squarely where you are now with my last ex. I knew, heck I knew six weeks out that I was with someone who was going to cheat on me. That I stayed for six years and continued to deceive myself, that was all on me. I can't lay that blame at my ex's feet for that, and neither really can you about his secretiveness and deliberately hiding you from the venues that allow him to cheat on you.

 

Of course you've met his family and friends, you just aren't allowed on the venues where he can get access to other women to cheat with.

 

If other women have started "drama" by what's on his Facebook, did it never occur to you there may be a reason for that? I mean sure we can all end up wit that jealous overly controlling partner who flips their lid, because an opposite sex cousin sent you a "Hey, whassups" message now and again. But every single woman out there that has ever been in this guy's life goes ape over his Facebook page to the point he has to block anyone who he "cares" about by his side, because gasp you might be one.of.them!!!!

 

Give me a break. You should be really examining what it is you think you'll gain and what it is about going back to this guy over and over that makes your life better, because I'm just not seeing it.

[Ms Darcy]

I see this a lot; jmo but I don't think it has any hidden meaning, some people simply don't know their pronouns.

 

I think this is likely.

[Ms Darcy]

Because you gave him sex, he can overlook any headaches. And you go back for the dates he pays for. You two have an arrangement each serving a need that works for both of you. You are not really gf/bf, so all the fighting is not worth it.

 

I think this is where the insight lies. People focus on why you should leave. Look at why you do stay.

 

Given your abuse history, unfortunately, it's not really a surprise - that you are in a toxic situation. What would be a surprise is if you ended it and got some real help for yourself.

 

Replace the reward.