My partner doesn't want kids.

[Calgal86]

I am posting this in a desperate attempt to gain more insight to help me with my situation. In short, it has come to light the my partner doesn't ever want kids and I have always wanted kids. We've talked about this and it seems the reasons why he doesn't want kids are ones that are probably not going to change (he doesn't think he could devote himself to a child, he feels he is too selfish, he looks at how hard it was for his single mom, as well as psychological trauma - he was deployed to the Middle East and was forced to kill a child who attacked him). My reasons for wanting kids are probably not good ones - I feel like later in life it will give me purpose and make me feel important and it will occupy my time bcos I feel bored with my life. Biologically I don't think I will be able to have kids until I'm ready so I am hoping to adopt a child within the next 5-10 years.

 

We haven't been together long (about a year), but I left my former relationship to be with him. Our lives are complicated and we have both invested a lot into the relationship including him leaving everything behind in Australia to be with me in the USA.

 

My question is this: should I give up the one that I love because he will most likely not ever want to have kids? He's changed his mind on things that he was completely adamnet about in the past and I didn't expect it. So there's a chance he would change his mind. But I'm not sure if I should hold out for this or cut my losses. Should I carry forward and discuss the situation later on and see if anything has changed? I am so torn because he is the only good thing in my life and I don't want to give up on our relationship. But then I wonder if eventually it will fizzle out because we don't agree on this major life goal.

 

Please help.

[agent1607307371]

question is this: should I give up the one that I love because he will most likely not ever want to have kids?

 

If you want kids and can't live without having one? Yes.

 

If can't make him wants kids. If you managed to twist his arm into having just one, you'd be condeming that child to a life where it's parent doesn't want them. That's terrible. In fact the reasons you've given for him not wanting kids are very good reasons, but the reasons you've given for wanting one are terrible.

 

You can have him, or a child. That's your decision.

 

I'm honestly a bit boggled that you've both made huge changes to be together, but never talked about this. Parenthood is a huge part of life.

 

And definitely don't try to trap him into pregnancy.

[DancingFool]

If you cannot see yourself childless and be 100% fine with that, no resentments and no regrets, then unfortunately you've reached the end of the road for this relationship.

[greta96]

All I will say is don't go into a marriage or continue this relationship based only on the hope that one day he'll change his mind about kids. Whatever the reason, some people just don't want kids and are not cut out for parenthood, and that will never change. And you don't want someone to agree to having kids strictly for your sake, because they will never be whole heartedly into it, and it will show.

If you just can't see yourself not having kids, then yes, ending this relationship and finding someone who is on the same page with you where the subject is concerned would be best, and the sooner the better.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. The desire to have a family...or not is a very basic need and incompatibility. No one needs to justify this desire either way.

 

Try not to let guilt (he moved to you) guide you. Reflect carefully on your future goals and needs.

 

Why did you leave your last partner? Was it also related to incompatibility about the future?

my partner doesn't ever want kids and I have always wanted kids. I feel like later in life it will give me purpose and make me feel important and it will occupy my time bcos I feel bored with my life. I left my former relationship to be with him. Our lives are complicated and we have both invested a lot into the relationship including him leaving everything behind in Australia to be with me in the USA. I am so torn because he is the only good thing in my life and I don't want to give up on our relationship.

[happyfrank]

It's time to end the relationship. He isn't going to change his mind and you want children.

 

Good luck.

[Edmund Exley]

I am posting this in a desperate attempt to gain more insight to help me with my situation. In short, it has come to light the my partner doesn't ever want kids and I have always wanted kids. We've talked about this and it seems the reasons why he doesn't want kids are ones that are probably not going to change (he doesn't think he could devote himself to a child, he feels he is too selfish, he looks at how hard it was for his single mom, as well as psychological trauma - he was deployed to the Middle East and was forced to kill a child who attacked him). My reasons for wanting kids are probably not good ones - I feel like later in life it will give me purpose and make me feel important and it will occupy my time bcos I feel bored with my life. Biologically I don't think I will be able to have kids until I'm ready so I am hoping to adopt a child within the next 5-10 years.

 

We haven't been together long (about a year), but I left my former relationship to be with him. Our lives are complicated and we have both invested a lot into the relationship including him leaving everything behind in Australia to be with me in the USA.

 

My question is this: should I give up the one that I love because he will most likely not ever want to have kids? He's changed his mind on things that he was completely adamnet about in the past and I didn't expect it. So there's a chance he would change his mind. But I'm not sure if I should hold out for this or cut my losses. Should I carry forward and discuss the situation later on and see if anything has changed? I am so torn because he is the only good thing in my life and I don't want to give up on our relationship. But then I wonder if eventually it will fizzle out because we don't agree on this major life goal.

 

Please help.

 

We have a life window to have children. If you are willing to take a gamble that he "might" change his mind, you may be robbing yourself of one of life's true pleasures.

 

Why let someone else have that much power to take away something that you want?

[melancholy123]

I think he's got valid reasons to not have kids and you have poor reasons to have one. Bored with life? That's no reason to have a child! Make you feel important later on? Bad reason as well. You have to be totally into wanting a child and then having said child. It's not a child's job to keep you entertained.

 

If he cant give you what you think you want then you need to move on. Dont trap him with a pregnancy he doesnt want.

[Ms Darcy]

Agree with others. This is a basic incompatibility. I would leave if I were you.

 

How is this only coming up now?

[Fudgie]

It's a compatibility issue here. I would leave. You can't compromise on the kid issue. You can't have "half" a kid, or say "Well, we'll have a kid and I'll be the primary parent".

 

I'm with Ms. Darcy - why didn't this issue come up before?

 

As someone who feels very strongly about not having kids, it's something I make known quite early on! I expect people who really DO want to be parents would make it known early too. It's a way of ensuring compatibility.

[Capricorn3]

My reasons for wanting kids are probably not good ones - I feel like later in life it will give me purpose and make me feel important and it will occupy my time bcos I feel bored with my life..

I apologize in advance, but I am truly gobsmacked. Never, ever, bring a child into this world "just in case you feel bored in life and it will occupy your time". That is truly selfish (imo). Your reasons for wanting a child are just terrible (sorry).

 

Right now, I don't think you should be even thinking about having kids at all until you two can resolve this issue. He doesn't want them. At this point you two are incompatible. Maybe you are right - time to cut your losses.